But DH was surprised to get a nice father's day card from SD. He told me that during the marriage (21 years) he never got much on father's day. But of course BM got gifts, etc on Mother's Day. So there is hope. But it will take an end to the lopsided relationship pattern.

My SD and SS were difficult, acting up incredibly after DH left the house. Can you say court, truancy, drugs, drinking, wrecked cars and pregnancy? DH, amazingly, had put up with so much from lax and lazy BM and his SD's bi-polar behavior that he gradually stepped back from being the rescuer and pocketbook. He is pretty disgusted sometimes with the kids, we moved 1000 miles away, and he usually has to call them, they still don't ask his advice in advance and get in messes. For example, recently SS cashed out his savings bonds for school and bought a truck that can't be inspected. Didn't have a mechanic look at first, which DH would have told him to do. BM didn't.

I told DH that you owe your kids honesty and good guidance as a dad, that's it. Keep speaking truth and they may act up for a while but it will sink in. You know, since the kids are adults, it's time to stop over-gifting. My oldest DD doesn't even want presents at all. that is how mature she is.

Encourage your DH to see the situation the way it is and to draw boundaries. If he can, to communicate with her about how hurtful it is when she forgot his birthday. She'll probably blow up but she needs to hear it's not all about her. These kids get parents in a trap with emotional blackmail--put up with me, take my abuse, support me or I won't love you. Toddler stage mentality. She'll never grow up as long as he allows her to walk on him.

with Lizzie. Don't give in to the "me me me" phase. When she calls before her birthday to make visiting arrangements, make sure you're busy with - whatever - on that day. Let her know that she's not the center of the universe. If you somehow "forget" about her birthday, she'll know how it feels.

JamaicanMeCrazy
LIVE LOVE LAUGH

SD18 & SD22 rarely ever get DH even a card for any occasion, but there would be hell to pay if he forgot their birthdays or SD22's wedding anniversary (which I had to remind him of this year). The only way the skids know it's DH's birthday is because we always have a family cookout. They totally ignore us on holidays and have never acknowledged DH & my anniversary - I'm sure they know when it is because we always go on vacation for our anniversary! This year it's Cancun - in 12 days! No phone, no skids, no in-laws! No worries!

On the other hand, skid's BM never gets them anything for birthdays, Christmas, etc....and they never complain.

SD is almost 19 - didn't care about Fathers day again this year. I said something about to her - she snapped at me and explained her dad that she simply forgot. Mind you - we were in the same house on that day - and she was watching TV all day long downstairs (with constant Fathers Day reminders).

Husbands Birthday - she ate cake and dinner - but couldn't squeeze out a Happy Birthday. I think it hurt me more than my Husband on these two occasions.

My 30th this year - she walked past me and mumbled a "Happy Birthday".

Anniversary? No way she would acknowledge that!!!!!

my sd never one sent or gave her father a birthday or fathers day card since I've known him ( just under 5 years)

its all about her... no one else.

My SD18 did this too. So this year we 'forgot' her gifts and acknowledgements also. If she ever dares mention it, I will explain why, but she already knows and now can see how it feels to be 'forgotten'.
_________________________________________________________
Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety.

William Shakespeare, "Antony and Cleopatra", Act 2 scene 2

I'm sure my husband is saying this exact thing right now about his rotten adult stepkids...lol.

same here. sd18 and ss16 have never ever once done anything nice for dh on father's day, birthdays, christmas, nothing. i used to buy gifts on their behalf and have them sign a card when they were younger, but no more. ss16 handed me a christmas gift list already this year, and i said "this year, we're going to spend the exact amount on you, that you spend on your dad. not me, your FATHER, who kills himself working two jobs to give you everything". his response "i dont have a job and i dont have time to make anything". i said 'well you better get on it, then". dh thinks i am being too harsh ("thats how teenagers are" and "he has school, he doesnt have time to make anything"). maybe this is the wrong approach, and not exactly the christmas spirit, but it kills me that he always has a hand out wanting things and never acknowledges a special day for his own father.

What stepaside wrote is so true! YSD made sure to call us both a couple weeks before her 22nd birthday to remind us her birthday was coming up. Then she texted a week before and again a couple days before like "I can't believe my birthday is almost here--wow!" We don't get Christmas, birthday or anniversary gifts from DH's children and I've learned not to expect them but it bugs me about the obligatory gifts. At what age with GROWN children do you draw the line and say "Gifts are a luxury on our part, not a necessity to make you happy." My husband's work hours have been cut over $300 a month and he still wants to give each child a $50 gift card to "do the right thing" even though we rarely hear from them unless they want something. I told him since I'm paying for the balance of what his work cut in pay, I'm not about to fund Christmas for his ungrateful, self-serving children. If he can give them something, great. If not, too bad. Hubby actually asked me to see if my mother could send us money for Christmas EARLY so he can take his portion and use it towards getting his 6 children those gift cards. I told him I was not going to inconvenience my mother and make her feel obligated to send a "big check" because he didn't save when I asked him to (before the work hours got cut to keep him employed mind you). I told hubby if my mom only sends us $100 as a family, that won't go far for his portion to get his kids something if you get my drift. I get so mad when hubby acts like my son gets so much more than his children. My son is 9 years old and has NO biological siblings. If I choose to take the life insurance money I got from my deceased husband and give my son a NICE Christmas, it's my call. You'd think being married 2.5 years he'd notice not all the gifts for my son were from me but from aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents and the like so it looks bigger than it is. I'm sure once my son is grown, he'll get less but I want his early years to be of good memories given he was only 6 years old when his bio dad died from an unexpected heart attack.

