Robin - have to reply to you first because your statement rings so true. I do consider myself lucky to be done with her. Not at first though. Damn this bleeding heart. It was hard. I mean really hard....

Cheese - You saying it makes me feel better. Why do I have this overwhelming feeling of responsibility though? She has been my daughter for 17 years. That doesn't just go away does it?. thank you for your thoughts and perspective I appreciate it.

Indigo - Indeed. I have done more to hold this family together than you can imagine. But I was happy to do so. I was happy to hold them all. I mean I was a good man. A damn good father and a damn good husband. Who does this these days?

Tasha - I know your right. I just don't like to hear it. And yes I feel they are indeed stealing the happiness away. I also feel you are right and I have done more than enough. Its just that my X didnt just abandon me. She abandoned her sick daughter. Its really sad all the way around.

To all - I will get through this. Less and less emotional days. More and more stronger days. Thank you for listening to me.

Thanks all. I am still trying to be patient with my step daughter and her boyfriend (and his brother). On a good note she is doing great. She just went up for a second set of scans and she is tumor free! Damn this heart. I do love them. But I am going to broach the subject again and see if I can get them to commit to a date.

Thank you for the kind words. I cant say it enough just thank you. You are saying what I feel. I truly loved them all. With all my heart. My son is very different. He is highly independent and at 15 wants a job so he can take care of himself. I need to help him balance with school and sports but its a good start for sure. I think its because of what he sees with his siblings. Kids are not dumb and my boy is no exception.

The X has started support back up again. I really don't want to be a statistic but it is hard to get her to understand the financially she is responsible for half. She says because I make more money than her she should not have to pay. So she leaves me (someone who loved her on the last as much as he loved her on the first day), then does not want to pay her share. Fun Fun. Anyway its all good. You all are a great help.

Going camping for a week in Burlington so my son can attend his football camp that he loves. Love time with my boy. He is my life.

Quick update for everyone here who was kind enough to offer advice. My step daughter (24) and her boyfriend are moved out and living in their own place. Unfortunately I do not think I am very high on their list of liked people but I am not losing much sleep over it. I was a good dad and took care of them.

There are a few things they have left to move and trash to take care of that they left. They left the place filthy filthy and I have taken since Sunday (its Thursday today) to completely clean. I had been staying at a girlfriends house with my son(15). My son was very comfortable there (I was very observant to make sure) and when we came back, we had to throw so much rotten food away and clean the fridge. The bathroom and bathtub was black and grimy. It was all so gross. They took everything in my bathroom, and most of the towels and face cloths.

They also took stuff my ex had left at the house. She has been gone for about 8 months now. One of the things was a mason jar full of shark teeth She and I gathered together on the beach in North Carolina. The response when asked why was "well this was moms...." and I didn't argue because it was just not worth the effort. I informed them that their mom left 8 months ago and at this point everything in the house is mine. The X and I are on good terms (we have a son to think of so I make sure he is not largely effected by our divorce) so if she really wanted something she could ask for it.

X has not been seeing our son regularly. I would be worried except we expected this. My son has always been close to me and I think he has everything he needs. For years she has been neglectful anyway and it has always been he and I. We both (son and I) would be gone all day (school/work respectively). Son plays football, track, wrestling and I have been a coach for most of his youth. A typically night would be come home around 8:30-9pm with son from a full day of work/school/coaching/sports to X laying on couch watching TV and son and I start making supper for the family. I had the attitude of "I need to help out at home also, and if I show the effort then maybe she would help out also" this never happened. It got to the point where for a long time (a year or so) my son would ask me to bet whether mom made supper or is laying down. When we asked her (not very often) she would get angry and say how tired she was.

The last bit of fun I am having (sarcasm) is sifting through the 17 years of junk we accumulated together. I am surprised at how much there is. Another task that I am doing alone. She gets to leave and I get stuck with the clean up. Clean up her kids. Clean up of emotions. Clean up of house. Clean up of crap.

To end on a positive note, my son and I are super stoked to have our own place. And the clean up has an end in sight. A bit more to go though. Divorce will be final 9/16/16 and I cannot wait. There will be celebrations to be had. My son is very supportive and while I try not to drag him into anything via conversation, he is very aware and helps his old man along the way. I get way more "I love you dad" dropping him off than I ever have. And he initiates it. The love of a son is more powerful than anything else in the world and I am content.

Thank you

Well its been over a year since I last posted here.

First of all I cant tell how helpful this page and blog has been for me. I am very thankful to all of your support.

Some updates:
sd and her boyfriend (and his brother) are living a couple of towns away. I try to go by every few weeks to see how they are doing and just say hi. Or bring some of my wickedly awesome home made pickles! Anyway the brother sent me a long text not that long ago thanking me for just showing up and coming around. Apparently X does not go buy at all or if she does its very rare. I am by no means in a competition. It was nice to hear that. They would not come see me...or call..or text..but whatever. I do it because it makes me feel good not necessarily for them.

My SS lives in the same trailer park as my X (his mom) and he has said on numerous occasions he sees me more than his mom. I go mostly for the grand kids. They know me as pappa not as a step parent. One of the grand kids I helped raise for his first 3-4 years as they lived with me. SS is same as SD wont come see me or call or anything but I take my son down to see his brothers and nephews and make sure he keeps in contact (as much as he wants to anyway).

