Yes, 2Tired I totally know what you mean. I have a non-hostile relationship with my SSs and have disengaged somewhat and have totally disengaged from SDs to make my life easier. Usually I plan a dinner and make arrangements to spend time with the skids to celebrate Christmas and to be sure we are able to give the gkids their gifts but this year I decided not to do any planning and step back and let the skids come to us with plans or whether they even want to get together. I told my DH this last night that my new way of thinking is if I don't get all excited and have high expectations for the holiday than I won't be disappointed and hurt when they crap all over us and don't show any appreciation for us etc. But a side effect of this is that I'm feeling depressed rather than excited and happy for the holidays. I have other holiday things going on this year and I'm focusing all my energy and thoughts on those to keep me in the upbeat holiday spirit. But you are right having a polite but distant relationship with skids doesn't necessarily make the holidays that much more pleasant. But like you said, we should count our blessings that we don't have the challenges that others have expressed here on the boards and THAT is a true gift

i hope your holidays turn out beautiful for you and yours im praying the same for mine i usually plan a dinner also and invite everyone this year im doing a dinner with my husband and our 2 lil ones and if anyone else shows up they show up i give up on asking i usually get uhh i dunno's or maybe?? im sure everything will fall into place and christmas will be good thank you...

Maybe you could be the one to say it? Get it off your chest. I would love to stand up during a holiday dinner and scream to my sister-in-laws, "why are you here complaining about everything when you could go to your family's homes and be happier." But I don't...ever. I know my brothers would kill me and then I'd never get to see nieces and nephews.

Interesting holiday blues in my house involve SD who has mostly ignored me in between bouts of rudeness. I used to ask her to speak to me or address me whenever she over to visit, but after 3 years of turmoil in our relationship because of her, I got tired of trying to get her father to ask her be respectful to me. He tried for a while, but when she resisted, he gave up trying. Now, I've given up and I just ignore her back. She only visits maybe 3 or 4 times a year and doesn't stay over anymore because it's so awkward. This past year, she's been complaining to him that the only way he can keep me in his life is to be distant from her. She just cannot make the connection that you can't treat people rude and expect them to want to be around you. :? She feels entitled to behave however she wants without consequence and has gotten pissed that I won't tolerate her BS. My DH is stuck in the middle because she now has a son and another child on the way. He is nuts about his grandson, but she often keeps him away or says that he can't some spend the weekend unless she comes too. Sucks! She usually comes for the holiday day, then goes home, but this year she is asking him if her, her boyfriend, and her son can stay for Christmas Eve. I love the grandson, but can't stand the mother or the boyfriend.

When my husband asked, I immediately said NO. I keep my mouth shut and I don't say a word when she comes over for holiday dinners, but I am apalled that she would even think that she can sleep under my roof when you can't even say hello to me when you come into my home! :jawdrop: DH really doesn't like his daughter either, but he plays the game with her because of not wanting to get cut of from his grandson. The day after I told him no, he came back and said that it wasn't because he wanted her to be able to spend the night, he wants to see his grandson open toys on Christmas morning (trying to guilt trip me with a change of story!). I told him that he'll still see his grandson open toys when they come for Christmas dinner! Surprisingly, DH is sticking to getting his way this time. I can't help wondering if she poured some heavy duty guilt on him, but I still said NO. Now he is threatening to go to her house and spend Christmas with her. It makes me very sad and very angry that he is in this position.

Now, DH is mad at me because he says that he has every right to want his daughter and grandson to be welcome under our roof just like my family comes and spends the weekend, etc.

It's not the same thing, because though I don't have kids, my neices, nephews, sister, and brother love him and they treat him very kindly, with reverance and an abundance of respect. He loves them and enjoys them as well. SS lives out of state and has been initially rude on the phone in earlier years, but can now at least not be ugly to me. I can tolerate this, and although I don't like SS, I tolerate it if he stays with us when he visits. While he is very dismissive and disengaged, I can deal because he is not disrespectful to me. Both of DH's children have problems with him. I don't think they care any more for him than what he can do for them. They ask him to finance cars, loan money, help them out with whatever their issues are, but they don't acknowledge him for fathers day, christmas, birthdays, etc. They are not nice kids and I get so frightened wondering what the rest of my life looks like if I have to deal with them.

I feel like just chucking it all and divorcing him. Half of our relationship has been fighting over SD and I don't know if I can take anymore. I get angry that he doesn't stand up for me and that he won't stand up for himself. Mostly, I feel helpless for our future together, as the more grandkids she produces, the more power she will have over my husband.

My therapist says that I am doing the healthy thing by trying to protect myself and by refusing to ruin my own Christmas by having to put up with her for 2 days. My compromise of tolerating her, disrespectful as she is, for Christmas day only is an appropriate gesture. Unfortunately, my husband seems to taking the stand that it's all or nothing - She stays for both days or he goes to her house. I want to tell him "Merry Christmas. My family and I will miss you!" but I'm resisting the urge to be sarcastic. Laughing to keep from crying.

