She has never given you any indication that she does not like your kids?

"she said she wasn't doing this again."

This definitely sounds to me like something happened during the past vacation(s) that makes her not want to go. I've been a SM 18 years, and I tolerate family vacations, now better than I used to. The problem with them is that all my DH has ever been interested in is that the SKs are having a great time and doing what they want, when they want. Never mind that it's supposed to be the rest of the family's vacation, too.

For example, when my SSs were young, 5 and 7, DH and I had an infant. We went to a waterpark at SSs' insistence, a HORRIBLE idea for a baby. My DH skipped off with the SKs to ride water slides all day while I was by myself in the hot sun following a baby around who did not want to play in the baby pool. Even later, it was amusement parks. SSs and my bios with DH were always so many years apart, it meant time spent separately while DH went to ride the "cool" rides with SSs and I was by myself with my and DH's son riding the toddler rides. Then, DH would let SSs buy anything and everything they wanted, including always ordering the most expensive thing on the menu at dinners. It would especially make me angry that we had to pay BM the FULL CS for the month yet we provided all their food, lodging, money for souvenirs etc. for the weeks they were with us on vacation and could barely even afford a vacation in the early years due to exorbitant CS. (And scr#w the argument BM still had to pay the mortgage and utilities while SSs were gone, especially since SSs now are 21 and 23 and BM now (shock!) STILL has to pay her mortgage and utilities, just without DH's child support. Note, this is my favorite part of the story. ha ha ha!) The worst part of family vacations with the SKs, which continues to this day, is that DH just wants to do whatever the SSs want, eat wherever they want to eat at whatever time they want. It's as though he's afraid if they don't have the PERFECT time doing EXACTLY what they want, regardless of what anyone else wants, then they won't want to vacation with him again. It's maddening.

Does any of this sound familiar? My guess is that things like I've mentioned above have made your wife miserable on vacations, to the point she would rather not go. It's a shame she had to make up excuses rather than be straight with you. HOWEVER, this is where I have to ask if maybe she HAS tried to tell you the issues in the past, and you just wouldn't hear of them and just shut her down or dismissed her complaints? I hope you do go to counseling together and work this out.

Gunner, for counselling, with or without her: There is clearly a communication issue in your marriage. Rather than discuss things with you, your wife has made up multiple excuses and given you the silent treatment. This is the real issue. A strong, loving relationship between two adults involves respectful communication around issues.

Go without her. Lmao. That simple. You pay the bills. Tell her to take her kids and go on her dime. Byeeeeee!!!!

She can make her own plans.
Truly. Its that easy.

The problem here is the DW isn't feeling heard and the issues aren't being resolved. Therefore she has turned resentful and you are just now feeling that wrath.
I'm not saying she is right for feeling that way or that you are right for not agreeing. I am just explaining my opinion. She doesn't feel heard.
You both basically agreed to disagree and didn't come to a compromise or solution.

I also get livid when my DH pays excessive amounts of money for the SS's over and above CS. However, that is because BM is trying to live above her means and using DH to compensate for her lack of income. Only he is not the breadwinner in the house, I AM. Therefore if he can't contribute to MY household then he shouldn't be contributing to HER household over and above CS and reasonable extras.

Personally, I would take separate vacations. There is no reason for either of you or your kids to be miserable.
I would NEVER take my SS's on a vacation. I can't stand them long enough to take them out to dinner, let alone spend a week with them. NO THANK YOU!!
They are rude, manipulative brats who would drive me and my BS nuts. So when I wanted to go on vacation, I took BS alone. DH was welcome but he chose to work. Not problem.

You are texting her about this situation?
First trying to talk while she's doing dishes now texting... :?

I'd say there's some communication issues #1. Neither the OP nor his DW seem to be communicating effectively so there's absolutely a disjointed point of view from both of them.

There's nothing like sitting down in a calm way and discussing things.
DH and I have done this with good results (yes, it can get heated but we continue the conversation because we want it resolved)....talking face to face like adults is a good thing.

Well, Gunner, you have done a great thing scheduling that appointment. You can reassure your wife it's not a place where one person gets to be right and the other wrong. It's supposed to be a place where you get a highly trained 3rd party help you communicate with each other so the two of you can resolve things (not the therapist resolving things).

It sounds like you are heavily subsidizing your ex-wife's lifestyle above and beyond child support and the divorce settlement you reached. That's a decision you can make but that is certainly going to be fertile ground for resentment in any new marriage. You have to be prepared to hear from marriage counselor that you may not get every single thing you want. Buying (above your settlement cuz that settlement was fair, yes?) your ex-wife a home she couldn't afford may come at the cost of happiness in any subsequent marriage. It just feels wrong to the new partner, like you have 2 wives.

I believe your kids probably behave pretty well. They have good grades (well, I'm assuming since at least one does) and work at it and that's a good indicator that they are hitting their milestones and becoming decent people.

Your wife has either resorted to covert tactics out of desperation or immaturity. So counseling is a good place to untangle that and the 2 of you find a more successful way to work out your challenges.

