Stepson's forgetting to turn in homework
So I'm looking for some advice. My stepson is causing a lot of stress on my relationship with my wife. He started middle school this year, and he's constantly forgetting to turn in his homework. Almost all of his homework assignments are online, but he still is having issues not turning in his work. This is causing my wife a lot of stress and in turn making my life miserable. I have a flexible job that allows me to work from home, but I also run a side business. So I end up having to do a lot of the housework, feeding the kids, shuttling them back and forth between various activities; basically, I'm at their beck and call.
Granted I don't provide my stepkids emotional support, but I don't mistreat them either. I'm just kind of indifferent. The problems are so bad that my wife had a tantrum this morning asking me to quit my job and work with the kids to make sure they're on track, or she would quit and start taking responsibility for them. Frankly, I'm sick of having to babysit my youngest stepkid. He has a mild form of ADD/ADHA, and we've tried to ensure that he writes down his homework assignments, does them and turns them in. We have not been successful. I get sick and tired of asking him if he has homework, has he done it and is it in his homework folder. I'm of the firm belief that it's his responsibility. I don't know what really to do anymore as he's not understanding the gravity of the situation.
What are the consequences for
What are the consequences for his not turning in his homework (other than poor grades from his teachers, obviously)???
Does your wife discipline him at all?
SS13 is the same way. He
SS13 is the same way. He rarely bothers to do his homework, and when he does, somehow he "loses" it between home and school and it doesn't get turned in. He's failing 4 classes right now mainly due to missing homework. This seems to be more common in middle school. ADD/ADHD aside, he's to the point where he should be taking more responsibility for himself while his parents step back. If he fails, he fails. Sounds harsh, but that's the route we had to start taking with SS13. He's the kind of kid who simply doesn't learn unless something drastic happens. He's looking at either summer school or being held back for the second time, but hey, that's on him.
As far as you taking on so much responsibility...STOP. Your skid, custodial or not, is NOT your responsibility. He has at least one parent who SHOULD be stepping up and taking that responsibility. You should absolutely NOT quit your job to take care of your skids. And just because you work from home doesn't mean you should be taking on the majority of household responsibilities. If both you and your wife work, you should be splitting the household tasks and she should be doing the parenting of HER kids. All you'll do is become more and more resentful.
I have tried going through
I have tried going through his backpack, organizing his stuff, making him signoff on each class and making sure he has his homework done and in his folder. But I feel like a broken record. My wife is looking to sacrifice her career to make sure he's on the right path which I think is a terrible idea. I'm really tired of dealing with his crap. I feel like I sacrificed enough, and I'm being guilted into his problems when his dad didn't even want anything to do with his kids.
My wife grew up in a really
My wife grew up in a really tough environment in Taiwan. Her father was really abusive. So if she ever did poorly in school, he would beat her. Now she doesn't do that to the kids, but she definitely verbally berates them. We've even tried physical punishment. We have taken away TV, video games, computers, but he just doesn't care. He's ambivalent to everything it seems. The thing is that I don't my two stepsons are not very smart because they've been screamed at and disciplined for this before to the point of tears. You would think that they would get the point.
Also, my wife is telling me that I don't plan well so the kids learn that and in turn it affects them. I could plan better, but you know what I'm busy working plus taking care of the household. I'm just really frustrated now. It almost feels like the kid is going to cause me to leave this marriage. I really want to tell him that, even though I know it's not a smart thing to do.
My daughter (STB15) went
My daughter (STB15) went through this stage and she's completely "normal" (i.e. no mental disorders or developmental issues).
When taking away her things didn't work, we made her write sentences for every missing assignment. She HATED writing sentences! We never yelled at her, physically punished her or anything of the sort. We simply made her write 250-500 sentences such as "I will not only do my homework promptly but will turn it in on time"...
After about 3 times of sentence writing, voila! She began not only doing her work but turning it in on time. And the teachers called me and said "what did you do?" and praised me for the discipline.
Not sure if that would work for your SS, but it's worth a shot. Demeaning them, hitting them, yelling at them - well that's all abuse in my opinion.
My wife works a really
My wife works a really demanding job so I try to give her a break as she's supporting the household financially. I try to help her out in every way that I can. In terms of the kid, she's tried every tact from being really understanding to nice to yelling and screaming. The verbal route isn't working. I'm going to try using the sentence thing to see if it works. The kid is just so compliant and devoid of thought that making him write sentences for an hour or two might not even work, but it's worth a shot.
I understand your pain! I
I understand your pain! I have a SD with ADD and we go through the same thing with her...the ambivalent attitude. The constant reminding, yelling, and endless discussions that yield no results is enough to drive anyone insane! I tried the writing sentences thing, maybe I need to stick to it longer because it didn't work for us before. I'm trying to figure out what motivates these kids these days. Back when I was in school it was shameful and uncool to make bad grades. Of course now days, these kids get 100's just for turning in their homework! But consequences and threats to take things away doesn't work! If anyone has an idea, I'd love to hear it! Also...if a child is in middle school then he or she is old enough to clean house! My kids do!
