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I feel I have no where to turn..

flannery's picture

Submitted by flannery on Thu, 01/03/2013 - 12:33am

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Blended Family Issues

My soon to be step-daughter (16) is destroying my relationship and putting our family thru hell. I have no where to turn and feel so utterly alone. I love my finace so much but I honestly do not know how much of his daughter I can take. Her behavior is out of control, her influence on my bio girls 16 and 8 is one of my worst fears.
Please I need someone to talk too

flannery's picture

Submitted by flannery on Thu, 01/03/2013 - 12:54am

He either blames me or just says "shes very troubled and doesnt know what to do". I care for her very much, but honestly I'm at the end of my rope!!!!
And the kicker is it was me that encouraged my finace to fight to have her come live with us almost 2 years ago. We had concerns about her bio-mom. Now, I hate to say it but I REGRET ever doing so. I have no privacy, I had to put a lock on my bedroom door to keep her out. Shes stolen from me numerous times, lies all the time, think shes on drugs and drinking, sneaks out of the house, has begun to steal things from my teen daughter, cant leave her alone with my 8 year old because she has proven to be dangerous.... the list just goes on and on. And of course, I get little to no support or defensive action from my finance..
I want her gone, and saying so makes me sick to my stomach, I feel so ashamed

I just want to have our happy, healthy family back. Im beginning to question this engagement.
My finace is the love of my life, I cant imagine my life without him, but at the same time, I can't imagine life with his daughter either

flannery's picture

Submitted by flannery on Thu, 01/03/2013 - 1:09am

Thank you, and your right, I know your right. We briefly went to couples therapy about a year ago. But we need it more than ever now. Ive already had a failed marriage, and I'm not going to go through that again.
We have a session set with her therapist next week, just for my finace and I. Maybe just maybe that will shed some much needed light on our crumbling family..
thanks for listening and thanks for your insight

oncechoosetosmile's picture

Submitted by oncechoosetosmile on Thu, 01/03/2013 - 12:46am

Flannery, what is your fiancee doing about it?Does he back you up and support you or does he wear rose coloured princess glasses?This is crucial to know if you want to know if it's worth the risk to get married.

flannery's picture

Submitted by flannery on Thu, 01/03/2013 - 1:01am

He doesnt know what to do, either that or he blames me. We have her in therapy, on medication ect.. she has been kicked out of now 2 schools and is left going to continuation school after the break, we cant leave her home alone, or with our 8 year old. She has no respect for me, her dad or anyone else for that matter.....and her bio-mom doesnt help at all, in any way.
I wouldnt say my finacee has those "princess glasses" but he does have a case of the disneyland dad syndrome. He and her bio-mom splt when she was 2 years old, and although he was contantly in her life, he missed alot. We brought her here to live with us almost 2 years ago. At first it was just issues bwtween the teens ( I have a 16 year old daughter as well) but now its sooo much worse. He doesnt dicipline hardly at all, she gets away with everything, never follows the house rules and treats us all like crap

Orange County Ca's picture

Submitted by Orange County Ca on Thu, 01/03/2013 - 6:36am

You take your girls and get the hell out of there. As soon as possible she'll be enticing your kids to crawl out the windows at night meeting boys and doing drugs or whatever idiocy crosses her mind.

It's a unfortunate situation but there is no reason for your girls to follow the same path. For you to allow this influence into their lives is effectively child abuse.

Tell your boyfriend this was a mistake and you're sorry but you simply must put your children first and take them out of harms way.

Also when your girls move in with some guy right out of high school what right do you have to say they're making a mistake shacking up? I'm no prude but you've got to consider the example you're making yourself and what example you allowing into their lives via his girl.

After his girl is out and on her own and its obvious she has her life back together you can consider marrying this guy. Until then you keep your families as far apart as you can even if it means you three living in a one bedroom apartment.

ctnmom's picture

Submitted by ctnmom on Thu, 01/03/2013 - 8:18am

Totally agree with OC. Live apart- we only get one shot at raising our kids, but you can DATE anybody at ANYTIME in your life. Esp. disturbing because yours are girls. You don't have to break up- just get your girls away from SD pronto.

ctnmom's picture

Submitted by ctnmom on Thu, 01/03/2013 - 8:19am

P.S.- Couple therapy is all well and good, but it won't prevent your SD from influencing your children.

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Thu, 01/03/2013 - 8:45am

Totally agree with OC. Live apart- we only get one shot at raising our kids, but you can DATE anybody at ANYTIME in your life. Esp. disturbing because yours are girls. You don't have to break up- just get your girls away from SD pronto.
++++++++++++++

Yes! This ^^^^^

oldone's picture

Submitted by oldone on Thu, 01/03/2013 - 9:19am

You are between a rock and a hard place.

It sounds like the SD's issues are way beyond those that an authoritarian Dad can solve. I doubt if he is doing everything he can - but he really may not know how to fix an irreparable situation.

I say this as the wife of a man who had two incorrigible sons. One is now dead. The other is an alcoholic bum. Sometimes people are born with personality disorders. Sometimes it is bad parenting and sometimes it is both.

But what you must do at all costs is protect your children.