Maybe you could just send tampons and shampoo with them when they visit? Is that the reason they won't see their dad any more?
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“Learn by practice.” - Martha Graham

Ok whatever - there is obviously a lot we don't know about the situation, so suit yourself.! We have just had a lot of PAS in our situation and it is a shame when a child doesn't see their parent. That's all - carry on!
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“Learn by practice.” - Martha Graham

Now that we have permission to carry on.....
Has the issue with basic needs been addressed in court? Has this man decided to disown them? I do agree that children need time with both parents. Have you talked to the Step mom about this stuff?

Reading through all of your comments I can definitely feel your frustration. But I have to ask, is your problem with the SM or your ex-husband? Your initial comments showed your distaste for her but it seems like you have a problem with your ex and how he's not caring for your children.

Remember, it's not the SM responsibility to provide for your children; it's the biological parents. There may be some other issues at play that you may not be privy to in their household as to why SM isn't as involved with your children as she is with her own. This is speculation, obviously. Also, when I first read this, I couldn't understand why you would call her to purchase supplies for your girls when that's really your ex-husband's responsibility and who you should contact regarding anything pertaining to your kids.

It's sad that your girls don't have a positive, healthy relationship with their father. From your perspective, I can truly sympathize because you obviously want what's best for your kids.

Seeing what you said your ex-husband said to his girls in therapy makes me believe there is a lot more to the situation when they are in his home. It's possible that your ex is trying to maintain a unified front with his wife regarding your children and that he's making it clear to them that his relationship with her is a priority to him (as it should be) and that they both deserve respect. (Again, I'm purely speculating here more to play devil's advocate to understand the motivation behind a person's actions.) It is entirely possible, as wonderful as your girls are, that they are really struggling with the presence of the stepmother, regardless of who she is, and are acting out accordingly -- something you wouldn't hear them say to you. They could be displacing their anger or fear of losing their relationship with their father on her when really, it has nothing to do with her.

At the end of the day, communication is probably the most important factor. It might be worth having a conversation over email with your ex about why he made the statements he did regarding having the girls over.

He may very well be exactly the person you believe him to be and if that's the case, I am very sad for your kids. Wishing you the best of luck and I hope this situation has a way of working out for everyone involved.

In our situation anything that the kids need as far as clothing & toiletries we purchase. I have boys so it is easier. My oldest like to pick out his own body wash & shampoo but the youngest like sto use mine or even his little brothers foam soap. I am usually pretty good about asking if they need something, but I also rely on them to tell me they need things, as I am not a mind ready but a pretty busy mom & professional woman.

Making any young girl go w/o tampons is pretty childish, however SM could be just reacting this way because you asked & maybe there is a history or a percieved history.

I think it is hard on divorced dads because so much of their monies go to CS, insurance, daycare and then they are expected to buy things for the children & spend money on them to entertain them when they are with them. Many guys are not left with much to survive on. My husband is one of those guys. He was barely making it before we married. Our BM make a lot more $ then him & CS is not taxed. Things changed because my income comes into play. I was the one who said that BM didn;t need to provide the kids with clothing here, I started buying them. She sent left overs, I want the kids to look nice & have selection. They have as many clothes & toys at our house as hers. My skids don't feel that they are on visitation when they are here, this is their home too because we made it that way. They are just as happy here as there, they have friends over & we are finally to the point where we let them bring things we have purchased like ipods ect.. back and forth. Those are their belongings & they should be able to do what they want with them.

Extra activities is where I differ. DH's order doesn't mention them. After we were married BM started billing DH for them & he paid them ( notice this was after we married she didn't when he was single) I was okay with doing this as it was my money that paid for it until our son was born and with daycare & diapers we just couldn't do it. The extra ciricular comes out of CS like the decree states. We will buy things like supplies for the pinewood derby, or a new catchers mitt & stuff for their sports, but the fee is paid by BM. But we are usually the ones that get them fed before practice & get them run around the coutry to practices & such.