I know exactly where you are coming from. I am sorry your efforts are not appreciated - neither were mine! But you know, my conclusion is, life is too short to allow others to make me miserable. So my answer is to spend a lot of time over the holidays with people i love and who love me back. No more wasting any time planning anything for skids this year - last year we had a banquet for them, only to have them display their usual passive aggressive bordering on aggressive-agressive tricks. This time it is going to be the banquest of consequences! Instead of fretting what they are going to like, what not, i am inviting friends who i enjoy cooking for. I will buy gifts for people i love. Your bunch sounds emotionally constipated. Let them be... i agree that an open confrontation sounds better than the silent grumpiness but it will be awkward to start one on Xmas day. Invite people over that you know know how to be joyful! Even together with your skids and let your hair down. Have fun and ignore their sour faces.

I feel for you. I put up with what you are putting up with for 8 years. Then the she devil had a baby. At the hospital instead of accepting my gift she turned away and stared at her mattress. DH was told two weeks later if he wanted to see his grandchild then he had to leave me.

Now may I add I have done nothing but bend over backwards to make my husbands children feel welcome in my home in spite if them doing their dam best to make sure that I felt like an unwelcome and uninvited guest in my own home like you no hello and no goodbye.

Like you even after all if this for the sake of my FIL who was upset about it I agreed she could come here but she needed to apologize for her previous behavior. DH refused to tell her that I wanted let alone deserved an apology.

Your husband like mine used the your family come here argument. To which my response was if my children treated you once the way yours have treated me for years you would make damn sure they never felt welcome here again. You would be so embarrassingly rude to them and you'd think you had every right to so they would never come back.

You are right and you should stand your ground. Your husband is at fault here for allowing his daughter to be so rude. I can pretty much guarantee that if she treated a member of his family a friend or even a co worker the way she treats you, he would die of Shame and he would pull her into line. Yet he does nothing when she treats you this way. His silence to her is approval. He is a bigger problem than she is.

I will never have Sd in my home as long as I live. DH can deal with that the same way he told me for years to deal with her insulting humiliating and ignoring me. Just shut up and take it.

You can't rollerskate in a buffalo herd. You can't take a shower in a parakeet cage, you can't change film with a kid on your back
But you can be happy if you put your mind to it. Knuckle down buckle down , All you gotta do is do it do it do it.
Roger Miller song. Lines.

You are blue because your skids are a disappointing drag, you have to put up with ugly PA people and DH doesn't have your back. You could stop trying to make things nice for the ungrateful wretches and let DH handle his family. I think this is the year we all should quietly take our lives and self-esteem back. It starts with telling DH to start taking care of his own kids and disengaging (I do so love that concept).

Or, maybe you should liven things up. Take an extra rum ball or a nip of eggnog and start a holiday brawl. Tell DH's family what you think of them (in the most polite terms of course, after all, it is the Holiday). At least it wouldn't be boring.

My SD41 used to take our gifts, look at them, smirk and set them down like there was poop all over them. Sometimes she made a remark, sometimes not. I don't think I ever saw her use, wear or like anything we gave her except for money. She loves money.

If she shows up this year (and we know she will), I don't want to give her money, I want DH to get her gifts (oopsies DH, I'm disengaged, so I can't buy her anything-so solly). Since I always bought the gifts before, she'll think I picked them and do her "Jerky Smirk The Assclown" routine. I hope DH enjoys seeing his honest efforts being mocked like mine used to be. I'll be laughing (on the inside).

Here is my idea of livening things up and getting some comic relief from the skid: If SD pulls that BS about mocking her gifts, I want to reach over and snatch the gift out of her hand and say, "Oh I'm sorry you don't like this, here I'll get rid of it for you". Smile sweetly. And don't give it back. I'd take it to my room, put it in there and shut the door. Come back and say in a cheerful voice "there, problem solved". Don't return it and give them the money, etc. Keep it or return it and use the money to buy yourself something nice. LOL! I'm so dying to do that. That would seriously make my day if I could do that, the looks on their faces would be priceless!

Something else I think would be funny would be to buy myself something nice (SD doesn't buy me or our kids gifts) and mark it from SD. Then open it, act surprised and say "How did you know?, It is just what I wanted!". In a sincere voice. I'll have to practice being sincere.

Krispey, I just love your ideas! Boy, am I glad I'm disengaged! Since SD won't have anything to do with us my guess is we won't hear anything from her. YEAH!!!! It is such a relief to know I don't have to unwrap a piece of crap, in wrapping she got out of my closet of course, (or in most cases received nothing)and fake a smile, try to be gracious. It's been two years since I've seen the narcissistic twit. I've grown a heck of a lot stronger and more resolved not to be bothered with her but GEE! It would have been 'priceless' to see the expression on her face when, after I had that extra sip of wine, I told her just what I thought of her.

Krispykreme I'm eith you. This will be the happiest Christmas I've had in years. Funny how this just happens to be the first time in my life I've had any self respect. Ironically this also turns out to be the first ever Chrisymas without DH's family and the drama and upset that they bring to the table. I'm looking forward to many more Christmasses just like it.

