Adult SD is trying to get me out of my 4 month marriage!!!
Hello!!
I am glad to have found this site! I am newly married to a man I love dearly and has a 22 year old only daughter that HATES me and is doing everything possible to split us up! I need some advice! Here's the story:
SD's Dad and I met and we have had a great relationship while we were away from the home. He works out-of-town and I was with him in AZ for about 8 months. We decided to get married on our way home and had talked about just "us" being there. We called everyone right after and that is when all hell broke loose with the SD. She was sooooo mad that we didn't include her in the ceremony and ever since we got home, she calls "Daddy" for everything. She has a baby and she lives with her BF. They make a ton of money but it doesn't stop her from calling and asking for money from us. WE DON'T HAVE IT!! Period. However, her Dad gives her whatever she wants...no matter what it takes to get it. She had her car repo'd and called me asking to borrow the money to pay to get it out. When I asked when she would pay me back, she said NEVER!! I said no! Her Dad said that we would give it to her if we had it!! NO! She is an adult and needs to pay it back. The BF got a loan and they complain how "broke" they are now. THEY AREN'T!!
She started accusing me of talking bad about her Dad in May. She texted me and said she "heard" me talking bad about her Dad at a BBQ we had and NOTHING was ever said negative about him! My friend and I were discussing HER ex and NOT SD's Dad. She confronted me and I told her she was wrong. She never admitted that she created the drama, just got more and more nasty with me. I interviewed for a job that would have required me to move closer to the office and her response to me when we told her was "My Dad is a Sumner guy, he would never move away because I am down here." I let her know that she doesn't make decisions for US, we are married and that if I did get the job, we would be moving! Oh...it doesn't stop there.
We have had some "issues" when discussing her and when I tell him about the nasty comments, etc that she does, he says "let it roll off...that's just her." Well, I am NOT going to be disrespected by her, her BF or enable her anymore.
The final straw was July 4th. I found out that her Dad was discussing an arguement he and I had with her! I lost it and called her. We ended up yelling at each other, calling each other names and my husband kicking me out of the house and not talking to me for a week. I was crushed. I tried to talk to her and apologized 3 times with no response. Hubby and I have since reconnected, but it's touchy and she has totally kicked me out of her life. Deleted FB connection, threatened me with a restaining order if I try to talk to her and has called me a "crazy psycho B....." to her family and my husband's friends. I have let it go and we are not in a good spot with our relationship due to this.
He is working out of town again and could really care a less about talking to me or making effort with me when he is home on alternate weekends. He now comes home, we go out with his friends..never alone, then he plays golf and heads to daughter's house without me and is gone for hours on end. I don't get any attention or affection.
Not sure what to do or how to approach it! I am at a loss and so sad and confused!! Why am I not being heard? Why is she so great and I get nothing? He has made me the bad guy and I can't get through to him.
Thanks ahead of time!!
From the SD's side, I could
From the SD's side, I could see how she would be upset about not being included in the ceremony (if what you are you saying is that she didn't know you got married until afterwards -thats how this read to me). I can also see how she might think you were crazy for calling her (instead of talking to your husband) about his discussing your argument with her.
That said, I can also see how aggravating it would be to continuously lend money to anyone, whether they need it or not, especially if you don't even like them. A lot of couples are broken up over money issues, and theres a reason for that.
From there, wrongs on both sides, things seem to have escalated to what I would call the point of no return-your husband kicking you out of the house. Marriage, in my opinion, makes two people one, and removing a partner from a house sounds like something that maybe a BF or GF could do, but not someone who has vowed to stick by you and cherish you forever. It would be one thing if you had agreed to a separation, bur 'kicked out' are the words in this post that bothered me the most. Seeing this bond broken would put me in such a nerve-wracked state wondering when he would make another unilateral decision, and I don't think that I would be able to recover the trust necessary to continue in that relationship.
My BF made a lot of big decisions without me (telling his sister she could move in, etc.) that this is the reason I opposed us getting married.
We told her that we weren't
We told her that we weren't going to have a ceremony and that we would be going somewhere to get married and no one would be included. Everyone was happy but her.
I did talk to her Dad first about what the deal was and he told me he DIDN'T discuss our issues with her. That was a lie. She was the one that told me he discussed our issues with her. She ran with it to break us up. She has been nasty way before the call and she has never liked anyone her father has been with. I'm not the first one to deal with it.
We don't have the money to lend or give to her and her BF. She "borrows" from her Dad and I and we never get any of it back. I have done more than enough and bought her baby furniture, clothes, dinners, lunches and never have gotten one thank you.
There is an errie bond with him and her. I believe that her BF should be the one to pay for her additional needs and we need to be supportive, but not enabling. She turns to her father before the boyfriend and father of her baby. That guy makes great money and we shouldn't be footing the bill for their lifestyle! They can more than afford it.
I am at my end and my heart is broken that I am being treated the way I am. I love him and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this work. Both of them need to step up and make changes like I have.
Thank you Maux!!! You give
Thank you Maux!!! You give me hope! I have pointed things out and now that he is out of town and she threatened me with a restaining order if I tried to contact her or her BF again, he is starting to see the light. I have stopped talking about them and the ball is now in their court to step up. I don't see things getting better yet and I won't stick around if I get treated the same over and over!
