For those leaving.......
Or one foot out the door anyway.....
I've been breaking up with my SO for the past 6 months, and it is emotionally exhausting! I finally did it though and I've stuck to my guns so far. One day at a time, right? Although we are broken up, and I consider myself a single gal right now, the future is uncertain. This year will be very telling.
When we last left you, I had received a couple of emails and a bouquet of flowers. The email laid out a very detailed plan of what he was going to do to fix the issues that I brought up. It sounded wonderful...everything that I've been wanting him to do for the past 4 years!!
However, words are one thing, actions another. SO has HUGE issues with procrastinating so I'm not exactly holding my breath. Here was my response to SO's email:
SO -
I think your plans all sound great. I would hope that you continue with those plans for yourself and the kids, not just for me. If some time goes by and things are moving along as planned, then, yes, it is possible that we may get back together, but I can't promise the future, I have no idea what is going to happen. I don't want for you to do all this stuff, have us not get back together, then you're all fussing and fuming for doing all of this stuff that you really didn't want to do and have it all be for nothing in your eyes.
I've come to a few conclusions of my own. One is that there is no reason why I should have to sacrifice anything that isn't exactly what I want in life. I want security and stability, I want our relationship to be the priority over the childrens' wants (wants, not needs), I want everything custody and child support-related legally settled once and for all, I want to travel and build a future for us and our family.
I will not be a mother myself ever. It kind of sucks, but that's the way life is and I'm going to embrace it. What I will not do is put my life and dreams of travel on hold to pay for and raise someone else's kids. Your kids have 2 parents (as shitty of a mother as BM is) and they don't need another one. I would think of myself as a benevolent aunt or something, rather than a replacement mom. I will never love your kids as if they were my own, or as much as you love them. It's just not possible. I did not bear them, or raise them to be the children they are today. I care about them and care what happens to them and want nothing but the best for all of them. When I first met the kids I was way too involved and overstepping my bounds....all with the best of intentions, but still wrong. I've learned so much since then.
Finances should be easier in a 2 income household. I am worried that if we become a 2 income household that those extra funds will go to the kids for things like cars and college. I'm sorry, but the fact that no money has been saved for college does not mean that I will sacrifice my dreams so the kids don't have to take out student loans. It's those types of things that make me worry. The expenses are split, you have a lot of extra cash, and all that extra cash goes to kids and their expenses, both needed and wanted. Then I sit at home wondering why oldestSD has a free ride to college, youngestSD is living in a sweet apartment on campus, and SS is driving a new car and we haven't taken a vacation in 5 years.
I never want to be in a position again where I'm sitting at the kitchen table crying feeling totally trapped in a life that I didn't want or deserve, wondering "How is this my life now? How did I let this happen?"
I think we need to be apart for now and see what happens. I can't make any promises of what the future will hold for us. Is it possible that we may get back together again? Yes, it is possible, but it will be hard because there's so much that has to happen for me to feel secure in our relationship again. But it is possible, and I do have dreams about it and our life together.
The End
SO is slowly getting it, I think. Time will tell. It's hard, I miss him a bunch and my empty bed is lonely, but the way things were before with us was ALSO lonely.
- DarkStar's blog
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Your first paragraph in the
Your first paragraph in the email to your SO is EXACTLY how I feel right now with my DH. I've had one foot out the door for a while, and he has promised me the world. I am so conflicted every.single.day. I told my DH that he should have been doing this stuff all along, not just start doing it out of fear of losing me. So, I get where your at. **Hugs** I hope this year brings you great things!!!
I'm there too. Everytime my
I'm there too. Everytime my SO starts in about my daughter (34), I know he is frustrated and jealous that his 2 girls don't reach out to him, don't really care if they see him or not, are only after the material things or cash so he takes it out on my daughter. Yes, I do help her get by occasionally, but she is working hard and she is thankful for whatever I do to help her. His kids on the other hand, expect what they get from him and BM. Every time he does this it is like another nail in the coffin. His kids are so enabled by BM, they both drive new cars, BM making payments on 1 and SO on the other. His older daughter 24 has had an abortion, DUI felony (which cost each BM and SO around $30,000 each), the 19 year old is in second year of college, not making all that good of grades and has to contribute nothing toward her college, which is costing around $2,000 a month which BM and SO pay for. These 2 girls got more in their XMAS stockings than my daughter got for her entire XMAS. 24 year old went to the best cosmotology school and didn't have to work a day while attending, totally paid for by BM and SO. When she finished school BM bought her a brand new car to drive and is paying for her insurance, which with a DUI felony (actually it added up to 2 felonies) has to be a pretty penny each month. My daughter may be moving to another state soon and her apartment will be available, I'm keeping that in the back of my mind actually as perhaps an out for me. The apartment is in my name also, so the move would be really easy, it is very tempting. I will wait and see how the next several months go and when my daughter is ready to move, I will definitely give this some serious consideration. By that time the coffin may be completely nailed shut and it will be an easy out. Sorry to take over your blog, just had to vent.
I'm in the same boat. For
I'm in the same boat. For months and months, things were not good. I cried and begged him to do things differently. He made some small changes but they never lasted and mostly he did what he wanted. Now, I'm at the point of seriously considering leaving, and he's sending me flowers at work, took me on a trip, saying all the right things, and doing everything perfectly. It kinda makes me angry, I needed this all along and suffered for so long when he refused or ignored me. Now that I want to leave he can suddenly do it? If it was about loving me, then why wasn't my pain and frustration enough of a motivator? I don't need to have my ass kissed, or to receive gifts. I just need a partner who listens to me, and who I can trust.
I love the last line in your blog, you are lonely now, but you were lonely with him too.
you say that you might go back to him at some point-- how will you know if/ when it's the right choice to go back?
That 2 year idea sounds like
That 2 year idea sounds like a good one. Everyone and every relationship is different, but 2 years is definitely long enough to know what's what in your relationship!
Snowdrop - If he follows through THIS YEAR with the things he said he was going to do, then there is a chance.
1. Get an attorney and get custody/child support settled
2. Fix up the house so it can be sold or at least more livable!
3. Get finances figured out. Sell the extra car that's been sitting in his garage for 5 years. Continue to work with his bank to get his credit rating cleaned up. Start a savings account.
4. Prioritize time and make future plans for US, not for a nanny/maid/driver.
These things are deal breakers for me. I've been absolutely clear to him what I need. The ball is really in his court now. I am by no means waiting on the sidelines for him, I am living my life and doing my thing. If I happen to meet someone else in the meantime, then it was not meant to be. Heck, he could meet someone, too.
"The email laid out a very
"The email laid out a very detailed plan of what he was going to do to fix the issues that I brought up."
I have been suckered in by these emails before. Well intentioned but ultimately lacking in long term resolve. Having being brave and determined enough to move out I would make sure you hold out for the full year - don't fall for a couple of months of emails and effort (as I have done before now), because it's just not enough to demonstrate that he has really got it. Many men can mange a couple of months effort focussed on the short term goal of persuading you to come back, - generally their main preoccupation at that point is getting you to change your mind using any means necessary, NOT really understanding what happened and making big changes to their attitude. After a year it's much more likely that some real thinking has taken place and there is a real commitment and demonstration of change. Congratulations on making the break and holding out for something better.