unruly children what would you do
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Hey everyone. I have been a stepdad for about a year and the kids are rebelious and disrespectfull. they are boys and are 7 and 9. they talk back, give attitude, and have been known to tell me to shut up or to even call me names. is this common for kids their age? also what do you do to deal with it when or if it happens to you? what sort of words are given to set the child straight or what do you do to disciplin them? if they are like this at 7 years old what should i expect from them as teens? would like to know some stories and how you handled things and ideas of what the best way would be. but would really like to know what you predict they will be as teens if nothing changes. thanks.
what you do depends on their ages
and level of protest.
your right to want to nip the respect thing down now before it reallllly gets out of hand.
Most people use bribery and it works... find something they love and use it to control them and how they behave.
Got to be strong and follow through.
Long as they protest, you remove the thing they love....
that is the condensed version of how to weild parental power, although it doesn't always work, it has a good rate of success or most people would not be doing it.
examples are numerous...
find what YOUR KIDS love and control it, you control it, you control them... hopefully it gets you started. You may be able to use less bribery tactics if you get it right at the start...
sd ( almost 20) says her greatest fear is her bio father would stop taking her out ( wine and dine her)
so when she acted up and refused to be respectful, he stopped taking her out.
If they learn to control you what will happen is they will control you and keep doing it until one of you dies. Some people never earn their kids respect, never enforce boundries and they get ill mannered adult children who can be abusive and even worse.
They may end up stealing their parents life savings, try to kill them, abuse them, etc etc etc
geez i hope it never gets
geez i hope it never gets that bad but i will give your advice a try. thanks.
Similar situation
only SS8 is disrespectful to his father and other people. And that is because when he does talk back to them, call names, or tells them to shut up, they ignore it as if they never heard him say it. I on the other hand will not allow such behavior. And I have corrected it every single time it has been directed at me. Children need to be taught respect. And Ive noticed that this is about the age range it really starts to become an issue. It started out as calling other kids names and being rude to other kids. When that was never corrected, it lead to the disrespect of adults. And if those adults fail to correct the child on his behavior it will continue to happen. If you dont take care of it now, it will only get worse. The words I use? "You may get away with this behavior with (your father, your mother, your stepfather, etc.) but I will not tolerate you treating me this way. And because you (insert behavior here) you will now sit on your bed in your room with no tv and no toys for the next hour." And of course, when that hour is up, I make sure he tells me exactly why he was sent to his room. My DH has gotten better at following my lead and the behavior is slowly starting to improve. But you have to be consistant and give punishment every time they show this disrespect. And the biggest problem I have, you also have to lead by example. You cant expect them to learn that it is wrong to call names if you call other people names yourself. You cant teach them its wrong to tell people to shut up, when they see you do it too.
sounds like a good idea. i
sounds like a good idea. i have already handled the disrespect thing by sending them to their room so i guess i will continue with that. i'll also watch my own tone too. thanks.
Does their mom
let them act this way? My SS8 has started with the attitude. Always been and issue at this mom's house but not mine and dad's. That is until mom lost her job again and SS has kicked it up a notch with his mom. I feel bad for his mom's BF because she always defends SS and takes his side so I am sure he is hell on wheels there. We handled SS attitude by making rules and posting them on the wall by his room. He gets one warning and the next time he has to write all the rules 25 times. 1.) No Backtalking 2.) No arguing with parents 3.) No whining or complaining 4.) No bad attitude 5.)Do as you are told 6.) Always do your best. Underneath the rules we have the consequnces posted which is write off rules 25 times. We have also implemented chores and he has to follow the rules and do all his chores before he gets to play xbox, tv, or in general play. It has worked out very nice. SS makes his bed, cleans his room, puts away all his clean clothes, sets and clears dinner table, washed plates, sweeps floor, takes out trash, and then has bathroom cleanup every other Saturday. You and your wife need to sit down and set boundaries you both agree with and I am firm believer in kids pulling their weight and contributing to the house cause they live there too. Talk to wife and be a team about correcting their attitudes and actions. If wife is on your side and will back you it should not take long at all to get them in shape but if wife defends them and takes their side you are in for a long road. Do they see their real dad?
no she dosn't let them act
no she dosn't let them act that way but she dosn't punish them either. all she does is say, "don't talk like that." or whatever. i will discuss the writing the rules thing with my wife. and yes they see their real dad and they are usually the worst right after they come back from seeing him.
