Started the Disengaging this weekend, HELP!!!
Well, I wrote DH a letter and gave him a copy of the essay Kes forewarded to us, high lighted with the important stuff. Having a conversation with him about his children being disrespectful would lead us into an arguement, so I thought a letter would help us. The essay really helped me to construct the letter and I assured him that I love him and always will.
He read it this morning and said it was a well written letter and the essay was excellent. DH said he needed a week to think, write me a letter and then we could talk. It's been tough and it's only day 1 
DH has a passive/ aggressive personality which makes me feel I have to be more on my toes and he likes to run circles around me to change things to be so he see's himelf right in every situation, especially with his kids.
Today DH said he needed me to be there for his son's bday party in case he needed another driver. I said sure and then I thought about it. He's didn't ask me, he told me and assumed I would be there. So on my way to a sports event (25mins alone in the car) I thought about what I had done and came up with an alternative.
During 1/2 time I spoke with DH alone and said "I think you should have SS ask me if I would help in bring kids to his bday dinner and when I say, yes, he needs to say thank you". Because both of you need to ask me and ss needs to realize that I support and do things for him and he needs to be appreciative.
DH say he can do that and then adds the BUT. DH proceeds to tell me that he is responsible to get the kids to and from the dinner not his son. And that I would be supporting him and it's a husband and wife thing.
Later on skid's friends show and DH tells me he would need me to drive. I said Ok, when your son comes and asks me and says thank you, I'll help. If not, then it's up to you to figure it out. DH says" well I can drop them off at the restaurant and come back and get another group of kids.
I am so tired of being disrespected and unappreciated by these skids and DH not doing a damn thing about it. I've been told they hate me, I'm fat, my perfume stinks etc. DH just sits there.
Am I wrong about what I did today?
No you're not wrong, your
No you're not wrong, your husband is, and to be honest, I had a laugh when I read it, because as sure as I live and breathe my husband would do exactly the same thing. They have guilt heaped on then by bio family members, then they put that guilt straight back on us. Stick to your guns, good Lord, what did you ask for here, common courtesy, not body parts. By the way my husbands 29 year old daughter has called us liars to our faces, shouts in her father's face, blames him for her life not being perfect - that's a joke, and her fiance has told us she wants to seperate us then see us both dead - my husband's response, "she doesn't mean it". Then just as soon as that sentence was out of his mouth, he said "Anyway, just because her fiance said she said that, doesn't mean she did." So, with that, it was all over, fiance was a liar, and darling daughter never said such a thing. Husband can now sleep at night knowing she didn't say it.
There are a million other things I could go on about with this piece of passive agressive NPS greedy selfish piece of work, but I always focus on the main culprit DH, he lets her get away with it and says nothing. I am his wife and he sits there and allows her to say and do awful things without a word, when I tell her enough, he (thankfully) after she leaves, tells me I shouldn't have said anything.
Anyway she is banned from the house now - so they can work it out, LOL that doesn't see to be working too well either so she has now called in more troops - sick 87 year old father in law. Here we go again.
I am almost at the end of this, I have for the last couple of years been preparing myself for the fact that this marriage may end because my husband allows his children to be disrespectful to me. If the day comes and I say it's over, it will be over and even our family doctor whom I have been discussing this with, says that I will be okay, but my husband is not going to be able to deal with it. But, that is something he and his daughter can work out. Just as a side incident, we took SS 35 who had not spoken to us for over 6 mths into the city one night during peak hour traffic because he needed a lift to take his partner out to dinner. We had to drive in and out during peak hour and it took us nearly an hour and a half to travel about 25kms. SS says nothing in the car, SS gets out the car shuts the door and walks off, not a word of thanks......DH, says nothing. I told him to wind down the window and tell SS to say thank you, DH drives away. Would he let my kids away with that absolutely not. He even asks for (and gets) a thanks from 18mth old grandson (my bio grandson), his 13 year old grandson does not know the words, please or thank you any more than his adult children do. YOU ARE NOT WRONG and i suspect in your heart of hearts you know that.
We do not have to put up with this nonsense. Still these kids are learning it from their fathers, children learn what they see.
I told DH he is a little too
I told DH he is a little too easy going (read passive) with the kids and they will take advantage. Of course he denied it.
I was right, it was hell on wheels with two younger SKids, not done with their nonsense yet iether.
One of the best ways of dealing with demanding, disrespectful and abusing people is to say NO, not always directly though, be as passive as they are! Worst comes to worst be ''sick'' that day!
Birthday events are kinda hard to squeeze out of, though.
He needs a WEEK to respond? How controlling is that? It's NOT a school assignment!
I'd be telling him 'I thought you had the mental capacity to deal with issues as and when they arise. I am sorry, a week?
Boost his ego and then challenge him!
I sometimes let DH think he has me on the run...LOL he is a little controlling.
I plant ideas in his mind, let them grow and he believes they are his own ideas. (wonderful counsellor shared tips with me, having sussed them, DH and SKids, for her own self)
Sometimes people are so manipulative of others that they cannot see when they are being manipulated...right?
I like to watch my seedlings mature into fully fledged ideas and actions...shhhhhh...I'm enjoying life leave me be!
DH has said on more than one occasion 'I've met my match here'.
Can you give me examples on
Can you give me examples on how you planted seeds to make him think it was his idea?
I know DH is mad even though he's trying to keep his cool, his actions are speaking louder than words. I'd be pissed too if everything was hunky dorey and then "fantasy land" was snatched out of my grasp too.
A friend of mine said to me today that he's pissed and all the shit you've been carrying in your head for years is now in his head.
I'd rather have him pissed at me, than me constantly feeling the way I have for a very long time.
Today we went to church, after the service one skid asked if I had his sweat shirt. I said no. He surprised that I did not pick it up for him. He was complaining...I said go get YOUR own sweatshirt.