How do you know if you're having a breakdown?
I'm genuinely asking...
Since Monday morning when I asked my FDH to remember that I exist at weekends when the children are here, he's treating me as though I am the very worst person in the world. He has totally withdrawn all physical and emotional affection. Really careful not to call me any pet names or tell me he loves me. Just a cursory "love you too" if I say it, no hugs, no proper kisses (just the quickest peck before going to work), no chatting, no conversation, nothing. Just the bare minimum of human interaction. Being really careful not to touch me or brush past me.
I can barely breathe. It feels like I've been having one long panic attack all week. I've eaten almost nothing as it makes me throw up, my digestive system has gone to pieces, I can't sleep, I'm shaking, my heart feels like it's jumping out of my chest, I can't stop crying one minute - then feel totally disconnected from reality the next. I've had to sleep in the skids room all week as I can't bear to sleep next to someone who is emitting "I hate you right now" vibes. He knows full well that this is due to how he's treating me, but seems to act as though it's all my fault as I said something he didn't like in the first place.
He won't talk to me about the underlying issue (which we supposedly 'resolved' by email in the week). I've made him forget himself a couple of times and got him chatting/smiling - but then he remembers that I am enemy number one and goes all sullen & withdrawn again.
I know that this behaviour is designed to get me to capitulate and take back everything I've said about asking him to meet my needs by creating just a little emotional space for me at the weekends when we have SDs, and also to punish me for having dared question his priorities.
What do I do to cope / bring him around?? And please don't say 'just leave' (I understand why you might, but it is definitely not an option right now).
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Comments
I agree, make your own plans
I agree, make your own plans and enjoy yourself. Do something that makes you feel good and relaxes you. I go to the gym a lot, have drinks with friends, mani's, pedi's, get your hair done, get a cup of coffee and walk around a store you like, get a massage, take a walk, read a book, see a movie.
I'll never understand why men ignore their wives when the kids are around. How will the kids grow up to be loving partners if they don't see affection around them. Hugging and kissing (not going overboard obviously) are good things for kids to see.
O no, I was hoping he would
O no, I was hoping he would have stopped that childish and hurtful behaviour by now.Poor you.But in all your pain you are still smart in understanding why he does that to you- to capitulate and take it all back.I am amazed how manipulative and narcisstic this guy is- he treats you like shit inspite of seeing you shattered and upset!!What you need is understanding, a loving conversation and plenty of hugs- a good man would give that to you instead of "punishing " you for speaking up for yourself one time.
Sorry, not good enough, you deserve better.we all do.
Honestly if he is doing it to
Honestly if he is doing it to punish you, rather than because he is genuinely struggling in the relationship, then I would describe that behaviour as emotionally abusive. Your high stress reaction and feeling that he is doing it to control you certainly suggests that it is abusive. If you get upset or beg him to talk to you he will have won his game and will continue to use it as a tactic, causing you huge stress long term. I would suggest you read up on emotionally abusive behaviour and avoid him until he snaps out of it, if you do that a few times it may be enough to stop the behaviour but it depends how deliberate it is. Ultimately a tit for tat battle of avoiding and ignoring each other is not a viable way to live, and I know because I have lived it with my husband. You need him to understand that that behaviour is disfunctional and abusive and address it, otherwise the likelihood is that it will continue.
It does sound like a
It does sound like a "punishment". I agree with the others about making plans for you this weekend. Do you have a girlfriend you can catch a movie with or lunch- just something to get you out of the house and away from it all?
My DH used to do that a lot
My DH used to do that a lot when we first got married. If he was ever in a mood or we had a fight, he would withdraw all types of affection. I used to cling to any break in it and hope it meant he was getting over it. Those were terrible times.
I used to wait it out. I tried not to be home much, and usually after a week or two, he would be back to normal. Since you know he's trying to get you to cave, don't do it! You'll have gone through all this for nothing!
Now my DH doesn't even say he loves me anymore (ok, on the big occasions he will), and we're much less openly affectionate, but things are much more stable and he really doesn't do things like that anymore. While I miss some of the old feelings, I much prefer how it is now.
Thank you all for giving me
Thank you all for giving me such constructive advice
I appreciate it.
I moved with him away from all friends & family to be closer to the skids, so I don't have anyone nearby to make any plans with to get out. Also, as I'm not working due to a serious injury, and he's overcommitted in terms of spousal support (way over and above child support), our budget is unbelievably tight - other than the load he puts aside for skids at the weekend (other than mortgage it's where the vast majority of money goes...£200 every w/e on all the best food plus at least another £200 every w/e for activities/shopping/more toys/etc as they must be entertained every moment to 'make up' for BM's treatment of them), there is nothing left over for me to go shopping, movies, coffee, hair (BM's is done every month with brand new clothes every time I see her - I look bedraggled by comparison), beauty treatments etc.
I feel it's stale mate at the moment. If I pointed out to him that this is abusive (particularly, as you say, with him being very aware of the high stress reaction it engenders in me), I'd make it a thousand times worse...
Not backing down though!!!!
I used to have severe panic
I used to have severe panic attacks. I know how frightening they can be.
Your DH is being cruel and insensitive. You know this, I'm not going harp on it.
First, and this sounds simplistic, BREATHE. If you feel an attack coming on, try to do deep breathing and focus on nothing but the breathing.
Second, the other posters are absolutely correct, you need to keep yourself occupied and as busy as possible. Play to your strengths. Are you into music? Play your favorite upbeat or calming music. Put on earbuds and shut out the world except for the song. Are you into crafts or have a hobby? Throw yourself into creativity. Animal lover? There is a reason why animals are used as comfort objects during natural disasters and crises. Volunteer somewhere where you can put your energies into helping others and not look at your own problems for a while. Are you a reader? Read an old favorite or a new title that will take you out of your world for a while. Movies can do the same thing. Spend time with your extended family or friends with the strict condition that you do not discuss DH or the kids.
Are you religious? If you believe in God, pray. Ask Him to take this burden off your shoulders and give you peace. Repeat the 23rd Psalm to yourself. Or my personal fave that's kept me from freaking out many a time: Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
Remember this: WHAT YOU ARE ASKING FOR IS NOT UNREASONABLE. YOU ARE ASKING FOR COMMON COURTESY AND ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED AS A WIFE NOT A NANNY OR CONVENIENCE.
If your DH wants to throw a pouty temper tantrum like my 7 yr old daughter does, let him. You have asked for something he should give you anyway.
Hang in there - you're going to be okay, I promise
I'm sorry you are dealing
I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
Well, the good news is that you aren't married to this man. Let me tell you that things don't change and unless you want a lifetime of feeling left out and deeply hurt you should leave while you can and go find some great guy without so much baggage. It only gets worse.
Been there done that. Save yourself.
You don't have to have
You don't have to have someone around in order to do things YOU want to do on the weekends the skids are around. If you don't have your DH around glaring and ignoring you, you'd probably feel a lot better.
It is tough and sounds illogical, but the LESS you care, the more he will.
It sounds like he really has
It sounds like he really has you backed into a corner. You have given up your support network so he can prioritise time with his children, a huge sacrifice, and rather than him doing everything in his power to make that worthwhile for you and prioritise your needs the way you have prioritised his, you are expected to accept financial sacrifices to serve his children as well. Those sacrifices not only cause justified resentment they deprive you of an outlet for the inevitable stresses of life as a stepparent, and life as the partner of someone who clearly does not handle conflict in a healthy way. SituationalTourettes makes some great suggestions for free ways to find an outlet, but longer term you should really consider whether this relationship is good for you, or just good for him.