BASIC RIGHTS IN A RELATIONSHIP
I decided to post this list I found in a book I am re-reading.
This is because I have noticed a lot of SMs posting lately who are in abusive situations - whether it be verbal, emotional or physical.
BASIC RIGHTS IN A RELATIONSHIP
The right to goodwill from the other
The right to emotional support
The right to be heard by the other and responded to with courtesy
The right to have your own view, even if your mate has a different view
The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real
The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you find offensive
The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business
The right to live free from accusations and blame
The right to live free of criticism and judgment
The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect
The right to encouragement
The right to live free from emotional or physical threat
The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage
The right to be called by no name which devalues you
The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered
This is from the book, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans
I would also add: The right to be able to spend time with your friends and family without repercussions!
Thanks SO much for that
Thanks SO much for that reminder. I noticed this on the board as well. I posted on several recovery from abuse boards over the years and have been actively involved in that sphere of life (shelters, message boards, DV awareness).
I also noticed and hence why I posted that women that are married to guys that place all blame on BM's...to be careful.
My exh accused me of lying to get a RO...he accused me of cheating, he fed that to his family and gfriends. Watch for flags-watch that they treat you with respect as per above list...don't jump to conclusions simply on what they tell you of the ex-wife. Many of these guys claim so different then their reality and they hook their next victim (MANY of the smoms on this board) w/their lies and get the new wife to hate the ex.
It took quite some time for the things my bf experienced w/his ex to come out-I still listen carefully-I still ask questions...but mainly I watch what their D says and acts to realize-you know what-he doesn't seem to be lying here.
But honestly-that list is a lifesaver...Patricia Evans and Lundy Bancrofts books were lifesavers for me. The boards I went to and the women who helped me were lifesavers. I'm glad I've HAD the chance to return some of what was done for me over the years.
It's a very good book and
It's a very good book and really opened my own eyes. It was recommended by my counselor whom I started seeing after H said that our arguments were MY fault, not his, and I was the one who needed counseling!!
[But in his defense, I kept an open mind over what he said about BM and SHE was the one who convinced me that he never even told me the WHOLE truth about HER wacky ass!!]
Ha-my ex said that to me
Ha-my ex said that to me too...I did get counseling-which just further opened my eyes to his abuse and helped me get out
These abusers will NEVER be accountable or admit they are the ones w/the problem...for an abuser to change is so hard because their motive is to control. Their actions aren't the only or main thing that needs to change-it is their mindset/belief system.
It's like someone telling us-everything you ever believe to be right is wrong and you need to re-learn everything you held true. Not an easy task...because in their madness they can't see that their way of thinking is warped. I hesitate to call them monsters-but what they can DO to healthy people is monstrous if that makes sense. It's a cycle...starting in childhood sometimes...what matters is the one aware gets out and gets help and breaks the cycle for the next generation.
If anyone is interested in getting help I have quite a few resources by the way-just shoot a PM.
I have also made the decision
I have also made the decision to get out.
H was verbally and physically abused by his father - badly - while the younger boy was idolized. His mother got out when she could but father fought for and got custody. CPS was called but H lied so his dad wouldn't get in trouble (doesn't make sense to me either).
Psycho BM who cheated on him was the only relationship he ever had before me.
Although I can understand WHY he got the way he is, I cannot continue to put my happiness on the back burner because of his issues that he refuses to get help for.
Skylark-I think you and I
Skylark-I think you and I probably could relate on a lot of issues.it's so sad to hear about your H...and I think that's what keeps good people with their abusers..we feel sorry for them and their pasts-because in most cases INDEED it IS sad
BUT...BUT....does that meant that our kids or us have to put up w/the same behaviors towards us because of what happened in their past?? We just become another part of the wheel of sad!
I know their ARE people from abusive homes that chose the exact opposite w/their kids...it's a matter of personal choice and responsibility once they hit adult age. Sometimes I think it's draw of the luck which ones are affected and become abusive themselves. You can have siblings raised in an abusive home and one becomes abusive, the other a victim, the other is healthy.
My exh had a very abusive mom-his dad went quiet and did not stand up for them...he became detached from his wife and kids.
His (exh) misogyny stems from the hate he had towards his mom. In other cases it's learned behavior because that's how dad acted towards mom.
I'm fully aware as per my ex-mil that women are JUST as capable of being abusers and ruining their kids.
It's just not worth us staying because we feel bad for them-or because their ex did them wrong. At some point we have to remember to take care of ourselves, and our kids...and love ourselves and our kids more then we despise their past that kept us stuck with them
He is proud that, because of
He is proud that, because of his past, he has never laid a hand on his kids. He just doesn't seem to realize that the words hurt just as bad. But the fact that he does it to me and NOT to them or not to me when they are around, tells me that even he knows it's not right.
But as a step parent you have
But as a step parent you have zero rights when it comes to the kid.
I read the list and realized
I read the list and realized that when it comes to the welfare (emotionally and financially) of our marriage, DH's daughter is always a priority. Although she is a grown women, who needs to get a job, she still need a handout to live a high life. I heard that many abused indiviudal becomes abusers. I think this is the case in my DH's life. I don't care how many sad stories SD told about the "evil" bm, it's her responsibilities now to deal with bad childhood. Now, DH is out (living with his daughter in the apartment), I going to fight for my basic rights in my marriage. Live or let live situation.