Here is something I read in the advice column called "Dear Prudence." What do you think?

Q. Difficulty Dealing with Ex-Spouse but Co-Parent: I have two (elementary age) children with my soon-to-be ex-husband. He has visitation for three hours on Wednesdays and every other weekend.

For the last few weeks, the kids have told him they don't want to go with him. I don't think there's anything wrong or they feel unsafe. I believe that with a busy extracurricular schedule, they just want some downtime in their own house. Plus, the fact is they are just closer to me than to him. When they say they don't want to go, his response is, "Yes, you do" or some other inane, conflict-avoiding response. He won't say, "You have to get in the car" or some such, and he often looks to me to convince them to go. I've stayed out of it. I don't tell the children to get in the car; I also don't encourage them to do these antics. I tell them that they have to discuss and resolve it with him.

My family is telling me that I need to do more to help my ex with the kids, but I feel like if his time with them is important, he needs to figure it out. Should I be doing more to push the kids to go?

A: You may enjoy the rejection your kids are handing to your ex, and his distress, but I agree with your family members that your pleasure at his pain is coming at the expense of the children and you should do more to ease their visitations.

Transitions are hard for children, especially the one from intact family to warring parents. They feel your home is their home and it's probably more comforting to just continue their routine there, no matter how much they may want to see their daddy. They're probably also picking up that you enjoy it when they don't want to go, so they get the reward of pleasing the parent providing their primary care.

You need to get past your anger at your ex and help the kids understand that even if you and Dad aren't living together anymore, you both love them and are always going to be their parents. You could probably use some family counseling to help you help them. For now, you need to explain to the children you know sometimes it's hard to switch houses, but their dad loves them, and going back and forth will get easier. Let them know they can talk to you about their distress—they probably are clamming up to keep you from getting upset—and that you and their father will always want to talk things through with them, even if what they have to say is upsetting. When it's time for them to visit their father, show you're excited for them by helping them pick out the clothes they will take and the stuffed animals they will bring along. You may even suggest they keep some things at their dad's to help make his place feel like home.

You will reap the rewards for years to come of making both your homes happy places for them.

ADDITIONAL READER RESPONSES

Q. Kids Want Downtime Instead of Dad: Cut back on their "busy extracurricular schedule." Having time to spend with their father is far more important than lacrosse or violin.

A: Yes, if the kids are craving downtime, that may mean they're doing too much. Having a good relationship with their father is one of the most important things that should happen during their childhoods

Q. Ex-spouse: Unless your ex is abusive, your kids will be far better off and happier in the long run if they have a good relationship with both you and your husband (aka, their DAD). And since they're still young, they don't know what to do and they're looking to you for help. Yes, it is on you to try and help with that. He's still their father and they need him. If parents have a solid relationship, the kids are better off even if the parents are divorced. Unhappy parents, parents who revel in the ex's troubles, bitter parents, angry parents, etc., married or divorced, create serious problems for kids. If you don't drop the anger, it might be you they distance themselves from one day, just as food for thought.

A: Amen!