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Where I'm coming from

Love51's picture

Submitted by Love51 on Tue, 01/22/2013 - 4:14pm

I met the man of my dreams; he is kind, thoughtful, funny and loves me. He works hard and wants to build our future together. I can't imagine my life without him and I love him so. When we first met, he let me know right away that he had a 14 year old son. He explained the custody was shared, there was a court order and no drama. He said if I ever felt there was a problem to let him know and he would take care of it. As time went on, I enjoyed our time together. I even enjoyed the time he had custody of his son, every other weekend and two nights a week. It allowed me to have my own space, it was ideal. Two months ago as we were coming home from a date night, on the weekend his son was to be with his mom we received word his son ran away from his mom's. He went out into the city to look for him. He now refuses to go back to his mom's and is full time with his dad. Our relationship changed very quickly. We made sure to try to balance our time alone, just us 2 and time with his son all together. As time progressed, I could see this was not a normal 14 year old boy. It’s as if a dark cloud follows him everywhere, he is depressed and negative about everything. He feels better by putting others down and his sense of humor is warped and negative. At first he would try to triangulate, talk negatively about his father to me to try to get me to his side. He would try to dominate my attention. I noticed the boy had no friends at school, hated school actually. He has one neighborhood friend that he grew up with. I noticed his maturity level was that of a 10 year old, he is unaware of social cues and his sense of humor is inappropriate and often offensive. I found him draining. I realized I was not as informed as I should have been about the boy, I was in too deep with his father, loved him too much to walk away but get overwhelmed by a 14 year old. The pressure started to build, with no social outlets he relied on us to take him out, pay attention to him and give him a life. It took away from my time. I wasn’t used to this. I did my best to understand and relied my dear best girl friends for support and advice, especially those with children of their own or blended families. I feel guilty sometimes, he pushes my buttons and I feel bad that I don’t want to be around him. He despises his own mother; she has hurt him over the years, choosing her own boyfriend over her own son. Part of me understands, he is a challenge and makes life difficult but she is his mother. If anyone in the world is supposed to love you unconditionally it’s your own mom. He is hurt, he is resentful and he wants me to give him everything she didn’t. Sometimes the pressure gets to me.

Comments

notagain2012's picture

Submitted by notagain2012 on Tue, 01/22/2013 - 5:32pm

Welcome to step talk!

14 is a hard age. My bs is 13, but he sounded like SS when he was 12. He also made very rude and inappropriate comments, etc. The only thing I did, was to correct him, and immediately. If he said something, I would tell and apologize.

He has improved, but is still introvert, and his jokes have actually become appropriate, and funny etc.

Being that this is your first post, its hard to advise you on much. How long together, any of this before, etc. It's possible SS is just a late bloomed, and is coming into his own. It's possible he has some resentment of you. It's possible its just pass poor parenting. Hard to tell, with little info.

Some more helpful questions for us stalkers, would be, does dad parent? How long have you been with bf? Has SS said anything as to why he ran away, BM communicating?

Getting involved with a man/woman with kids can be brutal. Most of us here got in way over our heads before we realized what we were getting into. This kid may be going down a long, hard road and you will have to decide if you are ready for it. Depending on how bf responds and parents, I'm guessing your decision would be different.

Hope its a passing phase, and sorry that everything has flipped on you, but, if it didn't happen, we wouldn't be here:)

whatwasithinkin's picture

Submitted by whatwasithinkin on Tue, 01/22/2013 - 8:52pm

Nice to see you.

I think your gonna find here that alot of our steps are a "half bubble off center" and I can tell you from numerous chats with SD previous therapist it is all related to the maturity level.

He explained that children's growth is stunted at around the same time that they realized Mommy and Daddy are not getting back together particularly if they were at an age that they remember Mommy, Daddy and themselves as a "family unit" He estimated my SD's mentality at a 7/8 age level she was 15/16 at the time. I guessed it to be at an 10/11.

