I am really sick of comments from people
Forums:
Do any of you get the "You are only the step-parent - it's not your decision" comment!! I just want to scream at them. I get this from MIL and people who don't have StepKids......So, really, do they even have a right!?!?!? Why don't I have a say! I raised her; been in her live since she was 2 now she is almost 15 and has lived w/ us for 2 years! Ugh :?
IMHO If a child lives in
IMHO If a child lives in your house you have every right to help make decisions. Period. End of Story!!
If skid is in your life on a
If skid is in your life on a regular basis, and their actions and decisions directly affect you - the stepparent - why can't you have a say in things?
Making suggestions or giving input is not the same as making a decision FOR them. Do they mean that you are trying to make the decision for them?
In one way I can see that it is the biological parents place to make any final decision on how to deal with their child - as long as the biological parent has taken into account how it will affect you. In your situation I would surely think you should be able to have some say in what that decision is - especially as I said before -it directly affects you.
The way I look at it is if
The way I look at it is if this child is living under your roof full time, then you have EVERY right to dictate how things happen in your house. Lucky for me my husband is on board with every rule I come up with (within reason of course). I am the wife, this is my house as well, and I have made it very clear to my husband that I MATTER TOO.
My skids are young though (4 and 5), and really very good kids so it does not take too much work to get things to run smoothly. It also help that even though I run a very tight ship, the kids are clearly very happy and well adjusted. Much more then when they were living with their mother full time, and EVERYONE notices, so that helps my husband relax his reigns.
Again... something that I repeat to myself often is I MATTER TOO. This is my house, and my life too, not just my DH's and his kids. I am a part of the equation, and if I am not happy, then noone is.
BRAVO!!! and exacty right.
BRAVO!!! and exacty right.
I started dating my wife when my SS-21 was 1yo. We married a week before he turned 2yo.
My life, my house, my rules, my way and my say. My wife and I are equity partners in life and that made me an equity parent to my Skid.
You clearly made the most important point. My wife and I are a team and we cooperated on parenting our son (my SS) just as we cooperate on all things in our marriage.
Now that he is a self sufficient viable adult I am proud to say that our cooperation worked in raising the Skid.
I may give input, but at the
I may give input, but at the end of the day the final decisions are up to DF and BM. I'm ok with this.
I feel the same way about my son. DF can't tell me what to do with him. He can make suggestions, but that doesn't mean I'm going to listen.
My kid, my choice. Their kids, their choice.
BM called DF at work last night and asks him to bring her money for SD6 to buy books at the book fair today. This was AFTER she cussed him out and called me every name in the book. She also had SD6 get on the phone and tell him she doesn’t want to see him because he’s rude to mommy (true) and Disney called me stupid. (Not true) BM was livid because the sheriff had just served her with court papers. DF finally filed for visitation.
If it were up to me, she wouldn’t get one red cent above the CS he pays each week. However, he doesn’t agree so he took the money.
Fine.
That is just one more reason why we will never have joint accounts.
yeah I hate the thoughts that
yeah I hate the thoughts that I pressume go through the heads of MIL, SIL etc....re going forward decisions regarding the skids....
I know they propably think I shouldnt have a say.....but if it involves money that comes from my homes budget, or if it involves us having to give up our time for their lives...then
YES....I THINK WOMEN have every right to have a say.....
Nobody has ever dared to say
Nobody has ever dared to say this to me. I am disengaged, so it would not really come up anyhow, but if I ever heard that from someone, it would most likely be the last conversation I would have with them for a long time.
Thanks for the comments; I
Thanks for the comments; I guess I/we are damned if we do and damned if we don't.......I agree I should have a say....but it doesn't matter in the end......my advice is usually pushed aside. I am finally getting respect from DH at least; after months of "egg in his face" from princess - I guess he finally figured out I did those things because I cared.
I say "Your house, your
I say "Your house, your rules", and that includes disciplining, too! These are KIDS who need boundaries. When they're in school, their teachers have the authority to discipline as they see fit if they (as students) act out. How is it different in your own home? I get this a lot from my SKIDS BM, telling me to "Mind my own business" when it comes to disciplining her kids...Well, if it's in MY house, around MY child, it IS my business. That usually shuts her up
i didn't read the comments,
i didn't read the comments, but here's how *I* try to look at skids.........just like a neice or nephew
their best interest is at heart, i can give my 2 cents but ultimately, i have no control of what REALLY goes on
Of course your DW's XMIL does
Of course your DW's XMIL does not have any say in what you do as a parent to your Skids. Your skid lives in your home with you and your wife. DW's XMIL is a non player, has no say and I for one would let her know that unequivically were I you.
Our biggest and longest battles while my SS-21 was a minor were with SpermGrandMa. I never let that hag forget that she was a non player in the blended family drama no matter how hard she tried.
I met my wife when SS-21 was 1yo and we married a week before he turned 2. Since my wife and I are equity partners in life that made me an equity parent to our son (my SS). SpermGrandHag had difficulty with this concept and did everything she could to be a PITA. Her son was minimally involved other than to play video games with the Skid so SpermGrandMa felt that it was her duty to represent the SpermClan in my Skid's life.
Though you as a Sparent have no legal rights, neither does your DW's XMIL. As a parent to a Skid in your home you have far more say than this SpermGrandMa has.
IMHO of course.
You can't fix stupid so don't
You can't fix stupid so don't even try. You are ONLY the Sparent. You ONLY care for your Skid, mentor your Skid, etc, etc, etc.... Why should you have any say? :?
The fact is that you can have as much say as you choose to have. The people with unsolicited opinions are the ones with no say in how you parent the children in your home.
Don't sweat the idiots.
IMHO of course.
Sincerely,
I like your hypothetical
I like your hypothetical reply. It makes a very important point. As Sparents we have no "rights" but we are completely liable for the wellbeing of children that are in our care.
My perspective is that I am an equity parent to my wife and that makes me an equity parent to all of the children in our home regardless of biological participation in their existence.
In our case SS-21 was an only child in our home. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married a week before he turned 2yo. I was his dad when he was a child and I remain his dad now that he is a viable self supporting adult.
Interestingly he has very little interface with his Bio paternal grandmother now that he is an adult. Her toxic/vitriolic crap when he was a child came home to roost with SS now that he is an adult.