Past histories play so much into how people react with one another. Can you ask to sit down with them & have a heart to heart on how to mend the relationship? Something has happened real or percieved & if it can be sorted out & fixed it would be in the girls best interest.

Good luck!

I think its horrible that the woman didn't buy your daughter tampons for 5 days! Its an embarassing situation to be in . Heck , if i'm at work and dont have a pad , i panick! Its all hit us for godsake! I have many girls over the years ask me and i've asked too, the question: do you have an extra pad????
As the items....think of it from this perspective, if you have full custody of your daughter, maybe your ex expects you to purchase those tampons for your daughter. Your her mother and provide for her.
But from what i can see , it was not an eowe sitution. she stayed for 5 days...and you asked on top of that.
BUT, in my situ, the exwife would take advantage and try to get my dh to pay Everything! and the pad issue becaem an issue as well in our household. He told his daughter bring tampons with you because he wont buy them.
I bought her a box but i wont buy her again. I use pads , not tampons and she can use mine when she visits (its now every 2-3 months) and if she is on her period. BUt she said she doesn't use pads, she wants tampons...Sorry but in my situ, i wont provide this because she is choosing tampons over pads. I bought her one box for now, Its lasted, ohhhh 10 months now...but she'll have to restock herself.
Am i a bitch for this? I know my dh will not buy her any. We have pads and our logic is this. She can use mine....but wont...too bad.

maybe why the bd doesnt want to by tampons is because thats generally a thing between mother and daughter.he could be embaressed about having to buy them and in any case if yor daughters are on thier period or close to they should take their own. and as nycsm said its not the sm responsibilty to provid for these girls even if it is tampons

Why on earth did the daughter not ask for them and go 5 days with using toilet paper..... that is the fault of the daughter, but on the other hand the SM should have wondered why she did not ask for them after talking with BM.

The fact of the matter is, if the daughter was on her monthly, BM should have provided her with some I mean some to take with her.

I know in my case when SS comes to visit and forgets his contacts solution, he won't say he did, but my DH will ask about it, and if does not have any we will go buy some, but leave it here so he will always have some when needed.

"Why can't we all just get along" For the Children!

With 2 other small children to deal with and your DH out of a job, you are definitely in a tough situation right now.

I think nycSM made some good points though. You admit that your ex-husband has some issues, but you don't label them both as 'evil', only the SM. As much as the SM is influencing your Ex, he is ALSO making these choices for himself, and it seems to me that HE hasn't been able to manage the transition to stepfamily-hood where there is a balance between new wife and step-child and his two daughters.

Dating and being married are 2 very different things. It's quite possible that you and your daughters could have liked any of the other gfs, but had they become wives, this same scenario may have played out. Because, at the end of the day, a new wife has more privileges than any gf.

I am apt to agree that the daughter should have spoken to her dad and step-mom about the tampons while at their house. But I can definitely see how it might be very uncomfortable for her to talk to her dad about these things, as well as how it would be uncomfortable to talk to a stepmom who is virtually a stranger. However, I can definitely see how you telling the stepmom what to do/buy might seem like stepping on her toes. The defense of "you can't tell me what to do in my house" probably went up, and you may react in the very same way if the SM told YOU what to do for your daughters in your house. In any case, I believe you should have spoken directly with your Ex about your children's needs, and he can choose to ask his wife to deal with 'girl' stuff, or he can man up and deal with the 'girl' stuff himself. As embarrassing as that might be for both dad and daughter, the daughter might very well prefer dealing with dad rather than SM.

With regard to having stuff for the kids at both houses, I certainly agree that the kids basic hygienic needs should be provided by DAD as well. But then it gets a little tricky. Dad told them to use their step-sister's shampoo, however, stepmom or step-sister may not let them especially if it was purchased by SM. Here, I believe again, that DAD is ultimately responsible for his kids and should do whatever necessary to make sure their basic needs are met. This may mean buying them separate stuff, or getting SM and step-sister to AGREE to share their stuff while your daughters are with him. Mothers should hold the dad accountable. In our home for example, the kids did not want to use the shampoo we purchased for our house (too cheap for them) and after BM discussed with DH, she decided to send shampoo with them. That happened once, and when that bottle was done the kids started using what we purchased.