What is the adult spousal thing? Interesting!
My husband was single for 9
My husband was single for 9 years and I just found out that EVERY woman he dated until me...and now me included, the SD has run off. His last ex GF was ripped apart and now SD lives 3 blocks from her. She decided to "re-friend" the ex-GF since we got into it. She took a walk past her house last week, "ran into her" and the SD, boyfriend and baby had dinner with her last weekend! I know that upset my husband because she had dinner with her and not us.
His ex wife does the same thing and her new boyfriend is now living in another state because the SD has made it so hard for them. SD told her real Mom that she couldn't move with the new boyfriend because Mom needed to stay home and help take care of her new grand baby!! WHAT???? We all told her to GO! MOVE! Be happy with your life! SD is an adult now! You deserve it! We all do!
I really don't see anything changing. I think I have to consider walking away from the whole thing because he doesn't give a rip about me and now it's all about her.
I would have never gotten married again if I knew any of this would be going on.
Thank you steperg!! I do
Thank you steperg!! I do feel like we went from GREAT to YUK!!
Boundries have never been set for this girl...NEVER!! I can't give anymore. My give tank is empty and I need some love, respect, etc. in return.
You are right, until those boundries are set by him, we might not make it.
THANKS!!!
Do not contact SD. Consider
Do not contact SD. Consider making a new life for yourself as this situation as it stands is disrespectful to you. You really do not need this dear.
Did your SD live with her
Did your SD live with her father when growing up or with her BM? I'm guessing BM which led your hubby to guilt parent for years.. and therefore he created the monster that she is now. Hard to teach an old dog new tricks, so of course you are now the evil step mother who is asking for things to "change". I would guess that all of her life she has always been able to come to dad and get whatever she wanted.. so why would she want to change now? i have two SKids and it breaks my heart to see them "use" their father.. I know they love him, but often it seems like all they care about is what they get from him. With mine it's probably age(they are 11 and 12) no excuse for a 22 year old to act like that though! It's too bad that your husband can not see that his daughter is getting exactly what she wants by driving a wedge between you two and if you hit the high road, he better not plan on ever having another SO or wife for that matter because I'm sure the daughter will do the same thing to them... she has made it clear that SHE must be #1 and your husband has let her. Good luck, hopefully he'll see the light before it's too late!
You are all right!! I think
You are all right!! I think I need to consider if I can handle the situation the way it is. He says he loves me, wants us and says his daughter is really messed up. I feel that he is not really committed to us, just her. Someone posted about him giving her "adult spousal status" and I think that is right on. He confides in her and not me, does things for her that should be done for his wife and he turns to her first and not me.
I agree that at this point I am in a no-win situation. She owns him and I know he will side with her, she is his daughter and the princess.
I just wish he would see the light and make some boundries with her. There are none and she runs his show.
Thanks for all the good insight. I am at a loss for words as we JUST got married and I never saw this coming.
He knows that confiding in
He knows that confiding in her was the wrong thing to do. I don't think he talks to her at all about me and the boyfriend had gone on a Facebook rampage. They blocked me (I really don't care) and have taken to ripping me apart on their pages. Husband doesn't do anything and I'm done trying.
He comes home this weekend from working out of town and it will be interesting to see how it goes. The last time he was home, it was all about going out with his friends, his daughter (without me around) and himself. If it isn't different, I'm going to leave him. I can't continue this sharade and because I am the one that confronted her and her nasty ways, I'm the bad guy. I'm ok with being the bad guy. I'd rather be alone than deal with this crap!
I've so been there where you
I've so been there where you are now; in fact, I probably blogged a lot of the same stuff YOU did about 3 years ago on this site!!
Welcome!! You will find lots of support here!!
First of all, as ADULTS, you and her dad owe her NO EXPLANATION as to your wedding plans. You do not need her "permission" nor her blessing.
Secondly, the ONLY WAY you will survive this is if you simply DETACH from her. Period. It takes TIME, but you do not need to be hurt and put in the "middle" any more.
NWife, I did this see saw act for the first three years my H and I were married. They were 25, 24, 20 (something like that) at the time, and they did NOT want "daddy" with anyone else. Period. I'm a professional, well-respected person, but they did their best to try to make me out to be a low-life tramp. My life was HELL.
They harassed my mother, my sister. They sent me letters of what they "expected" of me as their "daddy's wife". And H, wimp as he is, just cried how he "wants everyone to get along".
One of the MANY "last straws" was when my oldest SD also threatened me with a "restraining order" then had the BALLS to invite "daddy" (and me) to a party at her house. Like, I'd really go....what, would I show up and the COPS would be there waiting for me?
More importantly, she THREATENS me, yet I'm supposed to "show up" and look like an idiot. That was about 3 years ago, and I've nothing to do with her ever since.
When I know they are coming here, I make my OWN plans with MY OWN family. Of course, H doesn't like it, but if H had put them in their PLACE right from the beginning, things wouldn't be like this.
His daughter is not your PEER. You are his WIFE; she is his CHILD. And, since she is his CHILD, she is HIS PROBLEM, not YOURS. LET HIM DEAL WITH HER, stay out of it. NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO OR SAY, she will distort it to make YOU the bad guy.
