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Does your DH, FH or BF resent you for not liking his kids?

emmalee05's picture

Submitted by emmalee05 on Wed, 10/14/2009 - 11:09am

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I am wondering this because my BF is definately starting to resent the fact that I have no bonded with him son like he'd hoped. I get along ok with SS, no fights, but there is disrespect from him to me. I in turn have disengaged and while I am polite, do not take any initiative in his parenting. I answer when he speaks to me, although when he asks permission to do anything I say ask your dad. I'm not sure what to do about my BF though. I'm sure he wishes his son and I would have taken to each other by now, but its just not happening. And to be honest, it doesn't matter to me. Yes it would be nice, but its just not worth all the frustration, humiliation, and anger. So I disengaged. I do not clean up after him. I clean the house before he gets here, then I leave the mess up to his dad. My BF gets frustrated at that though because he knows that I clean and cook when its just me and him, but whenever SS is over I don't do anything. It's actually kind of amusing to see the look on BF's face when he walks into a house full of toys, messes, spills. Then after SS goes home, BF cleans up, while I pretend not to have noticed any of it went on. Anyways does anyone have any other coping strategies for this?
Thanks!

melis070179's picture

Submitted by melis070179 on Wed, 10/14/2009 - 11:19am

Did you disengage because your BF doesnt back you up when it comes to his son? Does he let him disrespect you? Have you explained why you've disengaged? I personally don't think disengaging for any extended period of time is a good idea for the relationship between partners, but it is sometimes a necessary short term tactic.

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

emmalee05's picture

Submitted by emmalee05 on Thu, 10/15/2009 - 6:42am

my Bf is supportive of me developing a relationship with SS but it just doens't seem to click. In all the times BF is actually around and SS disrepects me, BF will say something. But usually it happens with SS and I are alone, usually I get so angry that I walk away. Then he comes looking for me asking to do something else. I will then usually tell him he has hurt my feelings. I guess I have disengaged just because I don't want to deal with SS and everything he brings along. I know that sounds bad. But I honestly can't be bothered.

Smonster's picture

Submitted by Smonster on Wed, 10/14/2009 - 7:27pm

Emmalee - this sounds EXACTLY like me - do you know me -is this a set up? Wink Is it US or THEM? I am constantly blaming myself but I just can't bring myself to spoil that child anymore than he already is. Someday real life is going to smack him in the face and it's not going to be pretty. I don't plan on sticking around or picking up the pieces when that happens either. And Melis you are right, my DH doesn't back me up and Precious disrepects me constantly. I say he's all yours, good luck. You know Precious doesn't lie - according to my DH. Yeah, okay. I pretend not to notice although I get my daily orders on what DD needs to stop or start doing. Oh you wanted coping strategies, um liquor, liquor and yea, more liquor. Biggrin I am just kidding, although wine and Maker's Mark do get me through the really rough weekends I must say. Precious is not happy unless he has friend's over, every single GD weekend and that includes school nights also. My DD's are adults and DH and I have a totally different approach to raising kids. He also feels SO SORRY for Precious because of THE DIVORCE, I'm not kidding THE DIVORCE comes up daily. WTF am I doing? Yeaaaa I am just one happy camper I'm telling ya. Wow I am on a rampage tonight, sorry. }:)

emmalee05's picture

Submitted by emmalee05 on Thu, 10/15/2009 - 7:23am

Yes that is true. I think as SMs, we think are so scared to step on people's toes especially because we do not have a solid grasp on our role in the "already made family".That's probably why we feel like we have no say, no power, and authority over the children. It just seems like we have all the responsibility of them turning out to be responsible, respectable adults but none of the good stuff of raising a child. So damn frustrating...I'm beginning to think step parenting is not for most of us...we kind of just got stuck

Totalybogus's picture

Submitted by Totalybogus on Thu, 10/15/2009 - 11:24am

I think for me, originally I would look to my DH to handle his children when they were being disrespectful because I didn't want to risk the chance that they would not want to see him anymore because of me and I didn't want to rob him of that relationship with his daughters.

I realized though in watching him try to correct this that he didn't possess the backbone to deal with them and they, being girls, were able to manipulate him. I finally had to step up and tell them that they didn't have to like me, in fact, I didn't care if they did or not, but they did have to respect me in my own home or they weren't coming anymore. This I did right in front of my husband. He and I had a discussion just prior to this and I told him that if things didn't change and his mind was always at the other house, then he might as well take all of his stuff to that house too.

He backed me.

eyes2blue68's picture

Submitted by eyes2blue68 on Fri, 10/16/2009 - 7:42am

Age doesn't change behavior. My husband and I have many disagreements on what I feel is disrespect. One of the ones that I have had to deal with was a SD inviting herself over with her baby while her husband was at work on weekends. She was bored. SD would ask DH every weekend and I finally "lost it" and her visits are now limited to coming over once a month. She'd want to get on my PC since she didn't have Internet to play on Facebook and Myspace leaving DH and I to chase after her baby. Now she has to bring her husband with her so we are not responsible for the actions of their child. My home isn't babyproofed anymore and I can't have a relaxing visit if I'm constantly having to get up from my seat to tell a child "no."

Trust me when I say I hate confrontation. Each of the 6 stepchildren all have different personalities and I don't think we'll ever be the Leave It To Beaver blended family. I'm in therapy to deal with a lot of my step issues. When the children start pestering me for money, favors, etc. I block them from being able to call my cell phone so it pulls all the responsibility on DH to deal with them. I married my husband, not his children and even at their ages, they still ask us for money when they have families of their own yet some don't want to work. Hmmm...

Me (41). DH (53). Married since May 2007. DS (9) from my 1st marriage where that husband is deceased. I have 6 grown stepchildren who do not live with us: SD (32), SS (29), SS (29), SD (26), SD (22) and SS (18). DH has been married twice before me.

Angel72's picture

Submitted by Angel72 on Fri, 10/16/2009 - 8:39am

Emalee, the problem is that your bf expects you to step in the mother role...he has to realize you are not the mother, you will not be loved as his mother is. The child will resent you more if you demand this role and resent his dad for encouraging it.
Sorry, but my dh doesnt expect it from me, and yes he is disappointed because i've stepped back but i dont place myself in a situation that will make me feel used and abused. I do it to protect myself and i find the kids like my distance. They do like me because i've told them i will never replace their mom and i'm not their mother. Plus kids will feel inthe middle due to loyality issues.
I always leave their messes to him, its his kids and i'm not the maid and i made it very clear when we were dating that i'm not a bank, a maid or anyone babysitter.
If he resents it, its because he is the one with the problem , not you.
My dh did resent it at the beginning and now hes ok...he even resented the fact i didn't pay CS. I said WWWOOOHOOOOW buddy, i didn't F your ex to make those kids, I didn't divorce your wife to pay CS. That is the law, if youdidn't wnt to pay, then you shouldn't have divorced, sucked up the issues with her, goen to more family couciling or just nod and shut up and let her take the reigns and be miseralbe,without paying CS ...
Can you believe that?! resentment because i had 1000 bucks extra in my pocket.....i dont smoke or drink or pay CS...damn right i'll have extra cash! Its mind to do as i please and i told him, you resent it, fine...but i'll leave....so make up your mind and deal with your emotions and keep them in check.