Question for the group
Quick question for the group. Have 2 SS, ages 8 and 4yo, visit EOW. Both have discovered my wife's iphone and iTouch, and delight in downloading every annoying video to watch again and again. What is disturbing to me is that the 8 yo will seek out videos such as "100 worst ways to die" which shows a stick figure getting killed/murdered/crushed, etc. - in various ways. This in addition to a video showing a teddy bear getting shot in the head, as the fake blood splats on the screen. I objected to this, and took both the iphone and itouch away from both of them (not that they should have them anyway). She responded that - "it isn't my decision" to take them away or what they should be watching.
I think I do have a decision about what they do and watch in my house (our house, but I live here). Maybe I am too old for the times (41?), but I can remember actually reading books, and not playing video games all day. Would be nice to have them touch something paper (besides toilet paper) once in a while.
Anyway - any input would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.
I wouldn't be so concerned as
I wouldn't be so concerned as to them watching any video's, it's WHAT they are watching that would scare the hell out of me. Has she seen what is downloaded? To me that is a major red flag as to something being very wrong with this 8 year old. Could you download some information off the web that talk about how disturbing this is? Show them to her and tell her your not trying to make decisions for her but you are highly concerned for the child's well being? Sometimes it's all in how we approach a situation. Concern is normally taken much better than if she thinks you are trying to "step on her toes".
I say, stand your ground. 1st
I say, stand your ground. 1st of all, kids that young, should not have a $500 toy! If it gets broke, who is paying for it? YOU! That is what I have set rules about in our house. Kids are not to play with either one of our lap tops or Droids for ANY REASON! Those are OUR phones, OUR computers and NOT their toys! SS14 has even had to go to SS23's house to do homework on the computer cause our laptops are 100% OFF LIMITS! Just this last halloween, I saw DH allowing SD10 to take pic's outside of the house and whatnot on DH's phone, I again had to revert back to our rules and even taking pics on his $500 phone is OFF LIMITS! What if she drops it and it breaks? RIGHT?! Not that you are your wifes parent, but sometimes you have to put your foot down and keep it down. Second, no 8yo or 4yo should be watching violence of any kind. Again, another reason for you to keep your foot down! If the wife want's to keep her eyes closed to it, keep your's open! As you know our relationships require a ton of compromise, some things are not compromisable!
Uh...why is she allowing them
Uh...why is she allowing them to have an iphone/itouch anyways? They are for adults...NOT children. This is her problem. Stand your ground - she is at fault for this too.
deleted my last post. Sorry I
deleted my last post. Sorry I misread. I thought they were you Bio kids.
You are married and they are
You are married and they are your stepchildren. You absolutely have the right to be a partner in their parenting! I would love to see my DH try to tell me I don't have a say in the parenting of my SD! It is 100% wrong for an 8yo to be watching that kind of violence. A multitude of studies have shown how detrimental violent tv and video games are. There is a direct correlation to hours of viewed violence and violent behavior. I highly recommend the website www.commonsensemedia.org
This is all fine as it is
This is all fine as it is part true and all your opinion. My DH shoved the, "my kids" comment down my throat till a month ago, I said, "your right, they are YOUR KIDS so from now on, don't ask me to do anything! Not take them to school, not pick them up, not help with homework...nothing." I am a stay at home mom as my DH has asked me to be inorder to raise all the kids we have. Well, he made his bed and now he is sleeping in it. I stay home to raise my own kids now. And, I am also looking to go back to work. He can't have his cake and eat it too.
On the other hand, I am torn between, let the child play violent games, when we all see the statistics on how that effects them later in life. I can only hope this is above and beyond a proper example, but, heaven forbid the child becomes violent later in life....wait lets make it something simple, lets say the child goes to dinner with family, the child chews with his mouth wide open, who want's to see the food slop around in his mouth and who is that a direct reflection on? Should SD walk around telling everyone with a banner that he does not teach the SS manners because the mom doesn't want to coparent and doesn't believe the SS needs to close his mouth while chewing? Now, place that rule into everything SS does on a daily basis! Doesn't do well in school, is breaking windows, getting arrested for cerfew or drugs or whatever else! At what point does SD step in?????? It's his house as well and what the SK does effects the BM which then effects SD! Right? His rules, his right to teach manners, his right to tell a child, any child even if just the neighbor kid that is throwing rocks at windows, not to do that! So again, when can SD say, enough is enough? The health and wellbeing of a child, no matter who that child belongs to is EVERYONE's responsability no matter what your title is!
Just my opinion!
Sueu2, you just went on and
Sueu2, you just went on and on about nothin. If that was just an example, great I hear ya. But, read back in my 1st couple of sentences, I do, "shut the hell up" as you so politely stated. See my sentence that states, "they are your kids...I do nothing for them to include taking them to school, pick em up....so on"???!!!