I noticed early on that the stories SD used to "relive" about her time as a child was laced with terminology that I had heard before the stories sounded so familiar. Until I realized that DH had told SD then 4/5/6 years old about the fairytaleness of him and his ex. She would have never remembered but he leaned on her as a "friend" and created this family memory for this child. DH is adopted and I think he just wanted her to know what it was like to have her very own blood family. The relationship was way to close to each other. Toxic.

I came along she was just 11 years old....funny because she is 17 and still 11 years old.

You cant blame birth mom if you dont know her side of the story and it sounds like you mentioned a boyfriend. Since it wasnt that she has had multiple it sounds like Mom's boyfriend that she choose over her own child has been around a while and is a stepparent? Hmm wonder what dynamic is at work over at their house. Could it be that his actions are 10 times worse to a step parent living in that house and someone finally said I cant do this anymore.

Whats the story behind BM? And why is a child and he is a child able to choose where he lives and decide over and above his parents?

Do you know how many of us have laid down a eviction date on a step child? I know I have. I have an expected departure date. As much as I want her gone this very second of this very day, I also know that she is miserable here by her own choice and I dotn blame her Mom for not letting her bounce back and forth between houses when ever she see's fit. I think Mom told her early on, once you leave your gone, your not coming back, you will be there til the end of highschool. I respect that decision on behalf of her BM. However, my stance is I took her out of BM's at 15. I wont give her the power to bail out, she's stuck here til 6/30/14. However what BM doesnt know is I told DH when I agreed to having her it was til the end of highschool then Im done.

Give us alittle more information when you feel comfy at your own pacfe, I suggest reading the teenager board on the forums. We will be more then happy to help if we can.

Love51's picture

Submitted by Love51 on Wed, 01/23/2013 - 1:05pm

Thanks so much for responding and validating my experience. It offers some relief.
Notagain2012: I am still learning as I go. My boyfriend is working hard to implement structure and discipline as this is the first time he has had his son full time. He is involved with the school, school psychologist (SS is very intelligent but failing his classes) and is really trying to get SS back on track. He is also affectionate and positive. His parents are very involved and do the same. SS is very much a late bloomer, I suspect aspgergers due to his high level of intelligence, OCD and inability to socialize and make friends. He is a very unhappy young man, BD has him in therapy. The relationship with BM started to so south when SS overheard his mother say she didn’t want custody of him anymore, it’s a sad situation. I at times have questioned why SS is the one to make decisions about where he is and decide at 14 he doesn’t want to be around his mother, but I don’t feel like it’s my place to bring it up. While his BM has not been the greatest mother, SS is also incredibly self centered and inconsiderate, I question why he refuses to go back to her.
I do my very best to be flexible and understanding with BD, kind and sincere with SS but I also have to make sure my relationship is balanced. SS often drains and overwhelms me, I have to be mindful of where I am with that so I take time away from him when I need to.
Whatwasithinkin: I often wonder, what have I gotten myself into? My answer is a loving relationship with a wonderful man. His son is most definitely more than off center. I appreciate your explanation of maturity levels. You bring up great points about the other side. BM has had the same boyfriend for 10 years, SS and her boyfriend do not get along. I have heard her boyfriend isn’t the greatest of guys and isn’t respectful towards BM but she does anything and everything she can to stay with him. I also know SS can be brutally honest and extremely rude if he doesn’t like someone. I’m sure the whole situation was too much for her to handle so off he goes with his BD and she gets to be with her boyfriend. (BTW, she is still collecting child support without seeing him, so complicated!) I encourage SS to have a relationship with his BM and try to remain positive but yes, SS is calling the shots as far as spending time with his BM and BD says SS is old enough to decide where he wants to be.
SS considers me his family, is sweet but he wants me to take his BM place. I can never replace her and I am working hard in implementing healthy boundaries, more of which I will include in the next post….