none of that sounds like its fun now and it will only get worse in the future. dont sell your house. dont make your daughter live where she is second class and clearly uncomfortable.

I know its hard with autistic kids, but sometimes you have to listen to the context of what they are saying rather than the words. My nephew is one of the loves of my life and he uses phrases from shows to communicate how he's feeling. You actually have to know what is going on in the show to understand what hes trying to convey. Little man went from barely making eye contact to voluntarily giving me hugs and calls me "Aunt Dana". Dana is another aunt on his dad's side but hes letting me know he recognizes and trusts me. The first time he called me that, I melted. 

This guy works 80-90 hours a week, and has even a moderatly SN child?  Are you going to be caring for his kid?  Of course he is willing to be nice to his ex, how can he possibly care for his son without sustantial help from her?   I need to understad better what his/your plan is. 

You need to slow things down and make sure that both of you are on the same page when it comes to living together.

What exactly does he expect from you? Are you willing/able to meet his expectations?

What expectations do you have of him? Will he meet them?

IF he is expecting that you will automatically become one big happy family, he has another thing coming. You need to start as you mean to continue. Don't put yourself, him and both your children through unnecessary trauma.

A real detail plan.  Who going to watch SS when SO is working 80 hours a week.  Don’t put yourself into watching basically babysitting SS.  His EX will always be front and center in your life with a special needs kid. Are the five of you going vacation together.  DH, you DD, SD and his EX ?  

I can understand how your DD doesn’t want to be part of this.  You may lose your DD to your EX her father who could give her a more fulfilling life

You say your boyfriend has never gone to any of your daughters shows but clearly say your ex (her dad) and your daughter don’t want him there out of petty spite

if your boyfriend cares bout you and wants to support you and your daughter on a special day, you banning him from going to please your daughter already says your boyfriend is 2nd class

when you get in a new relationship there is always this power struggle. You need to kick reality into your daughter’s  life that this may is your boyfriend and he wants to be present to support her on her special day, it may feel awkward to her but you and daughter plus ex banning him from it screams you still are emotionally married because you’d much rather care about their selfish feelings than your boyfriend who i assume is in a serious relationship with you based on the above you mentioned

don’t get too petty about the picture thing, about 6 months ago hubbys 2 daughters aged 22 & 13 reinitiated contact after 5/6 yrs and first meet hubby wanted me nd our 2 toddlers there as we are a part of his family and life, at one point we asked a staff at restaurant to take pics and later hubby asked i take pics of him and his 3 kids with my kids there, i didn’t chuck a hissy fit about it

the bio mum wanted a pic of their child with his dad on a special day, they are entitled to that as bio parents just like as if it were graduation day, but you’re allowing your ex to dictate who in your life thats serious can or can’t be around your daughter which is likely in no court order

your ex does not control who in your life can or can’t go to support your daughter for special events, its like he’s trying to assert his authority on your boyfriend because he’s not man enough to accept you moving on with another man

would your ex do the same privilege and courtesy to not bring a woman friend or partner along to your daughters performances because you asked for it? I doubt the answer would be a yes so that is very hypocritical of him

for your lives!  Choose a child free spouse!!

Don't move in.  What's the hurry? Is it for financial reasons? Bad idea.  Better you sell the house and get an apartment with your daughter.

What are the expectations you have for each other if you do move in?  Will you pay half the expenses to live there?  Will he continue whatever care arrangements he has for his son now or is he expecting you to take over? Just what kind of a relationship will you have with him working 90 hours a week, anyway? I've been there and it is not conducive to a marriage/partnership.  Is this workload temporary or permanent? How does he feel about your daughter not wanting him at her events?  It kind of sounds like you were blaming him, but she doesn't want him there anyhow.  If she changes her mind, your ex doesn't get to decide if he attends.  Are you willing to stand up for your partner? 

I would definitely put off a move.  Maybe until your kid is 18.  If it is he who is pushing you into it or giving you an ultimatum, I would put it off indefinitely.

Maybe I am reading this wrong but it seems like the sticking point is your daughter who refuses to even try in this situation.  It sounds like you are bending over backwards for her and, as you said, spending money that you don't have on her.  I would hope that she would be willing to reciprocate a bit to make your life easier.  Am I missing something here?

Well from the sounds of things, you and your daughter are causing most of the problems.

You have allowed your kid to ban your BF and his kid from her events. He must have tried to attend at first, but your kid did or said something that made it clear he's unwelcome? What happened?

You have allowed her to ice these people out simply because they talk about things that don't interest her? She's probably not interesting to them, either, but I doubt you would ever let them treat her like this.

You are refusing to go to his child's birthday party because your daughter is being a brat. I really hope this guy opens his eyes and breaks up with you. His poor son doesn't need to live with a jerk who has zero compassion for him. The outside world is tough enough on those with autism. 

So yeah, for the sake of that little boy, don't move in with them. Give your daughter everything she ever wants, even if you can't afford it, and even if it means you must be single and lonely forever.  You've given her this kind of power, so good luck ever taking it back.

the op has alot of work in herself and the relationship and attitude of her daughter

the bit where op says the autistic son does karate and dance and isn’t very good but her daughter is an equestrian and finds no commonalities between them so simply refuses to socialise and op is spending money she doesn’t have

oh hun you have major issues here. The world is full of people with incompatibilities, differences etc but we don’t act cocky about it and shut them out or refuse to socialise with them.

