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Am I the only one?

I love dogs's picture

Submitted by I love dogs on Sun, 10/01/2017 - 8:35pm

SD was over this afternoon and I made mac n cheese for her for dinner to share with DH. I made her stir the cheese in and she said "I made french toast for 'my family' and I burned myself on the pan". I said "yes, that happens to all of us, you'll just have to be more careful next time".

I ignored the "my family" part. By that she meant BM, the boyfriend, and BM's toddler. I guarantee she never refers to DH and me as "my family", probably just dad and SM. Nevermind we have done everything to make her feel at home and get as much visitation as possible.

She also calls BM and boyfriend her parents. I don't know why but it bugs the crap out of me! BM has brainwashed SD for years that they are her "family" but she has two families and two homes. I dunno it just rubs me the wrong way. DH is the one who teaches her valuable life skills and BM gets bragging rights.

SD also tells me "BM said I have to be home by 8:30". DH took her to a movie and she's going back "home" after so I said "ok, I'm sure you will be". I think she tells me these things because she assumes I'm the "boss" because BM controls the boyfriend and always has the last say. Yeah, she's a peach.

Comments

Happycamper's picture

Submitted by Happycamper on Sun, 10/01/2017 - 9:15pm

I think it's a pretty common feeling with step moms. I'm always the outsider in my house when the skids are over. They don't ever even act like I'm of worth. If they want something to drink like the vitamin drinks that I buy (DH doesn't drink them), they ask him if they can drink some. Even if he's in the garage they go looking for him to ask questions that they could ask me. It's as if I'm a visitor.

I love dogs's picture

Submitted by I love dogs on Mon, 10/02/2017 - 12:17pm

I've been using the "ask your dad" line and she's been going to dad more but usually comes to me because at mom's house, BM is the queen bee. Does your H give them permission or direct them to you?

strugglingSM's picture

Submitted by strugglingSM on Sun, 10/01/2017 - 9:23pm

My SSs are the same way. They talk about their family and their parents by which they mean BM and her husband. They've even said something about "my dad" when referring to their stepdad. When I've acted confused, sometimes because I'm legitimately consumed and others because I'm being passive aggressive, they correct themselves and say "my stepdad" or say his name.

BM has tried her hardest to make her "family" the primary family. She refers to her three sons, meaning her two sons and her stepson. Their stepdad calls them "my boys".

It bugs the hell out of me, but then I remind myself that BM is desperate and sad and has an undying need to present her life as perfect
To the outside world. When she was married to DH she had a blog all about their perfect life. I swear some of her posts were stolen from novels, sit come, or other blogs. DH also told me that they were both miserable and their marriage counselor told DH that BM was abusive to him. So, with all this in mind, she can certainly tell the kids to call her husband "dad". I suspect he may not be around forever and they aren't even legally married (they had a wedding ceremony, but never got legally married, I'm not sure why), so it wouldn't even be a struggle for him to leave. I think he'll stick around to get BM to pay for things for his son and then he'll be gone.

I love dogs's picture

Submitted by I love dogs on Mon, 10/02/2017 - 12:19pm

"It bugs the hell out of me, but then I remind myself that BM is desperate and sad and has an undying need to present her life as perfect to the outside world".

Yes this! It still hits that soft spot but I know I should be better than getting my feelings hurt over a kid that we only see EOWE and holidays.

mommadukes2015's picture

Submitted by mommadukes2015 on Mon, 10/02/2017 - 5:42am

I call my mom and step dad my parents. They raised me. I call my dad, dad, but I don't call his girlfriend anything. She cheated with my dad when my parents were married. Besides a waive hello and passing small talk she stays away from me and I'm cool with it. My dad just started calling her by name in front of me before he'd say "well she" its so weird but it happens.

I love dogs's picture

Submitted by I love dogs on Mon, 10/02/2017 - 11:49am

That's the thing. BM did everything to push us out and implement her family and succeeded due to our crappy court system. BM is the narc cheater who ruined their relationship and DH was the one who had to pay and sacrifice precious custody time.

Simpleton21's picture

Submitted by Simpleton21 on Mon, 10/02/2017 - 8:49am

My SD learned from BM to call her bf's kids her brother and sister. BM broke up with her bf and SD still calls those kids her brother and sister. It really bothers me as well. I always just look at her confused and say, "your sister?", "I didn't know you had a sister!" She talks about the girl more than the boy. I think it bothers me the most because all BM did was confuse her with that crap and she doesn't even get to see them anymore. I have never told her that my son is her brother because he isn't he is her step brother. SO and I do have a son together and to me that is her only actual brother b/c they have the same dad. BMs that pull crap like that are only hurting their children in the long run.

