Help keep me from losing it
The more I think about what is in front of me, the more I question my ability to do this. It isn’t about my boyfriend, he is the best think that has ever happened to me. It’s his 14 year old son. As I have mentioned in previous blog posts, he is very troubled. His parents split when he was only a year old. His BM had primary custody until 4 months ago and she and her family spoiled SS rotten, partly because they could and partly just to shut him up. He was not disciplined and there was no structure. BM has had the same boyfriend for the past 10 years and from what I hear he is borderline emotionally abusive with her. SS hates him and isn’t afraid to show it, for that I can’t blame him. This relationship at one point prompted an investigation with CPS. Four months ago he ran away and has refused to return. When I started dating my boyfriend, I of course knew none of this, it was EOW and two nights a week. That was completely manageable. Long story short, he is full time with BD now and that means a lot more time with me. We struggle for alone time and work very hard to balance our relationship. BM would rather SS go to a foster home than take him back.
One of the many problems with SS is his inability to socialize, he has no friends at school, is always socially inappropriate, is failing his classes, doesn’t listen to his teachers and walks around with a cloud over his head. He is very depressed and defiant. He relies on his BD and me for most of his socialization, wants us to include him in everything and when we don’t tries to give us a guilt trip. As I previously posted, he considers me his family and wants me to be his new mom. He has gotten overly physical with me, desperate for acceptance to the point where I no longer feel comfortable with his hugs. He wants them all the time for no reason and his kisses land on my neck, very inappropriate! I no longer allow him to hug me and he feels rejected. He is developmentally delayed, with the maturity level of a 10 year old. His sense of humor irritates me to no end, he loves roasts and takes great pleasure in putting other people down because it makes him feel better. He goes too far and becomes culturally insensitive, almost racist. It really offends me. He is the most self centered and inconsiderate person I have ever met. Yes, he is an only child but he has no regard for others. He is unable to think of anyone but himself. He eats more than anyone I have ever known. Yes, he is a growing boy but he is now gaining weight at an alarming speed because he is overeating to numb himself, to fill the void his mother left behind. I feel bad for him. I realize it could be different, he could hate me, disrespect me but his neediness, depression and behavioral issues bring its own set of pressure and stress.
He now brings out the worst in me and I am having trouble with that internally. At first, I felt guilty that he drained and overwhelmed me. Now, being around him makes me irritable and unhappy. THIS IS NOT WHO I AM. I am a happy and positive person and it’s like his black cloud over shadows my sunshine. I have worked hard on myself over the years and am in such a good place in my life, my career and relationship with his dad. I don’t want him to ruin my relationship. How do I move forward? How do I help from feeling this way. I am aware and see it turning from stress to dislike to can’t stand to be around him. I don’t want to hate him. I’m starting to dread the idea of having to be in his presence. I resent him for the way he makes me feel. I look forward to going to work now because that means I don’t have to see him. Help! How do you cope? How do you keep from just giving up, or blowing up?
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first, i would get him
first, i would get him assessed by a doctor. See if hes just feeling sorry for himself of if he needs to be in therapy or put on antidepressants. Next, He obviously needs to know he's loved and accepted unconditionally (i'd leave that part to DH lol) Those are both to work on his issues. You? you can hang tough and see where it goes or disengage. I think the reason he's being so inapproriate with you is because he's craving the female attention he received from his mother. if bms bf was abusive, odds are she turned to SS for the emotional love and support she needed and now he has an inappropriate sense of relationships with maternal figures.
Try and keep a smile on it and focus on BD and how blessed you are. I'm sure if you all put a lot of work into it, it'll work out.
Good luck!
Yes, he has been evaluated,
Yes, he has been evaluated, he is in therapy and BD is working with his school. I do my best to focus on what keeps me here, an amazing man that loves and cares for me so, and I the same. I do my best to count my blessings and stay positive. As for his BM, she never gave him the attention and nurturing he needed as a child and once her boyfriend entered the picture, he was passed off to his grandparents. She often lied to him, ignored him and focused on her own life. At one point, SS attempted to harm himself. BM is done, told CPS she doesnt want custody of him anymore and just yesterday said she would rather see him in foster care. I feel bad for him but I need to find better ways for myself to cope and handle him.
