This shit again
Last week SS16 had his first boxing match. And the gf slept over because it was too late for her to take the train home. She left the next afternoon, after I kept asking SO to ask them what time she planned on leaving.
Today after the boys get back from their visit with their mom, SS16 asked SO if it was ok that his gf come over for half an hour to 45 minutes. It was 6ish, SO said it was fine. When SS16 left the kitchen, I told SO he needed to communicate and ask him what time she planned to leave and how she was getting home being that it's like 10 degrees outside. So he spoke with him in private. It was close to 9pm when SS16 left to pick up his gf. As he's walking out, SO asked him what his plans were. SS16 said he would go get her from the train station and she would "stay for a bit". SO said it was fine.
When he left, I asked SO why he didn't clarify what a bit meant. It's 9pm, we don't live in the best area. How is she getting home? I also asked him if he didn't see a problem with her arriving at 9pm when that's the time guests should be leaving. He began to shut down and not respond because he knew I was frustrated.
I started doing to him what one poster suggested last time, calling him grandpa. And telling him to get ready because this is where he's headed. He stood quiet and I knew he was upset. I apologized and told him I didn't mean to offend him, I just think he's handling this completely wrong because he's not communicating clearly. Instead of asking why she's coming late, and stating a time she should be leaving by, he's very ambiguous and says ok to everything. In my opinion these kids could try to say the train stopped running or something just to try to have another sleepover.
SO just doesn't get it. I told him that this decision, if it ends up with a pregnancy, is not only going to affect SS16, but him, and SS10 and DD1 and me. He then accuses me of overreacting. Now he's trying to make conversation with me like if this situation is normal.
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Comments
I don't care if the skid is
I don't care if the skid is not your child and of course neither is the GF. I'd be sitting them both down and explaining to them the consequences (dire) of bringing a baby into the world. BC is readily available and effective. Only f*cking morons have sex with no BC.
Letting 2 teens spend the night together and expecting no sex is like putting a dog in heat in a room with an unneutered male dog and assuming that no breeding will take place.
I do not hate babies - had a very cute one over two nights ago (not SS's child). But I put a lot of effort and sacrifice into NOT producing little bastards - so I'll be damned if I am going to take care of those produced by others.
Why can't she take the train
Why can't she take the train or a cab home?
There's no reason why SS can't walk her to the train station,then one of her parents, brothers,cousins...meet her at her stop and walk her home. Or hell, she can take cab from the station to her house.
I did just that tonight. I spent $9 in a cab because I did not want to walk 5 blocks(3 of them short blocks). It's so damn cold that I didn't even bother arguing with the driver for charging that much.
Unless that girl just moved to NYC and doesn't know how to travel by train, there's no reson for her to have to n stay overnight. Where are her parents?
She lives in Jersey, so the
She lives in Jersey, so the commute is longer and probably safer to do earlier in the day. SS usually takes her to 42nd then doubles back.
Maybe the time has come to
Maybe the time has come to lay down some house rules. All guests must arrive by 6pm and leave no later than 9pm. The only exception is if there is a prior arrangement with at least 48 hrs notice. No more "oh it is too late...." No it isn't too late for a cab. Then SS16 can work off the cost.
Thanks Sue, I will do that.
Thanks Sue, I will do that. For the life of me I don't know why sometimes I get caught up arguing and can't see the most obvious solution. It's not even just for DD or me, if you look at my blogs, SS11 has issues with authority and his behavior and I don't know that seeing his brother's gf sleep in his room is healthy for him.
When we were talking last night SO asked me what I would have done about the blizzard situation when SS was supposed to fight the first time and he wanted gf to stay over. I told him I would not have allowed it. He doesn't get it, Sue.
Maybe remind DH that if SS
Maybe remind DH that if SS gets this girl pregnant, he'll be responsible for child support? With paternity tests nowadasy, teenage boys no longer get a free pass. We've already talked to our boys about this, and how it could ruin their chances to go to college... and they're still tweens!
Once DH wakes up to what's going on, explain the dangers to SS (complete with info about HIV). If this doesn't work, say "no sex in this house" and remove the door to his room.
Btw, where are the girl's parents in all of this? You could grab the phone when she's talking to them and tell them about your concerns, is she lying and saying she's staying with a friend?. Maybe have them pay for a cab.
I agree with all of the posts
I agree with all of the posts about setting boundaries. If we allow teens to have their gf/bf stay over and live the way adults do, what incentive is there for them to grow up and move out?
I see so many friends with teens putting no restrictions on them. If I could have done would I wanted and had someone else take care of me, goodness knows where I would be now.
The great thing about being an adult and moving out is you get to decide when guests come and go, how late you stay up, how much media you consume. I think it is important to set strong boundaries so a child will want to grow up.
I had a friend whose parents told him when he graduated college that he could stay one month for 100 dollars, 2 months it would be 200, and so on..
Thank you all for responding.
Thank you all for responding. I am going to encourage SO to continue to talk to SS16 about sex, relationships, and responsibilities. And I'm going with Sue's advice also and setting a time for guests to go. I think this is the easiest and most effective way to handle it. The only issue I foresee with this is that the gf sometimes gets a ride home from her best friend's mother, and the woman hangs out until sometimes 2-3am. Then again sometimes she's done by midnight. But the point is it's inconsistent and there needs to be a time she leaves, otherwise there's going to be continuing sleepovers.
Gf does not have a relationship with her father, I don't think he was involved in raising her. Her mother is usually working and seems to be ok with the sleepovers. I don't get that part, seeing as she has her teenage son living with her along with his child and gf. But different strokes for different folks I guess.