Posting anywhere but here will get your head bit off!!
Has anyone else made the mistake of posting elsewhere? I posted on yahoo about my SD15 being pregnant and wow I was thrown to the wolves!! Teenagers replied with nasty names for me, of course they would side with SD. I don't understand how people can be so judgemental!! Are we all suppose to be perfect self-less saints???? I had people telling me to just push her down stairs for Christ sakes! All I wanted was for her to live with her BM!! Not because I hate her but because her mom doesn't have babies of her own(I will have newborn in feb. And a 2 year old), she's financially better off and we have a tiny house with one bathroom! She's 15 and will need a ton of help. She loves her mom. Her mom wants her there and knows for us it will be too much. BM is really a blessing, we never disagree and seem to be alot alike! It made me feel horrible what people said! I have raised SD since she was 8 and been a very good SM, but am I expected to raise her kids too, at 28 years old? Does no one think of my kids being put out for SD's mistakes? They will grow up being cramped in a small house with SD and dad fighting bout money and school(already huge issue in our home) which will be BIGGER issues now with baby. Thanks for listening! I'm really just fed up with the perfect SM's out there who act like they are super women and judge those of us who are human and do our best with hard circumstances they know nothing about!!
Sueu2 you are one of the most
Sueu2 you are one of the most unhelpful posters.
I know right??? She has NO
I know right??? She has NO posts of her own and yet she thinks she's like the all knowing all powerful wizard or something. As far as I could tell she hasn't even written a bio so it's like WTF? For all we know it's a spinster or bachelor that has NO IDEA what any of us goes through and why be a member of site she apparently looks down at?
Sue, You mentioned "entitled"
Sue,
You mentioned "entitled" when no where did the OP indicate that she was entitled to something or her SD-15 was not entitled to something. In fact, the OP never even used the word entitled in her original post.
The word entitled just pisses me off. No one is entitled to anything that they do not earn for themselves. The OP and her DH have earned their home and earned the ability and the choice to raise their younger children free of the extremely poor example set by their older sib (SD-15).
SD on the other hand has not earned anything and is entitled to nothing that her parents are not willing to GIVE her.
She has made her bed now she has to lay in it with no expectation or right to support from anyone.
SD-15 dropped her big girl panties and serviced her baby daddy and by doing so gave up any reasonable expectation that her father, SM or BM would give her any support.
She has earned nothing and is entitled to nothing that she does not earn for herself.
The OP is not entitled to live in her own home. It is HER home, she earned it. People with an entitlement mentality don't have a home, they steal money from the people who earn it every time they spend a penny of give away money even if it is to pay rent for shelter. It is not their home, it is the taxpayers home and only shelter that the entitlement minions get the benefit of out of the benevolence of people who refuse to recognize the word "entitled".
SD-15 is now nothing more than another entitlement breeder stealing from people who work for a living.
IMHO of course.
Sue-I find in your postings
Sue-I find in your postings that you post your opinion on things that you don't know. You ASSUME that the parents must somehow be at fault and then crucify them for it. You come across as very harsh and very disrespectful. You said in the above post that Rags was belittling this 15 year old girl on circumstances he knows nothing about-but yet you critize OP's without knowing the full story. You jump to your own conclusions and you think you know it all. The only purpose you are serving on this board is pissing people off. You have a right to your opinion, but you can state it in a different manner, yet you continue to state your opinion in ways that will only start arguments. This site is to help people. You are not helping anyone at all. You continually make people feel bad about themselves and you don't even care. You are the most judgemental person on this site and you don't even write about any of your own experiences. So, instead of telling other people that they are wrong, why don't you look at yourself and see what you are doing wrong?
I just see sueu2 as a huge
I just see sueu2 as a huge blowhard - said it before - I'm sayin' it again.
As to what she feels she is doing with her bullshit replies is beyond me. Maybe I could see her more as a truthful, valid, opinionated person if she would share HER issues. But as we all know she does not.
She may not even be walking in any of our stepshoes..therefore her opinion is shit. Unless she's living and dealing with it, she should be ignored.
