I was in the beginning stages of disengaging when a counselor reminded that I was 100% married to my husband and there for I was 100% the parent to my SS as well, saying that if I didn't step up and be there no matter how hard it is or how bad it made me feel at times, that it would be worst if my husband I ended in divorce, and said that was exactly what would happen.If wasn't there for him or for his son, would be a fast way to ruin my marriage. It's hard I know, I have been A step parent since I was 22, SS's mom is a total bag of crazy and I have had her crap thrown at me from all sides, It's hard and alot of times I want to just disengage, and let bio mom do what she wants with SS and keep our kids and family away from it as much as possiable. But really what happens to my SS happens to my husband and it trickles down, when SS is hurting, so is my husband. It only makes it harder for all parties envolved if I just disengage, it leaves my husband feeling like he is fighting this battle by himself, and SS feeling less important to me, than my bio children. Just food for thought.

This is the biggest thing I have learned about disengaging. You are not disegaging just to be a b*tch. There is a reason you are disengaging. Your stepchildren are not the way they are just because of one parent. One parent may be the reason they have the attitude they do - but it is the other parents responsibility to correct that behavior - it works both ways. If your SO has an issue with it - you need to explain to them that if they would have or will correct and an issue and let it be know - maybe you will be involved once again. I think that is a big issue I know I have with FH. Not all of the blame for disengaging should be pushed on you!

Sometimes I feel like we are damned if we do and damned if we dont! When my DH and I got together I just assumed it would be both of us raising OUR children....his and mine together. Our house would be ours. This is not always the case and sometimes we have to find someway of gaining some sanity.

In our home when DH wants us all to do things has one big happy family we (my BD and I) are expected to go along. However we should understand our place when SD is present. She is the center of the universe and we need to take a back seat. Sometimes it is so bad he and I dont have conversation on these outings, you would never know that we where even together as he completely ignores us. Even to the point of when we have been in crouds we get seperated because he has SD by the hand and they just go. Now I guess this is the Mom in me but when we are all out in a group I am always watching out to make sure we are all together and no one gets seperated.
In the beginning my way of dealing with it was just to ignore this behavior and my BD and I would enjoy each others company. So when I did this it was wrong.....he became upset that her and I were not engaging in the activity with them. I pointed out the numerous times that we had been left in crouds and had to either search for them or text to find one another. I also pointed out that if my BD spoke or tried to be a part of the conversation he got aggrivated. The many times I tried to walk beside him and hold his hand and he pulled away. He really got angry and turned things around and said I did not want him spending any quality time with his daughter. So for now I disengage when it comes to outings that I know will be this way. I let him and SD go on their own so they can have quality time and I have no problem with that. However to him he feels as if I dont want to spend time with him?????

So damned if I engage....Damned if I disengage.

I think that of you are going to disengage it is for the purpose of your dh seeing the light. I know that when I did it it was to get dh's attention and it worked. I also believe that if it doesn't work then the guy is more into his kids then his wife and may always be that way. Which at that point you should question why you are in that relationship.

If disengaging is going to ruin your marriage then in my opinion there wasn't one as again in my opinion it is just a tool for your guy to see that he is pushing all his responsibility on to someone else.

I disingaged then recently I have made DH tell them skids some ground rules...not many but due to these few rules...they dont come ova hardly eva these days....yay.

I dont cook the meals for sitting around the table to play happy family...if skids are coming over ...I have to get DH to purchase and cook for them as I just get way too upset when they dont eat them, or say its horrible Dad I cant eat it...im sorry. (fricken little shits) If my DH wants his horrible skids ova...he can cook for them....Ill just cook for me and him. Mind you, I am known for my cooking and all my Bio Kids friends used to come ova every time around dinner in the hope there was some left ova....I only use fresh vegetables, rice, fresh herbs, and salads fresh meat and fresh fish...but apparently BM told her grossly overweight disgusting looking kids to not eat my food; as its bad.

wot eva...Ill just use that one wen we take you to court next for not providing the correct nutrition for your children....

easier to just disingage...saves the fights...yes Ill sit in my room and watch a movie....ALL WEEKEND ...than get the insults and wish you were dead looks from the horrors.

All the experiences I have seen with disengaging that has been described has resulted in a relationship with a DH that I do not want personally for myself. IMHO, after you are married, you are a team. Your lives are one and the same. You cannot separate any part of his life without it affecting you and vice-versa. There are times when you will take the lead, there are times when he will take the lead, but you always need to be a part of and support to each other.

