Ok so she does not have any plans to attend college? Then what does she think she is going to do? Has dad even talked to her about any of this? and does he understand, what the hell will she do with her life?

This is a hard one I have to say....Does DH know how you feel? If he does I would at least go to him first....having a intervention sounds great but will DH be upset or think this isnt your place or your child. I would love to tell SD16 somethings, and I see her life going nowhere if she doesnt smarten up but I could never, but again thats me..LOL I am way to micey like to do that LOL....If you have a good relationship with her and you think she wont tell you to bang off then maybe she would listen to you...

My Sd once asked me about college because BM and DH did not go...In my family college is a must, so she asked, I told her about my college and my oldest in college, now her grades are dropping, she hardly ever goes to school, and college is never talked about. When my son comes home she leaves the room when DH and I ask him about school.....SAD!!!!

Maybe you should just sit her down and tell her, "look, soon you will be 18. That is the point at which you must move out of the house. I hope that you are using your remaining time wisely to prepare for this". End of intervention. Then when she's 18, boot her out.

The only thing I have going for me on this front is that my fdh was the first one to say to his 17yo (who is fouling up in school) "When you graduate from high school, you will either be enrolled in a 4year university and earn a BS in something, or you will start paying board and rent. There is no third option, unless you do it all on your own, and you won't be living here."

My fdh did things the hard way when he was a teenager/young adult, and doesn't like the lazy choices his oldest kid is making because he knows first-hand what it'll mean to the kid long-term.

All that said, we've had the very discussion your proposing (scary, almost to the letter!) with oldest kid (several times), and there's no indication that it's made any dent in the pervading teenage apathy.

I am also disengaged from my SS19, but I still have the remnants of a relationship with him meaning that we have casual conversation when he visits. Any time that I have tried to give him helpful advice about career paths, saving money, being responsible, etc. it goes in one ear and out the other. However, SS does have a lot of ideas (i.e. pipe dreams) of his own. So whenever he talks to me about his next big idea, I use it as an opportunity to ask him questions rooted in reality.

For example, about a year ago SS expressed interest in joining the army because they will pay for his college. So I asked him what the risks were in joining, what he thought expectations would be for his behavior and participation, how would he feel about being away from family and friends, how much do he think the army would pay towards college, where would he go to college, what would he study? ... I felt like that gave me an opportunity to express my concerns without lecturing him or shoving my advice down his throat. And it gave SS some food for thought because he hadn't considered most of those concerns before.

I like your list of topics. Maybe you can send it as a questionnaire on FB and include some other cousins, friends kids, etc. to make it seem less like you're targetting your FSD.

The conversation you need to be having is with your husband.

What are his expectations if she does not go to college? Will she continue living with you indefinitely? Will she continue to have everything provided for her - car, insurance, phone, food, clothes, spending money? Forever???? What does he really think?

You cannot make someone be a productive member of society. But you also do not have to enable them either.

I have a SS24 who is worthless. But his living here is not an option period. Not even for one night when he is homeless.

I almost feel sorry for so many of these pathetic young people. Ours was supported, subsidized and provided for at a luxury level for way too long. Always some excuse.

Now he has run out of helpers and truly is homeless. Now that he has to (no one is even giving him food) he does manage to find work a few hours here and there and a floor to sleep on in some section 8 apt. It is so sad. He is kind of sweet and is not stupid - but is just so damaged from never having responsibilities.

Hmmm, you've given me something to think about. While I have visions in my head of SS10 attending college immediately after he graduates high school (and NEVER moving back in!) it never occurred to me that he wouldn't. So you've given me some food for thought and for that, I thank you!!!
My first gut reaction is to kick her out when she turns 18. Literally, tell her to leave your home and stop supporting her blase' lifestyle. If you stop supporting her, guess who's gonna have to figure out a plan? HER! Now if you believe this is heartless and I do admit, it does sound heartless. My mother did this to me when I was 17. Yup, 1 7. I didn't know better at the time that it was illegal to abandon a child but whatever. I moved in with my boyfriend at the time and saved up money. Granted, I had a job. I got my own apartment and became almost completely self-reliant. My dad helped me here and there because he was 100% against my mother kicking me out as they were in the middle of a divorce and my father had just recently moved out himself. sorry, im rambling

MORAL OF THE STORY: I hated my mother for a while for kicking me out. However, it made me realize how strong I was. I bought a condo on my own when I was 23. I had 3 jobs at 1 point AND I was going to college. Why? Because I HAD to to makes ends meet. I did it on my own and could not be prouder of my accomplishments at the time.

