"My wife" doesn't mean me :-(
Hi - I'm sorry if this is a bit rambly, but I'll try to make it short!
My DH and BM have been separated for 6 years, divorced for 4 and we've been married for nearly 2, but this still happens from time to time and cuts like a knife.
This is a woman he loathes, wanted to leave (and asked her several times for a divorce over the years before he finally left - not for me I might add, although she has retconned history that I was the OW).
For example, the most recent event. Youngest SD requires a lot of interaction between him and school / health professionals, etc. On Friday, about an hour before the skids turn up for the weekend, he emails the school angry about some form that "his wife" has sent in and not told him about. Of course he is referring to his ex....He cc'd me not because I'm nosy, but as the school knows me and that I have a good relationship with youngest SD, and like my input on her emotional development.
He does this, usually in moments of stress or upset, and when I mention it upsets me, I get my head bitten off (mostly because he knows it's wrong, so goes overboard on being defensive).
I was really hurt on Friday by this, but didn't want to pick a fight before the children walked in, as we don't get to sit together, speak to each other, have any "us time", etc for the full 48 hours they're here, and if we fall out just before they arrive, he is all over them with affection, while I just want to hide and cry. So I said nothing, but he's definitely noticed I've been a bit withdrawn... I can't say anything now as the moment has passed, but I'm still very hurt by it. The saddest thing is that it definitely affects how I feel about him, and he'll never really know just how much I used to adore him, and how things like this just rub the edges off.
I don't know what I'm asking for - maybe if others have experienced similar, how long before it stopped, how to say anything without having a huge row...? Maybe I just needed to tell people who might understand how this feels, as I have no one in real life to talk to about this sort of relationship stuff, in which case, thank you for listening.
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Comments
Kick him in the nuts when he
Kick him in the nuts when he refers to BM as his wife. Not as severe as slicing them off - although that's what a man deserves who does that.
This is messed up?
This is messed up?
Oh boy have I been there.
Oh boy have I been there. You don't have to mention it right now. Bring it up another time. Tell him how you feel. My DH learned to stop. Hopefully yours can too.
And for what it's worth, I'd have "Replied All" to the email that "DH is in error and means Wilde-beast, not Buffy."
My Dad used to slip up and
My Dad used to slip up and call my SM by my Mom's name. Especially when I was present. Boy was she not happy. As far as the rest goes, he's defensive because he knows he's in the wrong. He needs to feel the sting of doing that and what happens when he does.
I think it's something that
I think it's something that will stop over time, she was his "wife" longer than you've been around, not that you should let it go, but I wouldn't make a big deal about a slip of the tongue, it's not like he actually means it. I think my DH did this once or twice in the early years of our marriage too, and I didn't make it a huge deal, but I definitely tease him about it... and he eventually stopped.
Hmmm he owes you $50 every
Hmmm he owes you $50 every single time he 'slips up'.
OK so she is the child's mother. However referring her to 'his wife' will get confusing for the school. It will also make him look like a fool.
If my DH did that I would charge him $100 and remind him that my wifely duties do not apply because according to his email he is still married to XYZ. So he will be VERY isolated for a while.
it is all very well with a slip of the tongue (I have done that myself). However this is an email. It is like a letter. Yeah, charge him for every slipup.
Silent treatment until he's
Silent treatment until he's willing to realize you mean business.
YES. boy oh boy i'd be pissed
YES.
boy oh boy i'd be pissed as hell. that would probably be enough for me to hand him my wedding rings and say "i think these belong on your wife's hand, not mine."
"I can't say anything now as
"I can't say anything now as the moment has passed, but I'm still very hurt by it." Sure you can still say something. You need to call him on it every time it happens.
I hate to say it, but I think it was worse that it was in writing. Surely he glanced over the email before he sent it? And he still didn't catch the mistake?
My DH called me by the name of his ex once. We were at his family reunion and he introduced me to a distant relative using her name. His Mom was standing close and heard it. He immediately corrected himself and I could tell he was mortified. His Mom made a comment that he was going to pay for that!
He explained that he was thinking about how his ex would never go to his family functions and he was so glad that I had come with him. He was thinking about her right before the introduction and then the slip happened.
