My FDH and I have a long history. We started seeing each other in 2007 after he found out BM was cheating on him. He separated and we started dating and fell in love. We moved in together a few months later. Although he was separated, I told him I would not go on with our relationship until he got officially divorced. A few months into our relationship he went back to BM to "work" things out for the kids. Afer a few months of that he came back to me bacause things did not work out. I took him back because of how much I loved him. This went on for a few years, up until Jan 2011. I finally got fed up of him going back and forth and not making up his mind. I also felt it wasn't fair to my BS13 (who was 8 when all this started) to have this person come and go.I broke up with him for good, and vowed to not ever take him back. His wife called me after the break up and I promised to stay away, even though he was the one who always came back. Even though she admitted she cheated and all parties knew they weren't happy. Almost a year passed with no communication and it killed me to not know anything about him. I even started dating a guy I met who was wonderful to me and my BS13. He was very commited and even talked about marrige and having kids. Its no secret that I wanted another child, I had BS at 19 and did not want to raise another child as a SM.

In December of 2011, my FDH reached out to me to let me know he had put in the divorce and had papers to prove it. I broke off my relationship and decided to give it more chance since now the divorce had started. Things started off great, I was very supportive with the divorce and since they had nothing (except debt accumulated) to fight over it would be a quick divorce. A few months passed and he tells me he wants to fight for custody of SD12 and SS9. He said she was an awful mother and he wanted to take care of them. I again supported his decision even though I feel the kids should be with the BM. Around April of 2012, we had discussed getting married after the divorce and having a baby. One day we decided that we werent getting any younger (I'm33 and he's 39) and that we should start trying. He had a date for court in May so it was pretty much done. As soon as we started trying I became pregnant, like on our first try... We were both thrilled and just discussed all our plans. Things went sour real quick after my MIL (who he was living with at the time) found out I was pregnant. My FIL had passed a few months prior and she clung to my FDH for everything. She is very needy and did not want him to leave. He felt guilt that she was so devastated with his fathers death and pretty much went along with what she said. Needless to say my pregnancy was a living hell. We were separated for most of it and I became very resentful of him, the skids and my MIL. Especially because I had a very difficult pregnancy. I became very sick, had back problems and depression. Not to metion that he wasn't helping me financially. The divorce kept dragging out because of the custody fight. He hired a law guardian because SD12 would beg him to fight for her, yet when the law guardian would interview her she wouldn't tell him she wanted to go with her Dad. So here he is spending all this money on a lawyer and she just keeps playing him. This was a sign of how manipulative she could be.

Finally on my 8th month of pregnancy he finally decided to grow a pair and started to come around and help out more. He bought the baby furniture and started to help me with medical bills. He took me to all Dr.'s appts and promised to be at the birth. The day I gave birth he was there all along, very loving and supportive. My daughters birth really changed things. He was coming around more often. My family at this point wanted nothing to do with him, with good reason, so I was stuck in the middle. When my daughter was almost a month old I had to go in for emergency back surgery, which meant I couldn't hold my baby or or do much of anything. My parents came and stayed with my BS13 and BD3mos while I was in the hospital. FDH would go over to get my daughter diapers and formula and spend time with her and then he would come stay with me at the hospital. For the first time he had really stepped up. When I got back home he basically moved in to help. My parents would watch my daughter during the day and he took over nights. I think this is when my parents decided to give him another chance, after he stepped up to the plate. We decided to get back and work things out and I begged him to let me meet the kids, as I had done many times in the past. I had this idea of becoming the Brady bunch...Him, Me and our little darlings.

I have always raised my son with manners and good habits. As a SM I had to run a tight ship and my son is very well behaved and loving. He is healthy and plays soccer. He is in a competitive team, has practice 2x a week and games on weekends. He goes to bed at 10 pm without any hassle, he cleans his room and does all his chores around the house with no whining. He knows what I expect and he knows that when he is punished I follow through. My son respects me because I've always been consistant with my rules and because of all the love I give him. My son also really likes my FDH and is very loving and respectful towards him. Now I finally get to meet my skids and since we now live together they also come and stay over. I've only had 3 weekends so far with them but I get really fustrated because they were raised very differently than my son. Their manners are not all that great, they interrupt conversations without saying "excuse me" and open my bedroom door without knocking (something not even my BS13 would do). My biggest concern is the way they speak to their Dad. They curse around him and tell him to shut up. They roll their eyes and the little one cries...cries allll the time. I try to make them comfortable at the house but certain things really bother me. SD12 asked if I had hair products. She has course ethnic hair that is hard to manage, so I gave her a variety of products to pick from. She literally used every single one and poured about half a bottle of each. No consideration whatsoever toward someone "lending" her something. This type of disregard or self entitlement, whatever it may be really drives me nuts. She seems to suffer from self esteem issues because she doesnt like her hair and says her skin is too dark. My kids and I have very light complexions and she always tells me she wishes she had light skin and straight hair like my daughter. I always try to boost her self esteem and tell her she is beautiful the way she is and that she has to love herself. But sometimes I feel she resents my daughter for something that is completely out of mine or my daughters control. I catch her staring at me once in a while and it makes me very uncomfortable. When I'm going into my room with the baby she races and plops her ass right on my pillow. I dont even like to sit on my bed with clothes I've wore outside, but again no manners whatsoever. I finally told her in from of FDH and he seem to ignore it.
I had put together a box for my daughter with hair things which she cant use yet cause shes too small. On her second visit she demanded I let her use my daughters bows. I kept ignoring her and she kept asking, until I finally said "NO" you cannot use her stuff. Its hers and she hasnt even used it. I went and bought her a box too with hair stuff hoping smooth things over next time she came. She saw it, said thanks and did not once touch it the whole time. This leads me to believe she just wanted to take my daughters to see if I would oppose to it in front of her Dad. I'm also noticing she seems way too happy when she sees my BS13, and God forgive me if I'm wrong but I think she has a crush on him. She wanted to cook something and was extremly irritated when my sister took him out for a game so he couldn't taste what she made. As soon as he came back from the game she saved him some and warmed it up before he even took his jacket off. I've noticed these things and it worries me. I don't know how to tell my FDH. She is very developed for her age and looks more like 15 than 12. I also notice during visits she only wants to be by my side. I feel overwhelmed because I'm not used to having someone up in my ass all the time. I spend a lot of time with my kids, but I also like being by myself in my room. I feel I have no privacy when they are over. My FDH will go and play video games or soccer with the boys and leaves me with her. Last weekend my ss9 had a game and he had to take him. The problem is that they live in another state and its about a hour and a half ride, not to mention tolls and gas. I'm not allowed to go because since they are still in divorce preecedings the BM doesnt know we are living together or that I met the kids. So I kinda pray for these games when they come over just to get time off on that weekend. I have a career and work 9 hour days, on weekends I just want to relax, when they are around I always feel like I have to do double the work and always feel scared they are going to tell their mom. They are coming over this weekend and already having panic attacks...what should I do??