How to tell your husband.... to give up his son?
I just got off the phone with our attorney. He told me I really need to get my husband drunk and tell him that he needs to let his son be adopted by BM's new husband.
After full calculations with interest, the amount the judge ordered could be as much as 25K- however , the order says we are supposed to settle it ourselves and if we can't then we go back to court.
BM offered before the settlement 10K and basically terminate DH"s rights. DH said no, that's giving up on his kid and he won't do it.
Our lawyer thinks that if we offer adoption for the SF that she will settle for 5K. She hates that SS has DH's name- this will let her PROVE what a deadbeat DH has been all these years.
Our lawyer is also emailing the judge and her attorney asking for the calculations used and the copies of her taxes "to work on a settlement" - because based on what the judge ordered none of her income was ever computed and she never produced those documents even though they were subpoenaed. We are hoping that raises some flags and the judge reconsiders his totals. Trying to do this the cheapest way possible and balancing who we are paying, because at the end of the day we could still pay 10K to fight her and she still gets awarded max amount- because that is how it works out there!
I am so tired you guys. Just in my soul. I don't even have a fight left in me.
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Before going down that road,
Before going down that road, a few things:
1.) Does BM care more about the money than DH's rights being terminated? If so, then she won't settle for less.
2.) Does SF even want to adopt SS? Sounds like he is a little sh*t even when he's with her. If he's smart, he doesn't want to do that. That also means your DH can't terminate.
3.) Is there a set amount of cash your DH has right now that he could pay her, or take a loan out for, and just offer that? Say $15,000 and he stops contacting SS, then at 18 SS can have SF adopt him if he wants? Perhaps giving her sole everything and a lump sum would shut her down.
4.) Is this the same crap attorney you've been using this whole time? If so, get a second opinion before DH signs over his rights. That attorney has been trash, and I wouldn't trust something this large to him.
Your entire situation is BS, and I would 100% back you if you went on a smear campaign against the judge, attorneys, BM, legislators - the lot of them - for this mess. It's the stuff of nightmares.
Absolutely this... your
Absolutely this... your husband's lawyer is abysmal. and why on earth is he not delivering this message to your husband himself. what an Fing coward.
I wouldn't be telling your DH
I wouldn't be telling your DH this information. I would tell DH to call his attorney and let the attorney deliver that news. Not fair of the attorney to put this bombshell on you to deliver.
oh hell no
No family lawyer with an ounce of integrity should ever suggest he just sign over rights to the kid.
Maybe I live in la la land, but FOR SURE get a 2nd opinion. Sounds like lazy lawyer man just wants to be done. He's been a waste and I wish you could sue him. God this is disgusting on so many levels and I'm so very sorry for everything you and your DH are going through.
I genuniely wanna throw up at the thought of her getting all that money and your DH losing his kid and her using him giving up against him further. GROSS people.
Honestly... how many "rights"
Honestly... how many "rights" does your husband really have to ss now?
That being said... he could pay, lose rights and then ss comes slithering around 2-4-6 years later looking for money. And then what? I am sure your husband would be THRILLED ss "wants him".
On the other hand... isn't this kid almost 18? At that point he can choose to have his sf adopt him anyway.
Definitely get an accounting of how these figures were calculated. And I would demand her taxes be submitted. Exactly how do they calculate without that information anyway?? No way. This same crap happened to me when I was filing for CS for my youngest... dad wasn't required to provide tax information. I got screwed... but really didn't have the funds to fight it. I do now and will be refiling soon. You have the ability to make sure it is done ACURATELY. They simply should not be allowed to skirt submitting Financials.
If he/you can catch a break on the rediculous amount. Your husband doesn't really have "rights" anyway.
No, no, no. A thousand, nay,
No, no, no. A thousand, nay, a gazillion times NO. YOU should not tell him this. Excellent advice above. But do not tell your DH to give up. It may very well backfire on you. Let poopie lawyer tell him. I'd like to give that lawyer a Flying Five Fist Monkey Nut Punch. Times two.
I'd tell him to call the
I'd tell him to call the attorney - no way would I pass that message on. Is BM stupid? If not, why would she agree to that? The kid will be 18 soon and can change his name, allow SF to adopt him (although why?) and cut all ties to your DH. She's not going to give up that $$. Just offering that settlement makes your husband look bad to his son and everyone else.
