http://youtu.be/x__UISHl9MU

Wow. Just listened to this radio programme on a study of the effects of ostracism. It's aimed at family estrangement / workplace bullying etc, but it has some powerful things to say about what we go through as step mothers.

The key findings are that we are biologically hard wired to feel incredible pain when we are ostracised from a group. Ie when we are the outsiders from our DHs and the skids in their little bubble we feel it very intensely and painfully. As a result of that pain, humans become even more perceptive at picking up on very tiny slights to exclude us further, that other people would not even notice (sound familiar??). The penultimate stage is we then try over the top approaches to be liked and accepted by the group that is ignoring us, like maybe bending over backwards to be liked (super stepmother syndrome perhaps), and finally we reach the point of detaching and actually becoming quite harsh with those who have ostracised us.

This seemed to explain very strongly to me at least how damaging it is when DHs & skids form their own little unit to exclude us (particularly when any element of guilty daddy/mini wife dynamics are involved), and the painful and predictable outcomes it produces.

Enormous resonance with me, but I'd be interested if it affected others in the same way.