No one should know anything about you until that divorce is final -- it just gives BM ammunition to make trouble, make demands, do anything she can to muddy the waters.

I never met the kids until the divorce was final. It just keeps things cleaner.

I'm unclear - who is hesitant about you meeting the kids, him or her? If it's just her, after the divorce is final she won't have much say in the matter. So, there's a light at the end of that tunnel. If it's him, then the two of you should discuss what he's thinking as to the "right time" and if he has any ideas as to how he's going to prep them prior to actually meeting you.

Sometimes there is overlap, although I do agree that in a perfect world waiting until the divorce is final makes things easier. Neither of ours were final, although the paperwork was done on mine it was just a matter of the goofy waiting period WI has. His was a little further from final and one thing I would definitely do differently is to wait until that was all done before getting as involved as I did. Hearing all the details of the settlement offers going back and forth, discovery, financial disclosures, etc was really more than I wanted to know when starting a relationship with my FDH. We did know each other prior to dating, but I don't know if I'd willingly walk into that situation again. It is much easier to be in a relationship when the other person isn't still dealing with the legal end of the prior one.

We did not move in together until it was final. But I did meet the kids prior to that point and was able to develop a relationship with them. The kid part of it was fine, but I feel like I may have been more involved in his divorce itself than I should have been.

Since you do live together already, it may be quite a shock for the kids when they do find out about you. At some point, him seeing them only at her place is going to be not just annoying, but bordering on inappropriate. But, if they've been given no advance warning, seeing you in what they think is just their dad's house is going to be hard for them to deal with. There is a website with a lot of good information on step families. I think it's the step family resource center or something like that. You might want to check there to see if there is advice that might fit your situation. If not, try checking with a counselor that specializes in step families. This seems like it has the potential to be a bit of a struggle if it's not introduced correctly.

Good luck!

Well at least the problem you have now is only in the short term. presumably it is bf plan once the divorce is final to introduce you to kids, family, friends. I think that is when your long term problems will begin.

If bf gets divorced and brings the kids home to a house where the two of you are living together, there is no way those kids and bm are not going to blame you for the divorce.

You are a ready made target and if BM is like you say she is, before you know it those kids will be letting you know exacty where you stand.

BF is already giving in to her when she pulls the "I'll keep one of the girls home to babysit" card. When she finds out he is living with you, there is a good chance she will use these kids more and more to get him to jump through hoops of fire, he has shown you NOW he will do what she asks whether it is right or wrong for the kids. This will continue. Do you want this.

If you continue I would suggest moving out and living in seperate homes so he has a place to bring his kids home to for at least a year. This would allow you time also to get to know his kids slowly when he (a few months after the divorce) introduces you.

My husband was divorced (for a short time) before he and I met, his kids were estranged from him. We married, I encouraged him to see his kids, he made no effort, eventually his precious daughter wanted a car so she decided to contact dad, he was rapt, and she became the favourite child (well from what I could tell always had been), and I became with no rhyme or reason, the whole reason he left his wife, but for me, mum and dad would still be together, the life they gave me, for 8 years, more importantly, he allowed them to give me because he was afraid they would stop seeing him again, was horrendous and almost had me having a nervous breakdown. Eventually I told his daughter never to come here again and I told him he could go with her if he wanted to.

It was really, rally bad. This was 8 months ago and it has caused a lot of damage to the marriage.

You have know him for some years I saw that, buy you say you have only been in a relationship you say for 6 months. If you want this relationship to survive you need to sort out with BF now, exactly what his plans for introducing you are. He only has 90 days to work this out. If he keeps putting this off, or refuses to discuss this with you, well you have an even bigger problem. But if either of you think the kids are happily going to accept dad and you are a couple the minute the divorce is over, let alone a "living together" couple. They are not.

I would be getting yourself and bf off to counselling to speak to a professional who deals in step families to get their help in how this is going to work. You have no idea how bad this can get and I would hate to see yet another SM on this page 12 months down the track in complete despair. Trust, me your problems potentially are far bigger than not being introduced.

I have seen these situations again and again through my work. Your loft needs to be a haven for you, not the stage for the drama between DH, BM and the SKids that will unfold for at least a year after his divorce -- if not longer. My one suggestion is, ask him to move out of the loft. YOu say you are "dating" at the moment, keep it that way so that YOU can control how much of the shit hits YOU. If he rents his own place you can test what the effect of the final separation between them is without being hit by the flak. He can have the rows and disputes that sound ready to arise over both kids and money, away from your territory. And in due course, perhaps a couple of years, you can then both move in together.
There are marriages that end calmly because one spouse has done everything the other wants. When the doormat starts to assert him or herself upon divorce, only then does the fighting start and believe me it can get homicidal. It's my firm belief that even the nicest person goes a little bit mad at the point of divorce. If this happens, it will kill your sex drive at the very least.
You are going to be cited all over his divorce papers which the children will read for eternity. They will not only be at risk of hating you but they will develop a sense of entitlement to your home and property. Before you even know whether you want to commit to them.
Get him to move out, kindly but firmly, and take it from there.