I do go to therapy for my issues and my therapist says "You are NOT to purchase their Christmas gifts. They are grown and it's not your responsibility." My therapist says once my hubby realizes and admits to himself the relationship with his children is one-sided and he's a parent of convenience to them, only then will we be a united front on the gift giving, visiting, etc. It's almost like hubby has 2 different families--the relationships with his children and then the one here at home with my son and I. I really don't want his children to come visit us over the holidays. I won't forbid them but I don't plan to be here during their visit even though I owned this house prior to marrying their Dad. I don't want to deal with the expectations they are having a big Christmas at our expense. We can't afford to buy for 6 grown children and 14+ grandchildren. I have no doubt after the holidays we won't hear squat from the children. Just remembering last year and the crying they did to DH and I on the phone over how some wouldn't have $$$ to put gifts under the tree for their young kids makes me want to puke. Funny how they can buy useless crap all year long and get new/new used cars then expect us to pick up the slack. I tell hubby that I married him, not his children thus I'm not obligated and my therapist agrees. Any leftover money after bills hubby has, he can spend however he wants; same for me. I just choose to spend on myself and my only child, ha ha.

Me (41). DH (53). Married since May 2007. DS (9) from my 1st marriage where that husband is deceased. I have 6 grown stepchildren who do not live with us: SD (32), SS (29), SS (29), SD (26), SD (22) and SS (19). DH has been married twice before me.

Welcome to the ADULT SD world, Janey!!

As I've said many times, the people on this site saved my life when I joined here nearly two years ago regarding my 3 adult SDs who are mental INFANTS and think that "daddy" is their personal entertainment committee, problem solver, etc. I'm just that nasty BITCH who enforces normal BOUNDARIES such as "You can't call here yelling and screaming at 10:00 at night because you can't find your car in the parking lot and "daddy" is supposed to crawl out of bed and help you FIND it."

I'm talking NOW they are 30, 29, 26. Things are BETTER now since I have simply DETACHED from the whole gamut. I USED to try to be NICE, be their "friend", include them in trips, vacations, etc. But, they don't want ME around. Hell no. Just "daddy".

After 6 years of this crap, my H knows that the next time there is a major OUTBURST OF IMMATURITY from them (yelling, screaming, another DUI arrest, calling the POLICE to report false "abuse" charges against me when I am NOT EVEN HOME), I am out the door.

And, as far as cards, etc. go, they DO acknowledge him, but I pay so little attention any more that I could care less. It goes well to preserve SANITY!!!!

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

Please, don't even get me started about the no birthday card thing. lol Read about my nightmare SD experiences under the topic "Adult stephdaughter's entitlement issues and selfish disregard".

My SD has "forgotten", or said she didn't have time, but then i see her on Facebook off and on all day, so she could at least send an e-card or something! How do you forget father's day? My DD never forgets her Stepdad. Sometimes SD calls on those days, and then goes on about herself. One year she called on DH's b-day, and then went on about her life and how her ex-bfs were mad because the dr. recommended she tell them she had an STD! Why would you tell your dad that, especially on his b-day?!!

Ok, I'm new to this forum, but from what I'm reading, my issues aren't! LOL*

DH and I have been married for 8 years, together for 11. He has two adult daughters (now 36 & 31) I have
no kids, by choice.

I won't bore you all with the history of "what is or was". Suffice it to say it's spot on with a lot of
what is in this forum...

While at the beginning of the relationship with DH things were much worse regarding his family, it has
mellowed quite a bit and decent relationships have formed. While I will probably never get a Birthday
card from either of DH's kids, I've over it. (although if I didn't send them a card and $25, I'd
be likened to Satan himself and the MIL would snide remark me into oblivion...though they aren't my kids
and I am not their mother, I am supposed to remember these things because I am the "wife". Whatever...

So, this years traumafest is due to the fact that DH's youngest daughter and her hubby filed Ch. 13 bankruptcy.
Years of poor financial decisions, self indulgent purchases and general lack of money management while still
birthing babies has left them broke. (5 total kids between them...) Both of them work and supplement
those incomes as best they can. Naturally we've been approached for large sums of money over the years, which we don't have to give, and quite frankly, I don't understand why it would be our obligation to do so. SD thinks because her Dad has credit cards, he can just cough up a couple of thousand dollars whenever she's in a pinch. Oh yeah, sure. Typical of not getting her way, the "grandkiddos" are her favorite pity party pawns to
use in just such events.

Well, I'm sure I don't need to remind anyone of the current economy. Even if folks have been lucky enough to
maintain employment and keep on an even keel, that doesn't mean that Christmas will be, or even should be status quo.

Due to a comment I made a couple of weeks ago about Christmas being "tight", there's now a huge flurry of concern by the SD. Her older sister and I had both thought maybe drawing names or doing a white elephant Christmas instead of the obligatory buy a bunch of crap might be a more sensible option this year. Oh boy...katie bar the door on that one...the email that greeted me upon my return from visiting MY family for Thanksgiving from SD is priceless.

Don't get me wrong, no yelling, cursing or carrying on, just some really well-intentioned guilt tripping/entitlement blather about what SD remembers how it was when she was a kid so she expects that tradition to continue for her own children. (so, the parents have nothing to do with this?) Sheesh, I never said I wasn't getting the grandkids anything, just not going overboard with good reason. Honestly, DH and I will not be taking up any slack due to SD's financial mistakes or that SD's in-laws are pretty much deadbeats in the family department.

"You are the only grandparents my kids have...." No, we're not. The truth is, DH and I are the only grandparents that actually babysit, keep them overnight and plan birthday parties and holidays to bring us all together. Well, ok I plan all this stuff, but at least DH makes an appearance and doesn't go MIA when the kids come over, even if they are all his his. LOL* I'm just the "stepandfetchit".

Thanks for letting me vent a bit. I feel better and can actually get something done today. Just tired of kids that want to be adults but still keep trying to crawl back in the nest.