You can...
call it "incentives" or a variety of psychobabble wording but it all boils down to bribery. It's success depends on the parent as to selecting the correct form and how it's used.
If you don't clean your room, you won't get any cake for dessert...
if you talk back you will have to clean up all the dog poop in the yard....
if your good, you get to go to the mall with your friends saturday...
if you act nicely at grandmas house and don't touch anything, when we get home I'll give you 5 dollars....
my point is, it all boils down to bribery. The mistake most make with this who end up with the unruley kids is they offer too great a reward for the task.
BM buys her kids cars, 300 dollar electronic toys and dozens of games to go with it TOO OFTEN...
and she gives them far too much spending money. She also does not make them help in any way to pay for gasoline, car maintience, insurance, so she is messing up as her bribes are over the top. Guess she feels compelled to do so because she has emotional problems and feels she must win them, convince them what a good parent she is and how BF sucks and doesn't love them. She even encourages them to demand things from him and act up, scream at him if he does not do what they ask.
Bribery used correctly is effective....
some people abuse it.
that's horrible. i'm glad
that's horrible. i'm glad she dosn't find it amusing when they mouth off but on the other hand if i disciplin them for being disrespectfull she usually tells me, "they were only joking."
I am going to repeat the words
I am going to repeat the words a father made on another forum:
KIDS NEED MORE BEATINGS!
i believe that dealing with
i believe that dealing with blatent disrespect or disobediance with a spanking would be a very effective tool, however my wife thinks that it wouldn't help the kid and only make them angry, possibly drive them to criminal behavior in the future. i completely disagree with her and think that a lack of spanking would lead to more criminal behavior. i wonder if anyone has done a study on that.
Yeah, there are lots of
Yeah, there are lots of studies on it, and she's right according to the experts. Spanking may work in the moment, but it does not work with correcting future behavior and teaches them to handle disputes with hitting.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Take your hand to their bare butts!!!!!!!!!
Hand, belt, paddle or any other flat object that will make a nice popping sound, leave a sting and not cause injury.
Nothing illegal about corporal punishment.
That crap would fly in my home exactly once. My SS tried it a couple of times over the years and got his butt blistered (spanked).
It has not happened in about 7 yrs (he is now 16). We have and have always had a very close relationship. However, he knows the boundaries and the consequences and we hold him accountable for his actions.
If your are not comfortable with spanking then grab the little snot buckets by the year, give it a good twist and lead them by the ear to the nearest bathroom and let them stay there until they learn to treat you and everyone else in the household with respect.
Depending on the kid, grounding, loss of belongings or loss of privileges may work. However, for what you describe I would light their little asses up (spanking) if I was you.
I know how my own parents dealt with my brothers and I. You know what worked for you when you were growing up. Try that.
My SS is an only child in our home so we had to learn what consequences worked well for him at every stage of his childhood. Sounds like you are in the same boat.
Just my thoughts of course.
Best regards,
oh believe me i have wanted
oh believe me i have wanted to spank this kids ass more than once and think it would be a very effective tool. when i was a kid i got angry and threw some gravel, breaking a window. got my butt whipped good and guess what, for the next five or six years i didn't even think about picking up something to throw. it works, but my wife is against it.
although I believ in spanking
I feel it is only effective in very small children ( under 6). After that, witholding favorite things as punishment is far more effective ( when bribe did not work) you are forced to make them face consequences...
because thats how life works as an adult too. Don't pay your electric bill one month and find out. Failing to do what is your responsibility ( for kids, go to school, take a bath, clean your room, get off the phone) means privedges ( your bribes for good behavior) get taken away.