I understand why he hasn't introduced you to his kids.

The fact that you haven't met any of his family and friends is a huge red flag. I find it hard to believe that he doesn't have anyone in his inner circle who he can share the joy of his new relationship with.

Something ain't right.

You sound like your "head" is aware that your choices in this aren't the best. He's married, you're recently divorced, and you're already living with a married man.
It's been my experience that it is ALWAYS better for a woman to listen to her head than her heart.

Thank God these kids haven't been thrown into this, too. Give it time. Their parents are still married and he's got a live in girlfriend. :? :? :?

I suspect like all of us in the first flushes of romance (6 months), she is not going to want to do that. However stepdoormat, you have only been living together for 6 months, this is the honeymoon period. If this is what you are getting and feeling during the honeymoon period, can you imagine when things and hormones settle down what you will get. I agree with the poster who said your loft should be your haven. As I said before too, I honestly think you too living together when these kids are introduced to you is a recipe for disaster.

One more thing, don't you find it odd, you two have been living together for 6 months now. His children are not babies, they must have asked him where he lives, surely even they would think it odd that they haven't been to see where their father now lives. I wuld have thought that would have been the first thing they would have wanted to do with him, especially the 15 year old girl.

Just be careful here, sometimes these men do not always tell us the whole truth, they really do protect themselves first. I am not saying he is not telling you the truth just saying be careful. Because the fact that he visits them at the ex's is odd and I would love to know where he tells them he is living, and if he is implying to them that he lives alone, or is failing to tell them he is living with you, well that in itself is a lie. You do not have to speak to tell a lie, he sounds as if he is living a lie with at least family and friends, and I suspect kids, maybe with you to. So, just be careful, think this through before you ignore the advice to live separately till the divorce is settled. I agree and said before, whether you reaise it now or not, it truly is in YOUR best interests that he have his own place till all of this is sorted out.

I honestly don't think it is about you up and leaving. But it has to be about YOUR feelings too, absolutely has to be, he cannot have everything his own way because it makes it easier for him.

You say he will not introduce to the kids because the EX doesn't want him to yet............Please, why is he allowing her to do that to YOU. You are supposed to be the woman he loves, he is supposed to put your feelings ahead of the ex's. They are his children too and if he wants them to meet you, so be it. But more importantly if he knows YOU want to meet them then he needs to take your feelings into acount also and work something out now because this is upsetting you.

You say he spends a lot of time out of the house because he can't bring his kids there because the ex doesn't want him to.........well same as I wrote above applies.

You say the kids are pretty annoyed with mum right now, then if that is so,he should be getting them to understand his side of things and where his life is right now while they are still annoyed with her, not when they come to the school of thought were mum can do no wrong just because she's mum, and they will get there, well at least to the place where they will forgive mum anything and take her side because she is mum, and they not matter what, will always love their mum.

THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I MADE IN ALL OF THIS WAS WAITING FOR THIS AND WAITING FOR THAT BECAUSE DH WANTED ME TOO. PUTTING UP WITH INSULTS, DISRESPECT, ISOLATION AND HUMILTION FROM HIS KIDS BECAUSE THEY ACCORDING TO DH NEEDED TIME TO GET USED TO THINGS. If I had my time over the first time his kids tried to run my home, my life or insulted me, I would have told DH sort that out now, the second time I would have said, if that happens a third time and you do nothing about it, then your children will not be welcome here. I should have had some self respect and enough gumption to speak up at the beginning, not wait 8 years until I almost had to go on anti depressants to cope with life. It took me 8 years of taking a back to finally say that's enough and it has done damage to the marriage. Will it go back to what it used to be, NO, it cannot because I am not who I used to be, and I do not want it to go back to me making sure my husband is happy while he lets me suffer so he can make his kids happy. You should not either. If he loves you as you believe he does, then start asking for and expecting some give and take in this relationship RIGHT NOW, because if you don't this will only get worse and you too will lose the "special spark" you believe you have no. You do not have to leave, but you sure as hell have to speak up and get a 50/50 partnership happening here. The longer you let this go, the harder it will be for you to change it. The longer he gives into the ex, the harder it will be for him not to give in. The longer he lies to the kids and he is lying by the very fact he has not told him about his life and where he lives, the harder it will be to tell the kids the truth, and if BM is playing games you and he are playing right into her hands. Because if she keeps your living arrangements away from the kids for 6 months or a year, she will then tell the kids he has been living with you all this time and he didn't tell them. They will then be hurt by this and angry with daddy. So, keep this situation as it is, and you will pay a price for it.

sueu2 knows stuff...

