Responsibility to step kids (and grand kids) after divorce?
I am really struggling with this. Not outwardly and directly. My SD is dead (I was the closest to her). youngest SS lives with his grand mother. Oldest SS lives about 25-30 mins away. He has 3 kids that call me Papa.
I love the grand babies (the inocents) but I dont ever see them. SS never comes to see me or calls. I do call him and stop by to see him/them, just not very often.
I guess the struggle is most of the time I am frustrated by the lack of effort on his part. He lives in a trailer park. I live on 10.5 acres (in a small camp) and have been here for 2 years now. I invited him many times to bbq or whatever. He says "sure lets do it" but it never amounts to anything.
If he and I talk about it he says "yah I know. I am not great at making the effort or phone calls" so at least hes honest about it.
I also dont know why its so hard to let go. He still calls me dad. His kids call me pappa. I get them xmas presents (usually give ss money pre-xmas (his bday is dec) for presents for the kids and his bday). I know he apreciated my efforts, but does not outwardly show it.
I am not sure how comfortable I am just disapearing from his life (and the grand babies). Half of me says wait it out and hope the grand kids reach out later on. But you know how kids are.
Ultimately what I am trying to say is, I get a guilty feeling sometimes, and start to feel like I should make more of an effort.
Sometimes I feel - If he doesnt make the effort why should I?
If there were no gk involved I think this would be way easier.
This whole thing is compunded by the fact that his X of about 6 months (mom to 2 of the grand kids) just OD'd and is dead. Services tomorrow. Those gk probably need me now more than ever.
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My DH and I have gkids convos
Quite often. Two of his granddaughters were 12 and 14 when their parents divorced. I came into their lives less than year after that. My DH was/is a great grandpa. We made it a routine to take the girls out to breakfast at least twice a month, have them over for dinners and made the holidays special by creating special memories with them. When they turned 18 and 20 that bond especially for me became harder and harder to maintain. I considered myself a grandma to them of sort. When 2020 (Covid) came, maintaining that bond became even more difficult for my DH and I. Then I heard a few things about them mocking the caution their grandpa and I were trying to implement, which really disappointed us both. But, even precovid it was getting harder to coordinate anything with them. I've reached the point that I invest my energy, love and "help" in those that appreciate it. You need to be careful that you don't develop a "transactional relationship" with them otherwise you'll only hear from them when they need something from you.
As harsh as this sounds, you
As harsh as this sounds, you have to stop looking at SS's kids as your GKs. You've been divorced for 6 years. Has your XW remarried? Is your SS's BioDad in the picture? What about the XGF's parents? The GKs may have a lot of love and support already from blood-related folks, and they are going to take priority over you (sorry to say).
The thing is, while you may think that they need you, they aren't reaching out to you for help. That sucks to say and probably hurts to hear, but this relationship is really only continuing because you want it to and either SS is too polite to end it or he is only in it for the cash/gifts.
Stepkids are in-laws. When you get divorced, you tend to lose your in-laws. It's hard to see it that way when you help raise and care for SKs, but the primary bond is one of marriage. Most in-law relationships fizzle after divorce, and SKs aren't likely to be much different.
I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. If you want to offer support through the funeral, go for it. But for your own mental health, it may be good to drop the rope. If SS wants a relationship, he knows where you are. If he doesn't, then all you're doing is postponing the inevitable while getting used for your cash.
Agree with LD
And those innocents (SS's kids) will soon be PASed out against you if it hasn't started already.
I skipped an annual fun work-related software vendor conference (the last one I would have gone to since I'm leaving this job next month) in a nice area (albeit Hurricane Ian) mainly because it was held in the town that my DS's dad's family lives in. I was divorced from his dad and he eventually passed away from alcoholism.
As an ex inlaw, I would slowly back away from this relationship in light of the fact that they have no intention of maintaining it on their end.
You have to take care of yourself.
I assume based on your tag line that you are divorced from your SKid's mother.
While I appreciate your care for SS and the GSkids, SS's effort does not warrant your dedication. He is an adult. Make him be one.
Put the onus on him. Repsond to his effort. He certainly isn't responding to your. The GSkids need their dad. If dad is worthy, he will engage with you. If not, sadly you cannot rescue his half orphaned spawn.
"Skid, if you want an effort from me, you have to make one. I will match your effort but this relationships future is on you."
Then step back and let him figure it out. One way or the other.
You have to take care of yourself.
I assume based on your tag line that you are divorced from your SKid's mother.
While I appreciate your care for SS and the GSkids, SS's effort does not warrant your dedication. He is ostensibly an adult. Make him be one.
Put the onus on him. Repsond to his effort. He certainly isn't responding to yours. The GSkids need their dad. If dad is worthy of you, he will engage with you. If not, sadly you cannot rescue his half orphaned spawn. Not that he is widowed, he may eventually wake up. I hope that is the case for all of you.
"Skid, if you want an effort from me, you have to make one. I will match your effort but this relationship's future is on you."
Then step back and let him figure it out. One way or the other.