What does Family mean?
I read Mommy2's forum today, and started thinking - what does family mean? I know I understand the feeling of being all alone, sitting on my couch with my DH on one side, my grand daughter on the floor, and my SD sitting next to DH. And, I am alone... that doesn't feel like family.
A few months back, my DH explained to me, "that is not how the (insert DH's family name here) does things!" (um, wait, I thought I was part of that family?)
I hear on this forum, and I strongly support house rules. Abide by them or leave. My folks had that rule too. Yet, the other side of the coin is when the chips are down - the family supports you, right? Is there a conflict here? Is one wrong and one right? When I had a bit of an emergency, I went home for the duration - which was specifically limited. I lived by the rules. But I also knew I could go there. And I was welcomed - that is family. I am their safety net and their security. I don't expect a youngling to be mine, but I am not sure my DH is at this point either.
I had a special "my side" family event set for two months. The Tuesday before it, my SD let me know that she wouldn't be able to make it, and no one on "my side" would be able to see my grand daughter. (ooops - step grand daughter...). As my husband said, she can opt out of "my family".
What does that mean? I am fulfilling the safety net role for her that I understood "families" did for each other. "My family" sent her and grand daughter Christmas gifts, they came to the baby shower, they supported and encouraged her. Now she is "opting out". (I don't think she realizes what she has lost yet) I hear about the disengaging, it helps. But it also hurts.
So - we live by the "house" rules. Because, I am not really "family," and I hold my husband accountable for her behavior - because, he is her family and I am not. But - if this is true, is he really my family then? And so - we have "house" rules and "parental" rules. Ok - really obviously we have "house" rules...
What does family mean? In my world I thought it meant support, respect, love, trust. How many different families can co-exist in the same space with each person defining family differently, and not everyone included? What if these same basics aren't agreed to by everyone? How does that work? I went to college, I had room mates - but these guys aren't sharing rent or chores with me.
Mommy2 really got me thinking. I don't know if I have the chutzpah to ask this at the dinner table (not tonight, we have company...) but I really think it might be a valuable discussion to have. What is family?
- gertrude's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
you already know
Family means what you think it means honey. Some people are just thoughtless and rude, takers but not givers. I don't include them in my idea of 'family'. Now that you know where you stand, I would take that into consideration in gifts, etc. from your family.
I told my family long ago, please don't give my sd gifts. She gets so much she doesn't even know who gives her things and she never says thank you one single time. Some still give them to her and she still never ever acknowledges it. This among other bigger meaner but still indicative of our worth to her things are cooling my 'family' feelings toward her.
"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus
This is the hardest thing for me
Family has become a bit of an "F" word to me. I would really like to feel family like but I just don't. I feel more like two families sharing a home or something. It is a sort of numb feeling. I truly love my H though. He is really a good guy and I would not want to be without him. At one time, I was even beginning to feel attached to the skids but I guess I got burned one too many times and those feelings began to cool.
Dh and I also parent very differently and he parents like bm so he realates to her when it comes to issues with their little darlings and then I feel like my opinions don't matter.
When dh and I talk about the kids it's like talking to an acquaintance. It's kinda wierd. I care for the kids and look after them but there is definately distance there.
I guess family is what you make it. Sadly, sometimes both parties don't exactly have the same idea about what to make it into. This is my issue and it is something I really hope that I can figure out what to do with.
I feel for you Gertrude. I hope that you can figure out with your dh what you want your family to be together and agree on it and make it work.
Georgie
Different Values
You know - that is true. We do have some very different values, or at least something - I really thought we were aligned on many things before we were married. But, maybe not so much. Then also, on this board I see a lot about "disney dad" and that seems to be where he is coming from. (Which has given me a lot of relief.) DH is most frequently a sweet heart. I think the problem for me is his blazing desire to be a white knight.
On the other hand, he is also talking about SD living with us until grand daughter is at least a teenager? That will not be happening. But - then when I think well, what about family? Some where there is that fine line between being supportive and being an enabler. Or, I keep thinking, being a pansy.
I am not a pansy. But, then, I am not family either. Maybe I just need to be an ogre (LOL)...
And have a beer!
Or a glass of wine!
I read a post a while back regarding this very issue and the poster's advice was "fake it until you make it." So I'm fakin' it!
My Dh does the Disney thing. Not so much anymore but guilt is his master at times. ~sigh~
The sd/granddaughter thing would bug me. Is sd making any attempt to become independent? How old is sd?
Georgie
SD is 20
She talks about wanting her own place. I just don't trust the talk. She has a job, and she is taking college courses - that is a requirement for her to live with us.
Today - she calls me because grand daughter is spiking a fever - that makes me feel good, at the same time, she is starting to push back on going to college. That makes me feel manipulated and like a pansy. (Sounds like her dad is supporting her in this pushback.)