I believed him because he was so contrite. He kept apologizing all night. I was hurt and mad - but I did find a little bit of humor in it because of his Mom's reaction. The look on her face was priceless. She didn't know me that well and I think she was afraid of how I was going to react. He has never done it again.
Yes, this completely. Find a
Yes, this completely. Find a calm moment with him, explain that it hurts you when he does this and ask him to be vigilant about it. And I would have replied all on that email message too.
I don't think I've ever called my DH by my ex's name, but I've caught myself about to slip. It's always when I'm mad about something. DH has called me by his ex-wife's name, and did so recently. And we've been married 10 years! But circumstances were similar -- he was upset about something (not with me) and it was a knee-jerk response to that emotion. Sounds like your DH had a similar reaction. I really doubt that if he were dealing with a pleasant situation that he'd make that mistake.
He needs to know how you feel.
This is how I would handle
This is how I would handle it.
This is how I would handle
This is how I would handle it.
Call him by an ex of yours
Call him by an ex of yours and get defensive. When he points out how defensive you got just say now you know how it feels. Sometimes they just don't get it until it happens to them.
I would flip my shit if my DH
I would flip my shit if my DH ever called me Medusa's name.
I would say something to him every time it happens. And, I would wrap up my wedding ring and hand it back to him, telling him he could give it to his "wife" on her next birthday.
But, I am a bitch, sooooooo...
As I've just been at home the
As I've just been at home the last couple of weeks, I haven't worn my ring - I think he might have noticed. There's no silent treatment from me at all, and I know it's me being a bit passive-aggressive, but I didn't feel like wearing it right now...
Since you were copied on the
Since you were copied on the email, why not respond to him by saying "I don't remember sending that form that you speak of in??" Sorry but I could not let that shit go... fight or no fight. What a turd for brains.
I don't think you can't say
I don't think you can't say anything because "the moment is over." In fact, if you bring it up when you are both calm, it might have a better chance of getting through his THICK HEAD.
My DH wasn't married to BM so I never really had to deal with this. There was once, though, when we had to be in court and when the court was reading some stuff, they referred to BM as DH's ex-wife. DH said nothing. I jumped his ass about it. I told him, "You do not HAVE an EX-wife. You have a WIFE! ME!" His excuse was that he didn't want to do/say anything that would have made the hearing take longer but I told him in no uncertain terms that it HURT ME that he didn't correct that mistake.
Thank you to everyone who
Thank you to everyone who replied. I was really thinking that this was something minor that I should just let go, or was getting too upset about. You have all really validated my feelings, and made me feel much less lonely. I appreciate that.
Some of this is my fault. Due to family upbringing, I'm massively conflict avoidant, but also, whenever something like this happens, it takes me a minute to get over the initial feeling of shock before I can address it rationally. The problem is, he thinks if something hasn't been brought up immediately then I should let it go, and not file it away to "throw at him" later. He also has this thing that, because he does so many 'wonderful' things for me (which he has quite a broad definition of), I should balance a slip-up like this against the back drop of how great he is and not burden him with my expectation that he should be "perfect".
He went through counselling with his ex, and says it was a total waste of time, and would never consider it again, but also thinks that as he's had relationship counselling, he thinks he knows everything about relationships and can get quite patronising. Also, when we were dating, if I ever brought up what I thought to be normal relationship issues that couples address/discuss/resolve, he'd threaten to leave me, so I would clam up. The memory of that always stops me opening my mouth...
The difficulty is this sort of thing makes me not want to kiss, hug, touch, never mind be intimate with him. I've had some physical problems in the last couple of weeks (chronic, totally unrelated, but do make me quite dependent on him), but I'm not going to be able to use that as an excuse for much longer. I've done this before where I've bottled something up that I thought I could deal with, and then exploded at a really inpportune moment. Whereupon he gives me the silent treatment for days until I relent, apologise, and promise never to do that again.
I never used to be this spineless....I'm just so tired of work, household skivvy duties all weekend, no relationship time (maybe a movie once every few weeks) and physical pain...
Have you considered therapy
Have you considered therapy for yourself? It might be helpful to find someone who can help you find your own voice. From what you have said, you need to speak up for yourself way more often in this relationship.
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