With regard to CS, I think that unless the order specifically states that extra activities would be split, then these activities are included in CS. My impression is, and I could be wrong, that CS is calculated in such a way as to attempt to maintain the child's standard of living as when the parents were married. Therefore, unless otherwise specifically stated, CS would include $ for extra activities that the parents would have been able to afford. This works in theory but not in practice, since the fact of there being 2 separate households actually leaves BOTH parents with less $ left over after rent/mortgage and utility bills are paid. This is tough on parents and tough on the kids. In your agreement, however, it seems to be that the extras are to be split by both parents and since it was not addressed in court, I believe that agreement still stands.

Everyone's view point is going to be different on this including mine. My FH pays child support in 2 states. The state him & BM use to live in & the current state we all live in. He has no paycheck. His entire paychecks go to BM. I, FSM pay all the bills & buy everything for the house. I think it's the BM's responsibility to send tampons & anything the Skids need with them. It is not my responsibility to purchase these things. I have no obligation to these children at all. My FH has no money to buy anything because BM gets it all. So we've had some drama like this. I think all situations are different. But I will tell you this. Nothing more will come out of my pockets to someone elses children as long as I pay everything already. Also let me add that my FH buys only his body wash, deodorant, things he needs & keeps them in our room. I buy all the toilet paper, laundry detergent, shampoo, etc. for the entire house. My FH only buys food on the weekends the skids are there, & its not much. I feel like I'm basically supporting him & the skids when they come & I am truly fed up!!! Just something to think about.

Momof4girls, I can definitely see your side of this situation and your frustration with what is going on. This is a tough one for everyone, and your daughters should not be put in the middle.

That being said, in our state it is the responsibility of the parent receiving CS to provide the items needed when the child visits the non-custodial parent. So, technically, it is your responsibility to provide the tampons, shampoo, etc.

But I believe the SM in your situation is just being petty. We still keep ALL items SD16 needs at our house, and DH will take her to the store if she needs tampons, shampoo, etc. So it's not a problem with us.

However, maybe I am a bit of the evil stepmom you deal with? SD16 is a prima donna and has to have a certain brand of everything. So the tampons she has to have (and of course daddy buys) cost considerably more than the ones I buy. She has to have a certain brand of shampoo and conditioner that costs three times the kind I buy for myself and our two BDs. And EVERY TIME DH takes SD16 to the store they come back with unnecessary crap she just HAD to have. Then she promptly takes it to BM's house. It drives me bonkers! Why are we spending our money to accommodate her at OUR house, only to have that stuff go to the BM who's already receiving CS (plus half of all medical expenses, plus half of school costs, plus half of extracurricular activities)?

So I can see both sides of this, and maybe that will help you?

As a BM and a SM, I feel for your girls and you. This is not the way to treat any child, let alone your own (bio or step). In my situation, we have the opposite happening - we buy basic (or a little less basic, like mouth rinse or facial cleanser) stuff for the skids and they just take it to their mom's house - regularly. Tooth brushes, shampoos, tampons, you name it. We keep buying and they keep taking it over there. It doesn't take them much to understand where the stuff is coming from so they work with the system and who can blame them (we have 50/50).
But why?
Because BM spends as little alimony+CS on them as humanly possible. And we are talking about serious amount of money for CS. And in case you wonder - we pay most of "extras" and in that woman's book, EVERYTHING is extra. You get the picture.
Someone mentioned food. I walked in my kitchen to "catch" my SD17 in a moment when she was sneakingly stuffing her backpack with poptarts on her way to her mom's. How sad is that?
Just wanted to chime in. It will not help your cause, OP, but since we're here to share stories...

