Never able to compete with Skids & BM
I've been a lurker here for quite some time and have posted in the past. I am completely disengaged to the point that if I say more than 2 words to a kid when I am around SO and them, it's a shocker. I don't live with SO which makes it easier however although the kids are getting older and slightly easier to be in their presence, I still feel a sense that I will never be able to compete with them and/or BM and I'm not sure if it is normal or if I need to just get out now.
To start with BM, SO regularly talks to her and texts more often than I believe is acceptable. The woman doesn't really have any friends and SO said that even he and SDstb15 joke about how clingy this woman is because she just likes to talk and I guess is lonely so if she isn't calling or texting SD, she's calling or texting my SO. While I understand that they will have to talk about the kids at times, the kids are now 13 and stb15 so this should be limited and SO should not be interested in her love life, making sure she is doing well, caring about whats going on in her life, how her job is, what her financials are like, etc. He states that it is because if she is happy and stable than the kids will be too. On one hand this does sound somewhat reasonable to me since otherwise she would be drinking and trying to pawn them off on him but on the other hand, I feel that it isn't his responsibility for her anymore and he needs to tell her that if its not about the kids to STFU. LOL. I don't go around talking to or having any relationship with my exes or other men!
When it comes to the kids, previously SO and I had talked about having more free time and being able to possibly move in together when they got to the point that they were no longer coming around much anymore. As of last night, now he is stating that BM has made "threats" that once they turn 18 they are his responsibility. Obviously SO loves and is obsessed with his kids so he would take them in a heartbeat, but where does that leave me and our plans? Yes I know that there is always the possibility of kids moving in FT at any point and if something was to seriously happen to BM where she couldn't take care of them anymore thats one thing, but for SO to just voluntarily take them in because they either want to live with him or BM states that she doesn't want them, then what? We're supposed to just put all of our dreams and plans on hold until kids eventually decide to launch? I had only stuck around this long because I figured the end was in sight to a point where once they weren't coming EOWE and weeks during summer and holiday things would get so much better, now I'm not so sure and I'm kinda worried about my future. The only thing SO says when I talk to him is that he is a father and won't let his kids live on the street so he needs to be there to take care of them no matter what age and at what point in life. Again, on one hand I can understand this, but there comes a point where a parent needs to live their own life and we aren't getting any younger so when actually is that?? FYI, my own BD is now 23 1/2 and although I didn't kick her out at 18 (she lived with me FT), I started making my own decisions at that point on where to live, what to do with my life, etc. and she was free to either come along or do her own thing. Now these Disney dads are letting their kids almost make the decision on what dad can and cant do before actually living their life!
So at this point, Im feeling like 1) my opinions don't matter when it comes to BM or the kids 2) there is the strong possibility of our near future plans being ruined. How does one compete with that? I love this man and don't want to just throw away a 7+ year relationship, but the uncertainty about things and my life being severely affected by his family is depressing me.
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" Now these Disney dads are
" Now these Disney dads are letting their kids almost make the decision on what dad can and cant do before actually living their life!"
What you seem to be missing is that this man is living his life. Your issue is that he isn't living his life that in the manner you want him to.
He may be perfectly happy having girlfriend who has her own place. He's telling you loud and clear that he won't turn his kids away in order to please or keep you.
How have to listen to him and decide what you are willing to put up with
This statement right
This statement right here:
"He states that it is because if she is happy and stable than the kids will be too. "
I heard this exact statement from my ex fiancé. Based on this and the lack of boundaries you have no chance my friend. It almost sounds like you are dating my ex. Our stories are so similar. If your SO feels that it's his responsibility to keep his ex happy I'm sorry my dear but the relationship is basically a lost cause. The amount of texting that they do would not be acceptable to me especially since the kids are older. Do they need to communicate with each other, sure, but ONLY about the kids and schedules etc should be set in stone and then they really would not need to communicate that much really.
I feel for you. These men want to pacify their ex to "keep them in line" basically so they don't cause any trouble, but they go on to have a new SO and put that SO on the back burner. That is so unfair. My dear you are screwed with this guy based on what you have written.
As for the kids turning 18 and living with you all .. well if you all are committed to each other and have a life together and get married someday, then that is going to be a joint decision that you and your SO make. In fact you should be included in ALL major life decisions. 18 is old enough to either be out of the home and working full time or at school. Those are the only options except from maybe living at home working full time for a short period.
I won't tell you to leave, BUT please please be strong. Do not put up with the way you are being treated which is a very last priority at this point. If your SO is not setting boundaries with the ex for you and for everyone there is a huge issue. This problem will not go away.. because you are not important enough. The ex wife is however. Do you want to continue to be treated this way? ? Stand up for yourself....
