Need help with communicating with husband on parenting stepdaughter
Hello! I am new to the forum, but I have been having issues with communicating to my husband about parenting my stepdaughter. I feel like our relationship is tense because of this. This past weekend we were out shopping and my stepdaughter asks for candy. My husband tells her no (BIG SURPRISE) and then looks at me like "Yay! I told her no". Anyway, we go to another store and my stepdaughter brings it up again that she wants candy. We are at the checkout and she sees bubblegum and begs for the gum and tells my husband that it would be her very own and that she really wants it. I look at him with eyes that are pleading with him to tell her no, and he tells me, "Well that's different because it would be her very own." Needless to say, she got the gum. I realize this was ONLY a pack of gum, but how is it acceptable to say no, but then give in? This happens all the time at my house and I'm fed up. I try talking to him about it and express my feelings and he shuts down or gets very defensive. His response to my thoughts, feelings, etc. is "Ok".
Also, parenting decisions are made between him and his daughther or by himself. I am never brought into the mix to make decisions about bedtimes, when to do homework, what is acceptable behavior, etc. It comes as an unpleasant surprise when I hear from her about what rules are going to be in our house.
Please help! How can I get him to understand that he married ME and that if he wants ME to be a part of her life and to help raise her, that he has to include ME on decisions being made? I feel like a failure and don't want our relationship to sink because of these issues... 
What does he say when you
What does he say when you bring this up with him? How old is SD?
He says Ok and that's it.
He says Ok and that's it. With this instance and the gum, he told me that it was just a pack of gum and he didn't think it was really a big deal. I don't think he realizes that it isn't the gum that is the issue, it is the simple fact he already told her NO. I told him, out of anger, that I was going to see if the begging trick worked for me to get stuff I wanted...I feel like a failure when we argue about this. Constant bickering on my part because I don't know how to handle him and his parenting. I want to have kids together, but I don't see how this situation would get any better.
SD is 6-1/2 years old. I have known her since she just turned 3.
This is very simple since HE
This is very simple since HE has decided WITHOUT you how to raise his child and how things are going to be and go in your house you simply need to COMPLETELY DISENGAGE!!!
Simply put, DO NOT DO A DAMN THING FOR HIS DAUGHTER!!! OR HIM!!! If she asks for something or wants you to do something for/with her plainly say "Ask your father"!!! Do not do her dishes, her laundry, do not help with homework, etc. if HE is making and deciding ALL THE RULES then YOU need to let him have his way and wash your hands of EVERYTHING SD & DH RELATED...PERIOD!!! Let them BOTH see what life is like without any help or intervention from you whatsoever!!!! I guarentee he/they will not like it after awhile when he has to do everything with/for her and you just get to sit back and relax and live your life while hes tied down to doing everything for/with this bratty little shit!!!
ENJOY
AND KEEP US POSTED...PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have tried this on
I have tried this on occasions and told him that I was going to disengage if it kept happening. He got mad at me because he said this is how his stepmother was and he hates that I am acting the same way. Secretly, I know why she disengaged!!! This is harder than I ever imagined.
It took, the cold shoulder,
It took, the cold shoulder, rows, threatening to leave and 2 years, to stop my Bf guilt parenting, firstly you need to work it so it looks like your suggestions are in Sd's best interests, remind him that it is your home too, I told my Bf that teaching her good manners and respect would give her a better chance in life, he responed well to that, your husband see's your suggestions as an attack on his child, so its so important, what you say and how you say it, ask him, do you want me to be involved with Sd's life? I did want to be involved in my Sd's life, disengaging was never an option I wanted to take, remember your Sd is the way she is because of her parents, you must try not to resent her, praising her to her father is a good way in, good luck.
I will try explaining things
I will try explaining things as it is in her best interests. I really hope this helps. I know I have tried it a few times, but I didn't get the results I had hoped for. I will continue to try...just wish he would see that I am doing all the trying and realize he needs to, too.
Try family counseling but
Try family counseling but don't spend more than 8 weeks without concrete results. They'll string you along sometimes.
Disangage allows you to not put any resources into the kid. Time, effort or money are all kept seperate. This doesn't mean you can't interact with the kid it just means that nothing is required of you.
If Daddy gives them gum today and a car tomorrow its not your concern. You won't get credit for how they turn out but neither will you get any blame.
It's effectively the only way to keep you sanity while Daddy spoils his princess.
Pfffttt, just do your thing.
Pfffttt, just do your thing. When he lets her have the gum-get out of line and go pick yourself up a nice necklace and put it down on the line and smile saying "thank you"
When he allows her to break any rules, you go break one yourself. Do the bare minimum around the house, act up and spend too much on yourself for a week- and say "See-this is what she is going to become if you do not have any boundaries in place". No anger, no bickering. Just smile sweetly like some Stepford Wife
Jesus spoke in parables because simple people were more convinced that way than by some empty words of do this or do that.
If you guys are going to have
If you guys are going to have kids together, insist he enrols in a parenting class as a precondition.
I agree that you can't really disengage with a kid this young if you intend to have children soon. Continue to set the boundaries your household needs and if he objects, say you can't be inconsistent with how you are going to bring up any other children, that would not be fair on any of them.
If he can't hack that, you have your answer as to whether to proceed with starting a family with him.
Thing about this discipline issue is that it can mask the spouse's benefit from undermining the step-parent in order to make themselves the child's hero. Be careful you are not taking over the role of BM in this respect.