Ever tempted to be the b*tch they claim you are?
I know it is self esteem 101 not put too much stock into what people think of you. BUT, sometimes I do find myself angry at the image BM holds of me.
DH might get a "decent settlement" when this worker's comp thing wraps up. There is no guarantee, and regardless there are attorney's fees to be paid, a loan to be paid back, etc. BM thinks I am that "type" who wants all his money for myself/my house, and that I am looking out for myself, all of the time, with no regard for the well-being of her kids. On the contrary, I don't want him to come into a large sum of money. I am not comfortable with that. I want what he needs to catch up on bills and move forward with a new career and not a penny more. If he gets just enough to pay rent for a couple months while he secures employment, I will be more than happy. SHE is the one who feels entitled to anything and everything because she had his kids. She is the one who complains that the court ordered support "isn't even a lot!" and "her friend gets more." I feel she projects her greed onto me.
Do I resent that as we struggled she continued to be supported? Yes! It sucked to have weeks when after child support there was nothing, but I dealt with it. I am a human. I had days I didn't even want to see the kids faces I was so bitter but I didn't ever show it.
Her favorite line is that "I am not as nice as I pretend to be." She has called me an idiot multiple times. She has said I act trashy. In those moments of name calling I never lost my temper.
I think I have always been extremely nice to her the few times she has contacted me. I am nice to the kids. I have my bad days and angry moments like everyone else but it boggles my mind that she paints me as such a villain. Sure she has "let up" a little, but that tension is still so obvious, even to the kids.
After years - it seems it WOULD get easier? And just like some of us have not so bad BM's and some of us have horrible ones - on the BM's end there are not so bad SM's and obnoxious ones. I am certain I am a relatively decent SM in terms of not overstepping those ever expanding boundaries. I do not overshare on any form of social media. I am careful not to do any important "firsts" with them. I mean the list goes on and on. If I think about it, being with the skids is like being videotaped and censored in my own home. I am hyper aware of my behavior.
I follow some stepmom groups on IG and I side more with the BM sometimes when I read the nonsense they post. I find it downright strange when a stepmom tries so hard to be "mom" and I can see through some of these stepmothers, trying to make BM look unstable so they can look like a martyr. That is almost worse than a GUBM... it comes off as absolutely desperate to secure their place in their husband's life.
Not trying to get off topic. I guess it just gets to the point when BM is vocal about thinking I am a fake, ignorant and a piece of trash, for so many years - that I start to reach my threshold and WANT to be the bitch she claims I am. That is what I struggle with. My EGO.
It is so easy to regurgitate to myself the usual lines "don't let her rent space inside your head" ... or "ignore!" But how many of us sometimes feel like taking that high road over and over and over again starts to feel like surrendering yourself to a bully? So do you stand up to a bully or do you ignore a bully? Is there a one sized fits all answer when it comes to this?
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could not care less what
could not care less what people think of my AJ lol....
but through the years I've decided.. well fine call me a bitch and I will show you one, Aergia learned this the hard way..... BM think's I'm a walk over... I let her think it, she still does not get it lol, I'm not going to help her out..
Simply do not give BM head space AJ - forget about the woman...
I guess it comes down to the
I guess it comes down to the fact that not everyone will like you or be nice to you. Sometimes it matters like when it is a co-worker, your boss or your spouse.
Other times, you have to consider the source. Your DH's EX has probably a million reasons why she dislikes you or has a bad opinion. It's likely that very little of it is true, but we can't control other people right?
All you can do is what you feel is best for yourself and your household. You can try to set boundaries and ask your DH to pull his weight and parent his kids etc. Unless what you are doing is illegal, pffft. Whatever to them!
I know it's difficult to have the ex say bad things to you or about you and they aren't acting very nicely. But, if you know in your heart that you are doing your best, that's all you can do right?
Don't let people that don't matter to you make you feel less worthy.
If only these valuable
If only these valuable lessons could be learned and practiced in one day. Or taught in school. Boundaries, self esteem, consider the source 101. It seems to take the patience of a saint to get to that place of not letting others get to you. I know very few people who have mastered it.
It still hurts when someone
It still hurts when someone judges you unfairly. I know it's hard not to care. I guess it's a muscle that needs to be exercised.
Thanks Heaven. The best way
Thanks Heaven.
