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Autistic Adult Step Daughter doesn't work

jdlusk's picture

Not sure if I'm looking for advice on how to react or just an avenue to vent my frustrations.   

Background: I have a 23 Autistic Step Daughter.  She's completely verbal, graduated from High School and from a Skills Vocational School and  has no physical limitations.  Her maturity level is that of a 13 year old.  Her mental level  is probably around the same or somewhat older.  She lives with her mother half the month and with her father and I the remainder.  Her father is retired and I work full time.

The issue I'm having is when she's at our home, I expect her to contribute during the work day.  My definition of contributing is getting out of the bed at a reasonable hour of 8-9 and required to search for a job for part of the day and peform household chores the remainder.  To clear the table and place the dishes in the dishwasher on designated evenings (rotates with me and my spouse).  I've verbalized those expectations and my spouse agrees with me.  The reason for them is to prepare her to move to a group facility at some point and be semi-indepenet as her father and mother are older parents and won't be around forever.  What happens is while I'm at work she plays house with her father and he does the majority of her "chores".  When I try to make a point that this is unacceptable she goes to him and he sides with her and it turns into a huge arguement of which it's the two of them against me.  She also walks around in our home after she bathes with no clothes on to say her "goodnights".  I understand we should all feel comfortable in our own skin but as a young woman, I think it's totally unacceptable to expose yourself to your father.  I also feel resentfull at times that I'm out of the house at 7:00 am and return at 5:30 pm for work while they play.  He's worked hard for that right but she hasn't.  She finds every excuse in the book for not searching for a job (despite the whole COVID situation - there's plenty of jobs out there in the area that we reside) and he allows it and finds excuses for her as well.  I'm accused by my husband of being "jeoulous of her" when I try to discuss the situation, I'm told that I don't know anything about raising children (I don't and admit that but I do know that as an adult you should be required to do something during the day outside of playing on the computer and standing around watching your father work around the house) and in general I'm not a considerate and loving person.  

Another footnote is this living situation wasn't there before we married.  He would love for her to be there all the time. 
At no point did he approach me to discuss this, rather he just assumed I would be ok with the living situation.  I completely feel like a guest in my own home of which I help pay for.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Comments

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

If she’s verbal and graduated high school then she is able to put some clothes on at bedtime!

I would be out of there like a shot if this is a boundary issue (they sell special seam free clothes for people with autism to reduce discomfort if that’s an issue). 

This is way out of my comfort zone.....

 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Ick, so you have to look at her naked as well as cook and clean for her?! That would be a no for me. Jesus. It's one thing for a person to be comfortable with their own body but others aren't obligated to be comfortable with looking at another adult! Your DH should have stopped that. Gross that he hasn't.

shamds's picture

it seems sd here understands just fine how inappropriate it is to be running around the house naked. 

My own husband only ever wants to see me naked, never his daughters. Just grosses him out to see that inappropriateness.  It’s different with little kids when you help bathe them and diaper changes and going to toilet etc

Aunt Agatha's picture

Doesn't have one iota of respect for you.  It's no wonder his daughter doesn't either.

Id move on and find someone who treats you as their equal partner, and who insists their family members wear clothing.

jdlusk's picture

Thanks for the advice and allowing me to put my concerns and frustrations out there.  I don't believe there is or ever has been any sexual incest between SD and my spouse.  I just believe that she doesn't understand that she's a woman and as such walking through the house after she bathes to say her goodnights is inappapropriate.

There are quite a bit of suggestions that I definately will act on and see if the situation improves.