Update: FDH emailed BM- and check out her awesome response!
FDH sent this email to BM with the subject line of SD 12's name. It said this:
I made an appointment with the therapist for SD next Wednesday (10/2) at 10am. I will be home that day so I can take her. She has an opening for tomorrow at 10am. But, I would rather her go to school.
Was her behavior today and yesterday related to high/low blood sugar? Or, was it because of lack of sleep or something that she controlled? I think we should cut her off from the laptop/electronics all together and her online friends at this point. She is obviously not doing what you and I want her to do. And because of that, she should not get to do what she wants to do. No computer for 30 days. If she needs to work on something for school, she needs to ask for access and work on it in public area. No gaming or social media. At this point, I feel she needs to earn back the right to have personal access. If she can’t get to school, the 30 days becomes longer. Are you ok with trying this?
I get the feeling she is thinking again that she can be homeschooled again like her friend. And that is still not an option. My job is to go to work and make money to support them. You should be able to do the same and receive the child support because you have primary custody. It is ridiculous that she has decided she doesn’t have to listen to you or me and can do what she wants.
I agree with you that the diabetes has had an influence on her behavior. However, lots of kids have diabetes and they are still otherwise healthy, active, attend school and listen to their parents. She is stubborn and we need to control it now before she becomes completely uncontrollable.
She never called me last night to discuss plans to go see MSD's play. But, I am going to come pick her up this afternoon, take her to the play tonight and then she is going to stay at my house tonight. I will take her to school in the morning.
I really don’t think that me bribing Sd12 to come to my house and setting up fun things just for her is the answer. First, it is not fair to MSD who already feels like she is neglected and that SD12 always runs the show and holds everyone hostage - it seems to me like MSD is already wondering why she should have to try hard when she sees SD12 getting what she wants without cooperating. Second, if I asked SD12 what she wanted to do at my house, she would most likely say she would want to be left alone with her laptop and her online friends. And I think that should not be an option at my house AND your house until she can clean up her act.
I thought this was pretty clear and good. Her response came back within seconds...
"Awesome parenting via email. Good luck with that. Thanks for your help."
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I think his email....and
I think his email....and behavioral plan....are great.
I agree^^^. He suggested a
I agree^^^. He suggested a well-thought out plan & shared it with the other parent. That's effective co-parenting.
Is she suggesting it would've made a difference if he stood on her front porch & said it to her face?
This way, it's in writing. Either of them can look back & see what the plan is. She's an idiot.
My take: she sees these
My take: she sees these crises as a way to get your DH re-enmeshed in her day to day life. She doesn't like his response because it's clear, rational, and respects appropriate boundaries.
^^^^AGREED^^^^ She wants this
^^^^AGREED^^^^ She wants this to lure him back to her control.
My guess she meant to forward
My guess she meant to forward to someone else and hit reply instead. BM is notorious for doing that and has made some stellar comments!
She followed up with another
She followed up with another email:
"These are all brilliant ideas on paper. Perhaps you can try them in person and see how they work.
I need help with SD. An email chock full of great ideas isn't the help I was looking for or need.
So roll up your sleeves, Postpone your appointments and work with me at being a parent."
So, I guess that means he's supposed to run over to her house and play husband.
apparently I want to punch
apparently
I want to punch her in the throat for you
LOL. Wish I could.
LOL. Wish I could.
Yep, the help shd wants is
Yep, the help shd wants is him driving tk her house every morning to play bad guy and force sd to go to school.
She has no intentions of changing her parenting style a.d enforcing consequences..... She wants a quick fix where dear old dad does all the work
That is exactly my take. Just
That is exactly my take. Just like how she can't hold a job and it's always someone else's fault. Her shitty parenting is now being blamed on FDH because she can't take responsibility for anything. Blaming him allows her to sit back and do jack shit while he "fixes it".
Her BF is out town. I can't imagine he'd be happy to come to see FDH sitting in his living room "helping" with SD.
But seriously, what is she thinking he should do? Other than take custody, which she didn't even suggest.
HA! What an asshat she is.
HA! What an asshat she is. She hasn't even TRIED his suggestions so who is she to tell HIM he needs to try them in person to see if they would work. I guess she is too helpless to be a REAL parent.
What kind of "help" does she expect? Sounds to me like she isn't trying to co-parent but rather get him back living with her!
It makes you wonder if BM may
It makes you wonder if BM may actually subtly encourage these tantrums on the part of SD, so that she has an excuse to talk with your DH.
Either way, I'm sorry for you. What is he going to do?
Not sure yet. He is leaving
Not sure yet. He is leaving work early and picking her up. They will be here soon. It's going to be a mess b/c she won't have her computer, will act crazy, will refuse to go to her sister's play tonight, etc... Oy.
On the bigger scale, I asked him not to reply until we have a chance to talk.
That's good he waits for you
That's good he waits for you to reply. I've followed your blog for awhile as I can really relate to some of your boundary- setting issues with your BM. My DH would have already responded! I'm trying to get him not to take the bait and respond to anything emotional with BM, but it is hard for him. Good luck!
It could have been more
It could have been more brief. But this is the strongest email to her that I've seen. Baby steps.
SAY THAT! I'm sure she'll say
SAY THAT!
I'm sure she'll say something snotty back but this sounds very cool, calm and collected.
I love it! I just talked to
I love it!
I just talked to him. He said he's so sick of "damned if you do, damned if you don't". BM speaks out of both sides of her mouth. On one hand, she's telling him he needs to spoil/entice the kids to visit because he doesn't see them often. The other is that he needs to be the bad guy. Which is it? Or perhaps a sane person would see something down the middle is fair.
The roll up your sleeves thing was crazy vague. What does that exactly mean? That's what I just discussed with him. I think what it means is "I can't make SD go to school. Cancel your work and come get her because I don't feel like dealing with it anymore. Also, do whatever I say you should do as a parent."
"Roll up your sleeves" = Is
"Roll up your sleeves" = Is an attempt to guilt him into thinking he's a lazy parent so he will go back to acting like her forever husband.
You would be incorrect. I
You would be incorrect. I didn't even know he was going to send that email. I was blind copied on it. I only asked him to hold off on answering her crazy, bitchy responses until we talked.