Sue, Of course you are have
Sue,
Of course you are have the right to your opinion. I don't necessarily disagree with what you say about these kids (teen parents) needing guidance, etc.... They certainly do or the tax payers will be stuck supporting their ever increasing and seemingly countless spawn.
Some of these kids even have had the benefit of solid parenting and still make this poor decision.
I too had an incident with out of wedlock pregnancy. I was 19 and my college GF was 21. She became pregnant, I offered to marry her and was in the process of quiting school to work as a tire mounter when she decided to terminate the pregnancy. Though on many levels I was relieved on a deeper level I was very sad. We became engaged but that did not work out. However, we did handle the situation our selves without asking or requiring help from our parents.
Yes, there is a bit difference between a 19/21 year old couple dealing with this situation and a 15/16yr old. But, if these people want to play adult they can bear the consequences of that decision.
Even kids who come from poor parenting backgrounds have to learn how to overcome that background. At some point the problems we all inherit from our parents become our problems to solve. To improve the future for our own children, we are obligated to solve them. Unfortunately many people don't even try.
I don't disagree with you opinion on the situation this young woman has put herself in, what I take issue with is the entire concept that anyone is entitled to anything.
Even opinions. Certainly we all have the right to our opinion but, in my opinion, opinions are earned by those who provide for themselves and who are accountable for their own actions. People like, you, me and the other members of this community who choose to raise children that we are not obligated to raise. The opinions of those who have not earned their opinion are a waste of air.
All IMHO of course.
Best regards,
I doubt those were sm's
I doubt those were sm's ripping you a new one. Your intentions for your sd sound like they are in the best interest of everyone. 15 years old--- she'll need LOTS of help!!
Actually I admire the fact
Actually I admire the fact that you are there saying NICELY, "I'm sorry but I cannot DO this," humans have limitations and if you were to be pushed beyond yours it would just cause more problems than the alternative. Sounds like you and BM are on the same page anyway so that's a GOOD thing right?
I would like to get some
I would like to get some background if I may. Why does dh have custody of sd to begin with? Was there some kind of issue when they divorced that the courts gave him custody or was it agreed on by them both? The reason why I ask is because you say that BM has been a blessing and there have been no problems and she is actually better off to handle sd. So I guess I'm kind of wondering if it's in sd's best interests to be with her BM. Just making a general statement here (that may very well get me blasted) but it's typical for BM to get custody unless there is some issue that the court finds is not in the child's best interest. I don't like to answer anything without having a little more history. From the sounds of things the way you've written it here, I don't think it should be a big deal for the sd to live with her mother. In fact, most women want their mom's when they are having a child. There's a bit of a bond that happens there.
I'm also curious what your dh is saying about it since both you and BM are on board with SD living with her. Is dh the one that is saying no?
People are very judgmental as a general rule. I've only been a part of this group for a few days but from what I can tell, all of us here have pretty much been through the same crap with sk's and BM's. I do not believe that everything I have read on this board is right, nor do I agree with all of the sm's here as was suggested above. But that's not to say that I can't relate to what they are going through or the feelings they are having.
The way I see it, just from what you've written here, your SD would be just as comfortable at her BM's home as she would be in your home. Maybe even more so since she seems to have a good relationship with her BM. And with you having a new baby in February, that really is a LOT to take on in one household. And it doesn't seem to me from your post that your sd feels unwelcome in your home. It sounds to me as if you all seem to get along pretty well. Your post isn't angry or hateful, just matter of fact and honest. But a little background info could also change my mind. LOL
This site CAN get pretty
This site CAN get pretty hostile sometimes huh? I think it's because we come here when we're at our wits end to begin with and we no longer know WHERE to turn. Divorce and remarriage is definitely THE hardest thing I have ever done up to this point in my life...
I spent 4 years with an alcoholic abusive man and I beat MYSELF up right along side him because of my marriage failing and so many regrets.
I definitely don't agree with EVERYTHING on this site either but I DO believe we all HOPE that we are trying our very hardest and doing our very best. We come here seeking someone who can relate, someone to give us hope and someone who can hopefully cheer us on so we can move forward and continue to try.