Come on ladies. Let the mutiny begin. Should be fun.

yes very much so - definitely have the holiday blues. i haven't even decorated the house. I honestly don't even want to, or care to. I don't care if I wrap their gifts, do a dinner, or any of the usual stuff that I have in the past. It's always me doing everything for a bunch of ungrateful brats. Oh sure, yes they say thank you -- but sure there are complaints peppered in there for good measure. I had for several years bought them pajamas every year -- but SS complains every year "oh are you getting us pajamas this year" in this stupid pain in the arse voice. So this year -- no pajamas, no slippers. Nothing that is sentimental of any sort.

A devotional book that I bought for all the kids last year -- I found that in SD17's trash just the other day. I wrote something very nice in it, told her "I love you" and there it was, in her trash. Nice. So I fished it out of her trash, ripped the page that I had wrote on, crumpled it up and threw it on her bedroom floor. I'll keep the blooming book. My DH's response? "Well, maybe you should just not buy her devotionals, she's obviously not into them." wow. Okay.

So yes, holiday blues are definitely hitting me huge.

I thought my daughter might be coming on Friday, and she said she would help me decorate -- but her Grandpa passed away yesterday -- so now she is dealing with that. She's been at college, so I've been missing her terribly too -- so I'm just around SD17, SS19, and SS22, and not even my own daughter.

I just don't care.

yes very much so - definitely have the holiday blues. i haven't even decorated the house. I honestly don't even want to, or care to. I don't care if I wrap their gifts, do a dinner, or any of the usual stuff that I have in the past. It's always me doing everything for a bunch of ungrateful brats. Oh sure, yes they say thank you -- but sure there are complaints peppered in there for good measure. I had for several years bought them pajamas every year -- but SS complains every year "oh are you getting us pajamas this year" in this stupid pain in the arse voice. So this year -- no pajamas, no slippers. Nothing that is sentimental of any sort.

A devotional book that I bought for all the kids last year -- I found that in SD17's trash just the other day. I wrote something very nice in it, told her "I love you" and there it was, in her trash. Nice. So I fished it out of her trash, ripped the page that I had wrote on, crumpled it up and threw it on her bedroom floor. I'll keep the blooming book. My DH's response? "Well, maybe you should just not buy her devotionals, she's obviously not into them." wow. Okay.

So yes, holiday blues are definitely hitting me huge.

I thought my daughter might be coming on Friday, and she said she would help me decorate -- but her Grandpa passed away yesterday -- so now she is dealing with that. She's been at college, so I've been missing her terribly too -- so I'm just around SD17, SS19, and SS22, and not even my own daughter.

I just don't care.

yes very much so - definitely have the holiday blues. i haven't even decorated the house. I honestly don't even want to, or care to. I don't care if I wrap their gifts, do a dinner, or any of the usual stuff that I have in the past. It's always me doing everything for a bunch of ungrateful brats. Oh sure, yes they say thank you -- but sure there are complaints peppered in there for good measure. I had for several years bought them pajamas every year -- but SS complains every year "oh are you getting us pajamas this year" in this stupid pain in the arse voice. So this year -- no pajamas, no slippers. Nothing that is sentimental of any sort.

A devotional book that I bought for all the kids last year -- I found that in SD17's trash just the other day. I wrote something very nice in it, told her "I love you" and there it was, in her trash. Nice. So I fished it out of her trash, ripped the page that I had wrote on, crumpled it up and threw it on her bedroom floor. I'll keep the blooming book. My DH's response? "Well, maybe you should just not buy her devotionals, she's obviously not into them." wow. Okay.

So yes, holiday blues are definitely hitting me huge.

I thought my daughter might be coming on Friday, and she said she would help me decorate -- but her Grandpa passed away yesterday -- so now she is dealing with that. She's been at college, so I've been missing her terribly too -- so I'm just around SD17, SS19, and SS22, and not even my own daughter.

I just don't care.

yes very much so - definitely have the holiday blues. i haven't even decorated the house. I honestly don't even want to, or care to. I don't care if I wrap their gifts, do a dinner, or any of the usual stuff that I have in the past. It's always me doing everything for a bunch of ungrateful brats. Oh sure, yes they say thank you -- but sure there are complaints peppered in there for good measure. I had for several years bought them pajamas every year -- but SS complains every year "oh are you getting us pajamas this year" in this stupid pain in the arse voice. So this year -- no pajamas, no slippers. Nothing that is sentimental of any sort.

A devotional book that I bought for all the kids last year -- I found that in SD17's trash just the other day. I wrote something very nice in it, told her "I love you" and there it was, in her trash. Nice. So I fished it out of her trash, ripped the page that I had wrote on, crumpled it up and threw it on her bedroom floor. I'll keep the blooming book. My DH's response? "Well, maybe you should just not buy her devotionals, she's obviously not into them." wow. Okay.

So yes, holiday blues are definitely hitting me huge.

I thought my daughter might be coming on Friday, and she said she would help me decorate -- but her Grandpa passed away yesterday -- so now she is dealing with that. She's been at college, so I've been missing her terribly too -- so I'm just around SD17, SS19, and SS22, and not even my own daughter.

I just don't care.