The best way to explain it is like when you replay a conversation in your head, of someone being downright awful to you, and you realize you totally "allowed" it and were far too nice. The "right" words come to you completely after the fact.
That is how it feels for me. It affects me more some days and less others. Affect or effect? I am bad with that word.
My state too. Anything that
My state too. Anything that mentions compensation for lost wages or income is eligible for CS calculations. DH thinks that's why BM didn't fight the new CS calculations after her car accident, because she got a BIG settlement. (IMHO if she's smart she'll put it in an account and not use it unless needed, because the physical issues caused by the accident are going to cause her issues the rest of her life, and probably really start to negatively affect her as she gets to retirement age.) But I know she was off work for months for her recovery and the settlement HAD to have included lost wages.
I can relate. I blogged about
I can relate. I blogged about it not long ago, but my issue is MIL. It's hard not to upset or angry at how others inaccurately perceive you, especially when life would be a lot easier if everyone could just get along.
I have been working a long time on not caring what others think. I've gotten a lot better at it when it comes to people that barely know me, but it's been harder with some of my family and now MIL. I have a cousin that would run her mouth about me and it came down to that she was just jealous, but it hurt and it distanced me from a lot of my family members.
Now MIL runs her mouth to my in laws about how horrible I am because I don't love SS7 like my own, she's also added lies in her rants to them about me, so now she's got others in DH's family not liking me. I just have to remind myself that I know I'm a good person, I know I've been better for SS than almost anyone else in his life because I've shown DH how to be a decent parent, and that I'm not a bad person because I don't love him, no matter what all those other people think.
That's awesome.
That's awesome.
Girl crushing so hard on Echo
Girl crushing so hard on Echo right now...
Ha! Here's the thing about
Ha!
Here's the thing about my BM's (and probably many others): they seem to have a hard time thinking outside of themselves. Often times under the guise of "what's best for kids."
In these instances, after all other attempts at constructive communication have failed-I am the bitch they claim I am.
in every day terminology we call this "boundaries". I respect their boundaries (much like you seem to) and at times they need a reminder to respect mine.
There is no problem with drawing a line in the sand in a graceful but effective manner.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh I know EXACTLY
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh I know EXACTLY what you're feeling and talking about. My latest post was about exactly this. BM2 went on a holy war path because she found how good I am to her son, basically. It gets old. I totally get it. But they are indeed projecting what they feel about themselves.
In the case with BM2, she's been on a mission, since moving back to England, to 'get HER family back' (read: DH and SS14). DH outright laughed at her and said he's in love with me...there went her forever back-up plan. So she was already feeling butthurt when SS14 flat out told her he loves us...he didn't need her to "save him". THEN kept hearing from DH how I am so good to SS14 (by this he was only telling her how I went to a school meeting for him as it was my day off and bought cheap books from eBay).
She lost her golden uterus marbles and proceeded to talk a load of b.s. to her family last weekend when she had SS14 and posted a few things on her Facebook that were about me. She doesn't seem to realize that she may have me blocked but she's friends with SS14. He's 14 and a porn addict...I check his fb several times per week. DUH.
It never ends and it's exhausting. Don't stoop to their level. Truth will prevail and karma is a b*tch. Have your little 2 minute sulk and then move on, knowing what a miserable and sad human being they must be so petty and spiteful.
LOL, my advice on here is
LOL, my advice on here is usually to be the bitch they think you are!
So many people confuse being a bitch with standing up for yourself and not allowing anyone to treat you like crap.
In my case I treated the things that BM said about me as if it was some neighbour or other relative stranger who had only the tiniest glimpses into my life.
She knows nothing about me and anyone who does know me knows she just making crap up.
There were a few times the skids believed her but when we talked about the actual events and the decisions made, the skids too realized that she had no idea what she was talking about.
I got a new SUV, DH got a new truck, with in a week of each other. SS(17 at the time) was driving a pos that he'd bought himself, SD(20att) a crappy jeep that she and BM bought at an auction.
BM ranted and raved how DH was buying his new family new cars while his kids had to drive old crappy cars.
SD was very rude about, making comments under breath and giving me the evil eye.
DH talked to her and told her I'd bought my own vehicle with an inheritance and he'd bought his with insurance (his truck had been totaled in an accident). She was immediately apologetic.
Now I know when BM has said something because SD comes and asks me.