We are ALL here to say DAMN IT THIS IS HARD!!! Can someone listen? Can someone help? Can someone RELATE? And I don't know about any of the rest of you but sometimes just being able to voice how we feel and having someone reply that they feel that too... it helps.
Absolutely!
Absolutely!
Nope, you are not out of line
Nope, you are not out of line at all. SD-15 made her choice when she decided to have sex and she is no longer a child. Your young children should not be adversely affected by their older sister's mistake.
If you had the space and resources to help SD-15 with her baby that would be your choice. since you don't have the space.
SD-15 had her chance to be a young child and forfeit her chance to be a teen when she chose to have her baby. She should not expect to interfere in her younger sibs time to be young children nor should she be allowed to interfere in their childhood with her mistake.
Thank you step aside! That's
Thank you step aside! That's exactly how I feel. SD has simply chose to live here with us. She has no problems with mom. Mom just lives in another state. She's asked to live there a few times over the last few years but dh said not til she finishes school year and by summertime she changes her mind. She has a crappy relationship with dad has said many times she hates him. Dh has hard time handling SD who is very stubborn (much like her dad). I have a pretty good relationship w/ SD. I argue with her about doing putting dishes in dishwasher(her only chore) and she has expensive taste that we can't afford(she only wants hollister brand clothing), but that's all normal crap. Her mom and dad had her at 15. Yes THEY have been bad examples, I waited til out of college to have kids. Her dad had 4 before twenty and her mom 3. BM is single and a manager at wal-mart, she's got her life together. Dh is gone many nights of the week working, so he isn't much help at home. He wouldn't be doing anything for SD. Both Bio parents trusted SD and never took her for BC, I tried to get it done, but they wouldn't listen to me. Dh has agreed with BM, yet he feels guilty, I know he worries what people think. He really expects me to deal with it for him and I can't. I have my own prenatal appts. He has to take her and he's pissed about it. Keeps saying he's gonna get fired. I have thought of just leaving Dh, seems so easy to just bow out because I feel guilty. If timing were different and my kids were older and in school, we'd simply move if possible and deal with it, but with one income or daycare and two incomes, it feels impossible to me. Dh also pays CS on two boys he doesn't see (12 & 14) so u see I've got myself in a big mess that I feel I can never get ahead with all the bs. People told me I was crazy, I just thought it would get better not worse.
Send her to her mom's. Sounds
Send her to her mom's. Sounds like you have your hands full. What's wrong with that? Does BM have any other kids at home?
SD doesn't wanna leave Baby's
SD doesn't wanna leave Baby's dad who had dumped her for another girl and spread rumors bout her all over school a week before pregnancy was confirmed. She called mom and was moving to get away from this boy but now they are back together. That's the hard part, but her mom is trying to transfer closer.
Not leaving baby daddy is her
Not leaving baby daddy is her reason? I'd say tough. She made this choice to get and stay pregnant and now NEEDS mommy and daddy to take care of her--so she doesn't get to make that decision. He sounds like a real winner, oh yeah. Don't inconvenience your family to help her keep the soap opera alive and well. She is just plain selfish and should be grateful. In the old days, she would have been sent to a home or thrown out. I'm not saying that was right, but why should she be in control over the adults in her life?
BM does have other SD12
BM does have other SD12
I'd have a very hard time
I'd have a very hard time with this. A 15 year old becoming pregnant is a job for the BM to take care of. Sorry - I'd be damned if my life would revolve around my spoiled SD so BM could run free and my SD is 19! No way in hell!
True - if she is old enough to have sex she needs to take a long hard think on how she is going to handle this 'adult' response to her 'adult' action. And Mommy should be right there to help her. You should not be responsible to raise the child of a 15 year old.
You have a new baby yourself - this is YOUR time to enjoy your own child. Not a damn thing wrong with wanting that time either. Don't listen to any asshole who tells you differently either.
Sueu2, THIS is what this site
Sueu2,
THIS is what this site is about - read carefully -
"This site provides a place for stepparents to talk about their issues, offer support, provide solutions, give helpful advice, ask questions on step parenting and blended families and vent."
VENT being the key there.