My SDs NOW want to have a "relationship" with me. Why? Because I commanded RESPECT from them and stop putting up with their SH$T, and so must you. I will have a relationship with THEM when I'm damned good and ready, and now is not the time. I have my own stuff going on with my own family. When I feel they are WORTHY of my time and attention, they will get it.
STAY STRONG. Your marriage CAN survive this, but you cannot try to "win" this witch over. Keep busy with your OWN life and you'll see how quickly you'll take her power away.
Hugs!!
Kitty Kat!!!! Holy Cow!!!
Kitty Kat!!!! Holy Cow!!! I'm so amazed at how similar these situations are! I am at the end of my rope and I have NOT contacted her or feed into her B.S. She and her BF have taken to Facebook and actually put themselves in a nasty light. They posted nasty things on their pages and blocked me from seeing it?? LOL!! I laugh that they are that immature. My power is on the return!!!
I am done trying with her and I am going on with my life. I can see Hubby struggling to let her go and be my husband. He is out of town working right now and the last time he was home, his friends and SD were the focus, not me. If that doesn't change, I'm going to have to leave. I am a strong, educated, beautiful woman and I deserve to be treated as such. I treat him like a king and SD if obviously his queen, not me. I was when we weren't living at home, but now she is the queen bee. He needs to set the boundries with her and tell her that I am his wife, not her. I don't know if that will happen, but I can cross my fingers.
I appreciate you sharing your experience with me. I love this man and I will be around until I can't take it anymore. I can't take her anymore.
Thanks a ton!!! You have given me some hope when I'm totally confused.
NW, if you have to leave,
NW, if you have to leave, then go for it, but I wouldn't give up all hope yet.
When your H sees that YOU have taken a stance, he will be forced to as well. SDs ALWAYS came first with H (and, like your H, my H was single for 10 years before he met me. The "girlies" all moved out, H had no cell phone, no answering maching, so it's not like they were "close". "Girlies" suddenly couldn't get enuf of "daddy" until he was spending time with another girl. I left, broke up with him MANY TIMES over them.)
Another thing that helped was exposing him to OTHER PEOPLE who have adult daughters and seeing that other MEN can have LIVES without their adult kids calling the shots. My H was actually EMBARASSED at their behavior many times, and that made me wonder, too....why do I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS?
I honestly don't care if I ever see any of them again. I spent so much time bending myself like a pretzel trying to "please" them, now I please me. If his "girlies" want to come here for Christmas to spend time with "daddy", I'll go with MY DAUGHTER to visit my brother or shopping.
For me, it's been a win/win. They get "daddy" time, I get MY TIME. (And, if you've followed my blogs, the funny thing is, the more I LEAVE when I know they're coming, the LESS they want to spend time with "daddy". It's only when I'm HERE that it's an issue.) It's just a sick little game with them, but I'm not playing.
Keep that SELF-ESTEEM, girl!! Don't let that NUTBRAT get to you. It's HIS LOSS if he loses you, too, and I'd make sure I'd let him know it. HUGS GALORE!!!
Thank you KittyKat!! You
Thank you KittyKat!! You rock!!
SA, you make a great point,
SA, you make a great point, which is why if NW really LOVES her hubby, she shouldn't give up just yet.....
My H, too, has become very attached to ME, more likely the CALMESS and SERENITY I bring to his life. We live well, we have great times....
His 3 provide nothing but chaos; someone is always either crying or in trouble or getting a DUI....to my H, that was NORMAL. THEN he met someone who didn't have a ton of issues (ME!!), and he likes it. When he has to face those three ALONE, he hates it. There is no "stabilizer", just never ending bitching and whining.
I know I mentioned my D's graduation party where none of his 3 girlies came. Two of them had "plans", but they COULD have come. Truth be told, H really didn't care that they weren't here. No doubt, while my family was having fun and laughing, ONE OF HIS darlings would have caused some kind of dilemma. And, after the drama they caused with my mom and sister, they were just too damned ASHAMED to show their faces here.
And, what "daddy" wants to ADMIT that his kids have issues, especially when TWO OF THEM are over 30???
I think NW's daughter is gonna shoot herself in the foot someday, make a total ASS out of herself. That's why I hope NW keeps up with her own life and lets her H see that LIFE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE SO HARD. If he chooses the dysfunction over a life of FUN with a beautiful wife, then he deserves what he gets. Eventually this man WILL SEE that his "little girl" is a manipulative ADULT and needs to get her act together and get a life of HER OWN!!!
Great post KK-!!!! It is so
Great post KK-!!!! It is so hard to believe this can happen, but it has happened to me too, w/SD19.
Yours and StepAside's should be the 'go-to' stories for people with problems with their SDs, you both explain it so well!!
Kitty Kat nailed it. I too
Kitty Kat nailed it. I too have a nightmare SD (26). I moved in with her and DH a few years ago, and she's caused nothing but conflict from day one. She refused to do cooperate with anything we asked her to do, stole and broke some of my things, and did petty things to spite me.
It was so bad that DH would leave our bedroom door open so she'd always have access to him so privacy was a joke. I felt like I was living with a roommate. We had a better life before we got married.
