Brat step daughter
I have an 18 year old step daughter who I don't get along with at all! Her dad and I have been together for 6 1/2 years, and married for 3 years. She was 12 when I met her. Her mom lives in a different state with her grandma. Her mom, in my opinion is a POS, she has only come 3 times to visit over the past 6 years. But SD loves her and wants her dad to get back together.
The grandma will send my SD tons of money, credit cards, and lavish gifts. SD only wears name brand and is very "money spoiled", grandma even bought her a brand new car and pays for the insurance, etc. I got along with SD for the first 2 years and we even hung out and did things together! Since she has been 16, our relationship has gone downhill.
She constantly asks for items or money from her dad...which she always gets. She stomps her feet or cries if she is ever reprimanded for not doing chores or something wrong in school. Which she takes out the trash 1 day a week (pathetic chore). She has never been punished from her dad and he sees her as a great kid. I, however, can't stand her. I think she is a spoiled brat, who has constant things to say about me. She said she lost her relationship with her dad when I showed up. She blames me for the fact that they don't talk that often. I drove her to school for 2 years, went to EVERY damn ball game for 4 years, school events, doctor appointments, YOU NAME IT!!
She has since moved out 3 months ago for college. She only comes over when her dad is home and not me. She hates me and has told me that she wishes I wasn't there or she'd come over more. I can't live my life with her dad not doing anything about the disrespect and shouting matches we've had. I truly can't stand this SD, she is the biggest spoiled, snotty, brat devil. I love her dad, but I wonder often....would I be happier if I didn't meet him because of my hate for her?
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Disengage. Immediately. Let
Disengage. Immediately.
Let your DH know you are disengaging. Set boundaries for your house and for 'guests' who stay there (how long, what/if they're expected to contribute or pitch in, etc.) and then let him manage everything.
I know it hurts. I have mostly disengaged after giving years of my life and thousands upon thousands of dollars to mostly ungrateful skids. Done. Learned my lesson...moving on.
Thanks, great advice! My
Thanks, great advice! My husband constatly tells me that I need to work it out with SD. He is SOOO loved by her and neither one of them could do no wrong in each others eyes...but ME, yes me, I am the one who is getting in the way. WHY? because I cared for too long or set rules? I will disengage, but I'm worried it will ruin my marriage. I havent' talked to my husband for 3 days...he texts me when I'm at work and says I'm the adult and being immature about not handling this right. UGH HELP!!!!
You're the adult, so you get
You're the adult, so you get to choose who you associate with. Full stop.
It can be tough to disengage and shatter your husband's view of a happy little family forever. He's never going to see it as something that his daughter did...that's OK. She wants to visit with him and not you...and that's OK, too. Hurtful, after all you've done...but OK.
The only one in the wrong here is your DH for trying to force two adults who don't get along to do so. For what? For him? So he can feel comfortable?
Ye olde chestnut "you're the
Ye olde chestnut "you're the adult here." :barf: or "you're jealous of my kid" or "you hate my kid" or "you need to try harder" or "he/she is just a kid" (well into skid's 30s)
I have a SS who is heading
I have a SS who is heading down that path. I haven't fully disengaged from him, but I only interact with him when he's not being a demanding baby. If he's happy and we're having fun, I engage. Otherwise, I stay out of his way.
Early on - because I knew it would not end well, if I yelled at him - I started just walking away whenever he would have a meltdown.
It's not ideal and I've had to recenter my expectations for my home, but I just try to do what I need to do to not let his behavior drive me crazy. I won't change him and his dad (my DH) is too afraid to say anything because he's afraid the kid won't come around. I have told DH that it bothers me that he doesn't parent the child, but have even stopped mentioning that, because it just causes a problem between me and DH and takes the attention away from the real problem (a SS who is emotionally immature and manipulative).
What exactly does he want you
What exactly does he want you to do? She won't come around when you are there.
She wants dh and her mom to get back together.
What exactly does he consider the mature response to this?
Simply disengage... your
Simply disengage... your husband will not like it, but it's his problem..
We get along with these girls up to a point, where we see the manipulation and playing the parents, and it's no help having a BM who's feeding them crap about the new woman. These girls thinks their fathers and mothers belong together and you are in the way of that happening..regardless if the BM moved away and re married....
here's a link on disengagement that helped me allot.
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
You are stuck in the past.
You are stuck in the past. Your SD no longer lives in your home, as she is in college and you don't see her. She visits with your husband.
What interactions are you having with SD at the moment? None.
"I can't live my life with her dad not doing anything about the disrespect and shouting matches we've had." Do you want your husband to change history? (He can't). Do you want to live someone else's life? (You can't)
If you can not get over the resentment and hurt, even with SD out of the nest, get divorced and moved on. If you can live in the present, work on your relationship with your husband and tell him you want nothing to do with SD, and you dont want to hear about her. (That is the disengagement advice.)
It remains your choice now as to how you let SD affect you.
Please don't allow your man
Please don't allow your man to tell you you're not handling the situation right. He is the one doing this - spoiling his daughter by setting no boundaries and showering her with inappropriate gifts etc. If he can make you feel guilty by getting you to think you're the one in the wrong - then he can continue on his merry co-dependent way.