Also too, when spanking a kid that is older, you run the risk of them doing into defiant mode and then you have some real problems when corperal punishment fails.
I believe after about age 6, you should not spank.
In bribing, the reward must fit the situation... just as in disipline the punishment has to fit the crime and I dont think spanking has any merit in helping a older kid.
Some kids would rather have a spanking, as its fast and over quickly, rather than the tormet of missing a favorite movie or
outing. Spanking an older kid is not disipline, its an easy way out of parenting and teaching responsibility.
I would take a monthly spanking from electric company if it meant I got free electric
lol
and how about Ford, do they give spankings in leui of car payments?
lol
it gets worse then not
it gets worse then not letting me spank the kid who's disrespecting. my wife thinks that the law only allows you to put a 7 year old in their room for 7 minutes and that an hour would be cruel and too severe. i tell her that if the kid knows that they will only go to their room for a few minutes, then they know they can get away with anything and not be punished. cause we all know 7 even 15 minutes aint nothin.
Unified front
Since you aren't their biodad, a lot of the issue of respect for you comes from the signals they are getting from their mom.
What does she do when they disrespect you? Does SHE call them on it? Does she not allow them to get away with it and provide clear consequences? Does she make it very clear that you are the adults, and that no disrespect of either of you will be tolerated?
If she's not doing these things, then the kids are learning that it's okay to disrespect you. They are learning that they can treat you the way they feel like, and that Mom is more or less okay with that.
Have you and she talked about all this? Are you on the same page?
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
my wife is very clear that
my wife is very clear that they aren't to disrespect me but she never punishes them, just tells them to stop.
i'm screwed.
my wife just told me that if i ever spanked one of the kids for any reason she would kick me out of the house.
Sorry, but I agree with her.
Sorry, but I agree with her. I don't think spanking is a stepparents place, ESPECIALLY if their own parent doesn't do it. It would just turn you into the bad guy. SHE needs to be the primary disciplinarian.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
it makes sense for me not to
it makes sense for me not to spank them and that she needs to be the primary disciplinarian but the problem with that is, she refuses to punish them for anything. first off she refuses to spank them, so i suggest that they be told to write down some rules like someone mentioned, she thought that was too severe, so i suggested just sending them to their room and she gets all upset and thinks that an hour in their room is way too much. i asked her then what can we do to punish them for disrespecting? she said nothing. i asked, looks like we can't punish them at all. she said, "yeah i guess so."
Sounds like she is just
Sounds like she is just being difficult and disagreeable. Is she in a bad mood? An hour IS too long for a 7 yr old. Supposed to be 1 minute for each year of age. BUT, if that is used consistently and not working, maybe the taking away of privileges would work better. I found that is now what works better with my son, who is 5. I take away TV time or his video game or whatever it is he was doing/wants to do. The length of time its taken away depends on the severity of his behavior.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Ditto.
I would never lay a hand on my SD7, the same goes for DH with my 2 BD's, of course they're alot older, but none the less. My BD's SM has been married to my ExH for 10 years now, and not once did she raise a hand to either of them.
Forgive me, I didn't read all the other responses, but have you talked to your DW about family councelling? Or couples councelling? I haven't done it myself, but who knows, maybe it would help the two of you agree on a form of discipline, and the follw through for it as a team...
we're in the process of
we're in the process of working something out.
Okay, don't spank them. Time to get creative.
1. Grab them by the collar and back of the waste band carry them forcefully to a corner and plant their nose in it and don't let them leave until they can clearly explain why they are standing in the corner and what they will do to unsure that they will not end up back there again. Answer: Not talk back, do what they are told when they are told to do it, etc.... This one works especially well if it is a corner within ear shot of the TV and any activities in the home but where nothing is visible but the corner even if they turn their heads. Being in the corner while they can hear someone else having fun drives them nuts.
