Just need to vent....ugh!! :(
Oh Lord please help me....my DH gets my sd12 whatever she wants while she is with us, and it makes me sick!! I posted earlier this week that she was in my care for several days while DH was out of town. He gave me $200 for her care, which I spent on things she told me she "needed" -- a new bathing suit, tennis shoes, a sports bra, a One Direction DVD, a bunch of craft stuff at Hobby Lobby, etc. Ok, now that DH is back in town, he has bought her: a teeth whitening pen (say what??), nail polish, one of those teen fan magazines full of posters, which she has plastered all over her room, whatever crappy snacks and drinks she wants....now he says he is going to Best Buy to get her an I home (for her iPhone that he pays for, of course!). It's like it's Christmas time!! Basically it seems like whatever she asks Daaadddyyyy for, he gets her. I had been keeping my mouth shut until the i home thing came up. I said something about it, and now of course he is mad at me. He always makes comparisons with my bd14, who is at her dad's for summer visitation right now. My bd is a straight-A student, involved in lots of activities at school, church, etc. I do buy my daughter what she needs, but part of that is because her BF (my ex) is very tight with money. I pretty much have to pay for all the extras for my bd. Much of that revolves around her extra-curricular activities. My sd is a very average student with NO activities outside of school. I feel like my DH is always just buying her a lot of "stuff" to try and make her happy. Sd doesn't have a whole lot of friends, either. For the most part, my DH and I keep our money separate. Should I just sit back, shut up and not say a word about what he spends on sd?? I feel like she tries to take advantage of him while she's here.....asks for tons of stuff because she knows Daddy will say yes. Ugh!! Holed up in my room right now while the two of them are bonding downstairs. Ugh! Thanks for listening!!
Well, I wouldn't sit back and
Well, I wouldn't sit back and not say anything but that is me, I have a big mouth. Our money is separate but in the end, money my husband spends does affect the household eventually, one way or another.
So, I guess it just depends on your husband. Will he listen? My husband is pretty good about not overdoing it (although SD is 21 now so not so much an issue) but I just tell him the usual "she needs to learn about money, not be spoiled, you're her dad not her sugar daddy, blah, blah, blah".
My husband is very aware of his daughter's manipulation tactics (since he was married to her mother!). She actually tries it more now than when she was 12.
Does your DH realize that she is taking advantage of him and the situation? Does he realize he probably suffers from Guilty Daddy Syndrome? Does he know the monster he is creating? She's not going to get everything handed to her in the real world.
I find it makes a difference how I talk to him about it. My first reactions are usually very emotional and that doesn't usually go over too well! He gets defensive and thinks I'm attacking him and his daughter.
Once I calm down, I am able to reasonably point out why this or that should or shouldn't happen and how much more beneficial my way will be for all.
Thanks for your reply,
Thanks for your reply, hereiam. You're right....we both seem to get very emotional when it comes to this subject!! I don't think DH feels he is being taken advantage of at all. It's like he just wants to do it all for her....daddy's little girl and all that, you know! I will try to talk to him later about it, once we've calmed down. Not sure how it will go. It's just so hard, when it's only the 3 of us here at the house, not to say anything. Part of the problem for me, I think, is the fact that my bd is NOT a daddy's girl at all. I mean, they have a relationship and all, but I wouldn't call it a close one. He is former military and quite strict, definitely does not spoil her.....so, I think that makes it harder to sit back and watch my DH indulge his little princess....
If your finances are seperate
If your finances are seperate then you can just keep out of it.
Of course she takes advantage. Every kid does until the adult stops it. Or doesen't in which case you have a spoiled child. But that's not your problem is it?
Of course he spoils her because he's afraid he'll hear the most dreadful words "I don't want to see you anymore". And its a very real possibility unless he realizes that his job is to raise a functioning adult not a adoring princess who will graduate to cars and vacations instead of iphones or whatever.
Since you care about your husband go on Amazon.com and buy this:
http://www.amazon.com/Weekend-Fathers-Gerald-Silver/dp/0425087409/ref=cm...
Thanks occ...I will check out
Thanks occ...I will check out that book! And you're right, of course she takes advantage....what child doesn't want a lot of "stuff"?!?
Great idea, hope....yes, we
Great idea, hope....yes, we would need to institute the same rules for both girls. Don't have such a system in place yet, but I like it!!
It's really up to you to
It's really up to you to decide what you can live with. I did not live with my ex bf, so no bills/money together. Before he got called back to his prior place of employment he was working a job making half his normal salary. When we went out, I would pay for a lot of stuff like dinners, etc. because I knew things were tight. UNTIL... July 4th came up and he all of a sudden had money to buy his kids fireworks to blow up. Forget that they would be doing them with their grandparents' at bm's.... I have since dumped him because I got tired of being demoted every time they were in the picture, and got tired of watching him WIN at Disney parenting. It's very frustrating dealing with dads like these. Don't pitch in any money to support his habit. If he doesn't have money for something for you, don't step up. Don't pay for anything datewise. You will grow to resent him if he spends all his money on her and there isn't anything left for you.
Thanks Smartone, you are
Thanks Smartone, you are right. I don't help financially with his daughter at all! Occasionally she may eat some food that I've bought...that's about it. Yes, it's very frustrating....there are many things I would like us to save for together as a couple....mainly, a new house! I feel like the neighborhood we currently live in is going downhill. (I sold my old house after my divorce and moved into DH's house.). Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to have a roof over my head.....but my dream is that DH and I buy "our" house together. I feel like that can never happen if he's always throwing his money away on "stuff" for his daughter. Ugh....I love my DH, but all this step stuff is really hard!!