I love my girlfriend but hate her kid
I am 26 and my gf is 32 with a 3 year old daughter who is extremely smart. She shares 50/50 custody with the father (so half the month she gets the daughter). My girlfriend is amazing and is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have never been so in love before in my life. So in the beginning we decided to take it slow and introduce the kid later on down the road. She would tell me how good her daughter is and how well behaved she is. So eventually as things got more serious I suggested I meet her daughter. I thought to myself, I love kids and if she's as good as she says this shouldn't be so bad. Turns out....the mother (my gf) basically created a best friend instead of a daughter. The reason she listened so freakin well is because my gf gave her undivided attention and gave her whatever she wanted. This little girl is extremely dependent on her mother, clingy, extremely winey and an overall bratt. This girl cannot do one freakin thing on her own. Even when she plays with her dolls she asks her mom basically how to play with them. She will be like "ok mom barbie is sleeping, what can I do now" The moment this girl doesn't get what she wants she cries. The moment something isn't going her way she cries. She has to be where ever her mom is and if the mom is another room the kid starts crying saying she is lonely and needs her mommy. Even if we are all in the same room the kid cries begging her mom to be close to her because she is lonely. Now this clingyness thankfully is not 24/7 but it occurs very often. The kid constantly wants to sleep in the same bed as her mom. She comes and wakes us up 2-5 times a night saying she is lonely and wants her mom to sleep with her. I talked to my gf about it in the nicest way possible. I just couldn't hold in my frustrations any longer. I warned her that if she continues to give in, her daughter will be even harder to deal with in the future. For the record this little girl is extremely smart and knows exactly what she is doing, she knows what she is doing is wrong and is kind of manipulative. I know this sounds crazy for a 3 year old, but its true! Anyway, my gf admits she is new at parenting and doesn't know what to do, so she is asking for my advice. I give her advice (only because SHE ASKED) but sometimes she get's defensive or tires to justify a situation. It makes it so difficult when she does that. For the most part my gf realized her mistake in making her daughter a best friend and is now taking my advice in trying to fix her daughter. My gf used to be against time out because she felt bad putting her daughter in time out because the dad does it so much. She is now putting her in time out. She is disciplining her more and is now taking my advice. Things are working slowly and I know this will take time. At 3 yrs old is it to late though??? Am I in over my head? I love this girl soooo much and luckily I only have to see this horrible kid half the month. When we have our weeks together I forget the kid exists but when we have the weeks with the kid I start to resent my gf a little bit. It just bothers me so much that for such a smart and sucsessful woman, she let her kid become a winey, clingy, dependent little bratt. Are their any other ways we can make this kid less dependent and not so winey.
Personally, I don't agree
Personally, I don't agree with sleepovers. I have always allowed my daughter to cosleep when she wanted and she is one of the most well adjusted, secure, intelligent children I know. It's possible that if the daughter did sleep with her mom, she would be less clingy during the day. The research supports this, whether you want to agree with it or not.
I think you are giving the child too much credit. You think she knows what she's doing is wrong? What?! She knows what she is doing has worked in the past, which is whining gets attention. And now that you are there, she does it more because she has to compete for mom's attention. My suggestion...find another couple that has a child the same age/older and do things with them, have them come over so the kids can play together. It sounds like she needs to expand her horizons so that not just Mommy plays with her or gives her attention. It sounds like she has not had many playdates. It also doesn't sound like she is as smart as you think she is. Smart kids typically find other ways of playing with things and don't have to ask. I do think Barbie is a little old for a 3 yr old. She should have play food/kitchen, baby dolls, puzzles, blocks, coloring things, various role playing toys, etc.
I've got a teaching degree and homeschool my 10 & 11 yr olds. So I've got some credentials behind my advice
I totally disagree with
I totally disagree with cosleeping and I totally disagree with you sleeping over while the child is there. She is at her dad's for half of the month, no reason why you can't sleep over when the child is not there.
I also find it hard to believe a grown man hates a 3 year old. If you hate her now, leave and move on. Your resentment will grow as the child ages and you will be miserable.
It's possible as a grown
It's possible as a grown adult to hate a kid, i hate my almost-6-year-old skid, poeple make kids out to be as something you can't hate or even blame for their own actions. kids suck. the bio parents usually are delusional and don't think (they "feel" with their backup heart instead of using their brain). shout out to all step parents our there, you AREN'T wrong. the world is for teling you that you are "insert here" for feeling "insert here"
I can believe a man hates a
I can believe a man hates a whiney clingy brat. There is nothing in this fellows explanation to indicate he doesn't like kids in general or isn't familiar with three year old behavoir at least in general.
He doesn't complain about his sisters kids or his neighbors kid, just this one so there is no reason to think his complaint iis out of line.
In the end my advise is the same. Find a woman without kids. Not because of this one bad example but because its very difficult to be a step-father. Just poke around here and see how much trouble the ladies have with step-children and and they're the nurturing and caring side of our species. Of course check out the fathers "Den" as its called and see what the guys are saying.
Unless you have children of your own and desperately need a partner stay away from women with children. It's a cess pool of problems. If you pursue this relationship I guarantee it will end badly. If you've made even more children it will end even worse because now they're from a broken home.
Tell the woman that you're really sorry but you didn't realize that you're not ready to deal with children. I.e. take the blame on yourself. Walk away and don't look back. I promise you it will save you at least a decade of heartache.
