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Horrified and at a loss

DarkStar's picture

Submitted by DarkStar on Fri, 04/21/2023 - 12:33pm

DH and I got guardianship of our niecenow8 back in August.  She is diagnosed on the autistic spectrum.  We've been doing so well with her, a few steps back here and there.....then yesterday happens.

N8 pulled the fire alarm at school yesterday.  During a massive thunderstorm.  Hundreds of students and faculty drenched in the pouring rain cuz she "wanted to see what would happen."  Emails sent out to parents informing them of the "accidental" event and asking them to bring clean/dry clothes/shoes/socks to the school if they could because everyone was soaking wet.  She spent the day in-school suspension and the school called me at the end of the day to inform.  DH was PISSED that they waited before informing us, but I hardly think that's the important part here.

She's on lockdown, no screens of any kind, and spending time in the corner and writing sentences and letters of apology.  No school today so I get the pleasure of putting her to work while I'm trying to work from home.

I will be spending my weekend filling out the 20 page intake form for our local ABA therapy.  We are lucky that we have excellent services available in town, even though there's a wait-list.  

SS18 is DONE.  Out of here to live with his mommy whether he graduates from high school or not.  Oh, he will graduate......the school and us parents are working harder than the damn kid to make sure it happens, but I am counting down the days.  He continuously breaks the rules and his hoarding never stopped.  Won't do his schoolwork so he certainly won't be able to continue any sort of education.  BM lives in a very rural redneck area and his SF will NOT put up with any of SS18's BS so I am waiting for my schadenfreude to take effect. 

Just feeling very down in the dumps now......and very discouraged.  N8 is our kid now, we are NOT giving her back so that is not even an option to discuss, please.

Comments

Survivingstephell's picture

Submitted by Survivingstephell on Fri, 04/21/2023 - 12:41pm

I think once therapy for N8 starts you will see changes.  It has made a big difference for my grandson.  Maybe the school can help push it along?  
 

more experienced with Autism will be along soon. 

notarelative's picture

Submitted by notarelative on Fri, 04/21/2023 - 12:49pm

While it was terrible that the alarm pull was in the middle of a storm, a kid pulling the alarm does occasionally happen. I once worked at a large school. A student, same age, pulled the alarm for the same reason. Luckily it was a nice day. But, the alarm only rang in one hallway of the building. They evacuated, but since no one else heard the alarm, no one else did. They were outside for a while until they realized no one else had evacuated. The hallway wing with this fire alarm had been added to the school later. No one realized the alarm was not connected to the larger system until this incident.

This was a kid one never would have suspected. No Autism. No diagnosis. Just a kid, who usually didn't, acting on impulse. It happens. It happens with a kid with a diagnosis. It happens with a kid without a diagnosis.

I hope you are in an area with a May graduation (we are mid/late June). May SS live happily ever after at BM's.
 

la_dulce_vida's picture

Submitted by la_dulce_vida on Fri, 04/21/2023 - 2:52pm

Cue the old lady in me......."Back in my day, we WALKED to school, so we paid attention to the weather report and we had UMBRELLAS, rain coats and rain boots (sometimes)."

I'm sure none of the pwecious darlings had rain coats or umbrellas because mumsy pulls up in her Land Rover and only a drop or two ever reaches the darlings.

 

DarkStar's picture

Submitted by DarkStar on Fri, 04/21/2023 - 5:13pm

Kids are not allowed to go get their rain coats or umbrellas!!!!  Good grief where did you go to school?

DarkStar's picture

Submitted by DarkStar on Fri, 04/21/2023 - 5:19pm

for SS18.  He has been crazy about cars since he was a baby.  He's read all sorts of books, collects them, does models, electronic switch gadgety things, and taking an automotive course his senior year in high school.  He went to an automotive orientation program at our excellent local community college and was so excited.  All these plans of what to do to prepare for automotive school.  And he fluffed off, ignored, and screwed up each and every opportunity to get there.  So now he's going to BMs to work in a battery factory.  Sure, he could get himself into school later, but if past is anything like the future, there's little chance that will happen.