We have my 3DS and SD10 living with us full-time. I could not imagine cooking dinner for myself, DH, my 3DS, and having DH come home to cook dinner for just SD10. I could not imagine driving all 3DS to school and letting my SD10 walk herself there or having DH take off of work to drop her off/pick her up from school. Ridiculous. Should I wave to them while we are both driving to the same location? The bottom line is that there are rules in our household. It is up to the adults to enforce those. My DH takes the lead in enforcing rules with SD and I take the lead in enforcing rules with my 3DS. We both support the other. If we have a problem in the house, then as the adults who are in charge, we work on them together and then attack it as a team united.

It seems that most problems in which disengaging is used as a solution is where one parent does not agree with the other. I believe this is a problem between the couple and not a problem with the children. The couple is not united and therefore there are different messages sent to the children. Usually, if you solve the couple's problem, everything else falls in to place (albeit with time and work).

Work on things with your FH, decide together how things should be in your house, support each other and hold each other accountable. Go to counseling for the two of you if you need to. You can't build a strong house without a solid foundation.

Well - I have been disengaged for 8 years, and it has not affected my relationship with my DH adversely. In fact we got married 2 years ago, and if anything it has helped it because I am not resentful all the time because of trying to co-parent my SDs and getting rebuffed. We have discussed the difficulties together - and I won't deny there are drawbacks to disengaging - but all I can say is that it was the right choice for me and it has made things more stable in our household.

All the experiences I have had with my biological kids and in discussion with parents all over the world suggests that Teenagers are a different breed.....Younger Children can be easily parented but once they get older - say 12 - all hell brakes loose....

Now throw in the step mother, soft Bio fathers, psycho pas BM, totally disrespectful lying teenagers and the usual way in which to parent alters leading to some of us disengaging. (mainly for the peace of the family)

I TOTALLY AGREE WITH THE IDEA OF THE FATHER SUPPORTING THE MOTHER IN ALL SHE DOES AND ALL HER RULES....But the teenagers start becoming very annoyed and then they start their rebellious disfunctional behaviour which seems to be more about them wanting attention rather than anything else....the dropping of the f bomb, the breaking of flowers, the pulling the cords out of the internet, etc etc....as said before - my skids are delinquents refussing any parenting, especially from me, therefore I am left with no other alternative but to leave it all to my DH and hopefully this keeps the peace....

NO TAKING THEM ANYWHERE UNTIL THEY START TO BEHAVE AND NO SPENDING ANY MONEY ON THEM EITHER....Is where we are at right now.

Wish my skids were not like this...

Liks, how is your DH doing with your skids? I take it that you don't get any support from the BM? (This may be an understatement.lol)

I am asking because while I have a teen of my own, my ex-dh and I are pretty good at working together with DS. He knows that he can't play us cause WE TALK and none of that "well, dad said I could" bs gets by us. Likewise, if he's grounded for a week, he's grounded whether he's at my house or at his dad's.

I have 2SDs. SD16 lives with her mom. SD10 lives with us and that BM is a wack-job. SD16 is very sweet and considerate. I have to say that DH and her mom have done a wonderful job with her, my DH is so proud. BUT, it's SD10 I'm concerned about. DH is NOT a soft bio-father. It's almost the opposite. I am usually the one who talks to him about giving SD a break or about him being too harsh with her. So far, life is pretty good within our own house but you know how you feel when it feels like "it's too good to be true"?

What can I expect?

It's not good, is it?

I think if you are going to disengage, then you disengage completely. You have nothing to do with that person. For the life of me I cannot see how anyone can expect the marriage to survive once you've done that with a minor child. With an adult child of course you can say enough is enough and release that poison from your life. But when you take that decision know it will absolutely impact negatively on your relationship.

I've done it, I'm glad idid it. But I thought about it before I did it. I was well aware that it would at best damage my marriage, at worst end it. However when i weighed up all the damage I was being caused physically, mentally and emotionally because of my husbands daughter and his failure to address it. I decided that should the marriage end, I was better off alone than living with the mental and emotional abuse. I made the right decision for me v

You cannot wipe off someone's child and not expect fallout. Even if you are a thousand percent in the right.

Sometimes you do have to do it though.