A little annoyed- Regarding Funeral

I want to start off by saying I am not heartless. Also you really have to know my Ex to probably get the gist of why I am a little annoyed.

Ex is pretty dramatic and an attention seeker. He also enjoys the dramatic stuff in life. Any event to be dramatic, Ex is all for.

Ex doesnt see BS9 very much. Mostly due to he lives 45-60 minutes away, works weekends and doesnt have a car/license. It's hard for him to get a ride to meet half way for pick up/drop off. I will on occasion drive the whole way.

Ex has issues with drinking and accountablity and that is why he is in the situation he is in.

I 100% take care of BS in all aspects of his life. BS goes to his dad's, its like going away to a grandparents for the weekend. He has fun, then he comes home. Ex does get him more in the summer, since its easier for him to take a week day off as opposed to a weekend. But out of 365 days in a year, Ex probably gets him 40? So 10%?

So Ex hasn't seen BS since Christmas. He was supposed to see him a few weekends back but it didnt work out because of BS's wrestling schedule (a tournament got rescheduled) and so it was planned for this weekend.

All BS has talked about the past couple of weeks is how much he misses his dad. He cant wait to see his dad, etc. Honestly I think BS is not only itching to see his dad but also itching for some time away from me and DH as we have all been cooped up in the house. (Bad weather, school closings, etc) And honestly I was looking forward to an adult weekend with DH. Much needed.

So Ex sends me a text. Basically stating he can't get BS because he has a funeral to go to. (His words- "Abe, an older guy, you dont know him, his celebration of life is on Saturday)

Obviously I dont know this person and don't know how close he is to my Ex. Knowing my Ex though its probably not someone who he is super close to. He just likes dramatic events (funeral) and a celebration of life stuff.

I'm a little annoyed and dissapointed that he is missing out on seeing BS.

I get that I dont have all the facts. It's not up to me to determine how he should mourn this person or if this person's celebration of life is more important then Ex seeing his son.

But I feel like his time with his BS is limited anyways, that he should be jumping at the chances to see him.

He's never really cancelled on BS for a reason so I guess I am a little shocked.

Like I said, you would have to know my Ex to understand why I'm a little put off by this. He's always so dramatic about stuff, that its hard to know when its truly serious or worthy of cancelling time with his son.

My first thought was "Is this person's celebration of life (2 hours???) more important then a whole weekend with your son?"

But I would never say that to him. I just said "Sorry for your loss."

And before anyone accuses me of being "that BM", I'm 100% not. My Ex is "that BM". Trust me. Also, its not about me not having my weekend alone with DH. While it's dissapointing, I am used to not counting on BS being gone until he is actually with his dad. I am more dissapointed for my BS who misses his dad. And I am a little confused by Ex's choice.

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Exactly my thoughts. I am

Exactly my thoughts.

I am thinking this "celebration of life" is not your typical calling hours, at a funeral home, etc. It's probably something more social. And that is why I am a little annoyed about it.

BS has been to several funerals with me, so he 100% knows how to act at a funeral.

And I think it bothers me

And I think it bothers me because as a PARENT, I have to make a decision when it comes to BS. I dont get to take the easy way out. like Ex. Like he never has to make the same decisions as I do when it comes to our BS.

Okay I have a funeral I would like to attend. Does it make sense to take BS? If not, then I just dont go. I send my sympathies and I deal with it.

THIS^^^^^ because this is

THIS^^^^^ because this is what "normal" parents do. You PARENT 100% of the time... not EOWE or whenever the mood strikes, or whenever it's convenient.... geesh

Right!

Exactly my experiences with

Exactly my experiences with Ex.

Is he lying? Seems awful

Is he lying? Seems awful convenient that you don't know "Abe"?

I don't know maybe I'm just cynical... but I know that at work, when I am getting ready to lower the boom on my chronic offender parents 98% of the time the excuse I get is "Oh sorry, I had a death in the family" Just had a parent tell me that yesterday (and it was all I could do not to laugh, because either people in her family are dropping like flies, or she just forgets that she already told me that lie like 5 times.)

I have never heard of Abe

I have never heard of Abe before. That is why I am thinking he cant be "that" close to Abe to cancel on his son. Doesn't mean that I know it all. I have just never heard of Abe while we were together or any time after.

I really dont want to think he is lying. Because to me that means something else is going on. Something else is more important to him then spending time with his son. I think that is what bothers me the most.

There is nothing more painful

There is nothing more painful to a mother than watching her child's heart be yanked out of his chest by yet another BioDad no show.
I watched my Bio's go thru this at ages 8 and 5. Hearing my sons sob because deadbeat #1 would leave them dressed waiting for him to show up was literally enough to make me commit serious murder.
Eventually, he just stopped calling and showing up altogether.
It's been 21 years since my 2 older kids have seen or heard from their father.
I'm sorry for you Zero, I know how you feel.