I haven't read all of the responses, so I'm just posting based on my own personal experience....

The way I view the tampon/shampoo issue is dependent upon how often the child visits. 50/50 or even when the visitation is a couple of times during the week and EOW but isnt quite equivalent to 50/50 - then the NCP should provide the necessities. If visitation is only EOW, then I would pack a bag just as if I were sending the child off to visit a friend or other relative.

As far as things getting modified in the CO and where that leaves the other issues, I would assume that the only thing that changes is what is brought to the table, the other issues that are currently in the CO remain valid.

It is my understanding that Extra curricular activities or anything else is included in CS UNLESS specifically stated otherwise in the CO.

___________________________________________________________________________
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

Sorry but doesn't the dad have like a dollar store/ tree close by if he wants to be such a deadbeat?

This kind of asshole reminds me EXACTLY of my own dad. A complete wealthy SOB that worked for MGM for 26 years, never gave my mom a dime of C/S. (long story.) When I called him, he never called back and would send a card two months late for my Birthday with a mere 50 dollar check inside of it? Did I really grieve when this man crashed his own plane? Hell no.

The deadbeat should buy these things. Period. (sorry, no pun was intended.)

Some Dads have $ stores but they think it's the SM's responsibility to do *hit for their kids. I feel that its not. My kids are my responsiblity, not someone elses. I think alot of times it is the Dad's fault & not the SM's.

*I know the voices in my head arn't real...But they do have some great ideas!!

Come on now ladies.... SERIOUSLY? If you knew a young girl was staying at your house and she was having her period and needed tampons, you wouldn't get them for her? OMG... REALLY??????? My SDs are here every other weekend but I'll be damned if they need to pack tampons and shampoo and conditioner. Surely to goodness I can provide that for them. You can buy Suave shampoo for 99 cents each shampoo/conditioner and if they're only here every other weekend it lasts forever. A box of tampons to get them through a few days is what? 5 bucks?

You really think this falls under not my kid, not my problem? Make DH do it? Somebody tell me what I'm missing here folks................

Really ladies? Are some of us so insecure that if BM called us and asked us to provide tampons for her daughter that we would tell her to go call the father, or make the SD ask us themselves? Are we that selfish and self-centered and inconsiderate of a mother's reaching out and a YOUNG GIRL'S need for some assistance that we can't take 5 minutes out of our so-important lives to help our husbands provide for their daughters?

Really? We are that hard line on "not my kid, not my problem". Ladies - Bash me if you want... but you should be ashamed of yourselves if you feel that way.

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

I came on this site originally to seek help regarding my own stepmom (3 years ago). And I have since then found home here. Granted I am a stepmom as well, so that helped. But I can see how an "outsider" would come here for a step parents perspective. And I think so long as they are truly here to seek ADVICE, and not just to voice a crazy BM opinion... as long as they are here to take the advice given harsh or otherwise, they can be welcomed. The occassional "why would she do this" wouldn't bother me... remember we used to have BIOMOM here... she had a lot of "hot posts" but she was here to help, and give a BM's perspective. She was one that was helpful, and gave a few of us a good shake when we needed it. Wonder what happened to her??

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~

Okay we had this problem at my house but it was flipped. They'd come visit us with nothing. And I say visit cause at that time thats all they were doing. Then grandma told me to have them some clothes at our house so they could feel more at home than like visitors. I agreed. I didnt get mad at her, I had just never thought of it. Never having kids it never crossed my mind. Fast forward to theml iving with us. Grandma would call and tell me stuff and I just got fed up. Why is she calling me from 70 miles away when this kid is here in this house and could just tell me herself. Calling me to tell me she has a rash? Really? Calling me to tell me she doesnt feel well? Really? So we all talked about it sensibly and that stuff has ceased. BUT I must say that I do try to be sensitive to the needs of this young lady. In our case its pads and she's scared/embarassed to ask for them so I just make sure to get some every time I got to the store so she always has them and never has to ask me for them. SO in that way I think that SM was wrong. She should have had SOME compassion.

