New to the Site
Hi all,
I recently made the decision to disengage from my SD, and disengaged from SS and BPD DIL about 7 years ago. I've been reading through the forums for the last day or so, and found myself both surprised and relieved at the common threads we all seem to have.
I am 13 years younger than my DH, who was a single custodial parent after BM abandoned the marriage and kids when they were about 9 and 10. DH and I went through break-ups/break-downs from the start - almost all were fueled by issues with the kids. Over the last12 years I have experienced verbal, psychological, and on two occasions physical abuse; public humiliation, threats and stalking; attacks on my parents; theft of my things; damage to my property; stolen bank cards, money, clothing and jewelry; harassment and constant use and manipulation.
I tried to maintain a good relationship with SD, but she is unstable and untrustworthy. I began to disengage from her emotionally after several years of alternating close and distancing behaviors, the beginning of the end was about 2 years ago when my DH and I went to visit her and her unemployed, substance abusing BF (and father of her 2 children (now 3)). I spent 3 days helping her with a project while her BF screamed at me, then on the last day he had a public meltdown and DH and I walked out. He apologized but the remaining time was tense, and SD told us some very disturbing things about him. More on that later...
DH and I ended up in counseling for a time due to issues with SS and DIL, and it was helpful in terms of boundary setting, etc. But DH still had some separation issues and things have been difficult for me - especially because his financial decisions regarding the SKs have had a disasters impact on our lives and our relationship. My bottom line is my lack of trust in his judgement and loyalty when it comes to me versus his kids. And it is versus.
These kids are not my family, they are not my problem, and I am not obligated to put them first in my marriage.
I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone, and hearing your experiences and insights as I learn how to constructively separate myself from a toxic situation.
Best, WalkingWounded
Welcome! Sit back and relax.
Welcome! Sit back and relax. You'll find lots os folks with the same story right here! Hop in the Jacuzzi, grab a chocolate dipped strawberry and glass of champagne and let the bubbles tickle your noes. Sven will be by with towels and your massage appt is in 40 minnutes.
Thanks for the warm welcome!!
Thanks for the warm welcome!! I'll have a cocktail, and I'm a very big Clapton fan!!
Walking Wounded welcome, I
Walking Wounded welcome, I think you and I could sit and swap stories for hours. I have been thru much of what ou have described. It is amazing what the bio parents allow of their children and think we should to. In my case, husband had custody of his sons (5 & 7) when we met, this is 22 years later. Bio mom saw the boys 1-2 times a year, no gifts sent, no regular calls. Basically I was their mom and I raised them but like all kids who can throw tantruma and get away with it, these boys knew exactly how to lie to their dad and knew how to get his sympathy and that is not good. We went rounds. I so wish now that when the boys first lied to their dad over something I had asked him about, I would have walked away from the situation entirely.
I was always setting the limits for myself and their behavior but I wasn't supported, husband had no backbone and it lead to lots of mistrust and hard feelings on my part for my SSs and my husband. I thought any situation was workable but the more you try and the more there is never resolve the harder those bad feelings root themselves. After awhile you are walking around with little pleasure in your life, wondering what happened to the person who was so loving and giving (you).
I wish you the best.
Thank you AVR1962! What you
Thank you AVR1962!
What you say really resonates with me, especially in regards to the lack of support. The greatest damage that has been done to my relationship with DH is the fact that his passivity with his kids' aggression toward me makes me totally distrust him. I honestly don't know if my marriage will survive his kids, which is incredible considering they are adults with children of their own - I wonder sometimes why DH thinks everyone but us is entitled to a normal life?
It's funny, I really drew the line finally and today SD called him to ask me to call her because her middle child is having a health issue (it's a manipulation, that's how they always suck me back I after they go too far). I couldn't believe it, I was like "what part of I'm disengaging with your kids didn't you understand?". He responded with, "I didn't know you meant you weren't going to talk to them.". Hmmmm.... It's like Groundhog Day sometimes!
Like you, if I had seen what the future held I would never have married DH, even though I do love and care about him.
I wish you the best as well, it's exhausting fighting a war in your intimate space isn't it? It's supposed to be our sanctuary, now I crave solitude just so I can clear my head!!
WalkingWounded yes, the
WalkingWounded yes, the passivity and lack of support which you end up standing there completely dumb-founded because you cannot believe his logic really messes with one's head. I have wondered if I was crazy at time sna felt if I wasn't, I soon would be dealing what I have.
My SSs are 27 & 29 now, have been out of the house for many years but their ways are still present, the damage is still there. Eventhough husband can now see his sons more for who they are and the damage they have reaped he is still their father and can easily forgive the things that I cannot.