I guess what I am trying to say is, OUR money pays the bills. When the child whoever's it may be, mine or his, flunks out of school and whichever one of us has to put the kid in special classes, does that not effect BOTH of us? Not care if they brush their teeth you say? What about when their teeth falls out? When BM and DH where still together, BM thought it was ok to give SD kool aid in her bottle! Ever hear of bottle rot? SD had 24 cavities by the time all her teeth came out. By then I was in the picture and BM took off and left SD! Ya know how much money DH AND I have spent on her teeth??!! Effects BOTH of us!
So, back to the original problem posted on this site, when the child breaks the phone, who does that effect when they have to go out and buy a new one? BOTH! When the child follows statistics, heaven forbid, he becomes violent and ends up in and out of jail, who does that effect financially? BOTH! What about the stress it puts on mom? It effects BOTH! So, I ask you again, WHEN IS IT OK FOR SD TO STEP IN SO IT DOESN'T EFFECT HIM ALSO BECAUSE THE BM IS TOO BUSY ONLY THINKING OF HERSELF???!!! Answer please???!! Cause like I said, my DH does whatever the hell he want's with his kids! I don't like his kids, I don't like what they do, I personally want nothing to do with them cause if they where my kids, they wouldn't act the way they do. I do the "banner" per say that says, "these are not my kids" everywhere we go, be it parent teacher confrences, the store...whenever I can talk loud enough for people to hear I make sure I say, something along the lines that they are NOT MY KIDS! Which again, because their behavior is effecting ME TOO! And, as I said, I have 4 adult SK's! We live between 2 very small towns and my DH's family name is huge around here. His adult kids are loud, rude, curse everywhere they go! Ya know how many times I have heard, "we ran into your Sk's at walmart yesterday, WOW what a mouth they have" Again, effects ME! And they are adult's what is DH supposed to do, ground em? When it comes down to something that will directly effect me I will be damned if I'm gonna "shut the hell up"!
I still stand my ground and say, if BM wont take the phone from them, SD does! As for the "village" comment, when the village has an idiot running it, YES, step in! (not that your wife is an idiot, don't mean to insult!)
What is this website turning
What is this website turning into? It used to be stepmothers...childless or with children of their own venting...within the last few months...I have seen lots of people being awfully critical of others and being hyprocrites as well. Bottom line...if our significant others have children...in our homes...we do have the right to NOT allow certain things in our homes...we do have the right to address the situation at hand...and I WILL IN FACT PUSH MANNERS ON MY FUTURE STEPCHILDREN SO I WILL NOT BE EMBARRASSED WHEN I AM OUT IN PUBLIC - whether my FH likes it or not!
High five unbelieveable!
High five unbelieveable! Thank you! I'm thinking we have a BM commenting here! That's what it sounds like to me! Not sure..... :jawdrop: :?
This is difficult. You see
This is difficult. You see that kids are doing something that is not in their best interest but at the same time your wife has set a clear boundary as your step dad role.
I often have to tell my SO in private when I think the kids are doing something inappropriate and he decides whether to talk to them about it. If its blatant, then I have said something in public, just as I would with a friend's child.
Your wife was pretty clear, but maybe you could talk with her and say that you would like a more active role, ask her what her reasons are for limiting your involvement. Its just to hard to be around a child and not want to correct them on things. Again, I'm the same way with my friend's children. I understand where my boundaries are, but sometimes I just have to speak up.
Agree!
Agree!
I don't think that there is a
I don't think that there is a set rule as stepparents, that automatically allows us clearance to take over parenting someone else's child. I also don't think there is a rule that automatically shuts us out of it. There are boundaries that need to be discussed & decided upon between the bio & step parents in the home.
Some steps choose to disengage. This removes them from responsibility from the skids. Others choose to actively parent, discipline, enforce rules, etc. None of it works if the parents don't agree on a method, though.
Set boundaries. Talk to your wife about the say you feel you should have in your stepparenting role. Undoubtedly, she will express her feelings about it. See if you can't reach an agreement with her on where you draw the lines.
I am good with your
I am good with your confiscation of the I-Pod/I-Phone due to the inappropriate use by minor children.... regardless of what your wife (their BioMo)has to say about it.
I know, not the most conducive opinion as far as family harmony is concerned but in this case your wife is dead wrong.
If you both discussed it and came up with a united message to the Skids that would be better but your wife disagreeing with you is not a good thing if she did it in front of the Skids. That just gives the little snot buckets the message that mom has our back and we don't have to listen to S-Dad.
I would suggest having a conversation 1:1 with your wife about not undermining each other in front of the kids.
Good luck and best regards,