I put my foot down and told DH that if I didn't come first, that I was going to leave him here with his pathetic daughter and I'd tell his entire family that she destroyed our marriage (his folks think I'm wonderful and would have been livid). After hearing that, he set her straight and she now realizes that I am the woman of the house and that I will not be leaving . .but she will!
I knew DH finally got it when he recently told me that even though SD has told him she wants him to be happy, her actions towards me seem to prove otherwise.
Have a long talk with DH and if he choses her over you, then it's best to move on because you deserve the very best from your marriage and are not in competition with her. Life is too short to be unhappy. By the time he realizes what she's done, it will be far too late.
Finally, I believe in karma and his little princess will have her day. I wish you the very best.
Hi Shannon61! Thank you for
Hi Shannon61!
Thank you for the kind words and you have no idea how good it is to know that I'm not the only one going through this. I'm beside myself that he would choose her over me after 4 months of marriage. She lives with her BF and their kid and they make all this money and still ask DH for $$$. He doesn't see the issues and he just hands it over and really doesn't have it to give. I refuse to compete with her. I have totally disengaged from her and her BF and I couldn't believe how much better I feel!! I "heard" from DH's family that they are posting really nasty things about me on Facebook and I really don't care! SD and her BF blocked me from their pages and I really don't care. Go for it!! They are making jerks of themselves and I say GO FOR IT!! Regardless of what happens, I KNOW I am a great woman and I bring a ton to the table. If DH doesn't see or get it, his loss!! I have to stay strong and this weekend will show me a ton. He is out-of-town working and I asked that we have some time on Friday so we shall see....if he chooses his friends and the bar, I know where I stand. We already have a BBQ with everyone on Saturday so I deserve some time too. If he chooses SD over me? Then I'm leaving for sure. He doesn't seem to care for anyone but her. I don't get it!!
And, sometimes, you DO need
And, sometimes, you DO need to leave and take a break, letting your DH know that you're NOT into living a life of chaos for the long haul.
I STILL take periodic "breaks" when his Ds cause trouble because I want nothing to do with it. I have no intention of helping them "solve" problems when they keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. I can't "cry and feel sorry" for a 29 year old who gets a second DUI after she nearly killed someone when she got her FIRST DUI (and didn't learn).
As I stated in my response to StepAside, to my H, the "chaos" was NORMAL for him. He IS sick of it, too, but what "daddy" wants to admit to ANYONE that his kids are f'ups??? I think he was hoping that I'd just "swoop in" and save them and we'd all love each other, but that just isn't gonna happen.
He's free to find someone else who wants to save his 30 somethings!! I hope he has a great time finding her!!! (In LaLa land......)
To all of you...A BIG THANK
To all of you...A BIG THANK YOU!!!
I am not ready to go, but the disconnect my H and I are having over this is really a struggle for me. He is working out-of-town (which he loves because he runs away from ALL tough issues) and there is no loving conversations, just superficial crap and I need more. He does come home this weekend and I'm anxious to see what the "schedule" is going to be. Usually, he comes home and we have a date night. That hasn't happened since he left and this "blow up" with SD occurred. Then we end up out with his high school friends (he's 50 and still hangs out at the bars with them) and I drive him drunk, home. Saturday is more of the same, Sunday he golfs and heads to SD's house without me. He shows back up around 5pm and then we BBQ with the remainder of his family and he crashes because he is so tired from running all weekend.
He told me he's still mad about the confrontation I had with SD a month ago!! GET OVER IT!! He had just as much to do with it as my calling her out on her BS!!
Why can't he move forward? Does the SD really have that much hold over him? I have no kids so I'm asking you guys!! Sad if that's so!
She does have a HUGE hold on
She does have a HUGE hold on him and I have no idea why??? She is an adult, with a child and a live-in BF. She announced today that she has quit her job to be a "full-time mommy." Watch her work DH for money and time with the baby!! I'm not sure what to expect and this was never a problem until he shared our issues with her. Then she turned on me.
I believe he married me because he loves me and the fact I have money. He wasn't mad at her and we were ON!!!
I did ask him why he married me and he said he loves me and wanted me to "fit" into his life. I am not sure if I do anymore.
Thank you!!! I have kept
Thank you!!! I have kept everything seperate and he keep sniffing around, looking for money! I laugh and my family KNOWS what his deal is. He is not the man I thought he was and he really does try to manipulate me out of $$$. I'm way too smart for that one. He asked what I had in retirement and I gave him a number...that was it and his response was, "Wow...WE are really set!" LOL! No WE aren't...I am!!!
I have an "out" plan when I need it. I'm just not done with him yet. Still have love for the man!
He wants you to "fit into his
He wants you to "fit into his life", oh I got that too...
Translation: He wants to you THINK like he does and FIX what is obviously broken. And, I can tell you are like ME in that when I met my H, I had no real "issues", then met someone who was loaded with them....it's tough to suddenly became "empathetic" toward an ADULT child situation. What are you supposed to do, find a time machine, turn back time and "be there" when she was younger so you can be a good influence on her? YOU CAN'T.
