I am going to have a Christmas Meltdown
This is my first family Christmas with DH. His SD16 and SD13 basically told him in July that they will no longer visit with him or have a relationship with him if he doesn't leave me. BM supports this and has PASed them. DH doesn't force visitation anymore because it was a disaster for all involved. They did some really horrible things to me over the summer, with their mother's help... and almost ruined my relationship. We got some counseling, set our priorities straight, and have been in a pretty good place since then.
Enter Christmas Meltdown. DH loves to start arguments based on the pretty picture of situations he has in his head. For example: A few weeks ago for his birthday, he assumed these kids would be chomping at the bit to celebrate with him and was frustrated when I told him I wouldn't attend a dinner with them. Guess what? They ignored his invitation and didn't even acknowledge him on his bday. BUT - we were in an argument for hours because it was "MY" fault that the birthday celebration wouldn't occur. When he finally decided to invite them solo, they ignored him.
So, now... SDs have basically said that they will spend "an hour or so" with him and my in-laws "so they can pick up their gifts" - no joke! This is what they said! So... he is trying to create a winter magic effing wonderland for Christmas. DHs family and my family live about 4 hours apart. I need to see my mom sometime during the holiday... she lives completely alone with no one else. She is basically my *only* family outside of DH.
Soo... last night he starts off by saying that maybe we could just see the kids for a few hours the weekend before Christmas and avoid the drama. Then, he starts saying that we could go to his parents on xmas eve, spend the night, and have the kids. This way, we could have xmas eve and xmas morning with them. We got into a huge fight. This is the first time I will meet many of his extended family members. I don't feel like myself around them. I don't think its fair that they get to choose to participate in our family "for a couple of hours" whenever its fun for them. AND, I really don't want my Christmas ruined by their drama.
Plus - when are we going to see my mom? I also have very, very good friends that I have spent every Christmas with for the past 10 years. I would like to see them at some point. Those things aren't important to DH, because Christmas Magic will somehow create this ideal family situation in his childhood home with his angelic little girls. HAH! Yeah right!
Here's the deal though - we are in an argument because he wants to spend xmas eve through xmas morning with them. He thinks I am the enemy ruining all of his visions and dreams because I don't like the idea. Guess what!???!!! Its a pointless argument because they WILL NOT want to do that either! When they said a "couple hours" they meant literally... "I want to come over, tear off the paper, see what your family got me, and then go back to my mom's so we can make fun of every single person we came into contact with - especially my dad and stepmonster".
Why do we keep getting into these arguments when its moot?! They refuse to see us. I don't really have any desire to see them after what they've done to me. But, when his fairytale gets crushed, I am the one who seems to take the blame.
I suggested this last night
I suggested this last night and he said "Fine... why don't we just move into different houses, and have different friends, and eat dinner separately every night", etc. I don't WANT to spend my first Christmas alone without my DH... but part of me feels like it would be SO much less stress.
The other thing is that my MIL and FIL are AMAZING people. My MIL is a stepmom herself (but my DH considers her his "real" mom). I really want to spend Christmas with them, at least in part, because I really love and care about them.
This probably would have
This probably would have worked had I not already lost my cool last night by saying (yelling): "I don't know what part of ME not liking YOUR daughters you don't understand!" I lost it.
I didn't mean to... but sometimes you can only take so much.
Of course spending one
Of course spending one Christmas apart doesn't equate to moving into different houses, eating dinner separately, etc etc..
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Straw_man
Oh trust me, I will see my
Oh trust me, I will see my mom. I will leave HIS ass alone before he'd make me leave my mom alone in order to please his bratty kids.