I have not made much effort on my land project. My X and I went in on a purchase (well I started down payments before she left). After she left I continued the deal, after getting her to sign off on the property. In April of 2016 I received all the paperwork from the lawyers. I now own 8.54 acres of land in Windham Vermont. Wooded acres. So far it has been very holistic to go out there (with my son and sometimes with just my four legged son) and slowly clear areas and cut trees. I am in the process of felling trees to cure so next year maybe I can start building a cabin. To getaway from everything.

I realize that some part of me will always love the X. not like before. I have a new person in my life that is a complete joy. She has a full time job she has been at for 17 years and makes almost as much money as I do. She also has her own house. So all in all things are really going good.

Still have guilt feelings about the past and I dont think my SD really cares all that much.

My current girlfriend wonders at why I make an effort with the steps. I often wonder the same thing. I am slowly distancing myself but I don't think I will ever be that far from them. I think there is a little more room for distance though.

Ok well this site has been great and I will check back in and read any replies. Feel free to ask me any questions you would like. I am much more stable than I was when I originally put this post up. I am changed I think forever. For the good? For the bad? Time will tell. Just changed.

Well its been about 5 years.  As a good friend of mine used to say "There is not good life.  There is no bad life.  Its just life." and its a helpful mantra.

Chrono of events:
- Serious relationship in 2016 went south in 2018.  She was miserable most of the time.  In 2018 she told me she didnt think she loved me.  Was devastating to me.  Again someone I gave my heart to.  Once she said it I vowed I would never let this happen to me again.  Thank god for good friends that helped me move and get a place for me and my boy.
-Moved in with best friend in 2018.  A lot of drinking.  I mean a lot.  Probably about 2 5ths of beam a week.  Was still doing all for my boy.  Everything.  BM support stopped shortly after it started.  and she disappeared for the most part.
-Visited sick sd almost weekly.  Helped them out without the burden of having them under my roof.  She was always good to me.  I just could not stay away.  Something always pulled me to go see her.  Mostly talks of why her mother and father would not come see her or talk to her.  I know she was happy I was there for her, but she really wanted her mother and father.  If I had any idea of how little time we had left with her I would have taken her and supprted her until the end.
-sd dies Jan 24th 5:05pm 2019.  We honored her wishes.  She wanted to die at home.  But I will tell you this.  In the moments she died, she was wide awake.  Eyes wide.  And we were powerless to stop it.  It was the single most horrifying thing I ever went through.  It will haunt me forever.
-bs graduated from highschool in 2019 and is now a US Marine.  could not be more proud. sd did not want him to go because she was afraid that she would die while he was away.  A tiny blessing that she went first.
-got a motorcycle in 2019.  Where has this been my whole life.  Still living with best freind.
-Oct 2019 in a bad car accident.  My right leg was on the brake (stopped in the road) when I was hit.  I rolled the window down with my head, went out the side of my truck hit the door and back in again.  Blessed to only have an issue with my foot (breaks, metal, bionic, but in pain every day).  Also blessed that the young man was alive.  He was going way to fast.  Never hit the brakes.  He wrestled with my son.  He has new vehicles for he and his wife.  As far as I know he is doing ok.  Which I am super thankful for.
-Bought a house on 10.5 acres in Feb 2021.  Its small 2 bedroom.  Boy is living in NC and is married to high school sweetheart.  My best friend moved with me.  He saved my life and helped me through some of the toughest parts of my life.  He will always have a place in my home whatever happens.  We ride motorcycles.  We drink whiskey (no not even close to what it was before), and we fix up the little house, and go to concerts.  Whiskey Meyers, Twiddle, Chris Stapleton already booked this year.
-Have a girlfriend and its getting a little serious.

This journey has taught me many things:
-how little I know.  Or knew. 
-Divorce brought the worst out of me.
-But also some of the solid qualities I have today are from it. 
-I learned I control my emotions and nobody else. 
-I learned my quality and worth, and nobody else will ever put a value on that again. 
-I learned to be straight forward with my emotions, especially about family matters. 
-I learned I have the strength to leave.
-I learned I enjoy alone time.  Its therapeutic and healthy.
-I learned that I am a good person and role model.
-I learned that I am thankful for the relationships I had and still have with my children and step kids, and that those relationships can work on my terms. If they care about you they will understand. I think this easier with older sk.

Again I want to say how thankful I am for this platform.  When I got divorced in 2016 (and a week later she re-married) I did not think I would make it.  And although bm cried no one accepts her, the reality is, she had a lot of support from the LBGTQ+ community (as she should have) as well as her friends and family (as they should have).  Also I am in Vermont (very liberal state).  Everyone disappeared from my life in an instant.  There was no one.  I had to work through all this alone.  Besides my best friend coming over, this forum is the only other place I have been able to vent my feelings.

"Its just life"

Thank you.  Wishing you the best possible outcome.  And sorry for your struggles past and present.  Yes the pain never really goes away you just get "stronger" and can deal with it better.  I hope you find peace in your times ahead.