My ds13 is in middle school
My ds13 is in middle school and he is a 4.0 student. He is completely self motivated-I never tell him to do his homework or monitor him ever. So, yes, it is certainly possible for boys this age to organize and take care of these sorts of things.
A couple of thoughts-if he does have adhd-have you thought of meds? I have no interest in turning this into some sort of raging debate on meds for kids, but if you and the wife are not opposed, sometimes meds can allow a child to focus and reach their full potential. Another thought, it that perhaps your wife's "techniques" of yelling and berating and trying to control his schoolwork have actually backfired. Perhaps the kid thinks to himself that this is something HE controls (which he is right) and that he is bound and determined to NOT do his work just to be defiant with you and his mother. As far as discipline, I would simply try removing all privileges until homework is done-no tv, no cell phone, no computer, no outside play time,no friends-nothing. Staring at the wall day after day after day gets pretty damn boring and perhaps doing some homework would break the monotony. No need to yell or get upset-simply calmly take everything away.
I think we want to stay away
I think we want to stay away from meds. He's not rebellious at all, he just has no sense of urgency, pride and can't think for himself.
Medicine doesnt work! It
Medicine doesnt work! It calms them down, but doesnt help them to organize their lives.
Hi Cheri, I completely agree.
Hi Cheri,
I completely agree. I think I've been more than a good husband and an adequate stepdad. I have my faults, but at least I try.
My BD is 9 and does the same
My BD is 9 and does the same thing, so it's not a stepkid issue. She will sit at home and spend literally hours on her homework, complete it, then "forget" to turn it in. This last time I made her write 100 times "I will remember to turn in my homework." She hated it, and she hasn't forgotten since, so we'll see. BUT, the very next week she "forgot" to bring home the teacher's weekly newsletter that tells me what the class is doing, so...
I was a totally scatterbrained kid as well, so I try to cut her some slack while also reinforcing her responsibility with regard to schoolwork.
^^^WOOOHOOOOOO I LOVE THIS!
^^^WOOOHOOOOOO I LOVE THIS!
My son did the same thing. We
My son did the same thing. We first had a meeting with his Guidance counselor and the classes that were an issue, and we came up with an action plan - one in which he had a say and a stake. I also had long talks with him about his future, and how doing poorly in MS would affect his options/choices in HS, which would affect his options/choices afterwards. This was after I realized that yelling at him and berating him was not a productive way of dealing with the situation.
Yes, this is Mom's job. But... Both you and Mom need to consider how your poor attitudes towards and perceptions of the kid are affecting him. You've made it clear that you both believe he's stupid, so why should he make any effort to prove you wrong?
I feel sorry for the kid. Hard enough for him to deal with ADD/ADHD. Even worse to deal with adults who think he's a stupid PITA.
I think we've tried
I think we've tried everything we could to get him to get on track with school. I don't feel sorry for him because he's not learning his lesson. We promise him the world if he does awesome in school. Let him do what he wants if he gets straight A's. If that isn't motivation enough, then I don't know what is. Every kid is different I understand but at some point you have to take responsibility for yourself.
Oh, greystreet, I SO
Oh, greystreet, I SO understand. We've tried rewards, restrictions, and grounding my SS15 from everything. We've had sit downs with the teachers and school leaadership, had discussions about what he wants to do with his life and thought we had his buy in on how he would take steps to reach those goals. Nothing. He won't do homework unless you sit with him and walk him through every step of every problem. This includes word search puzzles, the cakewalk of all homework. BM says this has been an issue since 2nd grade, though she just told us this last week. His counselor thinks he has a "learned helplessness" issue, and his psychiatrist and therapist are trying everything to get through (so far with no results). He's seeing a neuropsych next month. I'm going to suggest the sentence writing to my husband and see if that works. After that, I am going to try to get my husband to just let go and let his son feel the reprecussions of his failing work. Maybe repeating the 9th grade will get him to wake up. I wish you lots of luck and patience!
Why don't you take him to a
Why don't you take him to a homeless shelter, or let him sleep on the streets for a night? Let him see, first hand, what a high school flunky gets out of life. Thats what I want to do to my SS15.
Funny you mentioned that. My
Funny you mentioned that. My wife took her two sons to stand on the street and look at homeless for an hour. A lot of good that did them. My youngest step son can screw up the easiest of procedures.
In his math class, they sit in groups at tables. They have their classmates grade their papers. Once their papers are graded, the students hand the homework back to the owner so that they can see how they did. After that, you're supposed to put the homework in the middle of the table so that the teacher can walk to each table and record the grade. He somehow screwed that up and received a 0 from the teacher when he actually got 9/10. Add insult to injury, you're supposed to bring the homework back home to study. He lost that homework in his class. I completely give up. His brother isn't much better.