Small potatoes like allowance money not coming on vacay will vanish when you get big issues resolved.

And for the record, I wouldn't go on vacation with my SD at gunpoint. We have never done so since the first month after we married and she made everyone miserable. But I would take my SS to the moon and back. So do not believe that sms just don't like stepkids. The kid's behavior can make a big difference. Also do not underestimate how very miserable a skid (or ex) can make a stepparent.

If my SO said my kid wasn't welcome on vacation then I wouldn't go and I wouldn't pay for one cent of it. I think the OP's Wife is being especially petty since he is the breadwinner who is helping pay for things for HER kids. If she wants things to be separate , then separate the finances and stop paying for anything for her kids.

Sounds like you and the wife need to ditch the kids and go off alone. Put the marriage first, be a united front. You're never going to resolve anything by complaining about each others children. I work in schools off and on so believe me, ALL kids are annoying at times, yours are too.

Marriage counseling and time away from all the children will do your marriage a lot of good.

He's also paying for his SKs to live in a nice neighborhood. Why should his SKs benefit more from his income than his bios?

Gunner-money may have a lot to do with this, but it isn't everything. And money isn't just money. As another poster mentioned, if my DH bought a house for his ex to live in, I'd be incredibly hurt and distrustful of our relationship. Whether you mean for it to or not, it feels like you are caring for another woman. That's really unfair to your current marriage.

Also, my DH has gotten much better about this over the years...but early on in our marriage he changed toward me completely every time the kids came over. I am sure he didn't even realize it, but he became more distant, less affectionate...he didn't touch me as much...just disconnected from me in general. I could go on and on with examples...it was a thousand little things...death by a thousand paper cuts. This, at the time when, as a childless SM, I needed MORE connection with him rather than less...MORE assurance of my role and place in the household. Without even realizing it, this made me absolutely dread skid visits...like, physically. I started feeling sick to my stomach and filling with dread about 3 days before their weekends...and then I started hiding in my room, finding reasons to be out of town...running tons of errands. Anything to escape my own home and the constant reminder that DH had his little mini-family and I had nothing. Of course, he got offended and defensive...told me I hated his kids (that was never true)...told me I was a horrible, hateful person...told me that I was the only one with a problem and he just couldn't understand it...they were good, wonderful kids (for the most part, they really were). I hadn't pinpointed what bothered me about the whole situation yet so, naturally, I did displace my hurt and resentment onto the skids. I really dreaded their presence and disliked them in general, which made me feel like an awful person because I could recognize that they were fine, good kids. This made DH try even harder to get me to see how great they were. The more he tried to push his kids on me and force us to 'blend' the more trapped I felt and the more I retreated and wanted nothing to do with it.

Then, one day, it just seemed like DH 'got it' somehow. He told me I didn't have to feel like a mother to his kids or like anything to them...that our marriage was first and most important to him and that his kids have two loving parents and are growing up fine. He gave up his guilt over the divorce and over what they 'don't have' because of it as well as his fear-based, Disney Dad parenting. He started making it a point to spend extra time with me the day before skid visits and also during skid visits. It became more like WE were the couple...the main team...and the kids got to merge into that, into OUR life, rather than the other way around. Magically, I started being able to tolerate his kids again and even enjoy their company at times. I became much more flexible and easy-going about when and how they show up at our house (They all drive now and will drop by. This used to fill me with rage...now I don't mind it so much.)

Of course, I have a different dynamic than you have because I don't bring any kids to the marriage or have any with DH...so I think that adds an extra potential layer of resentment and feelings of unfairness. But the general principle is the same. I should mention...I am the oldest of 6, I absolutely love kids, have taught school for years...adore my nieces and nephews. I went into this relationship EXPECTING to blend easily and just love his kids innately...and this is how it turned out for me. I now care for them and hope they do well in life...and I'm even willing to put time and resources behind them to help them be successful. I'm also 100% committed to making sure they have a solid relationship with their dad. That's important to me. Practically, they are part mine and I take some responsibility for them and how they do in life. Emotionally, I feel far less for them than for my younger sisters or niece and nephews. That's OK...that's success for me.

How long have you been married? Speaking from experience...I went into the marriage full of hope and thoughts of blending, and my sanity and hope started to deteriorate after about 2 years. I started to feel taken advantage of and angry...and also disappointed with myself and depressed for having these feelings...while also feeling cut off from my DH. I would say that, if your wife has really never expressed much and 'suddenly' seems to dislike your kids, this could be what's going on. When I FIRST started having these feelings and trying to communicate them to my husband, it was the roughest for me and I took it out on the kids the most frequently...because the anger that things weren't as I expected them to be was so intense. If your wife is in this stage, and you do love her and want it to work, then I suggest you give her plenty of grace and understanding right now...whether she deserves it or not. Really listen. For me, the thing that made all the difference was a seemingly simple shift. My husband went from assuming and expecting that my time and money and other resources and efforts should naturally be spent on his kids...to realizing that this is a gift...thanking me and being grateful for everything I do for his kids.