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Adopt over Stepkids?

monkeyboy2030's picture

Here's a question - adoption over stepkids. My wife has 2 ssons, 8 and 4, visit EOW, and 50 days during the summer. We have been trying to concieve, but no luck. Are going to try in vitro soon, but it is $$$$, and no guarantee. Adoption looks like the best option. Is it wrong to rather adopt a child, and then feel a closer bond with the adopted child, rather than the skids who visit EOW? Is it wrong to want to give the adopted child the biggest bedroom (after the master), instead of to the skids who visit EOW? I would love a child of my own, and have not been able to bond with my DWs children - not that they treat me well, and calling me "Liar liar" via the BF certainly doesn't help...
Whatever thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you in advance!

dodgegal05's picture

There is nothing wrong with feeling more connected to a adopted child than a skid. You can feel connected to any child if they treat you with respect, unlike the skids. If you adopt dont feel bad for treating the child with more love than skid. If they complain try to explain about respect maybe. If they see how to get the positive attention maybe they will follow in suit. Only time will tell.
Hope this helps.

Tx mommy of 3's picture

The thing with adoption is that the child has no parents and YOU would become their parent. I know plenty of people who have adopted and there is no question that their adopted children ARE THEIR children. There are differences between adoption and steps. Stepkids have had other parents/people raise them whereas only you and your wife would be raising the adopted child. Adopted children don't come with all the baggage steps come with- cs, visitation, exes, entitlement issues, jealousy, etc. Plus it prob is easier to love an adopted child as your own more than you would a step because of all the issues a step brings. There really is no comparison the only similarity between steps and adopted children are that neither have your DNA. So I really see it as what would you do if you DID have a kid with your genes? Would they still get the bigger room? Prob becausethey live their fulltime. Are you going to favor your kid over a step- probably. Same with an adopted child. Because once you adopt, that child IS yours. So stop thinking of your future kid as an 'adopted' kid and start thinking of it as 'your' kid. What would you do?

alwaysanxious's picture

No way, I would certainly feel closer to my adopted child. Its my child. Skids are not mine.

Layla21's picture

I don't think there's anything wrong with it. My fiance and I have his 3 year old daughter full time and would like another child but I refuse to get pregnant. Adoption is also what we are looking into as I just would rather take care of a child already on this earth than make my own. I also don't think it's unreasonable to give the adopted child a bigger room considering that child will be there full time, unlike skids. Some people just cannot bond with their skids for whatever reason and especially if you don't see them full time so you definitely will end up forming a stronger bond with your adopted child. Good luck and don't feel guilty!

monkeyboy2030's picture

Thank you everyone for the advice and support. I truly appreciate it. As the skids arrive, and begin another weekend with us, and I feel myself disappearing into the background, I wish for the day when I could spend my time with someone that I can actually bond with. I have tried with the skids, and I will keep trying - but they aren't my friends, and why the heck should they listen to me, when I see them just 48 hours every other weekend. Thank you again.