I understand what you mean. I had some coffee table books out - one was a cocktail book and the other was a very artistic photograph book (by one of my fave photogs). Some of the pics had partially clothed women and DH put them on the bookshelf! I asked him why he removed the "coffee table books" from the coffee table... and he said he was worried the kids would see them! Umm... well, first of all... the photos are tasteful - not pornography. The cocktails? Umm... Adults are allowed to enjoy a cocktail. They are certainly allowed to have a book with recipes for cocktails. PLUS - the kids NEVER come over and haven't set foot in our home since July. I flipped my shit on him. Needless to say, the books are back on the table.
Turns out... BM mentioned that she thinks we're alcoholics because I have old framed screen prints on my walls with alcohol on them. Some of them are old champagne ads. Some are french liquor ads. They are really cool... and some are original screen prints! EFFFFF her and her nonsense demands. I literally screamed out loud: "Well, I think SHE is White Trash because she dresses in clothes from Forever 21, Charlotte Russe, and Wet Seal. She's 40 damn years old and she wears midrift bearing clothes! Soo, tell her I am offended by her clothes and as soon as she stops answering the door looking like a skank in nothing but her underwear, I will redecorate my home!" UGH.
we try to have special
we try to have special holidays and almost succeed but usually I end up going to my room b/c I cannot stand too much of my ssons. I can only handle so much football on tv and stinky feet in my air space. DH always seems to think we are h aving an awesome time.
I'm sorry you're going
I'm sorry you're going through this at what should be a happy time of the year. Holidays bring out the best (and worst) in people it seems.
This is mine and DH's first Christmas too. I'm flying to Detroit on the 20th and will return to Denver on the 30th. He went with me last year to meet my family and friends and see Michigan for the first time, since it was SD14's year to be with BM. Well, this year it's his year with SD, so he's staying home. Not sure how that'll all work out for him, because the little snob has been basically blowing him off for months now, but he made the decision when I was buying my plane ticket a few mos back that he's staying here.
My suggestion to you would be you go see your mom and family and let him have his little brats at his family's home. I realize people don't want to spend the holidays apart, but really, I think the stress level of you being with him and his kids at the in-laws will just ruin your holiday completely! You can always have a nice celebration for just the two of you after Christmas comes and goes. That's what DH and I plan on doing.
I wish you the best. I know it's hard.
They way I see it you have 3
They way I see it you have 3 obvious options:
1) Go and endure the whole experience while the Skids are there and hope you're not sooo stressed out by the time they leave to salvage any of the Holiday. With this option you may possibly a) embarrass yourself in front of DH's family, b)get in an argument with DH, or/and c)hate your life, DH and marriage by the end of the day.
2) DO Not go with your DH to his families, go visit your friends and mom. Let DH do his own thing Christmas Eve and morning with his kids and family and meet him later in the day at his parents after the skids are gone. I would suggest if you do this set up a specific time to meet and neither one change plans. With this option you may feel like skids have WON and you may feel abandonded by your DH at the holidays.
3) I think that I would go visit everyone together. Make up a schedule with DH and stick to it. For example Christmas eve you could go to his parents house without skids make a great impression. Have skids over in the morning for an hour or so and you and DH leave to visit your mom and your friends. Let Skids know we are leaving at (specific time) and don't back down if they don't show up. (I wouldn't tell them you will be at in-laws night before). If DH does not agree to a compromise then let him do his own thing with his kids and you do your own.
Okay, I just had a great idea
Okay, I just had a great idea (if I do say so myself!) - could you and your husband take your in-laws out to dinner just the four of you as their Christmas gift a week or two before the holiday? This will allow you to meet them in a relaxed atmosphere with no step kids.
Then graciously and lovingly say, "DH I know how important this Christmas with your kids is to you. Let's do our own thing Christmas Eve and Christmas morning and then meet up later in the day." The go stay at your mom's or friend's house Christmas Eve and come home around 3 on Christmas Day.
PREDICTION: his kids will blow him off and he will see what an idiot he was. Will he admit it? Of course not! But you will have saved your sanity.
IMPORTANT: do NOT answer your cell phone when you are away. If he calls/texts, you WILL get sucked back into the drama if you answer! good luck!