So my husband did this with
So my husband did this with his youngest daughter who is by BM2. 13 years later YSD23 is a hot mess, BM divorced Stepdad a few years after he adopted YSD and then stepdad killed himself about 5 years ago. DH started rebuilding his relationship with YSD after she turned 18. It's been off and on depending on YSD and BM's moods. It does solve the money part but opens up all new drama issues that don't go away.
Well, I talked to DH last
Well, I talked to DH last night, DID NOT BRING UP giving up rights to SS at all.
I told him about my suggestion for the request to have the calculations and BM's SUBPOENAED tax information for "settlement calculations". DH thought that was a good idea, trying to avoid the court and lawyer fees associated with an appeal. Since the order isn't technically a final ruling anyway, we have a shot a recalculations before it ever comes to going back to court.
DH also wants the $ for the alimony overpayment and other issues that BM was responsible for the in the divorce that DH had to pay out of pocket for BM's share calculated. I told him that the judge may not take that into consideration since those are separate from CS. He got pissed but it is what it is. We just need to figure out the real $ and pay her off. If she will take a lump sum settlement for less, than fine, if not, he can keep paying CS until she is paid off. So what if we have to pay until he is 20 instead of 18.5 (graduation). At the end of the day, some states make you pay until 21 anyway! We will just roll with it and move on.
as frustrating as it is...
as frustrating as it is... cutting the bleeding payments to the lawyer may be the only thing you can do really.. resigning to pay and hopefully get some recon of what she might owe to him that will likely not offset but could be pursued civilly perhaps?
I would just be so done with all of this and would love to see an option where your crappy lawyer could be held accountable.. but yeah.. probably dropping rope.
I'm guessing that the judge
I'm guessing that the judge is lazy?
In our case, DH was awarded custody but Satan was dragging her feet with regards to a Parenting Plan. She liked the chaos of complaining about her parenting time and crying foul. So I wrote a detailed parenting plan, submitted it to the GAL, and since Satan had no counter proposal, the judge adopted it. Our lawyer was lazy so it fell to me to take the reins.
The judge in your case has had a lot of paperwork come across his bench over a long period of time. And if your lawyer wasn't such a POS, he'd organize a summary with a spreadsheet for him, to make it easier for him to just make a farking ruling already. I'm guessing he hasn't done that, so either make him do it or maybe write it up yourself.
ETA: The judge should take everything into consideration when settling the final balance between the parties. Include everything in your spreadsheet. Make it easy for him to rule fairly.
The judge is incredibly lazy!
The judge is incredibly lazy! Like mind boggling lazy! I have no idea how he even holds the position with as little as he does and how hard he makes it to do anything. Never heard of anything like it.
I hope we can just keep it out of court but if not, I want to have all of the information as clear as possible. I think the biggest issue we have is how he arrived at the numbers to begin with! I was thinking we were maybe $100-150 lower than we should be. Not $350-400! That is a big difference when you go back for 5 years! I also never imagined it would go back that far, I would have thought it would be effective the date of the order, even though I know parents can go for back pay, I would have thought his temporary order would have stood until HE changed it.
I'm sorry this is so
I'm sorry this is so frustrating and difficult! When we found out how much DH was going to have to back pay Meth Mouth we opted for the full payment up front just because we knew we were going to be raising Spawn and would need that extra income. Nothing stings more that giving a lump sum of money to a Meth addict! I hope you guys can get her to finally turn over her financials so you might get a bit more of a fair deal. I just know for us Meth Mouth wasn’t required to disclose anything to DCS, all she had to do was show up with her hand held out and they accommodated her
Nothing stings more that
Nothing stings more that giving a lump sum of money to a Meth addict! I hope you guys can get her to finally turn over her financials so you might get a bit more of a fair deal. I just know for us Meth Mouth wasn’t required to disclose anything to DCS, all she had to do was show up with her hand held out and they accommodated her.
^^^^
This^ For the love of God I have no idea how felons pull this shit off. But they do. Something is NOT right.
Nope it's not and when I saw
Nope it's not and when I saw the amount of mental gymnastics the judge did in our case to justify giving Meth Mouth more time and more control, it was shocking.
I have requested a record of
I have requested a record of all payments through the DCSE. I am going to create my own spreadsheet with the judges calculations vs. what we have paid and see where we land. Rough math isn't going to cut it on this.