I love dogs's picture

Submitted by I love dogs on Mon, 10/02/2017 - 11:58am

Women like them don't care about hurting anyone, even their children. BM would have SD in hysterics when she was about 6 years old because 'daddy doesn't want to spend Christmas with mommy so you can't see daddy at all', 'daddy doesn't love us anymore so that's why he left'. It was always about BM not being loved by dad so she convinced SD that he didn't want to be a dad anymore. She's a nut.

Simpleton21's picture

Submitted by Simpleton21 on Mon, 10/02/2017 - 12:53pm

The BM I deal with isn't as direct in statements like that but she definitely influences SD into feeling/believing certain things with her antics. I get so tired of "it's for SD's best interest"...when you know it is what BM wants and really isn't in the interest of the child at all. BM told us one time after we attended SD's skating lessons that we were hurting SD by not sitting next to BM at the lesson....um...really?!?! What really happened is that SD was excited that we were there and paid more attention to us than BM....so obviously she's really concerned about what is best for SD! I don't know how these BMs even come up with some of this madness!

I love dogs's picture

Submitted by I love dogs on Mon, 10/02/2017 - 1:37pm

I think a lot of BMs confuse the child's best interest with their own interests and preferences. A lot. Our BM really started the poisoning when SD preferred to spend time with us as well. I think she gets mad at SD for having fun with us and wanting to see us (DH) more and now SD will always have that sick attachment to her mother.

Simpleton21's picture

Submitted by Simpleton21 on Tue, 10/03/2017 - 2:26pm

You are correct on that! When I look back at all the drama BM caused and continues to cause it is all mostly rooted in her insecurities/jealousy. She didn't like that SD really liked me in the beginning. She would tell SO that I was not SD's mother and blah blah blah. I found that amusing because I never once tried to play like I was SD's mom. The sad part is that BM has successfully put a wedge between me and SD. I could have been another source of support for SD but now I mostly disengage and have no desire to try to bond with SD.

I love dogs's picture

Submitted by I love dogs on Tue, 10/03/2017 - 4:33pm

Sadly but honestly, I don't have a desire to bond either. Neither parent cares that she turns into a successful adult, just that her feefees are never hurt. I won't play that game anymore.

Simpleton21's picture

Submitted by Simpleton21 on Wed, 10/04/2017 - 10:06am

Yep, same here! Every time I have tried in the past it turns into me being the bad guy. No more input from me! How she turns out is on them...not me...from now on I only worry about making sure my kids learns life lessons to grow into a strong, independent, successful grown ups.

advice.only2's picture

Submitted by advice.only2 on Mon, 10/02/2017 - 9:22am

DH got custody of SD when she was 10, she lived with us up until she was 17, but she always referred to meth whore's house as her home, she always referred to meth whore as her family...DH and I were just the house she was squatting at apparently.

notsobad's picture

Submitted by notsobad on Mon, 10/02/2017 - 2:15pm

BM has sent texts telling me to stop referring to myself as Her kids SM.
I didn't raise them and am in no way, shape or form a Mother to Her children.

I ignore her and so do the skids when I'm with them. When I'm introduced I'm SM, notsobad and Dad, hisname.

I know it puts the skids in a bad spot if my name comes up when they are with her or around her. They are careful to never say "my SM did this or said that." Its "notsobad or Dads wife, said this or did that". In fact I think they go out of their way to never mention me at all.

When the skids are around us, they refer to BM as my Mom or our Mom, they don't just say Mom. She has a bf but the kids aren't close to him or his kids.
With us they say I love my family or will #famjam or similar on social media.
With BM they talk more about the 3 musketeers or #bestmom

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Mon, 10/02/2017 - 2:25pm

My SD never really considered our home, her home. In fact, she claimed she didn't even like coming over and stopped when she was 15/16. So, when she said she wanted to live with us, roughly a year later, I knew there was an ulterior motive. Request denied!

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Tue, 10/03/2017 - 2:06am

SD is right...

BM and boyfriend are her family....

DH and you - are simply the ATM... how can an ATM be family, it's only a thing you use to get money... Wink

Int he last 5 years, brat saw BM maybe 7 days... yet BM, her toyboy and the rest of the broot are Brat's family...

XSO who had her constantly for 5 years.. is nothing...