I guess N8 is our do-over?  Ha.  Not really.  But, as I told DH, better to get her now and have a chance at getting her behavior under control rather than a teenager that is a lost cause.

DarkStar's picture

Submitted by DarkStar on Fri, 04/21/2023 - 2:24pm

at the reaction that this was "no big deal".  We've had some extreme weather this past week, tornados, hail, and such, and this wasn't "a little rain" this was a thunderstorm.  Like cars are pulled over on the highway cuz you can't see thunderstorm.  And we are talking K-5 here so lots of little ones that had SOAKED shoes, socks, and clothes.  The comparison to wartime seems excessive and not really the point here.  Also fire trucks and an ambulance were dispersed, during a severe thunderstorm when other REAL emergencies might have been happening.

N8 is on an IEP and has been doing much better behavior-wise.  In fact, they had started to give her more independence, that obviously back-fired and she's under more strict observation now.  We just starting getting daily reports and see that there are daily incidents of non-compliance that have included running out of the classroom, refusing to comply with instructions, some physical incidents.  I'm surprised people think we're being too harsh on punishment

AlmostGone834's picture

Submitted by AlmostGone834 on Fri, 04/21/2023 - 2:51pm

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply you were being too harsh on punishment. I was only trying to make you feel better that not the worst thing that could happen to kids - having to stand out in the rain. I've retracted my comment. 

la_dulce_vida's picture

Submitted by la_dulce_vida on Fri, 04/21/2023 - 2:54pm

Kudos to you for taking on a child on the spectrum. Sadly, at her age, the typical punishments don't really work and may only make her act out more.

What kind of help have you been getting to understand how her brain works?

la_dulce_vida's picture

Submitted by la_dulce_vida on Fri, 04/21/2023 - 2:55pm

My 27 year old son had a 1:1 aide from 3rd grade until 11th grade. He needed access to someone responsible for assisting him and giving him guidance.

DarkStar's picture

Submitted by DarkStar on Fri, 04/21/2023 - 5:10pm

I do appreciate your comments and insights.  SS18 is also autistic, so this is no way our first rodeo.  It's hard not to compare the two, although there are a few similarities here and there, they are both very very different.  The whole saying, "you know one kid with autism.....you know one kid with autism" totally fits!  We are planning on using the same ABA therapy that SS18 used.  It really helped him, even though his story isn't extremely successful so far.  He had mostly 1:1 with an associate and it did decrease when he was in high school.  

I did have this secret hope that N8's behavior was situational and related to the neglect in the 7 previous years of her upbringing, but those hopes were pretty much squashed.  I'm sure we are the better household to raise (another) child with special needs, it's just discouraging.  And so dang HARD.  

DarkStar's picture

Submitted by DarkStar on Fri, 04/21/2023 - 5:46pm

all the time.  Am I too harsh?  Am I expecting too much?  Am I doing too much or not enough?  The school says to keep doing what we're doing so until she gets into therapy we'll keep it up.  I was despairing trying to think of appropriate punishments that didn't "punish" me and remembered Rags' story......no N8 is a little young for the burning platform, but at this rate, she will have the most beautiful penmanship from all the sentences she writes!

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Fri, 04/21/2023 - 5:48pm

Gotten the idea to pull the alarm on social media.   Its like a plague where we live.   Fake bomb threats, pushing alarm/panic buttons, etc etc.  

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Mon, 04/24/2023 - 12:10pm

But arms filled with love...too bad SS18 is not getting the help he needs from BM and SF.

Hopefully your neices paperwork will be processed quickly, as Im certain things will go much smoother. I have a few friends who work with autistic children and they looooove "their kids". And from pics they post "their kids" looooove them too, and everyone benefits.