My H and I had a conversation a few months over this. Long story short, my own D just graduated high school, she's a great kid, great athlete, going to college in a few weeks. I love my daughter to pieces. I WILL MISS HER, but I'll never be one of those "clingy" moms; I want her to SUCCEED, knowing I'm "here", but that she has her own life, too. I haven't seen my SDs in years. I DON'T MISS THEM. It's not that I "hate" them, I just have NO BOND WITH THEM. I can't just take them for an "ice cream" and talk about things. Ergo, I can't be expected to be their "friend" when I hardly know them!! I think he finally "gets" that point.
And, like you, funny how the "GOOD STUFF" doesn't come up until they actually have you MARRIED to them? If I had known HALF the stuff I did BEFORE I married my H, I would have run like hell.
Truly, I don't think your situation is "hopeless", if he sees that you have your OWN life and you DON'T NEED THIS, he will be FORCED to take a stance. And that doesn't mean he can't have a relationship with his D, it simply needs to become more PARENTAL on his part. NO MAN wants to have to tell anyone that his beautiful, successful wife BOLTED because he didn't have the 'nads to stand up and be a PARENT.
Stay positive, keep up with your own life. As soon as you let yourself become mired down in asking about her BF, etc., you are letting him know that this lifestyle of dysfunction is OK with you. Again, I'm not saying that you NEVER EVER have to have anything to do with SD, but it's OK for YOU to do it on your terms. And, anyone who has threatened you or dissed you on facebook is not worthy of your time at this point.
Having no bio kids is
Having no bio kids is something else we have in common. After I moved in, I had a difficult time understanding the "daddy-daughter" dynamics. I was ready to throw in the towel a few months as well, but I married DH because I loved him. I wasn't going to allow her to destroy my marriage. I'd also postponed my wedding and was against moving in with them from the start, but he wanted me to "bond" with his daughter . .that's a laugh!
To give you an idea of how strong the "daddy-daughter" connection can be, DH and I would go out to dinner, etc., she'd call him and ask him to pick up something for her, and of course he'd pay for it. One night we were at a friends watching a game and she texted him a comment about a player. A few weeks ago we were at a family wedding and instead of sitting at the table with her young cousins, she sat next to her dad. DH got so embarassed that he moved his chair closer to me. It's pathetic. I told DH that she needs to make friends her own age and start leading her own life. And that he's crippled her.
Talk to your DH and explain how the situation has made you feel. Try not to say anything bad about his princess (this will only cause him to resent you and push him futher away) but make him aware of your expectations as his wife. In that capacity disrespect from SD is unacceptable nor should it be tolerated. If that doesn't work, perhaps you can suggest counseling or you may have to do as I and others have done . . .threaten to leave. Again, I wish you the very best.
Shannon61!! WHOOT!! Again,
Shannon61!! WHOOT!! Again, it's good to know I'm not the only one out here dealing with this! SD announced today that she left her job to be a full-time Mommy. GREAT. I really hope DH puts his foot down and tells her she may NOT call us for money if/when she doesn't have any. Her BF is a loser that smokes pot and when he loses his job to a drug test, it's gonna suck for everyone.
He comes home this weekend and I am interested to chat with him. First, however, I want to see how I am treated and if I get any much needed attention. If not....I have to consider moving on. I refuse to be put on the back burner four months into a marriage for an SD to be on the front. I don't see this getting any better with her quitting her job.
DH did call and say that the next out-of-town job he's being put on he wants me to go with him! That is a first!! I hope he was talking the truth and not just saying it. I'm confused!!
Thanks again for all the great advice!!
Yes, keep us posted. Right
Yes, keep us posted. Right now your marriage is a sham. You can, and will, do better. I'd disengage from all of them and do my own thing. His D sounds like a nightmare and there is a pattern there. Too bad DH can't see it. Don't feel like you have lost. Feel like you have WON when you move on to a HEALTHY life. Leave DH kissing DD's ass for the rest of his life. Remember, you didn't cause it and you can't fix it!
Thanks all!!! This weekend
Thanks all!!! This weekend will be the deciding factor in a lot of the situation. Considering she just "announced" that she quit her job to be an "awesome stay-at-home Mommy" and her BF is now completely supporting her, I'm sure DH is going to get sucked into a lot more money issues. I actually laughed today when she made her announcement. I'm in a no win situation and I wouldn't have married her Dad if I could have seen this mess. The cover-up and enabling is amazing! I have never experienced this ever! It sucks and I hate it.
I'm done giving money to him. I'm done being treated like crap by both of them. I have totally disengaged from both of them and I am interested to see how the weekend will play out. He is only home Friday night to early Monday morning and the last time he was home, I was on the back burner the entire time. Everything and everyone got his time but me. I don't deserve it and I am worthy of so much more from a spouse!
I will check in over the weekend and let you all know how it's going!
Again...Thank you all for the support, kind words and information!!
YOU ALL ROCK!!
Good luck girlfriend! I feel
Good luck girlfriend!
I feel your pain - it's RIDICULOUS how these brats keep their fathers on strings like a puppet. And what's even worse is that these men LET them do it.
My SD is a lunatic - no other way to put it - a raving lunatic. But her father has allowed her to be this way for far too long. Yes he sees it - but chooses to say she's an adult now and can't be changed.
