Struggling with being a step-mother....since I had my own kids.
Hi there, I'm new to this but grateful to have found it...
My husband broke up with his ex when their daughter was weeks old. I met him when she was months old and we've been together ever since. My step daughter is 6 now. We've since had our own children; my son is 3 and my daugther is 1. My step-daugther spends about 50% of her time with us but her mother's useless and I do a lot of the 'work' relating to raising her - sorting everything to do with her school and out of school activities, even things like dentist appointments and hair cuts are left to me to sort out.
Shortly after I had my son my feelings towards my step-daughter changed - caring for her became a duty instead of a pleasure. The feelings have heightened and I'm now in a position where I dread her coming to stay and can barely bring myself to look at her. She's also growing up to be a very jealous, vindictive and selfish little girl. My 3 year old is crying that he never wants to see her again because she's so mean to him. And frankly, I don't blame him....she's absoultely horrible and delights in hurting him and seeing him upset.
I don't know what to do. Clearly the situation isn't going to improve. I'm utterly ashamed of my feelings towards her. I'm also aware that she can sense my reluctance to cuddle her etc and that this is contributing to her attention-seeking behaviour.
Is this normal? Has anyone managed to improve on a situation like this?
I'm at a point where I'm thinking about moving away so we don't have to see her anymore - ridiculous that a 6 year old should have such an influence on me!
Many thanks....
It is hard for anyone to like
It is hard for anyone to like someone who treats them or their children poorly. Where is your DH in this? HE should be doing both the fathering and the mothering and NOT leave it up to you. Have you talked to him about it? If so, what did he say?
(And I hope he didn't say something like, well you're the mom. Because you're NOT to your SD. I have been on a recent binge of wanting to hurl large items at men who I hear say that.)
Protect your son and your daughter--if your DH won't see it, MAKE him see it. Say that if he's not willing to step up and protect your children together, even from another of his children, then YOU will do what's best.
Disengage, disengage, disengage. Any man worth his weight will step up.
I wish I had an answer, but I
I wish I had an answer, but I havent even given birth yet and I already have these feelings. Everything about SS just feels like a chore. Not anything I want to be doing. Hopefully your situation improves.
Did you guys ever bond? I
Did you guys ever bond? I mean she's only six.....A lot of her behavior is just acting out and confussion about her place in the world. She's gone from being the only one to having to compete with two others that belong to you and if we were to be honest you treat better. I know this because I have a sd 14 who has been in my picture since age 8. I couldnt stand her that much then and i cant stand the sight of her most days. I too have a dd 10 months and ds4, and she annoys my son so much on purpose even at this age it's just bizaar. I too wish she would just go away. So I feel your pain. You arent wrong it is what it is. I love my babies I love my husband I just dont really care for her but she comes from such a dark and confused space.Most days I consider leaving but then again Ive only got 4 more years to go compared to your 12. Try counsiling and much prayer.
I think we did bond. I mean
I think we did bond. I mean I looked after her from when she was very young. I'm not sure what the turning point was exactly but I think it was when my son was about 18 months old. I lost a pregnancy in the second trimester after her mother had called me screaming the odds. I know it's very unlikely it was the conversation that triggered my waters to break but in the absence of anyone else to blame I blamed her mother and I think I MAY have transferred some of that misplaced blame onto my SD. All I know is that I don't enjoy having her anymore and that it's getting worse month on month - I need to change something.
And yes, I do treat my own children better. Not in terms of material things - my SD has a beautiful bedroom, shelves full of toys, a wardrobe full of clothes just like her siblings. I spend just as long sorting her uniform out, going into help out at her school, taking her to extra curricular activities etc as I do my own kids. BUT I don't go into her bedroom before I go to bed to check on her and kiss her like I do my own babies. And I don't run to cuddle her if she looks sad either. I'm not proud of myself for this but I just can't bring myself to do it most days. Some days are better but they're few and far between.
I will try counselling, we're in the UK and there's a shortage of specialists in step-families here but I think I know of somebody I can call.
Thank you.
Wow, it's very telling that
Wow, it's very telling that you don't mention DH at all except that he exists. You are asking us if you should leave him based only on what his daughter does. Are you looking for a reason to leave?
It is possible that your feelings toward sd have precipitated the behavior you are now seeing in her. Sometimes it's hard to determine what came first, but as sm's begin having their own children, it's common that resentment of the skids and frustration at having to deal with them is apparent to the skid before the sm realizes it's happening. And once those feelings begin snowballing from both skid and sm, it's hard to see a way out. Really analyze what's going on. Don't put all the blame on sd. Figure out where the DH is and raise your expectations as a father to sd. I feel there is a way out of this, but first the adults have some work to do.