If your life is so wonderful, what the hell are you doing here? Just what is it that made you seek out a forum for stepfamilies if you claim you cannot look hard at anything your stepkids do? What do you expect to find here? And what do you plan to offer when each time a stepmother vents you conveniently find ways to dog her? Just because your supposed picture perfect lifestyle does not mimic the poster does not give you the fucking right to put her down because of her feelings towards her stepchildren. If your life is so June Cleaver, how can you put yourself in any poster's shoes and offer any sort of plan of action?
Did you come here to let us know Susie got all A's on her report card? Or Timmy won the National Spelling Bee again? Or that you all got on your Sunday best and went to Grammy's house for supper and your family is so blessed?
Well sorry honey, life ain't that sweet for some of us. I happen to have a 19yo SD that steals from me...lies like no one I've ever met in my life and manipulates worse than a psychopath. And I have an 18yo SS that is spoiled rotten...underneath he is a good kid dying to get out..but both kids have been so spoiled by Mommy and Daddy that it's shocking. I put up with them because I love my DH dearly..he's made some very sad mistakes with his kids and he's paying for it today.
All that said, I come on here to vent and be able to get out some frustration for as you can tell I'm pretty verbal. Others are as well and have the right to be that way without YOUR snide comments.
No one wants to come on here with true, genuine anger and be made to feel that they are somehow wrong because they feel that way.
My own daughter? Hell, she's 20 years old and was quite the spoiled brat for some time. Her dad left her when she was 14 years old and I raised her from then on. She is far from an angel and I vented about her too many times..does that mean I dispise my daughter too? She was like that due to her father not being around and I was alone..I was going to college full time and working full time and she did many things I didn't agree with. The divorce was very hard on her so we had our bouts, trust me.
And THAT being said - I know my SKs act this way due to THEIR parent's divorce...and my DH and I are dealing with it daily. And I sure as hell do not want your snotty assed comments making me feel my anger isn't worth speaking of. No one on here does.
My advice? If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.
Actually it's pretty clear to
Actually it's pretty clear to me why sueu2 posts here. It makes her feel superior. She has a God complex that she needs to feed and we are her appetizer, main course AND dessert. She doesn't think that there is a person on this site that can match wits with her. We are all "just common folk" with our "back hills ways" to her.
Knowing THAT, NOW who's pathetic considering she has to come to a site where women are already down and looking for support so she can try to make them feel inferior and bad?
lmao AGREED!
lmao AGREED!
Sue, I wouldn't be having
Sue,
I wouldn't be having babies right now if she were my daughter ( I wasn't having sex at twelve years old when she was born btw). If she were my daughter she would have been on birth control cause I would have not had her parents believing her crap story that she wasn't having sex. So it's unfair to say "IF". Her dad said same crap. He doesn't wanna deal with her, why should I? He's responsible. Yes, but he's also a old fashion person who doesn't believe in taking care of house or kids. If he were different than yes I might be more willing to take on raising grandbabies, which just sounds silly to me being my age. She knew what she was doing, we talked to her and bf months before this and gave them condoms. She had option to give baby to the dads mom to raise until she's out of school. She wants to have her baby which I respect, but she is 15 and that means others making choices for her because she can't do it on her own. Sorry that's life. If she wanted everything her way she should have waited til she could take care of herself and her baby.
Sue-I didn't insult you at
Sue-I didn't insult you at all. I said you are judgemental and you are. Why even talk about the "IF's" when they might not even exist? That is what I am talking about. We are all supposed to be commenting on what the OP posted about, but instead you say that "If this is the case..." Well, we don't know if it is the case. By the time that you are "proven right", so you say, nobody cares because you have already put everyone on the defensive. If you want to be heard, then deliver your message better. You want to blame it on that we are SM's...guess what? I don't care what my title is, you are still rude most of the time. You use that we are SM's so that's why we don't like it...just sounds like to me that you use that as an excuse to act the way you do.
Hjean----a pregnant 15 year
Hjean----a pregnant 15 year old girl needs her mother during a time like this. Sounds like BM has more time, money and room to help take care of daughter and grandbaby.
Thats would be my story and I'd stick to it. SHE NEEDS HER MOTHER DURING A TIME LIKE THIS.
Besides, if BM doesn't have to take care of her, then you don't either.