Have either of you taken the
Have either of you taken the advice given to you on your other two (at least) posts on theis topic, and HAD A CONVERSATION with SS?
One or both of us have
One or both of us have concersations with SS on almost a daily basis on what is appropriate, what he needs to be doing, how he should act, behave.... He is in therapy, on medication for OCD, and his BD has an appointment with the school psychologist today at noon. I am not just complaining, there is alot going on in attempts to help him. It takes up so much of our time, energy and attention.
Yes, it can be very time
Yes, it can be very time consuming and difficult, and not what you signed up for. Maybe a weekend away for you alone? Just go somewhere, check into a place with an indoor pool (if you live in a cold place), read, swim, watch stupid TV, eat what pleases you, sleep, and rest. Really think about whether you can endure the next few years. Figure out if you can remain in the situation, and what is necessary for you to do so. My son, now 27 and successful, shared many of the characteristics of your SS, but added in agression and defiance, so I know how difficult it can be. I have to say if he (my son) had been a stepchild, I would have left the first time he punched a hole in a wall, but I didn't have that choice. You may find that taking care of yourself right now will give you the strength to cope. But this is not your child, and you don't have to raise him. You have options. Maybe just acknowledging that you CAN leave the situation will make it more bearable.
Yes! You are so right. I need
Yes! You are so right. I need to focus on my own self care and balance. Sometimes we forget when we feel so overwhelmed. I really do try to step back and let BD do his thing. Im not his mom, and dont want to be. I just wondered what others did when they had such strong resentments towards their own skids and especially one with developmental delays/mood disorders, I think that makes it more complicated. I know deep down that if he was my bio son, I would love him unconditionally. I struggle knowing that I dont, feel guilty. I need to work on that guilt, too.
Think of yourself as his
Think of yourself as his teacher or counselor, not as his mom. You came into his life much too late to even try to bond that way. You are his father's wife. And you can be as helpful as you wish. Or as distant. This was a huge change for you that was unexpected. No one can fault you for how you are feeling. Guilt isn't useful here, especially if you are feeling it because you feel like a failure. You are not a failure. Give yourself permission to feel how you feel. You don't have to love this child. Really, he shouldn't feel that he has to love you, either. If you can coexist and find some things that you enjoy about him, all the better. Maybe he would like to learn to cook, he could help with dinner. Or maybe all of you could have game night. Play cards, or board games. Did he change schools when he came to live with you? It's difficult to change in the middle of a year. It may get better next year. Maybe BM wasn't willing to invite any classmates over, and maybe you are, and can help him have a friend or two. Look for a summer camp now, if you can find a program for him. But mostly, take the time you need to feel okay with the changes.
Yes, you are right. I think
Yes, you are right. I think what clouds my clarity is that BD wants me to "love" ss as my own, refers to him as "our" son and both he and ss want me to enter into this role to replace dysfunctional mother and somehow think it will fix him. I don't know how to explain to him that it's okay if I don't. Now I realize, that is where some of my frustrations came from, the expectation that I was supposed to do this, want this and somehow it would be one big happy family and I blamed myself for resisting. I need to re-define my role, I need to figure out how to do that one next.
So, I give myself permission, I accept that I do not have to take on this role and I accept my feelings as normal. That feels better. Now, I just have to get BD on the same page, I know it will upset him.
Yes, ss did switch schools, and again next week he will start over at a new one due to failing grades, defiance and behavioral issues. Any kid would have trouble with that, one with special needs especially. I would love for him to make friends his own age, I would absolutely encourage play dates and activities with friends. I want him to be happy and normal. I think if he was happier, I would feel better. His depression is like poison, it zaps my energy to be around that. And, if he had friends, it would take some of the pressure off me and BD to not be his only source of socialization, his only outings out of the house are if we take him and do something with him. That would be fine if it was balanced out with friends of his own. I encourage him to engage in activities, play sports, take fun classes, it hasn’t worked yet. The other barrier is his lack of social skills and ability to engage in appropriate socialization. We are working on that, another area of frustration for me.
Summer camp sounds like an excellent suggestion!!!