Bottome line SM said she would buy the tampons when asked and she didn't follow through. In a sense she lied to you. If she felt it wasn't her obligation or daughter needs to ask herself she should have had the balls to tell you or at least hand the phone over to you daughters father.

Either way, its safe to assume that the SM you are dealing with won't help you, her step-daughters and or husband with this stuff. Wrong or right...buy the your girls tampons, shampoo, whatever basics they need while over at dads. This isn't a battle worth fighting over. I'm a BM myself and have occasionally bought basics for my kids for the other household. It's simply not worth the energy. Just knowing my kids are being taken care is enough.

Hey momof4girls, I agree that your daughters not getting the tampons are messed up, but I also thought your comment was kind of strange: the "I couldn't keep sending her with my tampons and running out myself" line. So you don't want to take on that small bit of responsibility that you're angry she didn't take on for your daughters?

Also, what the SM makes financially should really not concern you. I understand that you have "2 additional small children, daycare, and a spouse who lost his job after 13 years", but she in no way is responsible for your situation with your DH in relation to the CS and the sports thing. I'm just saying this b/c I would be angry if my SO's baby mama felt entitled to more things just because I make more money. My financials should be none of her concern, my SO's financials are her business.

With that being said, the tampon thing is ridiculous. Even though you don't want to provide them for your BD's, it doesn't mean that the SM or exH (especially) should play the same game and allow the girls to go without them....

Who besides me thinks that there is something about this story does not make any sense!!!

What SM or any parent with any brains would knowingly allow a child to go 5 days using only toilet paper in her house instead of pads or tampons! Toilet paper will be okay for only a very short period of time and would not prevent soiled clothing, sheets, bedspreads, and possibly furniture!!!! No one that I can think of would permit this to happen in their own home.

I find the child's story as related by BM to not be totally believable because I can not believe that someone would allow their home to be potentially trashed like this! The child more than likley was offered some type of product they did not like and the accusations flew..............

Ok, chiming in

I have 2 BD and 3 SD. Part of femine hygiene advice (and actually, I insist) is that they pack on their persons (purse, knapsack) sanitary supplies at all times. Teen girls are notoriously unpredictable in their periods. I'm surprised, personally, that you have not taught them this.

And, for what its worth, I believe this is a case of Parental Alienation Syndrome. O/P, you may not even be aware that you are participating in and encouraging PAS behaviour in your children.

I wonder why you would let, what so far has been described, petty bullshit be a reason for your daughters not seeing their father? Why are you asking them if they want to see him instead of insisting? Why aren't you teaching your children that no one is perfect but we have to learn to get along with authority figures no matter how much you don't like them.

You started this whole crazy scenario because YOU didn't want to run out of tampons. Easily prevented.

Fire away

We all smile in the same language

While there r a lot of nice sm's out there who provide for the kids, bottom line really is that your children are not her responsibility. They are her husband's responsibility and yours. Biodad should provide them w their own shampoo,tampons,deoderant,etc...OR they should bring the stuff w them like they would for any trip away from home. Cs should cover half of all their expenses and you are responsible for the other half of their expenses. If there isn't enough cs to pay for half of their sport costs then you either pay it or they don't do it. There are many children who can't afford sports activities. SM's income has nothing to do with your children. The cost of raising your children is your ex's problem and your problem. That is my view of this whole thing. I personally would take my DHs personal credit card and buy sd her own products for my home but it isn't my responsibility to do so if I don't want to. DH is enough of a man, a smart man, to provide the essentials for his kid without my help. **************************"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."

..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."

"If they sold clues at Walmart,I'd be first in line to get one for DH" ~the lovely Jbee~

Just so everyone is clear, I am an adult survivor of PAS by my stepmother and my DH and muself have been PASed by BM.