70%of blended families fail. The 30% that do work only do so because the marriage is the number one priority over ALL else except for GOD. Are you a priority over the kids and the ex.. nope.
I seriously think you may be dating my ex!! Leaving him was the best decision of my life...Was it hard to leave.. yes.. but my life is so much better now. I cant even tell you how amazing things are..
Go read your old blogs. You
Go read your old blogs. You have been unhappy for so long. Rip the band aid off and break up so you can start feeling better.
It sounds like you and your
It sounds like you and your boyfriend do not want the same thing, at least not in the near future.
It also sounds like you have a but of a double standard. You didn't kick your child out at 18, but you expect him to kick his out.
Only you can decide what you're willing to live with, but it doesn't sound like you habe similar priorities right now.
His kids do not live with him
His kids do not live with him and I did kick mine out a while ago when I moved and told her she had to get her own place.
Big difference between someone living with someone already and kicking them out as my daughter did not have anywhere else to go so she had to live with me. HIs kids already have a home so its not about kicking someone out at 18, but just not allowing them to move in and think the grass is going to be greener here. Apples and oranges.
Adults do have place to go.
Adults do have place to go. It's called on their own. Not saying everyone needs to kick adults out if for example they attend local college or they have health issues etc but it's not parental obligation.
But you need to understand that minor children is parental obligation.
Just because they live more at mom's doesn't mean they can't live more at dads, half time or even full time. You don't get to decide how much minor children gets to stay with their dad. You are not married and don't live there. I wouldn't date a man who told me how much and when my kid should be with me.
My husband would divorce me
My husband would divorce me in a second if i said his kids (who are not here full time) didn't live here and they weren't welcome here after 18.
I would assume your boyfriend has a similar view as us. Our home IS our kids (his, mine, ours) home no matter the "timeshare" with the other parent.
Like I said, it's seems you and your boyfriend do not share the same desires for at least the near future (ten years).
Most decent people wouldn't
Most decent people wouldn't be ok with their dates telling them how much they should have their minor or adult kids in their own houses. That's might be why the guy is keeping OP at a distance and isn't interested in committing. If she is so against his kids while dating then it only gets worse if she moves in.
If you don't want kids around, you don't date men with kids. If you are unhappy with a man for that many years , you leave instead of lurking on dating sites "what's out there". Lurking on dating sites while supposedly being exclusive isn't a decent thing to do. Dishonest.
Men who are seriously
Men who are seriously inclined about a woman don't date them for 7 plus years. They propose. He likes things the way they are. SKs and BM aren't really a problem here. Your BF and his lack of commitment are a problem
Now I see your adult kid lives with you yet you are upset his minor kids are there? Seems rather strange to me. I don't believe he needs your permission to have minor kids in his house
I don't think either of us
I don't think either of us are interested in getting married at this point. We've both done that, but yes I would like more of a commitment instead of being just a girlfriend.
My daughter does not live with me and luckily the kids being here for visitation has gotten better since they aren't as needy anymore, however theres a big difference between visiting and living FT.
I reread your old blogs and
I reread your old blogs and Am shocked to see that you've been miserable for many years. I wonder if you are having self esteem issues.
I somewhat understand people stuck around being miserable when they have kids together or feeling obligations being married etc But I don't understand being unhappy staying with someone you don't even live together. You complained years ago that you weren't his priority. But that is still the case. And you are still unhappy.
Why are you staying? You don't think you can do better?
Not sure, I guess why do any
Not sure, I guess why do any of us stay? We either love the person, think there is hope, see the good outweighs the bad?
Yep I have spent 7 years of my life with this man, but the kids issue are currently only a small fraction of our relationship especially since I don't live with him and don't engage with the kids. I come here to vent and get opinions like anyone else.
and to be practically honest it is pretty scary out there when I look on dating sites and see the type of men "left over" LOL or hear from all my single friends of the misery they experience with dating and trying to find someone. So why would I give up a relationship thats ~75% good for no guarantee that I could find or do better?
If you're not willing to walk
If you're not willing to walk away from a relationship that is 75% good, why complain about competing with the SKs and BM?
This man doesn't have to change (to honest, I don't think he needs to since he is being honest with you)because he knows damn well you won't walk away from that 75%
If feel that 75% is good enough for you, why push for more? Keep pushing this man and you may end up with 50%
It sounds that having a man
It sounds that having a man is more important for you than being happy? So because you think you can't do better you are ok to be miserable? It doesn't even make sense.