What's wrong with that statement? How did she turn into an adult with that kind of belief of being able to be a spoiled bitch to her father's wife?
Enter Daddy. I love my husband like crazy but I do NOT care very much for his daughter. At one time I did but when she wanted it to all be about her I felt myself slip away from that REAL quick. When I got put into a situation where I felt like I was competing with a jealous lover and the other woman was his grown ass daughter...that caring for her gradually slipped away.
How else are we supposed to feel? Healthy competition is GREAT - but not with your husband's adult daughter. That is SICK.
New Beginning!!! You are so
New Beginning!!! You are so right! Thank you for sharing with me.
She is going to expect DH to "fix" any monetary issue that comes up that she and BF won't fix on their own. BF makes good money and if he allowed her to stay home, then I pray that DH tells them that they are on their own...I don't see it happening and I am DONE because I KNOW that the thousands of dollars that I have given him to "fix" his own financial mess went to her!!
The competition is brutal and I refuse to play anymore. I have totally disengaged from both of them and like I said above, this weekend will tell me everything I need to know!!
I hear the same thing from my hubby about SD...it's funny (not funny ha ha, but funny wow!) to read your post. My family feels their relationship is very SICK!! Even his own sister says it's wrong but won't approach him on it. They all enable the SD. I am the only one that calls her on the BS. Therefore, I am the bad guy.
4 months into my marriage and I'm thinking of leaving?? I would have NEVER thought it would have come to this!!
NewWife, I just want to share
NewWife, I just want to share one other snippet with you....
Last fall, my H and I went away on a long need 3-day weekend. Doesn't MSD (29 at the time) get DUI #2 when we were gone? We get back, she calls him crying, he's crying, yada yada "So many people drive drunk, why did they have to get HER?"
Well, dumbass, MAYBE because she trashed her vehicle (luckily no one was with her this time; her first DUI she left the scene of the accident where someone was injured). Yeah, so I'm gonna cry and say "poor her".
Well, typical displacement. His other two Ds chimed in that MAYBE if "daddy" had been HERE their sister wouldn't have gotten the DUI. WTF? He's supposed to STAY HOME "just in case" his 30-year old daughter MIGHT be drunk? No one else can give her a ride?
I just STAY OUT OF IT anymore. He yelled at me for not being more "compassionate" toward his D and her situation....I DARED him to go to WORK and tell his co-workers what happened. They would've told him she needs serious HELP. (For all I know, she's in prison. Not my problem....you won't see me showing up with cookies telling her that the system is "picking on her")
You're supposed to be a NEWLYWED. This is supposed to be all about YOU and HIM. I really think this is gonna backfire on HIM if you take off. Especially since she drove off every other woman he's ever been with.
Ironically, he and I are going away this weekend. I almost can't WAIT to see what "dilemma" occurs when we are gone.....not my problem; I have my own career, my own D to get ready for college. Hope he has FUN dealing with it.
Hugs, hun!! You will come out of this FINE, either way.
There is no more money coming
There is no more money coming from me and I promise I will check in HERE with you all because I have NO ONE here!! My family is all about me bailing, they are behind me, but I have no friends in the area I live. I am a strong, independent woman and I will leave if things get ugly. I don't put up with anything these days!!!
Update: He just found out that SD quit her job and is staying home to be the "awesome Mommy" that she is...FYI: her 9 month old just got out of the hospital with a kidney infection from lack of fluids!! She is an MA in a pediatric office!!! Now I don't have kids, but WHY/HOW would she not know to hydrate the kid? NOT MY PROBLEM!!
Anyway, he told me and I said "good for her" and that was it. He said to me, "she and BF are on their own...don't come knocking for money or anything else, I'm done." Not sure I can believe that one, but it sure sounded good!
Again, thanks to you all for the support, kind words and information. It's really good to know I'm not alone in this battle!!! I promise to check in this weekend!! It's only Wednesday!!! I'm sure more drama will unfold in the next few days!!!
Please let us know how the
Please let us know how the weekend turned out. Hopefully DH has come to his senses and realize what he stands to lose. It's not too late to patch things up!
Ok!!! Here's what happened
Ok!!! Here's what happened this weekend:
He came home Friday night and we went to dinner. He informed me I needed to give him a percentage of my income (when I get a job and I'm interviewing this week for a fantastic opportunity that would help us out a million times over) and he said SD has made it clear that she wants NOTHING to do with me ever again. I'm fine with that but my husband said that if we don't get along, I'm out...he is choosing her...oh well.... needless to say, the evening didn't end on a good note and we fought and it got ugly.
Saturday AM he is all nicey nice and suggests we goto the local Saturday market and check it out. The whole time we are there he keeps saying how he hoped we'd run into SD!! Are you kidding me? I never said a word and then he dropped me off at home and went over to her place for 3 hours. He came home, wanting sex and then wanted us to go out with friends of his. I blew him off and we went out. He got drunk and I got him home and he passed out. This morning he was all, "wasn't last night a great change of pace and fun?" OH YEA!! SO FUN!!