It sounds like SD17 will never know what she can do until someone makes her do it.

We did an intervention with SS-19 his Sr year only we were far less sensitive than you are proposing.

Our intervention"

M&D: Welcome home son (for christmas 2010). Have a seat we need to talk.

Skid: Blank stare.....

M&D: HELLOOOOOOO!

Skid: Umm whaaaat?

M&D: Well, you managed to fail Sr. English the first semester (at boarding school) and the school does not offer it again in the Spring, summer or on line so the earliest you can take it will be next fall. So, you will not be going back after break because we are not going to pay your tuition since you obviously do not appreciate the opportunity.

Skid: But I love (boarding school) and I want to go back!

M&D: We love it too son and we are proud that we were able to give you the opportunity. We are very proud of your performance your Jr year but you have reverted back to your historical behavior and we are not willing to risk our hard earned resources when you have proven you will not be a good sterward of our investment. So, you will be attending our local HS and you WILL graduate on time.

Skid: But I don't know anyone here. Can't I go to my old HS in PA?

M&D: We don't live in PA son, we moved to DE and this is where you will finish HS. The HS is the highest rated in the state and is your only choice.

Skid: Much crying but no begging........

M&D. Go get dressed and meet us in the car.

Meanwhile 3hrs later and on a tour of the urban homeless camps of Wilmington DE and Philly PA.....

M&D: Son, remember when we said that you WILL graduate on time.

SKid: Mumble, mumble, mumble......

M&D: SPEAK CLEARLY!!

SKid: Yes.

M&D: If you do not graduate on time then when you get home from your last day of class you will find that your key does not work. Don't worry. We will give you a very nice new empty refridgerator box to sleep in and drop you, your boxa nd some warm clothing off at one of these overpasses we have seen today. We will even drop off a bag of $1 hamburgers occassionally when we drop by to check on you.

He got the message. He graduated on time and with honors. In NM he only needed Sr English to finish his graduation requirements his Sr. year. In DE he needed English, a math credit, two career development credits (he chose Music so he was in symphonic band and was his Director's music librarian and spent the semester cataloging all of the sheet music) and he had to do the Sr. project which DE requires for graduation. Usually the project starts at the begining of second semester of Jr year and is presented after spring break of Sr year so it is a 1.5 school year project.

SKid did it in less than a full semester.

He did test us after graduation. He knew he could live at home for free if he was a full time student and we would even pay for college. We made it clear that we would pay for college but he had to do the leg work to apply and enroll. He did not apply to any schools. If not in school he had to have a job. He never even tried to find a job. He would not get a DL though we bugged the shit out of him to get it done, etc, etc, etc...

Soooo we turned him in to our beck-and-call boy. We gave him a long chore list and then we made him do anything not done to our satisfaction over and over again. When he got the chore list down to where he could do it well and in a reasonably short time we added a ton of stuff to the list. He got really sick of washing dishes, cleaning floors, washing windows, scrubbing toilets, folding laundry, dusting, scrubbing base boards, touch up painting the outside trim, etc, etc, etc.....

He did this from Sept until Dec when he came to us and said... "I joined the Air Force". We knew he was talking to recruiters. We had to drive him to most of his pre enlistment appointments..... so it was not a surprise.

He is the type of kid that tunes out any advice, lectures, etc.... What he understands very clearly is the difference between abject misery and having fun. So we mad him miserable until he stepped up and took a flying leap in to viable young adulthood.

We are proud of him. He has always been a pretty good kid but trying to prevent him from repeatedly shoving his head up his own ass while emulating his SpermIdiot was getting to be more frustration than his mom and I could tolerate. We refused to suffer through endless years of it after HS graduation. We did not abandon him, we fed him, clothed him, housed him, etc.... but we also worked his ass off.

You may want to try a similar tack with your SD.

Good luck.