Perhaps you aren't attracting good men because you are willingly settle and perhaps with low self esteem you attract low quality men. Have you considered therapy?
I've met my DH online and he is great. There are very good men out there. Life is too short to be miserable.
PS And about you not wanting to be married. But did he ever propose? I strongly suspect he did not. He doesn't want a commitment. That's a reality.
People stay for different
People stay for different reasons but frankly not too many people are in your situation, I don't know too many people who just date for seven years, not marrying and not even living together. People either commit or move on. Now there might be people who just want to date if that what makes them happyn but not if it doesn't make them happy. Typically a woman wouldn't just date for that long especially being unsatisfied for that many years. So he comes over to eat and have sex and then goes back to his place for 7 years?. That's not typical.
I also wonder what do you
I also wonder what do you mean "when I look on dating sites"? Aren't you in a relationship? Does he know you are on dating sites? Why would you do that if you are in a good relationship? That sounds so unhealthy. You aren't committed, he isn't committed, you are unhappy, you are looking on dating sites yet you don't leave. For SEVEN years? Makes no sense
Good grief, I'm not on a
Good grief, I'm not on a dating site! With a lot of them you can look to see whats out there without registering or setting up a profile. I have friends that are on them so I have looked in the past just to see what types of guys are on these things, most of the time while in the presence of these friends. I'm not actively looking on a dating site, just noticing who is really on them. I can only go by pics and the times that I've spent making fun of some of their profiles with these other friends.
Its funny how when someone "new" comes here and posts everyone jumps all over them about why don't you leave and such, but then again, there are hundreds of others on here that come and post on a regular basis that don't leave either and sound like they are much more miserable. Talk about double standards. I guess I'll just go back to lurking.
Still unclear why would you
Still unclear why would you go on dating sites to see what's out there if you are in a committed relationship. What would you care. Make fun of strangers? Ugh? But ok.
If you don't want to leave then don't. Everyone is different. Most people on here are stepparents though and they have stepfamily struggles. You are just dating a guy and complain how much he has the kids. But if you have no intentions to leave then great. You'll be posting same thing another 7 years from now.
Just keep in mind you have no control how much other people want to have their kids in their home if you aren't in a committed relationship with them. As other poster said if you are ok with so-so relationship then stay, but if you keep pushing you'll end up in a bad relationship or dumped (which might be the best thing because this dating isn't going anywhere, if he didn't commit in 7 years he will not commit in 17)
You are not new. There are
You are not new. There are years and years of your posts wondering if you should break up. You are in the Hotel California.
I agree, how is it new? Posts
I agree, how is it new? Posts are as old as 3 and a half years ago about op being lonely sitting home alone jealous of skids, and believing that he only needs to see them every other weekend, no school breaks etc Nothing changed. Same story.
The people you are talking
The people you are talking about are married. They may have children with those men. Some may be SAHMs who do not have the money to leave.
You are not in their shoes. You have the ability to end this at any time without worrying about how it will impact your children. If you walk away, you will not be homeless. Walking away will not crush you financially.
"You have the ability to end
"You have the ability to end this at any time without worrying about how it will impact your children. If you walk away, you will not be homeless. Walking away will not crush you financially."
Exactly! And one of the reasons I don't have a desire to get married because they don't always work out and I wouldn't want to be in a situation where I felt trapped. However, if women here are truly miserable themselves, than any impact to kids or financial struggles shouldn't be a deterrent.
Just because my SO and I "only date" as so many state here even though we've been in an exclusive committed relationship for 7+ years, we do live together part time now as since I have recently moved an hour away, he'll stay at my place a few days a week and I'll stay at his. Marriage doesn't permit others from not being able to plan a future together or make decisions together as a committed couple in a long term relationship. Heck, my parents didn't get married until they were together for 20+ years and then only did it for financial reasons!
I DID answer the question if
I DID answer the question if you read....I was looking with friends who are actively looking for men...so when we are together we would look to see who was on these sites. I have 2 friends that are actively dating so when we are together, we will look through profiles together, not for myself. However it does give me a general idea of what type of men are "left over" in the event that it didn't work out with my SO.
People in exclusive committed
People in exclusive committed relationship don't lurk on dating sites to see "what's out there". I can't imagine why I or DH ever do that. I bet your BF is also looking on dating sites because you two aren't"commited".
Yup. 100% what you said.
Yup. 100% what you said.
Also one thing is to say "I don't want marriage" if a man stood on one knee with a ring and you said NO. And entirely different if he NEVER even proposed to you. He doesn't want to be married to you or otherwise Commited
Just face the truth