in the real world we keep an open mind because in the workplace you re bound to have different people but we still lern to work with them as that is part of growing

then op is complaining how her boyfriend isn’t attending her daughters competitions but he’s been banned from attending by bio dad and the daughter but still works 80-90 weeks but according to your post your boyfriend still wants to attend but you’ve banned him and now your shunning blaming him because of it that now he wants you there at his sons special day but because selfish stuck up daughter is too good and proud to socialise with the mediocre autistic son, that a huge fight has developed

from what op has said the boyfriend wants to be there but now a fight has developed because the daughter is too good to socialise with him and the mums boyfriend so i don’t believe we should be saying well from the daughters pov she will be a glorified babysitter. She is a minor, she does what her parent does and when she is a mature adult she can decide who she will socialise and live with if she has the money for it

the fact this man is even welcoming this daughter and op into his life despite the way him and his son have been treated by them, i have huge respect for this man

op the only way to sort out this issue between your daughter not socialising with someone beneath her is “FORCIBLE INTEGRATION” and not being bullied by the exhusband on who can be present at daughters competition

if you bring your boyfriend along to your daughters competition and exhusband and daughter act immature and throw a major hissyfit while your boyfriend maintains his composure, you got a good supportive man there who’s being treated like crap by others

If you absolutely must move in with your BF, allow your daughter to go live with her father.

Based on the last line of your OP,  it appears that living with him will hurt you financially.   Giving up your home(financial security/ independence) to move into a situation that will create financial hardships for a while is not a smart thing to do.

Do not sell your house.   There are so many red flags waving.   People often say they didn’t know what they are getting into.   This is your warning. 

I don't think kids should dictate what parents do - but on the other hand, parents do need to take kids into account when making major life decisions.  So many times on here, someone moves their 3 kids in with their new love's 4 kids and then can't figure out why everyone is miserable and the families can't blend.

It can be a very selfish decision to further your own relationship at the expense of your child's well-being.  And my guess is, that if you do so, her father will try to get custody of her and might win if she's unhappy and wants to live with him.

Just keep separate homes until she's 18.

Why would you move in when you haven't worked out these little issues yet? And that's not even mentioning the bigger issues with your kid and your ex.

It sounds as if your own household isn't even in order and now you're involving others by moving in with them.

Equestrian sport is not for middle class people. I get that your princess wants it more than anything else in the world, but you are cash strapped and it's apparently forcing you into a living situation you already know your daughter will hate. That will be miserable for him and his kid. Where is the common sense????

Is a few hours on a horse worth your kid being miserable all the other hours of the day? When she's in the thick of a fit because she hates living with his son, do you think it will matter that you break your bank so she can participate in a luxury sport?

Let princess pick another hobby that you can afford then put that money into a neutral living situation. Don't move in with him until you've done the work you need to do to make it work -- and it sounds like that might take years, not months.

Right or wrong, (and I think it's wrong of a kid to dictate the living situation) your daughter is clearly showing you she is not on board with this setup. Do you have any idea what hell you're bringing on yourself, your family, his family and your relationship? Until you've taught her that she's not the center of the universe, don't shack up.

I realize saying you afford this ridiculously expensive thing for your kid probably seems like good parenting to you. It's not. Your priorities are confused. It sounds as if your kid has been given things most can't afford (including you). That's sometimes called "spoiled." If this is the dynamic, I doubt she's going to take this living situation well just for the sake of her mother's happiness. She has been raised to get what she wants, even when the family can't afford it -- that's not good training for empathy and cooperation. She will make your SO's life hell, not to mention his son.

Start training your daughter that she is not the center of the universe. Until she gets that, it's unfair to attach to others and make their lives miserable.

Honestly OP... reading your post, all I kept thinking was "what a clusterf*ck". There are so many issues in what you have written and I suspect many other issues that we are not aware of in your family dynamics that I really agree with what others have said - don't move in. Keep us posted.

Please dont move in with this guy.

If you really have to move in with this mess---love your daughter more and let her live with dad. She is already upset about what your doing. She told you she is stressed.  LET HER HAVE SOME darn peace.

prolly better to wait this one out for a bit, especially if your bf is going to be guilting you this aggressively . Right now you have your own place and autonomy. When you move in with him you lose that advantage. 

Your daughter will be miserable and will have to walk on eggshells around bf’s son. God forbid she accidentally send him into a meltdown and police officer Disney dad lose his mind on her. Then you will be stuck between two raging, selfish men. Your daughter is allowed to speak up and express her discomfort with this. She’s 13, not 30. All of this directly effects her in ways she is powerless to mitigate other than her parents looking out for her best interests.

have you sat and considered how much like your ex your new bf is? 

Are you in financial trouble now? Do you have to sell your house? It doesn’t seem like moving in with bf is going to ease your finances any. That seems odd since it will become a 3 income household that one income is already supporting. Good Lord, woman, you aren’t moving in to “save” him, are you?

It just sounds as if you still have to work out the issues before moving in with him. Once you're moved in, there will be some amount of time that you're financially stranded and stuck. That time could kill your relationship, not to mention the upheaval with your kid and his.

You don't say how long you've known him. I'd wait a good long time without kids to move in with someone. But with kids, you've got all those other personalities to consider. Any one of them could sink the new living arrangement, and even after you move out, you've got to deal with the upheaval living there at all caused the kids.

Because you're not sure, because you're already questioning it, the most prudent thing is to wait. If the relationship is solid, it will endure separate households, at least until you get your daughter on board with it. Just decide you're going to move in in, say, a year, and start grooming your daughter to make it work.

I think a lot more relationships would happily endure if more people paused before shacking up. Everyone is so quick to get in deep and combine households, but often it's with someone they'd never dream of marrying. If the person isn't good enough to marry, if you don't know him well enough to marry him, do you know him well enough to give him access to your finances, your money, your daughter, your credit, by moving in with him? There's a notion that just moving in together is safer than marrying -- it's what you do on the way to marriage -- but it's nearly the same thing in most aspects and when you move in, you're giving someone access to your most precious possessions.

Waiting won't kill the relationship if it's solid, but moving too fast will.