OP, in one of your comments you said you just don't like the bm's drama. Once the kids start coming there, it is only going to get worse. IMO, 6 months is too soon to get kids involved, especially when their parents aren't yet divorced. You admitted in your initial post that you have made some bad decisions. It's possible you aren't qualified to make more decisions in this area. Not only is the exw already controlling you/him, she will continue to and make it worse. My bf has been separated/divorced for 3 years and she still has not calmed down. After almost a year and a half, we have decided to date away from the kids because there is just too many dynamics to work through with not only our parenting styles, but HER trying to control his parenting style, and kids crap.... I want to mention, too, that when I first met my bf, he told me he was a certain kind of parent, but after being around him and his kids, figured out he is NOT. So it doesn't matter what they say, the truth will come out and it might not be to your liking.

She has known this man 3 years and they have only been living together 6 months. My worry is there is a little bit more to the story. BM if she doesn't know already will work it out and the kids will be told. If the secrecy continues theses kids are going to suffer in the long run, as will her relationship with bf and his with his kids. When his relationshp with his kids begins to suffer, whe will wear the brunt of his resentment. Shame, because none of that really has to happen. Still we all have to do things in our own time.

She has known this man 3 years and they have only been living together 6 months. My worry is there is a little bit more to the story. BM if she doesn't know already will work it out and the kids will be told. If the secrecy continues theses kids are going to suffer in the long run, as will her relationship with bf and his with his kids. When his relationshp with his kids begins to suffer, she will wear the brunt of his resentment. Shame, because none of that really has to happen. Still we all have to do things in our own time.

You do not have to kiss, cuddle or touch to be having an affair, if you have feelings for someone else other than your spouse then that is cheating. But, please be assured I am absolutely not no way at all judging you. These things happen, we are all human and we cannot help who we fall in love with or when. So, if you and this man were having feelings and a closeness for and with each other before you seperated so be it. As I said, I am not judging you on that. I only bring it up because it makes a difference to how people will advise you. If you have met and moved in with him in the last 6 months then we see it as a fairly new relationship and at this stage seperate living arrangements should not be too dificult a choice for you two to make if it makes things easier in the long run. But if the feelings have been there for a much longer time then you will see yourself as being more invested in this relationship and that idea will be a much harder one to swallow. Now honestly it is the best option here and one day you will look back and see we were right on that one, but you have do do things in your own time.

I wish you would just put your foot down NOW and stop being second best, as you are living with him as man and wife I wish you would insist as being recognised by all his friends and family as such, I wish you would demand the respect and recognition you deserve. I wish you would do it now because it will save you a lot of heartache later. I sincerely wish you all the very best, and I hope you learn from the experiences of those of us who were stupid enough to put up with this for years and years, from those of us who almost lost our sanity over this and who lost our health over it.

I know the feeling, the specialness of meeting your soul mate "the one" the man of your dreams whom you love and who loves you. The man you would die for and the man you think would die for you. I also know that I sat back as you are doing now for 8 years before I finally put my foot down, and I was an idiot for doing so. It was the biggest mistake of my life.

You can avoid a lot of heartache by acting on this sooner rather than later.

One other thing I forgot to mention. While not nipping the crap in the bud was my biggest mistake, my first mistake was not meeting this man's kids and seeing how he was as a parent before marrying him. My DH was estranged from his kids when I married him and stupidly I encouraged a relationship between them "I loved him" I wanted him to be happy. Yeah, well I brought the evil into our home and did he want me to be happy then, NO, he became a man I never knew around his kids a man I didn't particularly like. Committing to them before you see who they really are, not who they say they are, or even who they may think they are is a big mistake. If you do not know a man and his family then you do not know the man.

My DH told me all about his wonderful kids and his horrible wife.............what a lot of rubbish. His kids were not who he said they were, they were greedy, selfish self centered spoilt brats who milked daddy like a milking cow. Fine he was happy with that, but they treated me with contempt, they humilated me, they disrespected me, they made me feel unwelcome in my own home, they isolated me and they refused to accept not only me but our marriage, doesn't sound like the people he said they were. But during all of this time he defended them made excuses for them, and worse still, found a way to blame me, ie: you're just to sensitive, you took it the wrong wahy etc., The youngest of these by the way was 19. I cannot tell you how much I loved this man, and I truly believed he loved me. But the truth is, I fell in love with the man he presented himself to me as, I did not know him till I saw him with his children, by then for me it was too late, I was married. I had made a full commitment.