I agree with the previous
I agree with the previous posters. Sleepovers are totally inappropriate here.
If the girl is with her father half the time, why not reserve the nighttime fun for then?
PS: If you think this is tough at age 3, you're in for an awakening when the kid is 13. You may not like to hear this, but I do not think this is the relationship for you.
How long have you been
How long have you been dating? Do you live with Mom?
50/50 can be tough on kids.
50/50 can be tough on kids. Some handle it well, and others don't. It could be that this is one kid who doesn't. She is constantly missing one parent or the other, so it's really no huge surprise that she's clingier than other 3yo's. Who can be pretty clingy ANYWAY. Separation Anxiety isn't all that unusual. Bed sharing? Hey - she sees that Mommy has someone sharing the bed. Your have someone sharing the bed. And she is all alone. Not rocket science, IMO.
I agree with the others - if you already hate the kid? Walk away. 'Cause she will not be going anywhere.
...what SueU2 said...
...what SueU2 said...
Honestly I am a bit confused
Honestly I am a bit confused about the comments given. When a DH wants his children to sleep in the same bed it is a BIG FAT NO, But if this woman were to want the very SAME thing well then it is child/parent time and the BF needs to just deal...the poster shouldn't be sleeping over? Are you kidding me? Why shouldn't he have a "sleep over" with the woman he is with?
The majority of the women on this site are here because their DH's refuse to punish/parent their children consistently. Which is exactly what this poster is describing but yet some how because it is a mother it seems to be different and the BF needs to just suck it up.
My advice to the poster is to stroll around this website, look at other posts and read the comments given to them, I think because you have a penis you have been ambushed. In all honesty your post is very similar to hundreds if not more of others on this website and they received very different advice from the very same people.
Personally, I would have no
Personally, I would have no problem with a Dad co-sleeping with their 3yo. I WOULD take issue with co-sleeping with a g/f or b/f.
I would say the same to a Dad with 50/50 as a Mom - you have every other week kid free. Keep your sleepovers to that time. Especially if the parent co-sleeps. Especially at such a young age, it is the SO who should accommodate, not the child. IMO.
ETA... And I would tell a woman in this situation the same thing. Walk away. If you ALREADY hate the kid? Walk away. There are plenty of men/women in OP's age range who do not have kids. Find one of them.
Thats not true, kids not need
Thats not true, kids not need to co sleep. the S/O shouldn't have to bend to the wants of a kid. if they want a relationship the whole world should revolve around the kid. s/o's matter too!
I completely agree!!! It's
I completely agree!!! It's sexist.
I disagree. The kid is 3.
I disagree. The kid is 3. It's a time of separation anxiety. It's a time of whininess. Add in a 50/50 situation. We really don't know how long Mom & Dad have been divorced/separated. Or how long OP and Mom have been dating.
Diff'rent strokes, hon. But
Diff'rent strokes, hon. But her behavior is NOT developmentally unusual. My kids weren't whiney, either. But they DID have trouble adjusting to a 50/50 situation. Enough that a GAL ended it. As I said above - some kids take to it well, and others don't.
Still - WHY does OP need to sleep over during the week the kid is there?
And there's no need for the language. IMO. anyway.
Putting aside the co-sleeping
Putting aside the co-sleeping debate - I've noticed two red flags -
1. "I give her advice (only because SHE ASKED) but sometimes she get's defensive or tries to justify a situation."
2. "she felt bad putting her daughter in time out"
I agree with Mel1210 - it is VERY unlikely that your GF is going to change her parenting style, and things will only get worse, not better.
Hang on one sec.....how many
Hang on one sec.....how many kids do you have yourself, OP?It sounds like you are in a position to give her advice , because she is "new in parenting", now I am wondering about how many kids you have and how many years of parenting experience, just for the records.
Besides this.....what you describe here is a situation that must make it hard to even have a rs in.
Of course three year olds are always a challenge but it seems that this little girl was so far the centre of attention with her mum.The whole constantly playing with the child thing is to my mind a habit that is rather harmful than helpful.Of course those kids are "good" from the outside because they get everything they want, including an adult who is 100% committed to spend time with them.Sadly kids and I speak out of my experience with my SD , no 8, will NOT learn how to occupy themselves for even a minute.They also think that their demands need to be adressed straight away and the way they want.All three year olds try that, but this is the age (the latest) where mum and dad should introduce the word no.
I can assure you that when I met SD 5 she was just like that and my partner was 100% either talking to her, doing something for her or with her.She didn't needed tantrums because everything was done and given to hear since the sun shone right out of her butt as it seemed.However , SO has changed things around even though he was very defensive.But I made it clear to him that he can't have a rs with another grown up if he gives his child mini-wife status.
The nights were excactly as you describe them, but he turned that all around, too.Let's face it- there is not a lot you can do- she has to implement the rules and stick with it.
You also must consider that Disney mom is maybe not wanting to change and that means it is a waste of time for you to hang in there since there will be no emotional space for you left when her child is around.
I hope you work it out, also for that poor spoiled child who will not be able to become independent like this ever!
And sadly I agree, even 3 year olds know what they are doing at times!
I feel you, my bf said the
I feel you, my bf said the same thing about his daughter. HA. Bio parents can be very delusional, I also find that a lot of people are quick to defend the kid or the bio parent for no logical reason.