Your "Ah Ha!" Moments?
We probably have a lot of "ah ha!" moments in life, but I'm wondering what yours are in regard to step-parenting?
One of mine was...well, this might sound kind of stupid, but it never occured to me there was like a grander mission, a real end goal in all of this SP bullsh*t. It was during a counselling session that the psychologist remarked, "the purpose of what you're doing is to raise [SS] to become a good man. So, you've got to think in what is happening now, what kind of man will [SS] become?"
And that was honestly the first moment it dawned on me, "Cripes, this smelly little creep is gonna become a man one day, and my job is to help him become a good one! F*&K! I don't know how to do that!"
That, more than anything completely shifted my perspective. I realized that I have a tendency to be a self-absorbed jerk, and to mainly consider what an inconvenience a step son is to me rather than the de facto job I signed on for in hooking up with a parent. It helped me accept my role and to invest more of myself into it. It was a game changer really, because I spent pretty much every day before these enlightenments of counselling wanting to bail out of parenting and marriage all together.
So, what were your ah ha moments?
It was when I found this site
It was when I found this site and realized that I was not the monster I thought I was becoming...or maybe this is the site for monsters like us, but it felt good to know I'm not alone, because I certainly thought I was!
Jeez, yeah, you are both so
Jeez, yeah, you are both so right about this sight being a Godsend. Actually, that is what led me to take counselling seriously in the first place -- the advice of people here going through similar experiences.
When I realized that SS's
When I realized that SS's fruit and veggie consumption was really not my concern, and now if he turns up his nose he can leave the table.
Mine was when I realised that
Mine was when I realised that I am capable of making my own decisions about whom I will choose to have a relationship with and whom I will not. DH has always been more or less in his comfort zone regarding skids' bad behaviour - I have not. They are adults. I would NEVER choose to be in the company of adults whose attitude towards me is that negative, so I will no longer make an exception for them or their behaviour. I have chosen to not pursue a relationship with them.
My aha moment was when I
My aha moment was when I found this site and realized that i'm not a beast for not liking my DH's daughter.
My aha moment was when I was
My aha moment was when I was on another site and I couldn't figure out why I wasn't close to my skids at all. I realized I was disengaged way too much. I left that site and got on the right track with them. Now things are so much better b/c I want I want to do for them when I want to them. Our relationship is a lot better too.
It was second wives. I don't
It was second wives. I don't think it is up anymore.
My Sparenting Ah-Ha moment
My Sparenting Ah-Ha moment was when my wife finally blew her stack and let me know that she did not agree with how I was disciplining my SS (then ~15).
I told her fine "If you don't like how I am disciplining then you better get it done before I have to".
Things have been much calmer in our home since then. Occasionally I have to put my foot down but she usually handles the Skid before I have too.
He even comes to me to ask my opinion on how to get off of his mom's shit list when he screws up and suffers her much more lingering discipline.
It is pretty damned funny when I give him THE look and say "just wait until your Mom gets home".
My aha moment came a few
My aha moment came a few weeks ago when my sd20 was slowly and progressively raising her voice to me in front of a friend of mine from out of state, because she didn't like what I had to say concerning the way she treated a friend of hers (plain and simple she was cruel and heartless to her best friend). She kept getting louder and louder, kept interrupting me, and got more and more disrespectful until I finally just completely lost it and started screaming at the top of my lungs, "If you would just SHUT UP and LISTEN for ONCE you might actually UNDERSTAND what I'm SAYING!!!" She looked at me and said in the calmest voice, "Well... I don't have to sit here and take this. I'm leaving." My dd13 and dd10 witnessed my tyrade, along with my friend (who ended up saying that my sd20 is a 'vindictive, heartless bitch'). I did NOT like myself in that instance. I had allowed this little drama whore/daddy's princess to walk all over me, bully me, be nasty to me, and disrespect me for 11 LONG years and leave me sitting at my kitchen table in a pile of stress and tears shaking uncontrollably and telling my husband to get the hell out of my house too because he's the reason she is the way she is, my dd's running to their rooms to hide, and my friend trying to console me. After EVERY DAMN THING that I had done for her she seriously DID NOT CARE!
I had FINALLY gotten it...
"Do not make someone a priority who only chooses to make you an option."
That is what I have lived by since that night. And I have banned the bitch from my home, myself, and my kids. She will NEVER poison MY family again with her negative dramatic performances, disrespect, and attitude.
The last thing she said to me, "You are really gonna feel like shit if something happens and I die tonight or tomorrow and you have treated me this way!!"
Uh no... sorry Miss Thang... sorry to disappoint. That MAY have been the way I felt BEFORE my AHA moment. BEFORE I realized my self worth and my value. But not anymore... never again. Enjoy your theatrical life alone!
Haha! Well, at least you
Haha! Well, at least you didn't wish her dead and have it happen like the MIL! You would not have to worry about that being on your head! LOL! What attitude. No, she doesn't have to sit there and listen to it. Good job for her to make the right decision and leave. Maybe you'll have some respect for you when she comes over in the future!