You cannot know the man if he is keeping the most important part of his life from you - his children. You need to know how he is with them, how they are with him, before marriage/moving in, before making a long term commitment. Do not make my mistake. Yes, he was The One, the love of my life, a man I adored, my soul mate, I KNEW he loved me as I loved him, how wrong I was, he loved himself more, I saw that once I met his kids, then I was second best to his daughter. Stop this and get the respect and acknowledgement you deserve..Are you keeping him away from YOUR family and friends, are you denying him to anyone, I'll bet you're not.

Prior to me meeting my husbands kids, we were living together in a small apartment. (might I add the divorce was not final, infact their divorce took years due to money issues and fights about the whole thing) I met them twice I think, outside of our home during the "apartment" faze of our relationship. After a few months of living cramped there and realizing that we would need a bigger place for the kids eventually, we decided to rent a house. We also decided that once we moved into the house, the kids would start coming for weekends at our place. The kids were not told I was their father's girlfriend, but I was a friend. They were told we lived together prior to them coming by. But as far as relationship status goes and where everyone slept, we more or less just let it be and waited for them to ask their questions. We thought if we started blurting things out, that at their ages (3, 3 and 5) it might be confusing. So we wanted to just answer the questions that they had rather than dragging extra into it.

A week or so after moving into the house, the kids came by and to be honest, they never asked a damn thing lol They obviously realized that my husband (then boyfriend) and I were sleeping in the same room, but it didn't seem to affect them any. I was waiting for the big freak out, but to be honest, I think kids are a lot smarter and able to deal with things than we give them credit for. Obviously they knew their Dad wasn't with their mom anymore, because he didn't live with her. They knew that when he did live with her, he was with her. So I guess the simplest way to look at it was that ...well, Dad doesn't live with mom and they aren't together, but Dad lives with PCD so they ARE together. Simple enough. No need for questions. As they got older I expected the "why aren't you with mom" questions, but they never came up. Truth be told, the kids mom is a waste of space and does nothing but sit around sad and depressed. I think they can clearly see why their Dad couldn't stand to be with her.

In regards to your situation, I would say that regardless of divorce papers being finished, the right time is when you and your spouse decide is the right time. A divorce takes a while, if your spouse and his ex are not living together and not together in anyway and he has moved on and is with you now, then I don't see a problem with the kids knowing about you. If it's only been a matter of a month since they found out he wasn't with their mom, then I'd give it some time, but the reality is, if he's not with her, he's free to be with whoever he wants.

It's a bit tricky to negotiate this kind of situation. On one hand, I understand your BF not wanting to rock the boat too much until the divorce is final. My DH was like that too, more or less managing BM and the situation to keep things from imploding as they can. In his case, BM was fairly agreeable on her own but she had a friend who enjoyed throwing a monkey wrench into things and encouraging BM to try to screw DH over. I too had to wait a bit before I was introduced as they were in the middle of it all when we met. It was hard. But once it was out in the open, DH was very clear about his allegiance to me and his right to have his own life. That's key, that your DH ditch his guilt about the divorce and shut BM down when she tries it. I had nothing to do with the breakdown of their marriage but she latched right onto me as a cause, telling people he left her for me! She enjoyed the victim role for a while. But DH could see that and didn't dance to her tune.

I'd recommend some heart to hearts about your expectations and how it's going to be once the divorce is final re; the kids and BM's impact on your lives. Make it clear that he doesn't need to let her jerk him around and control his and your life.

To all of you posting with guilty dads--it doesn't work to eliminate expectations with the kids to "fix" the divorce! It's the very worst thing to do. A father needs to maintain self-respect and own his decision and not allow his ex and children to trample all over him! Even if they pull away for a while, at least when they come back it will be healthy. It's like allowing a toddler to run the show--when does that ever work?

I've just reread this as it got bumped to top of list. Two more things strike me about the BM.
(1) just because you were only platonic friends before, doesn't mean she'll believe that in a million years. If she thinks he had an affair or even was simply attracted to you before the end of their relationship, she will hate you for ever. Have a read about hating BMs on this site.
(2) her going round naked. I think someone like her might very much like to get pregnant for him again, at this juncture. I'd say wait until 9 months after the last time he goes into his old home, to commit.

Exactly Poodle well said. All she needs is to think there was 'some hint' of an attraction or that they were confidants to each other at work and it will all hit the fan. A woman would rather accuse another woman of "stealing her husband" (always love that expression) than think he just up and left her. BM will think what ever she wants to think to make herself feel better. I didn't read the part about BM going round naked in front of him, SO where are the kids when she is doing this, and why is he still going there if this is happening - for the kids...........