Your situation is similar to
Your situation is similar to my own. I have an SD8 who lives with her BM about 75% of the time. We're not in the same school district so she only comes to our home every other weekend. She actually adores my DD (almost 7 months old) but I'm not sure that will last. Especially since she's said, on more than one occasion, how jealous she is of her sister. My DH dismisses it as her not understanding the meaning of the word. That's not true because she uses it in the appropriate context.
Anyways, I can't stand SD about 99% of the time. Her BM is a horrible, heinous bi*ch and she always does her best to make visits with her as inconvenient as possible. SD is a personality clone of her. She's lazy, incredibly nosey, and one of the pickiest eaters I've ever encountered. She creates the biggest messes and doesn't clean up anything. We've shown her several times how to pick up properly yet she always claims she doesn't know how. Last weekend when she visited my DH had to stand over her to make her finish a meal. That was after she'd sat at the table for 2 hours!!!
Listen, I've read so many articles about how it's the responsibility of the step parent to foster a relationship with his or her SK. It's mt belief that sometimes it's just not possible. I love my DD with all of my heart but I will never love my SD in that way. To me she's a reminder of a series of bad decisions my DH made while he was still drinking. If your SD is mistreating your own children then she must go.
Thank you everyone. It's a
Thank you everyone. It's a relief to hear of others in similar situations.
I should have said, my husband is pretty great about it all. He's very realistic as to my step-daughter's behaviour and he disciplines her appropriately WHEN HE'S HOME! But I'm on my own a lot with her and that's when the resentment sets in - I can't discipline her in the same way - sure I can tell her off, put her on the naughty step etc but she doesn't always stay there and that's when the problems start. If she was mine I'd march her back to the naughty step and physically sit her back on it but I'm very aware that I can't use physical force with her and she knows it! So she plays on it, I get angry and resentful. She gets frustrated and vindictive. Vicious circle.... Her mother is always lying and cheating to get her own way and I guess my step-daughter sees it and learns it. I know it's not her fault and yep, I think my feelings probably have precipitated some of the bad behaviour which makes me feel all the more guilty...
When I say I want to leave I mean with my husband, not on my own! We recently had an opportunity to move a long way away which we didn't take because of our commitments to my step-daughter.
As you say Willthiseverend....only 12 years to go!
And breathe....!
I understand you completly. I
I understand you completly. I actually started to disengage when I was pregnant with my son -now 19months old. I just became very upset and.annoyed at.behavior I.couldn't really.change because I'm not.his.real.mother and he knows this and told me. I would come.from.work.and either go the sleep or stay away at a friends house,grocery shopping. Wherever. I didn't want to home.or.around my.skids.when.I was pregnant. Now that I have my son my skids annoy me more because I want desperately for my son not to be.like.his.brothers. my.skids are.older so its a little.different and.their BM is a seasonal parent so they see.maybe once a year. I never get a break!!! I don't have any advice except to disengage but not.100% obviously because you have a young Skid and younger.kids. that's why I can't disengage completely. Someones signature on here says " when its your kids its a labor of.love,not.your kid=work."
Does your dh know how you
Does your dh know how you feel?
Yeah, I think he knows or he
Yeah, I think he knows or he suspects at least... But he's in between a rock and a hard place isn't he? And I don't want to go on about her to him because that wouldn't be fair.. I did go as far as saying that I wasn't sure I wanted to be routinely responsible for her anymore and I'd rather she just came at weekends when he was home so he could be responsible for her. He was open to the idea so that's good. I feel bad because that means she'll be with us a lot less than she is at the moment but I think there's not a lot of point her being with us if my husband's not home anyway. Surely she'd be better off with her BM who's pretty crap at organizing anything but would at least be able to give my SD all the love she needs. I think that's the route we'll start heading down. On my head be it!
Thank you. I know you're
Thank you. I know you're right. I need to accept the situation. I don't want to leave my husband - I adore him. Nor do I want my precious babies to become someone else's irritating skids!
Can I ask you how you go about day to day life with your SD? Do you keep her at arms length and do the bare minimum or do you just well, fake it?! I can't decide whether the more moral thing for me to do would be to be honest and leave the 'loving' to my husband or whether to just grit my teeth and PRETEND to do what my SD wants me to do - to love her like my own (even though it feels totally unnatural to me)??
At the moment I'm faking it, but I don't think I'm a good actress....
Ive been with my husband and
Ive been with my husband and his daughter since she was 5? Since it has been a battle the whole time I dont think I ever bonded with her and when her BM moved back into town it only got worse, after having my own son and another on the way, I can definitely tell there is a difference in how I feel about my kids. I adore my son, even when he's naughty (he's 2) and my SD irriates me so much with her antics (shes 13) that most days I just try and ignore what's going on and pray I wake up on a sandy beach someday....you're normal to feel different, you just dont feel the same about a child you dont give birth too in my opinion.
Its nice to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way and you should know you're not either!
Thanks Aphrodite! Sandy
Thanks Aphrodite! Sandy beach.....sounds good!