Hello all - I'm sorry this is really long.

I'm having a rough time with this at the moment. I've read Divorce Poison, all the online resources, but they're not much of a comfort to me in current daily life.

BM poisoned OSD against me when she was 7/8. We had a bumpy year, but eventually we got a sort of pleasantish relationship back up and running. There were some mini-wife issues too due to DH having transferred a bit too much onto her when he and exW were breaking up (well before I was on the scene), which he has worked on and virtually all of that has gone away. BM told OSD that I was the reason daddy didn't live at home anymore, that they had no money (unbelievable considering - but whole other topic!!), and that I was probably a paedophile (she also insinuated this in solicitors letters), and got OSD to the point where she was frightened to give me a hug as it was 'inappropriate'.

Now she's getting into teenager years, and she knows she can talk to me openly and without judgement about things that are going on at school and with friends, and things have calmed down. We're not nearly as close as we were on course to be, but I'll take stability and a sense of friendliness.

They are both banned from talking about their home life (mainly as we have discovered BM has lied significantly about her money, plans, business, means and relationship since day one - even on court documents during the divorce - meaning there's no way she'd have got such an incredibly generous settlement if my DH had known the truth. Even our lawyers say he walked out with only the clothes on his back as she got everything). So we know almost nothing about their lives during the week as they are petrified of her, so won't talk about anything they've done on "her private time" (her words).

What's really upsetting me is my rapidly deteriorating relationship with YSD. We were so close. Her BM really resents her as she has some mild developmental delay and isn't 'perfect' like her golden child elder sister. As a result she is desperate for love, and clung to me like a life raft from almost the moment we met. I was very softly-softly on meeting them as I didn't want to tread on toes, overstep, etc, but she threw herself at me.

BM didn't really care as long as they are away from her every weekend, but recently things started to change. She started telling YSD that she isn't allowed to speak to me on the phone when DH calls her (which I don't anyway, as we learnt years ago that they got shouted at for talking to me, and BM listens on speaker), that she comes to see Daddy and *not* me (which confused her, and now she's terrified to be left alone with me for even ten minutes if DH pops to the shops for me that she sobs that she needs to go with him in case BM finds out), that she is specifically instructed that she doesn't have to do anything I say at all - very much encouraged to be defiant, and most recently that she is supposed to "ignore" me completely. She's so upset by all of this, and it's heartbreaking to watch.

Whilst biting our tongues, we've carefully never ever said anything bad about BM. We've tried to start addressing it as it was getting out of control by saying that mummy can say whatever she likes at her house, but it stops at our front door and what daddy & I say in our house is what goes on here, that we have to be nice to each other, that we don't tell her to "ignore" mummy's boyfriend and nobody is going to 'tell' on her to mummy if she doesn't act nastily towards me. She seemed to cheer up quite a bit after we all talked about it, but I can tell it's impacting on our relationship, and I can already see her going down the same path as her sister.

I was never under any illusion that they are my children, or I am replacing BM ever. But I'm utterly devastated that the close semi-familial relationship is starting to be replaced with a slightly cold, impersonal but friendly one with both of them.

My DH has no understanding of how lonely I now feel. It's like a door has been slammed shut in my heart as I need to protect myself from the hurt of caring about them too much. The problem is our entire lives revolve around them. Like I said we have them every weekend, my DH works long hours in the week, and we never really have any couple time as he wont consider babysitters at the weekend ever (this is an absolute red line for him), and on the odd night it is just us, all he wants to do is stare at the tv (if I'm really lucky we go to the cinema, but to me that's just a bigger screen, so what's the difference).

I suppose there is no advice, but as I'm suffering very badly from anxiety, stress and depression due to major flat/work/disability/life stuff going on that I've exhausted all Nhs help for, I can feel myself sinking...

Has anyone else dealt with a situation where the PAS was aimed at you as the SM rather than at DH? BM here wouldn't dare aim it at DH as she knows she might not get all her lovely child free weekends. To me it's her getting her cake & eating it - in her words she gets every weekend "off" from being a mother while I do all the hard work, and she gets them to make the weekends miserable for me by getting the children to inflict her attitude onto me. I have no family or friends, and am disabled, so there aren't other options for me at weekends.