I look at things logically and O/P's posts, especially about the girls changing their names, is a red flag, so is describing EDH as passive yet abusive, can't say much about SM but it appears to me that the daughter was offered an option and had no reason to use toilet paper. If O/P would support DH and SM to the kids faces, and deal with the problems directly with EDH things might go better and the kids wouldn't have incentive to work parents against each other.

We all smile in the same language

Hell, we have fsd's own toothbrushes...toothpaste...their own "special" toothpaste and crayon flossers...their own towels...and their own wardrobes...EVERYTHING...they don't need to bring anything...we provide everything for them to make it feel like they are at their 2nd home...asking a dad or even SM for tampons at the age of 12 or 13 can be pretty embarrassing for a kid I think...I don't understand why they couldn't provide those things? I would never have a problem with something like that...

"It's not like i'm made of money and i provide for them at my house as well. He makes 3 times what i make and his wife makes 3 times what i make."

and I read this too...just remember - it is NOT the BM's responsibility to do all we do...we don't have to do the things we do - but obviously we do care. It is your ex's responsiblity to take this out of his pocket - I don't see a problem with sending things though...

Our house runs according to everyone's needs. I am step Mom to two boys and a girl. We have full custody of all three, when they were visiting with us all their needs were met, it was not always to their 'liking' though but NEEDS were met, rather than just WANTS. I can understand that a girl might complain because it was not a particular brand, actually when there's such melodrama about a brand then I believe all parties deserve what they get! I am sorry that your girls felt they could not ask their Dad for what they needed, it's really not the place of the step Mom to 'parent' your kids unless it's a natural course of events accepted by everyone. I imagine that you know the cycles of your girls, on that premise then it makes sense to ensure that they have what they need at that point in time. Men often do not consider these things with kids! Maybe the girls have do a bit of 'step momma drama' going on and are looking for excuses to pick a fight? I am not trying to be mean with your girls, merely pointing out that these things do happen and if it were not the tampons then they might have looked for something else to point out?? I am a Mother of three, step Mom to three and, I love every one of them but I'd put nothing past a child!! If they do not like this lady then they may choose to pick fights? Who better to get onside than MOM??

I can understand where BM is coming from, and I am siding with her on this one... of course, without knowing all of the circumstances. The girls are embarrassed to ask their dad about tampons, which to me is totally understandable because I was that girl when I started puberty and for me that would have been mortifying. And we can all see WHY, look at how dad reacted when BM asked him about buying the girls tampons... basically told her he wouldn't deal with the "girly stuff", sorta like "ewww that's yucky" (what a jerk).

So, the girls and BM think that maybe going to SM with this, because she's a woman, would be a better idea. Sort of like, hey, you're a woman and you know how it is, the girls don't want their dad to deal with it so could you maybe grab a box of tampons for him? As a SM and a BM, I see nothing wrong with this. I think that a lot of people here do have a chip on their shoulder when it comes to this stuff, and I get it because I'm right there with you... but in this situation, I can see why BM handled this the way she did.

What WAS wrong, was SM agreeing to do it and not following through. Who does that? And make the girls go all weekend with toilet paper unless they ask? I think they were probably a little shocked to find that there were no tampons there for them, after being told that there would be. And it sounds like the situation for them has been uncomfortable.

I am a BM and a SM. I would never, ever make my SD go without the proper toiletries while staying with me... because that's just cruel. Even if I do think her mom is an ignorant twat.

I'm sure BM will think twice before asking anything of SM ever again, because obviously she hit a nerve with her and SM thought it would be worth it to make the girls wash their hair with bar soap and go without tampons all weekend. I'm sure that if she saw it coming, she would have sucked it up and sent the stuff with them... problem was, she didn't see it coming because SM agreed to provide it!

I guess it all comes down to whether you think dad should provide the stuff at his house for weekend visits. I say yes. He shouldn't have to provide them with everything that they need, like a wardrobe. But necessities like tampons? YES! That's right up there with food and shelter.