He's normally pretty good

He's normally pretty good about getting him. Granted he doesnt make plans to get him very often, but when he does he always follows through with it.

There was another time kind of recently when I think he told me he couldnt get the ride situation figured out so he wouldnt be able to get BS. I just left it at that. I hope this isnt going to be repeat behavior.

Yeah seriously, I would have

Yeah seriously, I would have told him off.

I'm thinking of texting him

I'm thinking of texting him back and saying more. I thought if I posted here it would be prevent me from texting out of annoyance.

I sent him this text: I'm a

I sent him this text:

I'm a little disappointed that you are chosing a celebration of life that is only a few hours over spending the entire weekend with your son who has really been looking forward to seeing you. He's been to plenty of funerals and knows how to act if you wanted to take him. However as a parent you sometimes have to make choices and miss out on things to be with your kid. If it's a ride issue or work issue I understand. But otherwise I really think you shouldnt dissapoint BS.

He responds back:

I'll see what I can do.

Good, at least now he knows

Good, at least now he knows where you stand on the topic. Hopefully, he does the right thing by your baby boy. Does he attend any of his matches? He's so talented, I wouldn't miss any of his matches if I were him.

Awwww thanks! He's been to

Awwww thanks!

He's been to 1. And that was only because it was in his city. This is BS's 3rd year of wrestling.

BS also plays soccer and flag football. He hasnt been to a soccer game since BS was in Kindergarten, maybe 1st grade. Basically since he moved out of our town, back to his hometown where he currently lives.

That's really too bad. If

That's really too bad. If they only knew how much that means to them. When my ex showed up at a football game for BS17 a few years ago, he introduced his dad to his entire football team & coaches. It was funny because everyone thought DH was his dad, so everyone was like "Oh?!?!? I thought So&So was your dad!"
He adores my DH and considers him his father, but he still really loves seeing his dad. Who by the way, hasn't even met GB and she already turned 6 months old.

At wrestling everyone is

At wrestling everyone is shocked to learn that DH isn't BS's dad.

Oh when Ex turned up at the wrestling tournmanet BS was soooooo happy. He got pinned (had a lost which rarely happens for BS) and he was all smiles still, didnt even cry or complain about it. All because his dad was there and his dad got to see him wrestle.

BS loves loves loves his dad. His dad has been super duper crappy to me and because of how much BS loves his dad I have swept a lot of it under the rug so I can co parent effectively with him.

How come your Ex hasnt wanted

How come your Ex hasnt wanted to see that beautiful little girl? She is just so lovely! Hecks I want to drive to you so I can see her!

Cause he's an idiot. He had

Cause he's an idiot. He had NO PROBLEM showing up at my doorstep a year ago to break the news to me that BS had knocked up some chic but he hasn't ever come back. He hasn't even bought GB a gift or ANYTHING.
And even so, my son adores him. Fascinating isn't it?
LOL, come over! Bring Ipeed!

Here is the short version of

Here is the short version of the text convo:

EX: I have a funeral to attend on sat. are we able to reschedule for another week.

Me:The following weekend he has a wrestling tournment. Sorry about the funeral.

Me: Do you want to keep him just Friday night? Or is the funeral early on Saturday?

Ex: Maybe the week after. Funeral is early, driving arrangement would be difficult.

Me: Who passed away?

Ex: Abe you dont know him old guy celebration of life is on Saturday

Me: Sorry for your loss. BS really misses you.

Ex: I miss him too. I will call tonight around 8 if that is okay.

Me: We are at Zumba at that time.

Ex: Okay I will call soon.

I think I would seriously

I think I would seriously question his excuse. It seems there would of been some way to salvage one of the two days of the weekend.

I think I would call back and mention your son's feelings and ask a couple of questions about other options. At the very least you might get a feel for whether he really is telling the truth.

Any way you could check obituaries for "Abe"?

^^^^Yup, this.^^^^

Ex lives in a small town so I

Ex lives in a small town so I did check the paper and did not see one for Saturday or anyone named Abe. I also asked my close friend who lives in same town as Ex to see if she knew anyone by that name and she did not.

I'm assuming the "Celebration of Life" is something that is less formal then calling hours/a funeral and usually those are done when someone can not afford calling hours or a funeral. So possibly no obit.

Not to put a ton of effort

Not to put a ton of effort into checking but maybe look at the websites for local churches/funeral homes. A lot of people aren't posting in papers, just on the facilities website where the services are being held. My dad's was this way.

I don't know anything about a "Celebration of Life" ceremony so it might not even be a formal thing, maybe just a gathering of people at someone's home.

I'm sorry that your son has been disappointed.