New I feel for you really I do...but one of the worst things that can happen to a step parent is happening to you right now and that is you are seeing when push comes to shove, the skid will always win out...because in the end they will always be spouses kid, and you may not always be DW...hope it works out for you...good luck!

NewWife2010, I am in the exact situation right now. Your SD and BM have over-stepped boundaries with you, you are trying to be understanding and accomidating to try and get along but they know they have the upper-hand. Your husband's reactions are just like my husband's, get wants no involvement and only wants me to forgive & forget. Like you, I have asked myself the same thing.....how is this possible? This morn my husband nad I got into this very fight except this is 21 years for me dealing with kids who ruled the home and stomped on me and an exwife that husband never attempted to stop or deal with.

I only know to disengage. What is happening is a result of husband's lack of courage to face exwife and deeal with her and his daughter. He is expecting you to take the blows but he was to stay disconnected so he doesn't have to deal with the hardships of a confrontation which still does no justice for you.

Ex thinks she has the right, SD feels she has the right because husband has not stopped them. Anything you do and say will be used against you and turned into something that it is not. What choice do you have left but to disengage entirely?

If your husband is anything like mine if you do disengage he will continually try and drag you back in and make you feel like you are not be understanding or forgiving, that the kids deserve anotehr chance, that he wants to show a united front and he's not doing anything with you.

I got sucked in by this a few months back and paying for it all over again, nothing has changed, stepsons are still very angry, nothing I do or say is right, husband still being passive. I told him this morn that I am completely disengaging from the boys and will not have anyhthing more to do with thema nd told him to not drag me back into the garbage with them.

He glared at me and walked out the door. Bad thing about this, is when I have done this in the past my husband takes it out on my 2 oldest daughter (his step daughters) and will not make contact with them at all.

If we did not have a child of our own this marriage would ahve ended long ago. I don't wan to divorce because of my husband's children as this is not fair to our daughter we share but it is real hard to deal with and I am dumb-founded that he doesn't understand.

I did this with both my stepsons (now 26 & 28)

New Wife - I don't know if this will help or make sense... You say that SD "created" the story to fit her needs. DH and I know that ploy well... BM does it here all the time, and it seems, has done it for as long as DH has known her.

What it took SD's therapist to point out to me, and to DH, and SD... is that BM creates the story to fit her needs because she is in a lot of pain (some NPD/ histrionic - you may want to check those personality disorders out). And that BM has a "lot of pain" there. I'm like "Yeah! Right!!" Ha!! Pain ... she's got pain!!

And then... well, it doesn't excuse it for me. I still get angry and frustrated. But I did do a little deeper digging into how / why BM could become the person she is. Some of it is product of her environment and some of it is genetics. And you know what? I don't like BM as a person. I don't like who she is , or who she became. I don't like that she grew up and took a path that is wrong and selfish, instead of taking the path of recognizing poor behavior and trying to change it. As SD has actually done.

For example... when BM was little, her mom used to say to her ... "I hope you throw up and die!!" This just came out recently as BM's mom is very sick, and she said told SD and I that. You could think that BM was making it up.. but knowing BM's mom... it's more than likely true. Also SD has witnessed BM's mom being very verbally abusive to just about everyone, including SD, who at 8 she called a "little b*tch" because SD burned a plastic tablecloth by mistake.

Anyway... my point is.... it's easy to get pissed off and say that your SD is creating her own reality and you shouldn't have to bow to it. I completely and fully understand that. What's harder to achieve is the understanding that your SD BELIEVES HER OWN REALITY THAT SHE HAS CREATED. That is her perception.

It's the old adage - his side, her side and the truth somewhere in between. So... you now know your side. You know SD's side. Could it be possible that years of baggage on both sides have altered each of your perceptions so that the truth could be somewhere in between?

I'm not saying to doubt yourself. I'm just saying that we all need to look at the fact that just because WE BELIEVE IT TO BE SO.. does not necessarily mean that it is exactly that way. Nothing in this world is black and white. And personally, I believe that a lot of step issues are caused by these various perceptions and the fact that each side refuses - absolutely refuses - to look at any other possibilities where they could be in the wrong.