This past summer we had a sitaution where younger boy (lives 45 mintes away) was getting ready to celebrate his daughter's first b.day. I was working with his wife, trying make it possible for us to just pop in, didn't feel we had to be included in a party and didn't want anything changed for us. We just wanted to drop off a present and give grand daughter a big hug. They decided to change the date of the party to accomidate bio mom which there was never even a mention of her, she had to fly in, okay fine.....but don't expect us to want to be a part of this. I know my words were not kind (little menopause stuff maybe) and I told her, "hell, no," let DIL know that we have been thru way too much with husband's ex and we weren't going to be a part. I don't feel we have to. Yikes! SS started erupting like a volcano and if you think "hell no" was a poor response.....wow, he tore his dad from limb to lim, berating him. For me that was it. I have not talked to either he or his wife since that incident in Aug. Husband ws so upset for the longest time but he has slowly come around and now you can see that he has forgiven and is wanting that relationship with his son. It's over for me. If husband wants visits and he wsnts to see them I have no issue with it, I just will not be a part of it.
That's the hard part and I
That's the hard part and I completely agree with you AVR1962. DH may get hurt, mad, try to use "his" tough love approach to Sadults, but eventually he gets over it and wants relationships with them again. And they use him all over again for their own benefits and monetary gains!! But ME, I don't get over these things, time after time, again and again!! I have no emotional attachment, no respect, nothing, to these Sadults AT ALL and now, I don't want any part of them either.
I go through the same thing
I go through the same thing with DH - forgiving the SK's for totally unforgivable behavior, which is expected to a degree I guess, but then he acts like nothing happens - so once again, I am the unreasonable one holding the grudge. I asked him out of the blue the other day how he would feel if someone came into our business and started screaming at me, and calling me vile names, would he just stand there and wait until it was finished, then reach into his pocket and hand then $100 then take them out to lunch... He said, "Of course not! I would probably call the police, and at the very least tell them to leave.". Good answer, so why is it okay for his kids to do it? Even he acknowledges that kind of behavior borders on harassment... So why the disconnect?
SD has been calling me continuously in the last few days, which is ratcheting up the tension. When she called him, he passed along the message as if he had no idea what was going on, it really ticked me off. His response, "I don't want to be in the middle." Seriously?? Were does he get off?!?! I told him, you're in the middle because you're the point of common reference, none of us would be interacting if we didn't have a relationship with YOU. This is your problem, YOU care more than I do!! LOL.
Why do our DHs assume that we are as invested as they are? It's completely ridiculous for them to expect us to participate in our own abuse. None of these people will sit at my bedside when I die, name their children after me, miss me when I'm gone or even allow me to grieve HIS loss without having to go to extremes to protect myself and my possessions first - I owe them NOTHING.
This sounds TOO familiar! I
This sounds TOO familiar! I went through the same thing just before Christmas - the obnoxiuos behavior and screaming. DH has assured me SD will not come over but told HER it will be awhile. Yes, it might be awhile but I can see the day DH is going to pull a fit because I will not allow SD in the house - and I am prepared to stick to my guns. When you wrote, "Why do our DHs assume that we are as invested as they are? It's completely ridiculous for them to expect us to participate in our own abuse" it really hit me between the eyes. It just amazes me that DHs do not realize we do not see their 'little darlings' as they do and turn a blind eye to rude and hostile behavior. One of my favorite sayings is, "A little masocism never hurt anybody" but this is rediculous.
Great example to your
Great example to your husband, I will have to keep that one in mind. What really gets under my skin to is being the stepmom/second wife, eventhough bio mom only saw her sons 1-2 times a year and played eveil head games with them and told them lies when she saw them, husband was working which left me hope to raise these kids, I was the one who was questioned, criticised, all while bio parents were their to support the bad behavior. Not only did I feel nuts but the anger I have felt has been very intense.
****AGREE***** "Why do our
****AGREE*****
"Why do our DHs assume that we are as invested as they are? It's completely ridiculous for them to expect us to participate in our own abuse. None of these people will sit at my bedside when I die, name their children after me, miss me when I'm gone or even allow me to grieve HIS loss without having to go to extremes to protect myself and my possessions first - I owe them NOTHING."
I agree with foxie. Why not
I agree with foxie. Why not call the Skid and lay it all out on the line? You have nothing to lose at this point. But make sure that your DH is within earshot so Skid can't lie about about what you told her.
And when you get off the phone with her, you can tell your SO again about how you are done being nice to someone who is evil towards you.