He went and got the grand baby and SD said they would be out for the BBQ dinner he was making for her. She called an hour later saying they weren't coming because of me and that when they come out to get the baby, I can stay in the house!! I laughed and was like OK, I see what this is about. Now he is in paying bills and not talking to me. I am DONE!! I can't do this and it's not fair to me. I love him, we ended up on a decent note, but the BS this weekend surrounding SD and him are too much.
What is your take on this?? EVERYONE!! Please give me some advice!!
Sorry I didn't get back to
Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, I was actually out of town with my H (no drama from the SDs!! YAY!!)
I think you really need to step out of the picture for as long as it takes. I would be REALLY shocked if he wants to spend the "rest of his life", his "golden years" hanging out with his DAUGHTER and HER BF. But, as long as you are "there" when he needs you, he's gonna think YOU agree with this arrangement.
If he's asking you to go see friends with him, etc., he is in NO WAY ready to let you go. So, do it for him. LET HIM GO. (And, I went thru this early in my relationship with my H, too). Let him know LIFE WITHOUT YOU. IF he wants you BACK (which I predict he will) THEN YOU OUTLINE THE NEW RULES.
And, among them of course is that you will NOT DENY him spending time with his daughter, but YOU are not ready to play "buddies" with her since she was so disrespectful to you.
I would strongly urge you to KEEP YOUR DISTANCE from him. No texting, to phone calls, no "dates", etc. until he is ready to make you NUMBER ONE. NO EXCEPTIONS. Again, in NO WAY are you saying he can't see his daughter. But, YOU should not have to be subjected to her immaturity and he should support you on that.
As I said, I broke up with my H SEVERAL times in the beginning. It TAKES TIME, NW, but I think he will come around. I just don't think he knows HOW TO DO THIS RIGHT and, as long as you ARE still there, he's gonna keep pushing and pushing to have it his way.
Keep us posted!
Glad to hear you were able to
Glad to hear you were able to have some time with your H and no drama!! Congrats!!
It's easy to keep the distance, he's back on the road for his job in CA and he probably won't be home for at least a month now.
I am NOT contacting him and he said that if I don't get the job I am interviewing for on Wednesday, that he wants me to fly to Reno and accompany him to Chicago for the next job. I am torn as to whether or not I want to go.
We talked about the situation with SD and her BF. The BF really disrespected my H when he went over to their house to get his grandbaby. H was pissed and he is upset about how they are acting. I am NOT engaging in any talk, drama or even making any effort with her at any time. He does see that she and BF are acting like idiots and she is creating even more drama in the family. His Mom was at our house this weekend and SD called her and screamed at her for being nice to me. SD hasn't talked to her Grandma for over 2 weeks. Last night when H asked SD if Grandma could bring the baby to her she said, "no, we will come out and you can bring the baby and her stuff out to the car WITHOUT your wife." I laughed! His Mom was hurt and left before they showed up. She wants her Dad to choose between me and her and he is seeing that I'm not the bad guy here. SD's BF is a complete jerk and H now isn't thrilled about him either.
I think there is hope, but it's going to take some time. I am distancing myself from him too. He goes out of town to work and runs away from all of this. I get stuck dealing with it and I'm tired. Part of me wants to go with him to Chicago and get away from here, but another part of me just wants out.
Thanks KittyKat...you give me hope!
I'm sure she's gonna shoot
I'm sure she's gonna shoot herself in the foot and YOU will come out as the SANE ONE....
The WORST break-up we had was when we were together about 1 1/2 yrs and were ENGAGED which had the three "girlies" really pissed. Well, my H (then fiance) wanted me to spend Christmas Eve with his family. So, I went and I brought my two kids along (they were 13 and 20 at the time).
Lo and behold, all kinds of acting out. Well, doesn't MSD (then about 26?) bring this HUGE DOG she just got to H's mother's tiny house. Of course, it was on no leash, just running around jumping on everyone, and I was SEETHING. My H sat there and said nothing.
As if fate would have it otherwise, the dog jumped up and nipped my daughter (13) on the ear. I ended up in the ER and he continued the festivities (and went to midnight mass, no less) with the "girlies". Didn't even bother to call to see if I was OK, if my D was OK (it was really nothing major, but at the suggestion of H's SIL at the time, she thought it was a good idea just to get it checked. She was also pissed that the dog was running around....kind of like his Ds, no discipline, no class...)
My family was pissed, HOW COULD YOUR FIANCE leave you to go to the ER by YOURSELF when it was HIS D'S fault that you are there anyway. (No call from any of the Ds either. I couldn't believe that, but knowing how they are NOW, I'm not surprised...)
I met him halfway the next day (when he called as if nothing happened), gave him his ring back and told him to GET LOST. Of course, he "couldn't understand what he did wrong".
NW, he was MISERABLE without me. I didn't talk to him, deal with him, etc. I don't think his Ds thought I'd go so far as to totally dump him. I didn't talk to him again til March, and, boy, was he different. No more constant calls from the Ds, nothing. (It certainly wasn't PERFECT, but they knew they were no longer calling the shots or else I was GONE for good.)
The fact that your H DOES want you around gives you a LOT of leverage. YOU DON'T need this shit. It's obvious that you are a successful, upbeat person. I wouldn't commit to anything regarding going to visit him. Let him wait.
