I have been married 30 years and raised two SD's (one now 37 and 39). They are truly extremely amazing women and very successful and independent. I have a son 28 and a handicapped daughter 22 who are my husband's and mine biologically. I have had the typical nightmare problems raising them with no support from their father and it caused havoc and horror in my relationship with him and them. Their mother was not and is still not in the picture however, there are what I believe to be major abandonment issues with the girls especially the oldest. I got them when they were 5 and 7. I was always on the outside and my husband has never, in 30 years, ever told them to "shut-up this is my wife!" I have worked out a lot of this with the younger one and we seem to have a good understanding of each other and we resolve our issues without him "in the middle". I will say that although my ordeals with raising her were nothing less than a struggle every inch of the way; I don't remember her getting in between my husband and myself like the eldest did and obviously still does. I am thrilled because she has two children whom I adore and we definately want each other in our lives. The elder one, whom I also raised is the one I just had a replay episode this Christmas of years past. she has been the passive aggressive root of many wrecked holidays. It stupidly took me all these years to know that it was not me. I am not the nasty bitch she says I am. She has a baby which I also adore and this is going to be difficult; but, I am finally making a stand on my own without screaming at my husband and analyzing what "I" did wrong to provoke her. My H doesn't ever get that she is attacking his marriage by calling me names. In years past she has written letters to me and him about how horrible I am. she has even written him pages of how horrible "SHE" is, how "SHE" is an alcholic (which I am not), how "SHE" is a psycho, etc., etc. Without going into detail she did it again. She really doesn't trust me at all and sadly enough, she never will. She doesn't see how passive aggressive she is to me right down to never saying please and thank you,she is condecending,extremely self centered with no regard for others in the house, always about ME, ME, ME; she is downright rude. On New Year's Eve, after I just took her and the baby to the emergency room to check out the baby, (which was fine) I had to go out also sick and leave my 22 year old daughter; came home and never even said thank you and had a rotten attitude like she was doing me a favor. She proceded to twist something I said and said in an evil voice "What did you want me to do, put down my sick child and HELP YOU????" I don't even know where that came from. By the way, I have had a sick child who is even sicker now for 22 years, and that sick child happens to be her sister who she didn't lift a finger for all the time she was there. Of course, the day she is leaving with the baby she nails down my H again and says every nasty thing she can say about me to him in our home and STILl I don't hear him say "shutup, that is my WIFE". The whole house was sick this whole week and I was laying down when I heard all this. I just stayed out of the room and listened to her rant for an hour (this is different behavior for me. I usually chime in and drive myself to heart palpations.) Before she left, she came into the bedroom with the baby and said to me "I don't want to fight and I don't want this to ruin all of this great Christmas". I answered very calmly: "I wasn't fighting with you and you already did ruin this Christmas." she continued to try to get me to talk and I kept quiet. She just wrote me an email yesterday and basically said she is praying for me and she loves me but WE have a way of replaying old habits with each other. It doesn't feel good to her and she is hoping there is a way that WE can make it better. She continues to say "I will always love you - by the way..." I did not respond by email; but, I am mailing back her Christmas gifts she gave me without a note...... The less I say right now is important. This is new for me. I refuse to have that ugly feeling in my gut anymore.

Thank you all for listening, any comments would be appreciated.

By the way, I just found this site this week and I wish I had something like this 30 years ago...but who even knew how to work a computer, right?

doublestep, wow...i would have ditched my hubby if he didn't stand up for me....but you know...your sd is expecting you to talk back and now that you are silent, she is completely off guard. your not feeding her fire.
Keep it up. Just drop her and ignore her when she gets out of line or keep the silent treatment until she apologizes for ruining christmas.
I'm sure she wont apologize but at least you wont have to deal with her for a while.

Jy, alot of daughters test their dad in many ways. I went through alot of that when i first dating my dh and then got married to him. SD would try to only speak with him, oh...this one is good, she would always try to split us up holding hands or sitting together. But her father would put her on one side and me on the other every time. EVERYTIME> Every little detail he would call her on it. And your husband , Bless his heart!!! is doing the right thing by calling on her for every little detail. She is excluding you andyour daughter, its not right and dad is calling her on it. Now mind you, over the years, that doens't mean she will stop....she may continue and not care , so done hold your breath on her accepting you and your daughter. Dont be disappointed. Because the world doesn't revolve around your sd. Its your family that revolved adn she must join you and become part of it. If she cant' accept you andyour daugther , i'm sure your husband will definitley put her in her place but you as a person, dotn get upset by her. Your dh is handling it and after all that if she still doesnt' get it, then its her decision and its her loss.
As for thefront seat, happened to my dh and ex as well but she didn't chase them. My sd would switch back to the front seat when he went for gas down the road. But i can understand her concern about the front if she is young.
How old is your sd?