2.Put them in a chair in an empty room in your home (climate controlled of course) with nothing but a small very uncomfortable chair, a table, a pencil and a note book and have them write sentences for hours and hours and hours on end. "I will not ........" Any messy sentences and they get another hour. The sentence should clearly reference the nature of the offense so that they can think about it a bit. As they get older increase the number of sentences per hour they are expected to write and increase the amount of hours they have spend writing them. This one worked well for my SS from age ~8 - 13. And my kid has beautiful handwriting these days.
3. Cattle Prod? This is not spanking but a zap on the rump gets the point across. Just kidding of course.
Now for the real problem ......... your wife. If you are married and you share a home then you are an equity partner in the marriage and you are an equity parent. If she has a problem comprehending this one then maybe letting her know that she can move out and raise her kids without your help would provide her with clarity.
At the very least I would inform your wife that you WILL spank her little brats if they mouth off and are disrespectful and if she does not like the idea then she better step up as a parent and discipline her little turds before you have to. (I have used this line with my wife and when she finally stepped up things got much better in our household) When my SS realized that his Mom was going to be the one disciplining him he changed his behavior in a hurry. Though Mom smacking his butt did not have the same force behind it as when Dad does it, it breaks his heart that his Mommy is mad enough at him to spank her preciouse little boy.
My wife and I hammered this one out early in our marriage. The marriage is the core of the family and the kid(s) benefit(s) from it but are not adults and are subject to the rules set forth by the adults and both adults must back each other and hold the kids accountable. This is an inviolable component of the adult relationship in a blended family and is not equivocal or negotiable. IMHO.
Just my thoughts of course.
Best regards,
yes well we have figured out
yes well we have figured out that we will send them to their rooma and make them write the rules 25 times and take away priviledges also. so we have come up with something.
Awesome! My wife and I usually work it out when we
disagree on parenting issues with my Skid. I have been StepDad since he was 1yo. He will be 17 this summer.
We have not always agreed or come to a compromise but we have always made the commitment to each other that we would work on it and at least give each other a fair ear.
I am glad you worked out a compromise disciplinary methodology.
Best regards,
One minute for every year of age ..... what a load of crap!
Maybe when they are toddlers that works but when they are in a grade higher than kindergarten a minute for each year of age is a joke. The kids know it is a joke and they will play you like a cheap video game. One minute per year of age is like counting when a kid is doing something wrong. When you pull the "Don't let me get to X ...." they keep doing what they are doing until you get to THE number then do it one more time out of spite.
Accountability with real consequences works, counting and phony wussy crap non punishments do not. A single swift swat on the rump with a firm "knock it off" gets the point across. If they pull that crap some more the "look of death" (you ladies are masters of THE LOOK) followed by a snap of the fingers and point will usually work after the first rump swat.
Now, I grant that some kids never need more than THE LOOK and an a firm "Ahhh". God bless those little mutant angels. But REAL kids need REAL consequences and parents are the ones to provide it.
As parents (Bio, Step or otherwise) we are not their friends. Our job is to be their advocate, confidante, mentor and disciplinarian.
If we are not these things we are not parenting.
At least that is the way it is in Rags' world.
Best regards,
yeah i agree that one minute
yeah i agree that one minute for every year is a joke. hopefully what we have come up with will do the trick. i'd like to thank all of you for your advice. now it's time to put things into practice. wish me luck.
I don't think you will need it. Not as well as you and your
Wife appear to communicate and work together.
However, in the spirit of your request.
Good luck .......... and best regards,
this thread
only makes me realize how lucky I am in having this break with SD
as she is getting the disipline she needs to learn how to control her temper, and some time to think about if her expectations are reasonable.
I'm not in any great hopes she will come around emotionally as to what realisitc expections are since her BM doesn't have them either. Still, it is a very nice thing to not have her presence in our lives as she is.
If she will ever come around at least she will be fully aware of what will happen if she throws fits again ( they won't be tolerated and she will be banished from us ).
H has already come to the conclsuion a relationship with not be possible with her now or any time in the near future due to PAS and also the fact she has inheirited her mothers personality and temprament. I expect SD's bad choices and unrealistic expectations to extend to her life on all levels ( love life, work etc) and she will be a young woman who will have a very hard life.