I PROMISE YOU, he will MISS YOU a hell of a lot more than he'll miss his D's bullcrap. That's what I think part of the problem is. These men meet GREAT WOMEN who make them HAPPY and they are TORN as to whether it's OK to enjoy life or keep solving their offsprings' neverending problems.
Keep me posted!!
Let SD have her 'Daddy'. I
Let SD have her 'Daddy'. I read somewhere that when a relationship ends it not 'the relationship' we are grieving but rather 'what could have been'. His loss girlfriend, go home where people love you.
What was that about a
What was that about a percentage of your income???!!! Can't believe no one else commented!
LizzieA!! LOL!! Yes, he said
LizzieA!! LOL!! Yes, he said that I needed to give him a percentage of my income to our "household" if I get this great job I'm interviewing for on Wednesday. I left a great job to go to Arizona with him for one of his jobs. I had put aside a large sum of money to live off of until we came home 8 months later. We weren't married yet, but serious. He asked me for money, large sums, on several occassions while we were there. I gave it to him and never saw any of it again. He tends to forget this and says, "since you moved in, you haven't contributed to the rent or utilites." My response was,"if you wanted me to pay rent/utils., then why didn't you ask? And, I have given you almost $25K so don't tell me I haven't contributed." It was ugly!! I'm done with it. IF I get this job, I'm gonna leave him. He's just broke and looking for more money from me. The issues with SD are out of my control, I have completely disengaged and I'm actually happy!! I laughed at the drama this weekend. I am way better than this and deserve so much more!
Get the fuck out of that
Get the fuck out of that relationship! :jawdrop:
I'm in shock that this man is such an asshole. Girl, you deserve better than this!
NewWife - get the heck out
NewWife - get the heck out honey.....any man that tells you he will choose his daughter over you, and is on your case for $$ is a loser.......I've been married for almost 19 years, (together for 20) with my hubby and his daughter has caused nothing but problems for the past five years. If I had known in the beginning what I know now, I would have run the other way. I got out of my second marriage after only 4 months after discovering that I had married an emotionally abusive alcoholic. After having him try to twist the tables and blame me, I cut my losses. The length of marriage should not have anything to do with it, really. Are you happy? Is he fulfilling your emotional needs?? If you can't answer yes, then you have nothing to lose by leaving. What these men fail to realize is that their attitudes towards us, their wives, when it comes to their children (primarily daughters) borders on emotional abuse. Quite frankly, I'm getting tired of it. I've taken a stand with my abusive SD and her hubby - they no longer exist for me. My SD is, of course, playing the "Grandchild" card to the hilt with her dad...a two year old and newborn. I told him I will not interfer with his relationship with his grandchildren, but after being told that 1) I am NOT to refer to myself on Facebook as Grandma and 2) I am NOT to use photos of the children on my profile (and that they will not be impressed if I don't change).............well, I've had it. After that last nasty message, I told him that they are NOT welcome in my home. He's moping about that he wants to see his grandkids. I told me - GO, .... visit with them. I think he'll find that visiting them alone is not what he thought it would be. It will be interesting to see what happens.
Good luck hon, and keep us posted...
I'm mortified at your DH's
I'm mortified at your DH's actions. The financial matter is another issue entirely and can be resolved by a discussion, but him chosing his daughter over you is completely unacceptable.
It's time to leave. Give him some space and time to miss you - minimize your contact with him and don't take that trip with him - tell him he should take his daughter instead. If you don't put your foot down now, he'll know that he can mistreat you and you'll always forgive him and take him back. There's an old saying "you teach people how to treat you." Once he misses you and wises up, you'll have leverage to lay the ground rules.
A few years ago when my DH was dragging his feet about getting married, I told him I wanted to end the relationship. He thought I was seeing a younger man because I've always dated younger men. Needless to say a few days later I picked out my ring. I wasn't dating anyone new, but he was scared to death he was going to lose me. I used his fear as leverage. It's time for you to develop a strategy as well.
Stay encouraged and don't allow this foolishness to break your spirit or steal your joy. You DH will be the loser in the end. Sooner or later he'll see his daugther for who she really is, and exactly what her intentions are. Keep us posted.
You all ROCK!! I just want
You all ROCK!! I just want you all to know that!! He went back to the out-of-town job and has made it clear that he GETS the issues with SD. He saw it first hand this weekend and I'm actually HAPPY today that he is gone and I can TOTALLY disengage from the whole mess. She is a mess and I watched DH totally beside himself and full of grief because of her. I had to laugh because he sees that she needs professional help and that's all she says about me! I did go see I counselor because I was so freaked out about her and was told it wasn't me! WOW!!
SD got caught in a ton of lies this weekend with a lot of her family members. It's sad and DH doesn't do anything. Just goes and gets the grandkid and hangs out.
I am moving on with my life when I get a job. I have an interview for an amazing position and DH is counting on that to help him out with his messed up finances. I have done enough there and his comments this weekend prove that all I'm here for is cash and sex. I am a beautiful woman that is educated, fit and from a wonderful family. It's time to move on. I do love him but he doesn't appreciate or respect me or our relationship. I am NOT going on the trip and I'm not giving him or her anymore. It's done.
Thank you for all the support!!